14 ms·

How to talk to anyone and why you should

• est 7mo ago
  I used to avoid talking to people because it always turns out to be an argument Later I realized this is wrong on my part, talking is all about talking, let the vibe continue and don't let it die.
  • basilikum 7mo ago
    The only way to win an argument is to avoid it. Also let the other person do most of the talking.
• jllyhill 7mo ago
  > The disappearance of these kinds of interactions from day-to-day life – in pubs, restaurants, shops, queues, on public transport – is striking. > We are losing a basic human skill. The ability to speak to others and understand them is being compromised. I fail to see how these two ideas are connected. How is my ability to speak and listen to the people I care about—my parrnts, my friends, my spouse and kids—hindered by my unwillingness to talk to a complete stranger in a supermarket line? I don't hate or hold any ill feelings towards them, it's just that I'm more comfortable being to myself and I have only so much capacity to talk and too many people in the city I live in. I would understand if the article was focused on the reluctancy to bond with people in more or less stable groups (at work or at school) but I don't buy the "strangers" argument.
• rubicon33 7mo ago
  Fascinating post for THIS forum. I don’t know about others but a big reason I went into software development (whether I want to admit it or not) is because I am “naturally” not very skilled in talking to, or dealing with , people. While I’ve done very well in tech, the truth is, lacking this skill has only been a detriment. The problem at this point is I truly don’t like random people, and I have no idea how to fix that. Often people are rude, inconsiderate, selfish, etc. the canonical example is being in a row at the grocery store, walking down the row, someone’s cart is just way out in the center blocking your path, and as you approach, they do nothing. Anyways “people skills” are definitely a SKILL and one I’ve avoided to my detriment over the years. Need to work on that.
• chill1234 7mo ago
  My problem isn't anxiety, but don't know what to talk about to stranger. How to solve this?
• general_reveal 7mo ago
  I find the community on Clubhouse understand this better than anyone (well, this is true for Reddit and HN too). Clubhouse especially though because people are bat shit crazy on there and somehow conversations happen. It’s a hidden gem that I think the HN community would enjoy.
  • chatmasta 7mo ago
    Clubhouse is still around?!
    • dewey 7mo ago
      That the copyright notice on their site still says "2025" probably says a lot. I was kinda expecting to find an AI pivot when I opened that landing page.
      • general_reveal 7mo ago
        For what it’s worth, they are living a AI pivot. TOS just changed so they keep transcripts of all voice and actually pop it into an LLM to subjectively determine your karma points. They are absolutely selling audio data for fine tuning purposes imho, and they are absolutely training on all audio. It’s a AI shovel selling company for sure.
        • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
          And people wonder why others say we are living in a "low trust society". You can only read a story like this so many times before you decide to simply opt out of society.
          • basilikum 7mo ago
            Don't let tech companies set your view of people in general.
    • deleted 7mo ago
      [deleted]
• 5o1ecist 7mo ago
  [flagged]
  • XorNot 7mo ago
    You can't simplify it to "people want to hate each other". The topical issues of today causing strife are not reconcilable when the division is "these are the people we're going to hate".
  • mannycalavera42 7mo ago
    a table-soccer coffeehouse, now I know what I want to do in life :)
    • 5o1ecist 7mo ago
      [flagged]
  • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    >I guess my tangent meant to point at the need for both general, or specialized, "social hubs", where regularly appearing people silently agree to, eventually, getting talked to. Those are called "3rd places". Those have sadly been on the decline for the past 30 years. It's easy to point to phones as the problem, but few can point to proper solutions. Because they don't exist in the same way the previous generations had it.
  • SeriousM 7mo ago
    First I was happy to see someone from Vienna but then I noticed hat you're a bot. HN isn't the same anymore...
    • 5o1ecist 7mo ago
      [flagged]
• danielodievich 7mo ago
  My recently deceased mother had a talent for talking to anyone at any time in any language. She's always been incredibly social and could establish connections with strangers very rapidly. One time she brought in a school teacher/sheep farmer from Dagestan selling yarn from his sheep's wool, she met him at the market and bought all yarn and asked if he had somewhere to stay before going back, and he didn't. He stayed in our house for a couple of nights, and then we visited him in that little village in mountains of Dagestan on a summer vacation, talk about going back a few centuries in time, an incredible and unusual experience. I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses. Her memorial was attended by hundreds of people. It served her very well in her chosen career of real estate sales, although I think she'd might have done really well in community organizing or even politics where those skills are also very useful. On the flip side, it was sometimes difficult to be there as family wanting some attention, since her bright light was always shining in many directions. I've inherited just some of that talent, and I think it is a talent, but trainable. I miss her already.
  • SequoiaHope 7mo ago
    Beautiful story, thank you for sharing.
  • B-Con 7mo ago
    > I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses. Her memorial was attended by hundreds of people. I love this story, because I had the same experience. When my dad passed, I had the same 500 email limitation, and had to send out multiple waves of emails through Gmail. He was loved by so many people!
  • mptest 7mo ago
    I'm sorry for your loss. Beautiful memorial and portrait you painted though. Thank you for sharing.
  • cal_dent 7mo ago
• SequoiaHope 7mo ago
  After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garden I spoke to a man who was excitedly looking for a few specific plants. He is a botanist (amateur? professional? unclear) and I enjoyed sharing in his passion for a moment. Then I saw a maintenance guy moving with great intention who took a moment to ask me and my family if we had a nice time. We did, and I asked him about the papers in his hand. “Gotta get approval for this purchase request asap.” He said. We talked a bit about how nice it is to work at such a beautiful place. I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it.
  • dostick 7mo ago
    And how is it going with women?
  • treetalker 7mo ago
    This is great. Thanks, and cheers.
  • r17n 7mo ago
    I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother this person". How do you deal with that?
    • mindwok 7mo ago
      Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you? Most people like it! And even if they don’t, that’s ok, trust people to tell you their boundaries and respect them when they do. Nothing wrong with bothering someone if they tell you or send a strong signal and you respect it.
      • dmd 7mo ago
        See my answer to that question is “er, yes, obviously??!” and so I assume, apparently incorrectly, that everyone is like me.
• oDot 7mo ago
  I find the decay of human connections an interesting problem to solve. I used to have an app that encouraged meeting in person by utilizing friends inviting other friends[0]. This solved many app-problems like correct matching and safety. Didn't catch on, though. Setting up events turned out to be too prohibitive. If this interests anyone feel free to contact me at contact [at] eventful [dot] is [0] https://blog.eventful.is/p/the-perfect-dating-app https://blog.eventful.is/p/the-perfect-dating-app
• globular-toast 7mo ago
  I've had some great conversations with random strangers on public transport and in shops etc. Oddly I'm a complete introvert with quite bad social anxiety and avoid social events like work parties etc. But I like talking to strangers I'll never see again. I think it's partly because I'm not trying to make an impression and I'm not there just to socialise. So it's a bit crap for me that people are withdrawing and not engaging in random chit chat as much. It's so easy to be lonely these days.
• kenty 7mo ago
  It's indeed pretty interesting how our society has normalized being. what I would say is antisocial by the norms of previous generations in the form of the gen z stare. Funnilly I remember a situation where I got a job offer from somebody from an older generation and I just stood still and stared for 1 minute. Not because I wanted to be disrespectful but because I was processing the information and I was simply so baffled that I forgot the social dance of showing the thinking on my face and doing thinking sounds (if you know you know). This led to the other person holding a lecture on how you should respond that you do not have a response yet but I thinking. I ended up accepting.
• saaaaaam 7mo ago
  I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it’s impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into conversation with someone. I can’t imagine not doing it. Earlier this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town. A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick chat, the dry cleaner asked after my dog, and the guy from the household shop told me they have more of the cleaning paste I use. We bumped into a couple of folk I see every couple of weeks, then got a coffee and I paid the “special” rate rather than the rate on the sign that they charge people they don’t know. My colleague said - half jokingly - “I didn’t realise you were mayor”, and tried to convince me that I should go into local politics. She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous. I can’t imagine not talking to people. A while back I changed the route I take when I walk my dogs each day, and the guy who runs the local fish stall started asking people if I had left the area or died. I don’t buy fish from him each week- but every time I see him stop and we have a chat. I feel incredibly lucky to be missed by my fishmonger just because I started walking my dogs a different route. I grew up in a tiny village in the country. The building I live in has hundreds of people living in it, compared to the few dozen houses where I grew up. I think talking to people makes a huge city feel smaller.
