12 ms·

Write a note to your spouse every day

408 points by jordanmoconnor 4y ago

rock_artist 4y ago
This is interesting read/advice. Yet, what I've really missed is the spouse feedback. The writing focused on "his" expectations and "his" conclusions. I'm not underestimating this. Though it would be nice to write this as a duo or share a separate post by your spouse.
- jordanmoconnor 4y ago
  Author here - She regularly talks about her perspective to me and I listen, so a reciprocal note isn't usually necessary or expected.
  - ajma 4y ago
    +1, I'd love to see your wife write up a similar post about how she feels about this exercise.
    - jordanmoconnor 4y ago
      I recorded an interview with her to get her thoughts! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk
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xchip 4y ago
remember to take out the trash
clircle 4y ago
“Husband discovers that communication with wife is helpful”
- em-bee 4y ago
  a bit to much snark for HN i am afraid, but communication with your partner is really what it comes down to.
- TheCowboy 4y ago
  A lot of the comments on here seem to feel this is a controversial topic, so maybe it's not that simple or it's an idea some people would find useful.
seba_dos1 4y ago
> I recommend writing the note first thing in the morning (...) That’s usually when you’re most fresh Combining "morning" and "fresh" in one sentence sounds like an oxymoron to me.
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uhtred 4y ago
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ram_rar 4y ago
I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.
- draw_down 4y ago
- tbossanova 4y ago
  I agree 100%. Marriage works for some, but we shouldn’t assume it works for all. People should be encouraged to seek the model that works for them best. That said, if you have a relationship that works, it’s definitely worth putting time into it in some way.
- ars 4y ago
  This is simply a tip that has worked for this person, and could work for others. It doesn't have to work for everyone to be useful. Also, I feel like far too many people have "holywood" views on what marriage is.
- V-eHGsd_ 4y ago
  i think you're missing the point. it's not that you have to write a note to your spouse to save your marriage. the act of writing forces you to think and evaluate, and those acts of reflection, and 'public' appreciation, help keep the small problems from becoming the big problems. like in karate kid, "wax on, wax off" is not about the wax. but, you're right, marriage isn't for everyone. but i also don't think TFA is trying to convince everyone to get married.
- bentona 4y ago
  I would frame it differently. There seem to be many dysfunctional marriages that are carried by e.g. inertia - and because of this, I do agree that perhaps marriage shouldn't be taken as such an assumption. By the same token, though, those that _do_ choose to engage in marriage should accept the responsibility and the (apparently, I am not married) large amount of effort it takes to make it successful. I'm choosing to look at this tactic as embracing that effort, and striving for an excellent marriage, instead of the "passable" marriage which seems to be the norm today.
mamoriamohit 4y ago
I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commitment, they amplify it. They do not change lack of commitment into love magically. Sorry for being the party pooper. I understand where the OP is coming from and I truly respect that. Just wanted to add a bit of more context.
- xupybd 4y ago
  I'm sorry for what you went through. When one person is giving more that the other relationships can be a real struggle. I've been there I gave 110% and it scared someone off. The entire thing felt awful. Some years later I found my wife and she responds very differently. She would love a note every day. Any attention I give her is welcomed. I hope things work out for you.
- ok_dad 4y ago
  Sure but if your problem is that you don’t think about your spouse enough, this might help. There’s a lot of reasons relationships fail, this seems to try to address one or more ways it can fail.
- deleted 4y ago
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- User23 4y ago
  Since we're being party poopers, it's worth noting that if your relationship fails it is, by definition, because you are unattractive to your partner. If that's the case, then yes attention from an unattractive person is a major turn-off. That's hardly a great revelation, but even so that kind of common sense appears to be sorely lacking amongst many persons.
  - philosopher1234 4y ago
    I think your use of the word attractive is wrongheaded, but if I set that aside your logic is also self contradictory. Lack of attention can cause lack of attraction, and thus attention from an “unattractive” person can cause attraction.
mullikine 4y ago
Already on it: https://semiosis.github.io/posts/write-everyday/ https://semiosis.github.io/posts/write-everyday/
alexashka 4y ago
Imagine needing daily gratitude to function?
- slowmovintarget 4y ago
  Imagine how expressing daily gratitude might change who you are. If you say things enough, you come to believe in them and act to make them true. Even if you wrote such notes every day, and never gave them to your partner, the act of writing them changes you. Perhaps, even, into a better partner.
  - alexashka 4y ago
    Gratitude is only possible from a place of narcissism. Think about it.
    - anotheruser092 4y ago
      I don't get it. Would you be suggesting that truly selfless people don't like to be thanked? If so, I don't understand why that would be a good thing; there's nothing wrong to expect respect or basic appreciation for your help.
      - alexashka 4y ago
        We're using the word differently. In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another. Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. If you're thinking, yeah, great idea, everyone manipulates, so what, you're a sociopath :) As for the way you're using the word gratitude, to mean 'thanks' - sure, social norms dictate acknowledging other human beings in various ways - that's not what this thread is about.
        em-bee 4y ago
the_gipsy 4y ago
> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or so would go by and I hadn’t even so much as checked in on my wife. Sounds like hell; is this the American Dream?
- barry-cotter 4y ago
  People who keep on having children are often the kind of people who like children. Under those circumstances I assure you that is not a hellish life.
  - maest 4y ago
    I think the author thinks they have to have kids as instructed by the bible: "As human beings, our primary mission in life is to be fruitful and multiply, and take dominion over the earth. If that sounds like Bible talk, it is. This is the creed God gave to Adam and Eve. Genesis 1:28. That’s our responsibility as human beings." https://jdnoc.com/guides/increasing-wealth-as-a-father https://jdnoc.com/guides/increasing-wealth-as-a-father
    - eertami 4y ago
      The linked article has quite a few cracks that show, but this is just straight up ramblings of a crazy person. Is this the sad outcome for people who don't know how to write but get addicted to "hustle" influencers and SEO scams? Also none of this sounds at all Christian.
      - OJFord 4y ago
        'Christian' covers an awful lot of ground, as an admittedly simplistic division - a lot of the Old Testament (which includes Genesis as quoted) might '[not sound] at all Christian' to many.
lbrito 4y ago
I'm in a very similar demographic as the author so I empathise with how hard things can be, but this: >there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Oh boy. That sounds awful. Rather than trying to work around that busyness, personally I would go out of my way to just not have that. Maybe I'm naive, but I want to be continuously moving towards being less busy and having more time for my family. Actual time, disposable time. Not time-compressed, high-information-density notes. Of course, to each their own.
- _carbyau_ 4y ago
  That's was one thing that seemed odd to me. Take 15-45 minutes to write a note. Or, y'know, be present for 15-45 minutes right there in person. However I suspect this is less about time management and more about communication styles: this person is a writer. They communicate better when writing.
  - TheCowboy 4y ago
    As they said in the piece, they're also doing thinking while writing. A lot of this thinking is something that isn't going to happen if you're there in person. And the other advantage they mentioned is that it frees up their in-person conversation time for more interesting and intimate conservations.
- dkdbejwi383 4y ago
  It’s an old, oft repeated saying, but nobody ever laments not working enough when they’re on their death bed, but frequently people do regret not spending enough