  • rubicon33 7mo ago
    Genuinely curious as someone who wants to improve… what the hell do you talk about? I’m trying to picture the random people I encounter while walking my dog, for example. Neighbors who I don’t know. That’d be a great place to start up a convo as I walk by but I draw a complete blank. 0 skill in this.
    • justice-to-yu 7mo ago
      The weather? Do some self disclosure? Or make something up? Be silly? "oh it's such a nice day innit? It's a shame the lizard people won bingo but we'll get them next time eh?" Be silly, get a laugh, and hopefully things unfold from there. Give a compliment! Or share something you're excited about. Imo Self-disclosure is the simplest route towards spurring conversation. Think of conversation as a medium through which gifts are given. Through giving gifts, bonds are forged.
• tumdum_ 7mo ago
  We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are obviously better.
  • _zt3y 7mo ago
    It's really tiresome. I am happy to have to a conversation if approached, but don't tell me I "should" do the same to others
    • skirmish 7mo ago
      I had a recent encounter with a guy in a coffee shop who approached me and wanted to discuss recent sportsball games in great detail. I had no idea what he was talking about, I don't even know the local teams, after living here 30 years. He had no other topics.
      • gib444 7mo ago
        I had a friend like that. Soccer soccer soccer. His soccer knowledge was impeccable. But he allowed almost no space in his life for anything else. A kind of addiction. He had no other interests, didn't read about anything else. There's only so mach a person can take being on the other side of someone like that. We drifted apart...
      • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
        Yeah, that's issue #2 or 3 with me. My life has pretty much been minmaxed to be the stereotypical nerd. I don't have much "small talk" topics to approach with. I want to change that too, but that involves time for hobbies instead of job searching and worrying about debt.
        • randcraw 7mo ago
          I abhor small talk. It's physically painful. I've heard that's often true of some cultures, especially northern europeans. I think the trick to converse on a more engaging level is to introduce conversation that invites deeper thought. Somehow you need to intrigue the other person. Compel them through curiosity to leave their comfort zone and join you where you'd prefer to be. IMO, even disagreement can be agreeable if it's not confrontational, if you genuinely express curiosity to learn what they think, what they care about.
• mattlondon 7mo ago
  I hate these sort of things. Like everyone is just sitting there hoping, hoping for someone to strike up a conversation with them. Oh thank god someone has started a conversation with me! /sarcasm Respect people's boundaries please. Don't force yourself on people unless they're obviously willing participants. People put extroversion/introversion as like this binary, permanent thing that cannot be changed. In reality I think it is a spectrum that changes throughout the day and the situation. Someone might be introverted at 8am on their commute, but a wild extrovert at 9pm in the bar. Don't assume, don't try to "help" people you know nothing about.
  • granfalloon 7mo ago
    What's being "forced"? And what boundaries aren't being respected? If someone attempts to strike up a conversation and you're not interested, you can signal that. Or just be direct and say you don't feel like talking. Sure, that can be uncomfortable, but you can't expect humanity as a whole to repress its social nature just to spare you occasional, fleeting moments of mild discomfort. (And despite the wide spectrum of social inclinations -- I'm definitely on the introverted end -- I think it's accurate to say that humans, as a species, crave social interaction.) In your ideal world, how would someone even signal they are a "willing participant" without talking to someone?
    • mattlondon 7mo ago
      Because it is this "talk to anyone" thing, like if they say no you just need to keep trying because really deep down they just don't know how nice you're being by giving them a chance to talk to you. It's supreme arrogance. Read the body language and just leave people alone. If someone is up for talking they'll show the obvious signs - facing you, eye contact, smiling, that sort of waiting-for-something look/expression. I've had e-fucking-nough of people thinking they can "fix" me when I am trying to get some time to myself waiting for a train or whatever after a stressful day at work or being woken up endlessly by kids/neighbours/whatever. Otherwise it should be "talk to anyone who is obviously open to and willing to have a conversation with you", at which point it's a total tautology anyway and you don't need a guide, it's just natural chat that you don't need to force on someone to make it happen.
• kshacker 7mo ago
  I am currently struggling with a deep rumination loop about events from 35 years ago; the trigger three weeks ago was completely accidental, but it was one of the biggest shocks I’ve had in decades. I can't help but think how different life would be if I had the communication skills then that I have now. Growing up in a conservative, religious household outside the US, there was no support for slow processors, and those who didn't fit the dogma were simply told to 'shut up.' The more you were forced to shut up, the more you closed off. Since this was before the internet, self-help tools were non-existent. I really wish the coaching tools and protocols we have today had been available back then. It wouldn't have changed everything, but it would have given me the tools to manage many situations that I simply couldn't handle at the time. And yes, I agree with the headline... talk to people, anyone, everyone. Maybe you’ll get help, or maybe you just go for it—because regardless of any embarrassment you face now, you may find yourself proud of that courage decades later. PS: Improved with AI
• AntiDyatlov 7mo ago
  Man, talking to strangers in random places just feels socially uncalibrated to me, like I'm being retarded. The first time I across that idea was in the form of "cold approach", the idea of trying to score a date from a woman you see while out and about. I wonder if anyone who did this had to start from a baseline of feeling this is straight up weird (I'm pretty sure it is weird in my culture).
  • Agingcoder 7mo ago
    This is very different Most random encounters have a pretext, from smoking a cigarette to talking to the shopkeeper, or being in a queue for a long time. Talking to a woman ( esp given that many of them are harassed from what I understand from my female friends ) without any reason to is much harder
    • paulpauper 7mo ago
      Cold approaches worked better before social media and smartphones . now your awkward encounters can live forever online and cause humiliation for years to come , or some stranger looking for clout may step in. This is has become so common now , because everyone wants to be a hero.
• rootusrootus 7mo ago
  It is a hard skill, but I do recommend it. I have always struggled with initiating a conversation with a stranger, but 99 times out of 100 it has turned out well. My teenage daughter just stands there agape when I do it, she is still struggling even to speak up to the cashier taking her fast food order. I keep telling her that it makes me pretty nervous too, but it is so worth taking the little leap.
• k__ 7mo ago
  I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos. Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...
  • mattlondon 7mo ago
    +1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from outside of the major city.
    • hluska 7mo ago
      Or they have social skills?
      • watwut 7mo ago
        If they cone accross as mwntally ill, they dont have social skill. Per definition. Scamming crools frequently do have good social skills, but of course there is that risk of being scammed if you talk to them.
      • sieep 7mo ago
        I understand what both of you are saying, I lived in areas where if someone is talking to you on the street theres a high chance theyre asking you for something, so you learn to just kinda block all of it out. Now that I moved to a smaller town, I find myself talking to strangers much more frequently.
    • majormajor 7mo ago
      You're confusing "asking people for something" with "talking to people." Nobody wants randos coming up to them and asking for something. Most people would be less lonely if everyone had more practice at making non-transactional conversation. Actively avoiding conversation still qualifies as "weirdo" behavior to most people.
• tl2do 7mo ago
  I agree that expanding communication with strangers is important. But starting with "Do you mind if I sit here? Or did you want to be alone with your thoughts?" and then continuing a conversation for 10+ minutes is a real struggle for me. Sometimes I even wonder—how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me? Maybe this is just me.
  • majormajor 7mo ago
    Yeah it'll be hard. But with a lot of practice it'll get easier. I think part of the practice is recognizing "they don't want me to continue this conversation" and bailing, vs trying to force every interaction to be a deeper conversation. I never practiced "idle conversation with a complete stranger" like that because I was lazy. But I did practice making normal, non-sexual, conversation with women on dating sites and dates so that I could go from "isolated in school, then after going online, low response rate and never more than 1 or 2 dates" to someone in a long-term relationship. And recognizing that sort of "ok there's just not any interest here, move along" signal was definitely relevant there too. Skills take investment. My parents didn't give me nearly as many opportunities to practice these skills as they had when they grew up, and pop culture actively encouraged me not to talk to strangers as a kid, so I had to work harder at them as an adult. But it was worth it.
    • tl2do 7mo ago
      Is it a matter of skill, or a matter of courage?
      • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
        It's a matter of priveledge. Many people don't have time to try and make new connections
  • reddalo 7mo ago
    >how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually help me? It doesn't. It just helps the speaker.
• divan 7mo ago
  Does it work in Scandinavian countries?
  • Telaneo 7mo ago
    I can't imagine it would, at least not without some (a lot of) social lube. Even bars might prove hard, since a lot of people there will be the regulars and other fixed groups who probably aren't interested in making friends. If you could join the smokers for a fag that might work out, but that doesn't happen any more since you can't smoke outside public establishments (which is fair, but it does remove a potential social arena). It's reasonably possible at events. Cars and Coffee works great, since everybody wants to talk about their car. I doubt it will work at the dentist, since nobody really wants to be there in the first place. Maybe if they're wearing a shirt or something you can compliment or ask about and then can use that as a springboard? If you're the dictionary definition of an extrovert you can probably still make it work, but you'll really stand out, and you'll be rejected a lot.
  • deleted 7mo ago
    [deleted]
• Agingcoder 7mo ago
  My kids make fun of me because I know the shopkeepers around me by first name, along with the details of their businesses , and that shopping takes forever because I talk to everyone, customers included. I just love it, it’s easy and I get a lot in return - from perks to incredible encounters. At work it’s been very helpful. I developed that skill while traveling alone for a year , and it boils down to practicing and reading whether the person you’re talking to is ok with your talking or not. In any case, it makes me immensely happy.
  • saaaaaam 7mo ago
    This is absolutely my experience. And now because I know them I go there because I can buy my stuff but also spend five minutes chatting and that makes going grocery shopping a real joy. And because I go there and chat they do nice things like give me a couple of tomatoes or “you’ve got to try this cake” or the wine shop where I automatically get a 15% discount, or the butcher where they let me in when are already closed but they know I’ve come over specially. And some of those people have become real friends, like go and have dinner together friends. We have very different lives but we get on because we get on. I think everyone benefits from reaching out of their bubble a bit. If I’m feeling a bit glum I’ll go out to buy bread or something because I know just seeing the people I see regularly will lift me up.
  • Panzer04 7mo ago
    It's interesting, because while having that skill is helpful I think part of the issue a lot of people have is an overturned sense for it - they will be worried they are getting judged for wasting their counterparts time. It's good to have, but don't let not having it (yet) stop you!
• firefoxd 7mo ago
  I'm happy to see that in a sea of commenters who'd hate for anyone to strike a conversation with them, there are people who still enjoy connecting with others. We are in a public forum afterall and we are all strangers here. I'm always happy when random person sends me an email.
• himata4113 7mo ago
  I feel that there is a down-spiral to this. People who talk to me usually want something from me so I started avoiding people since I have the expectation that they want something form me which means that I also think I look like a weirdo whenever I try to talk to somebody so I stop talking to people.
• thrownawaysz 7mo ago
  or how to get labeled as a creep by every women joke or not (actually not) but read some women spaces and it's obviously a lot of people, especially women, just want to be let alone. Don't start talking with random people unless they start talking to you and it's consensual, simple as that.
  • medi8r 7mo ago
    Common sense applies. If someone is on a run, dont bother them. If you are in a queue I think make a comment is OK if theh respond keep talking.
  • hresvelgr 7mo ago
    It's only creepy if you are a creep.
    • fuzzfactor 7mo ago
      That's exactly right, you've got to be an unmistakable gentleman, which is just the opposite. As everybody knows that's still often not enough, but why shoot yourself in the foot when you're trying to put your best foot forward? I'll never forget the day some sophisticated gentlemen came to my school and introduced one of their big hit songs that night. How there's 5 little words so many single women love to hear, "Hey Girl, What's Your Name?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09w6_q0Chxk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09w6_q0Chxk If you look at the lyrics it is a bit straightforward for the 21st century, I think the best approach now is to compress it to only 4 words, "Hi, What's Your Name?". Even that can be a bit much in the wrong situation, so it can be good to seek out the opposite type of situation :) You might keep that on your mind but from there let things try to imply the rest of the lyrics, especially the part that goes "Can I Be Your Friend?"
      • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
        >As everybody knows that's still often not enough, but why shoot yourself in the foot when you're trying to put your best foot forward? Because the best food forward of a creep is still a creep.
• systima 7mo ago
  [dead]
• Hamster7330 7mo ago
  I was at a conference recently and I went to a meetup session that the organizers put through and I was so anxious that I took a lapel pin and left immediately :( I knew about my social anxiety but never saw it first hand as such. I am so bad in networking with people.
  • jacobtomlinson 7mo ago
    I'm sorry you had that experience, I know that feeling and it sucks. One thing I love about socials at conferences is that it's a self selecting group of people who want to talk to other people, otherwise they wouldn't be there. Even if people are shy and awkward they are in that room because they want to be social, even if they aren't able to start the conversation themselves. There's also usually a code of conduct for the conference so you have a better chance of people behaving in an acceptable way towards you, which makes the whole thing feel less risky. Over the last 10 years I've gotten much better at talking to people at these events and now quite enjoy them. That being said I still find it really hard to walk up to a group of strangers and say hi, but in this setting it's way more socially acceptable, so I force myself to do it. I much prefer to be invited into conversation by another person, which does happen occasionally. But sometimes you have to be the one to start. The only time I've found it go negatively is when you chat with a group of people who all work together, especially if they are remote, because they may be using the conference social to bond with their colleagues and not some random person. But that's their problem, and you should just watch for that scenario and move on to another group.
• plasticeagle 7mo ago
  I agree with this article completely. I've had three long and very memorable conversations on internaltional plane flights in the past, with three extremely interesting and intelligent people. I don't tend to take those flights anymore, they were for work and the novelty of international travel for work wore off. Now I get out of it whenever I can. But those three conversations have stayed with me.
• h4kunamata 7mo ago
  In a world full of shallow people and AI here and there, people cannot hold deep talks anymore. You can still talk with anyone but going out specifically to talk with anyone??? Yeah, that ain't happening. It gives me anxiety lmao you will have better time with hobbies.
• ratsimihah 7mo ago
  That’s what I loved about NYC, people were generally open-minded and easy to talk to, so I’d chat with tons of people spontaneously. Having moved back to France now, it generally feels harder and weirder, but I got used to it.
• emmelaich 7mo ago
  I've done some Uber driving. Chatting in a car is great because there's no awkwardness of whether to look at one another. I've met some really interesting people, from all backgrounds. I can recommend it if you have time to spare and want to chat with people. Not everyone wants to talk but you can pick up on that pretty quickly.
• throwaway2046 7mo ago
  https://archive.ph/VrnI7 https://archive.ph/VrnI7
• sghiassy 7mo ago
  Did anyone notice how the last paragraph links to a paid course on talking to strangers… paid advertising??
  • spzb 7mo ago
    Mutually beneficial. The publication gets an article people might want to read and the author gets free publicity. Happens all the time.
  • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    And that's the moral of the story: 99% of anything "free" these days are transactional.
• consp 7mo ago
  Why does the majority of people just assume people want to communicate... I have not read the article and never am going to. This headline premise alone of doing that will destroy any sanity I have. I do not, ever, want to talk you as a standard and you should never force that to me.
  • deleted 7mo ago
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  • rambambram 7mo ago
    You basically just 'forced' me to read your comment. Aren't you talking to a stranger here?
  • latexr 7mo ago
    > Why does the majority of people just assume people want to communicate They don’t. If they did they wouldn’t have an issue striking up a conversation with strangers, but they clearly do. > I have not read the article and never am going to. If you don’t know what it says, it might be wise to not be negative about it. > I do not, ever, want to talk you as a standard and you should never force that to me. The article isn’t suggesting anyone force anything. Quite the contrary, it advocates for respecting boundaries and even suggests how to communicate your own.
  • jackvalentine 7mo ago
    You should really read the article rather than judging it based on the title. The author establishes several reasons you might want to speak to others and highlights cultural phenomena where people seem to be yearning for more connection with strangers. If after reading it you decide it’s not for you then that’s fine, it is as they say bean soup.
• yadaeno 7mo ago
  I usually dislike when people talk to me in public. Some people have nothing to say but they trap you in a conversation anyways. Some people are genuinely interesting and energizing to talk to. Either way, every conversation i've had in public has stuck with me and I can remember these conversations 6+ years later.
• gib444 7mo ago
  I fail at the first hurdle. A small innocuous comment is often met with a "huh?" as if I had said it in Japanese or mentioned how nice the wallpaper tastes. It's like they clock the (relatively mild) autism immediately. Then I just feel super self conscious and lock up
• yokoprime 7mo ago
  I speak to everyone when in "work mode". Its part of the job. I smalltalk, im curious, i listen. When off work I dont really want to talk to people at all (outside "my" people, i.e. my family and small group of friends). If someone strikes up a conversation I will of course engage, but I reach a threshold where I run out of gas and have to excuse myself.
  • mech4bg 7mo ago
    I'm the same - work persona is curious, engaged, loves to talk to new people. Off work sometimes this bleeds over, but generally I retreat to my more comfortable introverted self. It's a valuable skill, so I do sometimes practice trying to adopt the work persona at home, but it really doesn't come naturally.
  • deleted 7mo ago
    [deleted]
• vibe_that_works 7mo ago
  I read in a couple of comments that you are worried about "bothering people". To be honest, don't worry about it, you can attribute sufficient life skills to others to simply tell you (verbally or non-verbally) in case they feel bothered.
  • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    >you can attribute sufficient life skills to others to simply tell you (verbally or non-verbally) in case they feel bothered. The non-verbal cues are wher things get difficult.
• hs586 7mo ago
  One of my best stranger conversations talking to a “Big Issue” seller outside a supermarket. As I understand, they’re (close to) homeless usually [1]. When I asked about him, he mentioned he’s Irish but moved on to tell me about his plans. How he was saving to have a farm, planned what to grow, animals - 15m of quite precise description. His story was his future. This was striking for me - when asked most people tell you about their past, where they’re coming from. It was the first time I realised that where we’re going should be a bigger part of our story and identity. I try to keep that conversation in mind. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Issue https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Issue
• ratmeadow 7mo ago
  As someone who has struggled with social anxiety over the years and has thought about this a lot, I have some thoughts. It's all nice to imagine everyone talking to each other, but the reality is that in (western?) society, we have kinda collectively decided that socialisation is to be avoided. Either it's too weird, too boring, or too unsafe. I mean have you tried randomly talking to people? Most don't seem very open to it. Also it doesn't help that the little "pretext" scenarios that can lead to socialising are being systematically eliminated from our lives. And finally, if you're neurodivergent or otherwise aren't perfectly typical, enjoy people thinking you're weird anyway.
  • vector_spaces 7mo ago
    Yes, there is a pervasive anxiety around strangers and impromptu socializing among younger millennials and Gen Z particularly in North America and parts of Europe, and across age groups in certain subcultures. There are lots of causes for this, but this phenomenon is neither as entrenched nor as universal as you might think and the dangers are basically infinitesimal (zero for all intents and purposes). If you are respectful and mindful of how you engage, the overwhelming majority of people will at worst ignore you. Which sucks, yes, but more than likely they won't even do that, i.e. they'll probably reciprocate I agree re the pretext scenarios disappearing and re neurodivergence adding extra challenges. RE the former: there are lots more of these pretext scenarios than you might realize RE the latter, I realize it's not your point but for what it's worth, you won't really be able to tell in most cases that someone on the street or wherever is or isn't nd. Meaning: there's a good chance that the person you are talking to is nd themselves. Lots of us are pros at masking In general though i would say to be careful when generalizing about human behavior in a way that causes you to implement and enforce rules / limitations on your own behavior in response. This is unavoidable, right? And yes, there's often an nd component to this. But especially as you get older, these can start to calcify and limit you in increasingly destructive ways
• illichosky 7mo ago
  It is hard as fuck for me. But every time it happened (either me or other person starting) turned out a great memory on itself, or lead to great experiences right after. Still, I do it less often that I would like
• caditinpiscinam 7mo ago
  It makes me sad that my reaction to this piece is so cynical, but I really think that 90% of the "how" in this article is "be an older British lady". If you're missing that vital piece you'll quickly meet many people who "don't have any money", or just remembered they meant to be walking on the other side of the street, or worse. Talking to strangers when people see you as a threat feels really shitty (for everyone involved) and can be dangerous.
  • inadequatespace 7mo ago
    Yes, if you are a black male, it’s hard mode.
  • cal_dent 7mo ago
    I think you're wrong personally. I'm very far away from being "an older British lady" and agree a lot with the article. Honestly, in the least combative & confrontational possible, your thoughts there are just an excuse to not reach out and engage with the rest of your world. It's a little sad (not you, the situation itself) because if more people had that same thought, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy with no one talking to each other and those people you allude to being an afraid to talk too for whatever reason become the only people out there talking. We're certainly not there yet and I hope we never get there
    • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
      >Your thoughts there are just an excuse to not reach out and engage with the rest of your world. My thoughts are formed from personal experience. You get a few experiences and you get the hint.
      • jgwil2 7mo ago
        It's interesting because it's undoubtedly true that bias and prejudice affect one's interactions with the world. At the same time, it's true to that this can contribute to a vicious cycle via self-fulfilling prophecy. I would say that sometimes you have to make a distinction between truths about the world and beliefs that can be helpful to you personally; sometimes these are in contradiction with each other, so you may find that you have to prefer to fiction to the truth in order to achieve better results. This seems to be very common and accepted wisdom in the world of sports: a weaker opponent going against a stronger opponent may have virtually no chance of success, but they can marginally improve those chances via "belief."
• abcde666777 7mo ago
  I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself. The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable, but that's an unavoidable part of the learning process (and I took a key lesson from it - it's okay to look like a dork, usually it's only our inner critic that turns it into an immortal sin). Nowadays I feel a pang of sympathy when I see someone feeling shy or speaking in self-deprecating terms. I remember how that felt, and I remember how easy it would have been to have stayed inside that box for the rest of my life. Glad I didn't.
  • jadtz 7mo ago
    I am still at the awkward early interaction stage. How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. How are you able to shift to the next stage when you have both agreed that the weather today is nice. How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or waiting at the same place?
    • abcde666777 7mo ago
      I came to think of it like skilling up at a game. For instance the one I'm most familiar with, Counterstrike. When you first play Counterstrike you're clueless - you don't know where to aim, you don't know how to control the guns, it's a mess. How do you fix that? Practice. Lots of practice. So if you don't know what to say, the basic answer is to keep practicing. Your subconscious will eventually figure it out. (Edit: by practice I mean live practice with real people in the world - not on your own in your own head) As for myself, here's the place I came to: I be myself and I say what I want to say, and for social calibration I rely on my subconscious. I also let go of trying to control the outcome. The questions you're asking rest atop of wanting the social encounter to go a certain way - you want it to be "successful". Let go of that expectation and just let it organically be whatever it is - that is, take your hands off the driving wheel a bit. The final bit is a confidence thing - feeling good about yourself, feeling that you have value (your bit about wasting other people's time hints that you somehow feel low on yourself). For that it's the Mike Tyson quote - "success begets confidence and confidence begets success". For me there was a feedback loop where the practice started to feed into social success - people enjoying my company, successful dates with women, and so on. That final part's a very important ingredient as your subconscious needs the markers of success to latch onto as positive feedback signals on "what works". So basically you have to keep pushing and practicing until you reach the point where you get dividends. As for how long it takes to get there, it varies by individual - some are quick learners, some are slow, some have less handicaps, some have more. But in principle I believe that most people can learn to be charming and good company.
• rammy1234 7mo ago
  I always start a convo with a question, " what is exciting in your life?" - it brings out good things out of people and positivity to the conversation that is following... It brings in perspective. My past leader once said, "understand the people first before you start to work with them"... it is what I believe is missing.. trying to learn about people around us and sometimes taking a chance and strike a conversation with a stranger.. we will learn a great deal even from a small talk..
  • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    >I always start a convo with a question, " what is exciting in your life?" Sadly, nothing. Stuck on 2 part time jobs, I see more layoffs than job posts, I'm about to be soft evicted from my current dwelling, and my country decided to start yet another needless war. That question works in good times in a high trust society. Now it just reminds you how little there is to look forward to.
• arcxi 7mo ago
  The solution to social anxiety suggested in the article boils down to "just stop being anxious". I'm glad for people who don't struggle with this, I just wish they would be more empathetic.
• mnewme 7mo ago
  It is sad how so many tech people try to avoid every form of social contact and even try to build a society around it (just look at meta)
  • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    It's been profitable for them. I hate it, but I can't blame them. They sacrificed their social lives studying for years to get to that point.
  • bragh 7mo ago
    Say what? Technology has been awesome, it pretty much eliminates the risk in social interactions. With Internet, you are not forced to be part of a community you have no interest in and who do not like you anyway because of your interests, but you can choose and pick your own community. And the same goes for dating apps, they help completely derisk the initial approach and as pointed out elsewhere in this thread, risk of being seen as a creep.
• anal_reactor 7mo ago
  My problem is that most people have very little to add to my life.
• bahmboo 7mo ago
  Glad to see this here. Age-wise I'm in the oldest 10% of users here, maybe 5%. I have noticed over the years the eroding of the ability of young people (20s basically) to interact in what I consider normal social situations. Talking to your fellow humans in all sorts of situations is how you can form actual knowledge within yourself derived from direct observation. Everything else is a filter and synthesis. How can you know "reality" if you don't interact with it directly?
  • abcde666777 7mo ago
    I'm 39 myself but it's disturbing how you don't even see kids playing out in the street nowadays - a lot of them are indoors on ipads and the like. I knew all the kids on my block and it was regular to ring each other's doorbells so we could go out and play, which is basically early social skills.
• bbarn 7mo ago
  If anyone doesn't know where to start - start in places you're stuck next to people. Like in line to check out at the grocery store. I have struck up dozens of conversations looking at the belt and guessing what they're making for dinner. People who like to cook love to talk about cooking.
  • jmye 7mo ago
    And it's less threatening - there's a defined end-point for people. In like, 2 minutes, they'll never have to see you again.
• judevector 7mo ago
  This is an interesting piece; talking to people will also give you a better clarity to things than just keeping it to yourself
• deleted 7mo ago
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• tyzerdako 7mo ago
  [dead]
• maplethorpe 7mo ago
  I used to talk to strangers a lot when I was younger. But then I started getting older and more scary looking. I developed memories of older men making unwanted advances towards me. I became horribly afraid of making anyone else feel that way, so I stopped. I know the article's advice is to take a chance, and if I scare someone else so be it. But something about that feels wrong to me.
  • robocat 7mo ago
    Reaching middle age, as a guy I thought women were more open to friendliness. I have always assumed it was the shadow of a safe "friendly grandpa" effect. Older men have the opportunity to be seen as less intimidating (assuming you don't emit predator vibes). Or perhaps alternately I've learnt over the years to be more genuinely friendly. I've seen men and women attempting to start a friendly conversation and have it backfire - because others can tell if someone is needy. Sometimes people are desperate for a conversation, but they sadly frighten away everyone. I've also really leant into starting conversations with other guys. The stereotype is a bunch of old men yacking about "boring" stuff, and you can totally just accept that and have fun talking about anything. It's only boring if you lack the wit to discern something interesting within a conversation. There's also an art to looking approachable, so that others can initiate a conversation with you. I am not skilled at it, but I recognize it. Or alternatively recognizing when someone is open to having a conversation started.
• anonzzzies 7mo ago
  I talk to everyone and anyone; it's really great actually. Been doing that all over the world for most of my life (50+). Most people enjoy it; many are lonely and I often end up at parties / dinners etc at complete strangers.
• cal_dent 7mo ago
  >"the biggest excuse" Most important line in this article. People will always find an excuse (and i'm including myself in this at times) but that is all it is, an excuse. Talking to people is what makes us human and its innate. You might not be the best conversationalist or whatever but you can still talk to people, no need to put any pressure on it.
• decasia 7mo ago
  I had a long conversation with a fellow parent sitting next to me at soccer practice today. Never met her before in my life, but we just started chatting about soccer logistics, and then I just started asking her about her life. I learned about her 5 kids, her tough relationship situation with her spouse of 16 years, her having moved here from Arkansas as a child, her feelings about how gentrification damaging local communities, her dream of moving out of the USA to another country, how there are the same kinds of social problems most places, how we can come to empathize more with our parents as we get older, and probably more things too I'm not remembering. These are the kinds of things you can talk about if you happen to have good rapport with someone and they feel like it... I won't say I have conversations with strangers like that all the time, but it is 100% possible, and a lot of people really do appreciate it if you bother to talk to them. People often like being asked about themselves (I used to do cultural anthropology research so I have had quite a bit of practice too...). There are of course reasons why it doesn't always work or becomes awkward. For example, gender is a factor - a significant part of the population is much more comfortable having same-sex conversations with strangers - not to mention other sociological factors around race, class, nationality, all the obvious things.
• agnishom 7mo ago
  I recommend the book "The Fine Art of Small Talk". TLDR: Small talk seems to be of trivial importance and to require minimal effort. Neither of this is true. Therefore, there is no shame in cultivating one's smalltalk muscle and being more prepared for it
• BLKNSLVR 7mo ago
  I've had to force myself to be more social in some instances in order to set an example, specifically for my niece who has/had quite a bit of social anxiety. Being a regular at the local Friday night rollerskating, I got to know quite a few of the other regulars, including younger ones my niece's age, and was able to kind of slowly break down the social anxiety barrier such that my niece is now part of this group of (now) late teens / early 20's "kids" and their social group just seems to keep growing. Seeing my niece able to be comfortably herself with these peers just makes me feel good in the small part I was able to play. People, in most part, are good. Some are really quite lovely such that it reminds me of Bilbo's birthday speech: "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve"
• cal_dent 7mo ago
  Also, one thing not mentioned in the article is that, structurally, some of this is a consequence of a growing sense that we live in a low trust society. I don't necessarily think that is true in the small/local sense for many people, but a lot of the media we consume and talk about highlights that so much of society is untrustworthy and that forces many people to close themselves up as a completely rational way of protecting themselves. I hope more and more people do not continue to believe that, there is so much good out there in the world and we all have to engage it or we're just letting the low trust side win and life becomes a lot less because of that. Everyone already into chatting for chatting sake now and then, please continue to do so. You're doing a world a huge service. The rest not, come join us, the water feels great!
  • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    >some of this is a consequence of a growing sense that we live in a low trust society. Exactly. YMMV but that is 100% true in many urban areas. Too many people leads to less meaningful connections. I imagine much of this community lies in those urban hotspots. >I hope more and more people do not continue to believe that it's going to continue. Low trust societies are a structural issue, and I see little initiative to fix it. People constantly need to move around due to rising costs of living, there's no commmunity hubs, third places, frequently meeting clubs, etc. to build such community. Work hours are creeping up while compensation and stability is going down. Where would you find the time to meet up? It's all an economic issue at the end of the day. There's a part of the equation where we don't "need" to work with as many people anymore to get by. But for he most part, it's very similar to the walk-ability issue in the US. There won't be some mass change all at once, but people take cues and change heir habits around heir environment. For my environment, I'm a night owl and everything in my town is closed by 8pm or so. I don't like the loud environments of bars. So there's nowhere for me to really go.
    • cal_dent 7mo ago
      I hope you're wrong and I think you're being a little defeatist in the assessment of "Little initiative to fix it". But to each is own. From the communities have stayed in, in different places around the world, I find that is not the case and there is still a high trust society in place locally. It's everywhere else outside that that people tend to view as low trust. I always end up thinking to myself that but there's no true way to actually know that everywhere else is low trust when you're not actually there, they're just fighting shadows. A very particular case is London, which if you live on the internet you would think is some sort of hellscape where everyone is going to stab you or steal your phone on a bike if you dont run between safe spot to safe spot with eyes on your bike. But I've lived there for many years, still have friends there and visit regularly and that is so far from daily life that it is bizarrely amusing that people think that
• zingababba 7mo ago
  Here's my life hack: Caffeine makes my verbal fluency suck so I enter a self-reinforcing cycle of not wanting to talk to people. Nicotine makes my verbal fluency not suck so I naturally want to talk to people. Because of this I do nicotine. Is this healthy? Probably not.
• jjcm 7mo ago
  There's some solid advice in here - especially around performative interactions vs genuine. I was someone who was raised home schooled and it really altered my ability to communicate with my peers, which was something I had to really work on later in life. It surprises most people who know me when I tell them this, as I'm a pretty outgoing / gregarious person these days. It was a deliberate choice on my part, and I likely overindexed on it, leading to me now being highly social. For those looking to do the same, I'll offer my own advice: how you engage socially depends on how large the audience is. Small audiences (1-2 people): If you don't know them: your goal should be to get them to smile without feeling threatened. A lot of people fail at that last part. Don't give someone a compliment like, "I like your pants" out of the blue - it may threaten them that you have alterior motives ("Are they attracted to me?", "Do they just like how my butt looks in these pants?"). Reframe compliments in a way that isn't threatening - ask them something instead like, "Hey weird question, but can I ask what brand those pants are? I want to get my sibling a birthday present and I think they'd really like those". It shows you see them as positive without it being a threatening interaction. If you do know them: your goal should be to be interested in what they are saying. Find the topic that will stimulate your mind / get you excited to hear them talk more about it. Don't just gamify it and try to get them to talk more than you talk; that's an easy way to make yourself not look genuine. Dig and find gold - everyone has somethinig cool to say, it's your job to find that. Medium audiences (3-8 people): Be the facilitator. Don't butt in to get your own voice heard, butt in to segue to others who haven't had their voice heard. "Omg thats crazy X, hey Y you recently had something similar happen right?". Keep the flow going. Your goal should be to make everyone else feel like they've found gold in the conversation with new and interesting nuggest on a regular basis. Large audiences (9-30 people): These are basically meetings, and are the worst possible social interaction. Your goal should be to make these as smooth as possible and end them quickly so you can break to smaller sizes. Present facts clearly without emotion, keep things on topic so you can move past them. Presentations (30+ people): With this size you do the reverse of the prior size - the facts don't matter at all. Your goal should be to present emotions, not facts. Don't tell people what the % YoY growth is. Control how they should feel about the % YoY growth. This is the biggest #1 failure I see from inexperienced presenters - they aim to just present the info. People can read the info later - convey to them the emotion they should take away from the data. On every slide you have you should have a goal emotion, and you should reflect that emotion in your presentation. Look at any great presenter and you'll notice the same - they have the audience's emotions in their hands.
• hoppp 7mo ago
  I have autism so talking with people can get difficult as we have different communication styles and message decoding systems. Even when people seem nice I generally keep a distance as I have to analyse them slowly instead of relying on social cues. I do pick up cues but processing them is not subconscious. My subconscious is not as generative and acts more like a buffer for conversation, so all the talking I do subconsciously has to be placed there beforehand instead of generating it with subconscious heuristics.
• lemoing 7mo ago
  I’m wrapping up a 4 month stint at a fancy hotel working as a valet attendant. My job responsibilities as written were parking cars and helping with bags, but the unspoken expectation was that I also greet everyone who passed by my desk. These conversations are all low stakes but make such a difference in my day, and I think the article hits it on the head when they say it doesn’t have to be groundbreaking to be beneficial. The hard part is going to be continuing the habit when I’m not getting paid for it.
• legerdemain 7mo ago
  I'm at Paris Baguette, a Korean lower-end coffee shop chain common in the Bay Area. The guy next to me has headphones on and his laptop on a stand. Or it's four middle-aged Latino women celebrating a birthday. Or it's a bunch of local high-school kids. Do I lean over and say, "Hi, how are you guys doing? Really good coffee they have here, huh?" I'm at the gym. It's a big-box gym. It's full of dudes wearing Airpods Max, a few couples in skintight athletic outfits, a few teens with phones on tripods filming themselves for Tiktok. Do I come over, gesture for them to take off their headphones, and say, "Hi, how are you guys doing? That's really good form, on that lift, really good form. Keep it up!" I'm waiting to cross a road. On the other side of the road is a Caltrain crossing. The traffic light cycle takes forever, and then the train comes and preempts it. And then preempts it again when people finish getting on. A crowd of parents with strollers are waiting to cross. People are returning from the farmer's market with bags of vegetables. People on bikes. Do I lean over and say, "Hey, how are you guys all doing? It sure takes a while to cross. Wow!"
  • fragmede 7mo ago
    Yes, it's that easy!
• pks016 7mo ago
  Goodluck in North America! Most people are in headphones and give weird looks if you try doing small talks. I find it's easier to talk with older people.
• plantain 7mo ago
  Visited Fiji and stayed in the "locals" area rather than in one of the tourist resorts. Everywhere I went, would get stopped by locals and asked how my day was going, where I was going, what I was up to. Shamefully my tourist-shields were at maximum after experiences in Morocco/Ethiopia and similar, and many people I ignored and kept walking as fast as I could. Eventually I found myself in a conversation I couldn't easily escape from and I realised... they're just being friendly. They were all just being friendly. I spoke to dozens afterwards and had nice little chats, with no motives, no scams, no sales, no brothers-uncle's shop that I must visit. (I did get scammed in the taxi though, by someone who didn't make conversation :) )
• b8 7mo ago
  I tried this in college, but just got ignored or brushed off.
• hs586 7mo ago
  One of my best stranger conversations talking to a “Big Issue” [1] seller outside a supermarket. As I understand, they’re (close to) homeless usually. When I asked about him, he mentioned he’s Irish but moved on to tell me about his plans. How he was saving to have a farm, planned what to grow, animals - 15m of quite precise description. His story was his future. This was striking for me - when asked most people tell you about their past, where they’re coming from. It was the first time I realised that where we’re going should be a bigger part of our story and identity. I try to keep that conversation in mind as a lesson, and as a reminder to talk to people around. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Issue https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Issue
• anovikov 7mo ago
  I think it's mostly the denormalisation of this. Indeed someone just randomly striking a conversation with a stranger will come across as a psycho or a creep. No one wants to be perceived that way.
• dsego 7mo ago
  Sometimes I want to strike up a conversation but get no reaction or even a dismissive glance and get ignored. It feels like the universe has a script and I went off track.
• keiferski 7mo ago
  A tip from a past life working a customer service / food service job: Learn a few words in a variety of languages. They are great conversation starters / expanders – I made a lot of actual friendships by talking to people (after taking their orders), asking them where they’re from, and then knowing a few words in their language. Nothing makes people happier than hearing someone speak their native language, no matter how poorly. This was in a university town, so knowing a couple words in Chinese, Arabic, Hindi, etc. was useful.
  • fredrikholm 7mo ago
    Learning basic Levantine Arabic has brought me more smiles and free meals than I can count. It's been deeply healing in challenging the negative narratives surrounding these very warm people.
• raihansaputra 7mo ago
  ok it's a bit late but i think a big part is the non-verbal thing you're putting out. my story is me and my wife moved to another country a few years ago for my study. after 4 months moving there, she already know and conversed with the people working the apartment and some neighbors. while i mostly just exchanged cursories and nods and glances. then one day we just walked out together and the same people i passed earlier just says hello and converse and stuff with my wife and me. yes she's very much an extrovert but i can see people are way 'more open' and my wife has that too. me on the other hand do have 'i don't want to bother you so please don't bother me' vibe.
• deleted 7mo ago
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• ZpJuUuNaQ5 7mo ago
  I hate it when strangers try to talk to me in public (e.g., on public transportation, at work). I absolutely do not care what you have to say, what you do, how your day went, how many pets you have, what your hobbies are, or where you spent your holidays, and at the same time, in no way do I want to share any details about my life, not out of privacy or anxiety of speaking but out of sheer annoyance and indifference. However, most of the time I do not want to insult the person that tries to talk to me in any way, so I just stay silent and try to endure this torturous assault until I find a suitable moment to get away.
  • basilikum 7mo ago
    People should try to sense when someone wants to get left alone and leave them alone. I don't know how much you communicate that and misunderstandings do happen. Anyway regardless of whether someone just doesn't get that you don't feel like talking or whether they do not care, when just giving short direct answers to questions that only maintain the minimum level of friendliness does not work to get someone to stop talking to you you are doing both of you a favor by directly, but politely telling them that you do not feel like talking right now.
• Cthulhu_ 7mo ago
  I had a colleague (now friend :D) whose dad was a manager for a company, he taught him to talk to anyone so he's got a number of conversation starters / makers. I mean I (think I) can tell it's a very active intellectual process for him, like it's not natural and he's analysing responses and storing them and the like constantly, but he's doing it and it makes him a great asset. I don't think he aspires any leadership positions - conversations cost him energy and he likes to write code, after all - but he has the techniques for it.
• tmvnty 7mo ago
  "how to listen to anyone"
• beaker52 7mo ago
  The other day I saw a guy on the train looking at pictures he was actively receiving of a topless woman. He was clearly enjoying it, in his own little world, so I leaned over and said “don’t get scammed buddy”. His anger brewed for a few minutes and he decided he wanted to fight me, so he menacingly stood up. I remained seated and told him to sit down. He ended up grabbing me by the throat, while no-one around did a thing to stop him. It’s made me think twice about interacting with random people, tits or no tits. But I doubt I’ll learn anything from it and continue with reckless abandon, because life is mundane otherwise.
  • pingou 7mo ago
    This is quite entertaining and I'm glad there are people like you, but you didn't even think it would be inappropriate to comment on a naked picture that someone receives in a private conversation? I don't even think you were supposed to look at his phone.
    • beaker52 7mo ago
      Yeah, you see, I don’t think you’ve quite understood the art of talking to anyone. It doesn’t happen by staring at the floor and minding your own business. Quite the opposite, mostly. Despite illusions and every misguided attempt, when in public, you’re not actually in an impenetrable little bubble. And when your bubble bursts, you can laugh, or get angry. I recommend choosing laughter because it’s easier on the eyes.
      • pingou 7mo ago
        I would say mastering the art of talking to anyone includes having a good mental model of what the other person thinks or how they would react. It can be delightful to be surprised, but if you are surprised all the time then I would say something may be wrong in the way you see the world. Nowhere did I say that people should mind their own business at all time. You cannot imagine a situation where you shouldn't talk to a person? You feel entitled to look at their phone? Is there no social boundary you respect? You are free to not respect them, but you can't hardly be surprised to experience pushback. Again, I like that people like you exist, I hope I don't come as too aggressive.
• pmg101 7mo ago
  I do look forward to being an older person because at a certain age I do feel society gives you carte blanche to talk to anybody.
• szmarczak 7mo ago
  The irony of this being behind a paywall. People want to milk money on everything.
• weatherlite 7mo ago
  I don't know. The idea is old and looks solid but the more I think about it the more I don't buy it; people have less good friends. Many people are estranged from family. Many people barely say hello to their neighbors. Maybe we should expend our limited energy on the people we do know instead of strangers waiting for the bus. For me starting something with a complete stranger is draining; I need to overcome a psychological barrier (that's probably there for a good reason); so the risk is there. The reward ? I'm not sure. Some interactions could be fun, many could be boring and draining. Sure I could get better at this skill of talking to strangers with lots of struggle but the end game isn't really clear, it's not gonna flip my personality into a charismatic stranger lover. I could use the time to quietly stare at space or call my mom instead.
  • mcluck 7mo ago
    I think you're missing the part where interacting with strangers is also working the general socialization muscle. If you find yourself being more social in general, and give yourself the time to recharge, then you'll be better equipped to engage with those closest to you. You may even get lucky and add someone else to that circle
    • weatherlite 7mo ago
      Yeah that's actualy part of my issue with this - socializing isn't super easy for me. It takes energy. Instead of "practicing" this muscle, I can simply use this skill on the people I'm supposed to use it on anyway - family, colleagues, friends etc. Instead of trying to get the person next to me waiting for the bus to talk to me I can call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a month or more. I see no point in practicing with complete strangers. But you know what, I'm 41, about to turn 42, perhaps my priorities aren't the same as young people still building their personalities. There could be real value in being less shy and not fearing rejection so much; however I would say - find a good venue. I don't think New York subway is the bests place to start practicing this...
• boilerupnc 7mo ago
  My personal philosophy has always been that “everyone has at least ONE good story to share.” Everyone. Best way to discover these gems is to talk with anyone as when the mood suits you. I’m a richer person for the stories that I’ve been honored to hear.
• rambambram 7mo ago
  What is also fun is to just say 'hi' or 'hello' to random strangers, accompanied by a smile. I usually do that on the sidewalk (western Europe), but other places might also be fair game. I made an active effort to just greet people, now it's a habit. In the beginning I felt rejected sometimes by people blankly staring back at me and not saying 'hi' back. Some people are not into that, don't suspect it or don't know how to handle that. Like half of this comment section, I really read some cringe comments here about how people don't want to be talked to. To them I can only say: don't worry, I see/feel from miles away that you don't want to be talked to. And even then, I might say 'hi' to you, just to gauge what happens. ;) For me, it's okay if people don't say anything back. That's not even the point. I want to share a little positivity with the world (when I'm in the mood) and 90% of reactions are either a big smile back, a little nod or even a small conversation. There's nothing for me to 'win' (as a lot of commenters seem to think is the point); thinking in these terms makes it a business transaction. I found out that especially elderly people are way more open to these things. Also, people who don't seem open to it (probably going through a bad time) might actually surprise you with a warm and welcome smile. These little interactions taught me to not judge a book by it's cover, give a little without expecting anything in return, and just knowing that you made somebody smile who needed that. So if you think this article is something you want to try, but you're a little afraid thinking about whole conversations and stuff, just start with greeting random people. Don't see it as a transaction, just see it as age old human behavior (which it is). If you have a hard time reading social clues, this also might be a good way to practice that a bit.
  • SyneRyder 7mo ago
    I wonder if some of this also has to do with the culture of where you live, because it can go wrong. It reminds me of a BBC comedy skit about someone doing exactly this: Northerner terrifies Londoners by saying "Hello": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT0ay9u1gg4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT0ay9u1gg4 I like the sentiment behind what you've said, and I think you're especially right about elderly people (probably because they don't get much social interaction). I actually had an elderly woman come up to me this week to tell me I was standing in the wrong place for the bus stop - but it was sad that she had to begin by saying "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, and you can tell me if this is none of my business and that you want me to go rack off... but I don't think the bus will stop here." I tried to be very kind and thankful with my response, because that's obviously someone who has been burned by trying to be social & helpful, and met with aggression in response before.
• tnel77 7mo ago
  When I first my met father-in-law in my college days, we ended up going to the store to get my wife (then GF) some random supplies. I struck up a conversation with a stranger and my FIL asked his daughter, “Does he know that guy?” She laughed and replied, “Probably not.”
• TrianguloY 7mo ago
  As someone who identifies with the text, a very introverted guy that almost never starts a conversation but it's able to maintain it once they other person starts it, and as someone who has never dated any girl (and failed to do so) I'll just say: almost every random person that talks with me...is a man. It doesn't seems...fair...and, again, says a lot about society.
  • b40d-48b2-979e 7mo ago
    says a lot about society What does it say?
    • stackedinserter 7mo ago
      That society is clearly sick and unwell.
      • b40d-48b2-979e 7mo ago
        Not sure how you get that impression because a guy who's never been on a date doesn't initiate conversation with women?
    • TrianguloY 7mo ago
      That women feel pressured to be introverted and/or man feel pressured to be extroverted. Being the opposite is a handicap. Although, the good part, is that the personality doesn't seems to be genetic and doesn't come from your parents either, otherwise we would be extinct (literally). Unfortunately, this situation makes me think about genre issues in an different way, not only sort of understanding why they happen, but surprised that it's not more common. I've met very horrid persons, that have achieve what I haven't, just because women doesn't seem to try to see past them. Is like they gave up...
  • DaedalusII 7mo ago
    random people wont really talk to you because they have no way to evaluate who you are. it is nothing about you, but a reflection on society. the stranger is now a danger to women. this is what they taught in school too, and internet show them that all stranger use aggressive mean pick up artist tactics~ before 1990s there was very little international travel, small town everyone know each other, speak english. very little drugs and tattoos etc. stranger on the street most likely grew up less than a few hundred miles away. very little gun violence between strangers. most importantly no stupid pick up artist culture. most blue collar people were only friends with blue collar people (not even drink wine), rich people only hang out with rich people (beer is for the plebs, only wine for us), and class was obvious by your clothes. they judge whether to talk to you by haircut , makeup., etc. remember this time many people dont even know what an ivy league school is. no internet. now we have open society without judgement or visible hierarchies, it is not possible for a stranger to judge you so they they will totally avoid you. now you must install apps. these are merely a computer algorithm for women to judge men (salary, height, SATs, postcode, wealth) and filter the best way is to join local community groups and form friendships over time. but now even these are being used aggressively to findd women, like running clubs and climbing clubs, so people will be very apprehensive of you. you must choose an interest which you genuinely enjoy but requires enough specific effort it doesnt end up full of normoids.
• towingtime 7mo ago
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• cykros 7mo ago
  I've talked to random people. Most of them are unbearably boring, and they need to resort to alcohol and professional sports just to have anything to talk about in the first place. Bring up ECDSA and suddenly you may as well have just beamed down from a spaceship.
  • jadenzaleski 7mo ago
    This is the funniest thing I have heard all day today thank you for this.
  • DarkNova6 7mo ago
    Yeah... it's difficult enough to find engaging conversations with people I do know. If you want to talk for the sake of talking, there won't be a shortage of possibilities. And if you are sociable enough, people will do so. But outside of these parameters? It's very slim picking.
  • maplant 7mo ago
    Talk about Poe's law. I know what ECDSA is and if you brought it up in a random conversation unprompted I'd try to find your spaceship so I could escape the conversation on it.
  • vibedev 7mo ago
    Would making it less random works? Like declaring your preferred topic or at least screen your audience based on their drinking habits.
  • vibedev 7mo ago
    Lol is this why you have thought about mentioning it? https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47214367 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=47214367
• monster_truck 7mo ago
  I've always done this. Used to drive my mom nuts at the grocery store just asking people random shit about the stuff they're buying. Have lived all over the US in various downtowns. You can learn so much about a city, what's actually good there, just by asking everyone you can. Unsure of what a lot of people in this thread are talking about, they have been misled into believing some very antisocial things and do not seem pleasant. Perhaps it is best they stay inside and do not talk to anyone. I am not an old british lady or a 7ft tall underwear model / pro athlete, I'm just some dude. The closest thing to a change I've experienced is having to be more proactive about smiling or demonstrating that I am not what others have very legitimate cause to fear as of recent. That sucks a lot and makes me quite sad. Not saying bad things don't happen, but I've certainly never worried about violence up until recently. Unspoken social contracts are being broken by people who have not considered the consequences, my heart breaks for them and what will have to happen next. The world is much smaller than you realize. If 90% of everyone was crooks or criminals, you would not be posting that shit right now, because you would not be alive. They don't do that because it's bad for business. A lot of what is happening right now is predicated on the concept of there being some amount of business that is okay to lose in exchange for... problematic ideals. Business will win
• mnort9 7mo ago
  Ask questions. Something I learned from being around a few outgoing friends over the years, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask questions. Even if you already know the answer, it breaks the ice and let's them do the talking. Don't know what to say next? Ask another question.
• andresquez 7mo ago
  One of the best pieces of advice I can give, something that has helped me start talking more with strangers, is this: When I’m speaking to someone in a service role, like a waiter, a cashier, or a salesperson, I remind myself that I’m just one of hundreds of people they interact with that day. To them, I’m simply another brief interaction. So if I say something awkward or if the conversation doesn’t flow perfectly, it’s not a big deal. It’s probably just one small, forgettable moment in a long series of conversations they will have that day. Thinking about it that way helps me relax and not put so much pressure on myself. At the same time, some of the most meaningful or unexpected opportunities can come from simple conversations with strangers. You never really know what a small interaction might lead to, whether it is a new connection, a new perspective, or even an open door you did not see before.
  • Balgair 7mo ago
    One tip for the introverts out there: When the service worker and you do the back and forth of "How are you doing today" - "Fine, you?" - "Fine" Yeah don't do that, try out this phrase "It's my Monday" [0] instead of "Fine, you?" You'll typically have them telling you what day of their work week they are in which is not usually the actual day of the week! Because managers schedule people in service positions in wacky ways. That little bit of human connection around labor and work, man it does wonders. They know you know what it's like, that you see them as a person, and you care a little bit. Really gets the conversation going if there isn't too much of a line. [0] Use any day of the week, but do use a weekday. Monday or Friday works best though.
• stackedinserter 7mo ago
  Smoking used to be a very effective social interaction catalyzer back in my young days.
  • Ylpertnodi 7mo ago
    It still is. I gave up for 15 years, and just the last two years i have been smoking. In these last two years, I've met a lot of people in my company out in the smoker's den, and quite a few of them are really interesting people.
  • weirdkid 7mo ago
    I no longer smoke as a habit, but when I have to travel solo (like for work) I sometimes will buy a pack just so I have an excuse to strike up a conversation with other humans without being called a creep or weirdo. "Hey, you got a light? What brand you smoking? How are you liking the conference so far?"
• NoSalt 7mo ago
  > "As we walked home, my 15-year-old son asked: “Is it OK to talk to people in that way?” “What way?” He was asking about the boundaries when it comes to talking to someone about their home country." My 13 year old is the opposite. He is always telling me that I talk too much to "strangers" and that "people don't to that". I'm assuming he means his peers.
• OpenWaygate 7mo ago
  WFH for half a year, I think I need to go out more and network more.
• cbdevidal 7mo ago
  This advice has the potential soothe political rift. I rarely see anymore two people on opposite sides having a calm discussion of facts such as Krystal and Saagar often do. We need more of that. Dehumanizing the other side has costs.
• vibedev 7mo ago
  I would imagine a common goal could alleviate the resistancy? Talking while jogging or doing shoot-out at a basketball court sounds like a good way to fill in that small gap in between actions.
• jccalhoun 7mo ago
  I'm kind of a misnthrope. I don't know my neighbors and I don't want to. I bought my current house in part because it has a fence around it. I wear earbuds in the store so random people don't try to talk to me (I'm also tall so I get people asking me to get things down for them somewhat often). I teach college so I guess I get enough interaction with strangers from having new students every semester.
  • basilikum 7mo ago
    Yet you felt the need to write exactly that to no one but total strangers on the internet without getting anything immediately out of it other than other people reading it.
• catigula 7mo ago
  I absolutely don't want random strangers talking to me and I cannot be alone.
• agcat 7mo ago
  This is a really good post
• matparker24 7mo ago
  I don't know if anyone follows Jefferson Fisher on ig but his content on how to communicate has always resonated with me as someone who struggles with meeting new people. It's been especially helpful since I've recently moved to a new city.
• lrakster 7mo ago
  I found New England particularly difficult in this regard. Even my neighbors don't want to talk. But, I love this thread. It is so fun to bump into a person and share life for a few minutes. For me, if I'm busy and stressed I don't do this so a lot of it is about my own headspace.
• temp-thrw-999 7mo ago
  I am anonymously writing this because it is a strange outcome of talking to someone by making an effort to do so. I never intended anything when I made an effort to speak with a girl , but to my surprise it ended up with an offer to meet and an invitation for more !! I never thought it would happen to me because I am neither good looking or handsome kinds.
• cwoodyard 7mo ago
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• wwalker2112 7mo ago
  One thing I've done to improve my communication with strangers is to stop trying to think of the perfect way to start a conversation or question. Some of the best conversations I've had started by me asking or telling someone something in a awkward or overly simplified way at first. It takes the pressure off of both of you and a more natural conversation takes place as you both work to get on the same page, which takes time and leads to more conversation. In the past I'd think of the perfect sentence with little nuances and edge cases covered in that sentence to what I was trying to convey, which would result in no real conversation to even take place. Of course you will run into people who are unfriendly and won't receive this well but overall it's lead to more pleasant and natural conversations.
• almosthere 7mo ago
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• keeda 7mo ago
  > Talking with strangers is surprisingly informative I think this should be a key point here, for people motivated by curiosity. I don't seek out conversations with strangers, but when they happen I lean heavily into this aspect. My pro-tip for talking to strangers is to talk about them; ask where they're from, what they do, how their job works, and so on... They are usually more than happy to carry the conversation, they feel like they're being appreciated for being interesting, and you learn so much. As a throwaway example, I found out from someone at a bar that composing music specifically for movie trailers is a business in itself, and the creators do not even know what movie or what trailer their music will be used for. They get direction, they deliver the music, and usually only find out when the trailer is released. Isn't that interesting? And if they ask about you, even easier, you get to feel interesting instead! I was always very uncomfortable socializing growing up and still am, but just like with anything, it gets easier with practice. (Alcohol helps too, if that's an option!)
• KolmogorovComp 7mo ago
  I've been subconsciously doing this forever and after hundreds if no thousands of interaction have lately been assessing its outcome as more neutral than the article frames it. On the long run while mildly pleasant, you realise how shallow these conversations are and they have not brought anything valuable to your life. Maybe stopping for a while would lead to further realisation but I don't think so. The most positive effect it has had on me is to make me enjoy even more deep conversations with my friends.
• Vibeguy900 7mo ago
  I have always found it helpful to try and put yourself in the other person's shoes to look at the situation. makes it easier to connect IMO
• m463 7mo ago
  I think people also overlook opportunities to talk... at their peril. I remember going to a motel (they actually had cabins) to reserve a place for relatives coming into town. The owner was a nice guy, and he ran the whole place himself. I took the girlfriend with me, drove over and we walked over to talk to him. As I started the conversation, you could see he took pride in his place and he was a garrulous guy with sort of a twinkle in his eye. "How much will this cost?!" the girlfriend blurted out. All of a sudden the blossoming conversation ground to a halt, as he put his hand on the back of his neck and started thinking about what a cheap room would go for. We talked about it later, sort of like "I think we were all starting to form a relationship at the start of the conversation, and we lost an opportunity" I think all of us have these opportunities to form a relationship with lots of people we interact with every day, and we can allow it or deny it.
• aeternum 7mo ago
  Ok but can we have another post on how to subtly signal that you do not want to be talked to?
  • throwyawayyyy 7mo ago
    I've rather assumed this is half the use of airpods.
• tsoukase 7mo ago
  I don't talk to everyone, on the other side I talk to almost nobody. But I am ready to speak with anyone if they reach me. I have so much experience/knowledge (professional, social, philosophical) that I can support discussions about anything under any occasion. But outside my family and non-sense chat with 3-4 friends I see hardly any interest. Being in this forum provides all new social contact and it's enough for now.
• juliend2 7mo ago
  The most difficult thing is to break the ice. Once this is done, everything feels easy. The trick is to have a rough idea of what you'll say and just take the plunge. And practice. We all fear rejection. Once you get past that fear, you realise most people are reasonable human beings just like you. If you're curious about the topic, I recommend the book Rejection Proof, by Jia Jiang.
• Bridged7756 7mo ago
  It's either my country or the parenting I got that makes me incapable of trusting a stranger. I don't know who I might be talking to, or who that person I talked to might talk to, and while it might be fine to talk to someone who you'll never see again, I'm really wary of my privacy and how people knowing what I do for a living (and by extension how much I make) might put me in harm's way.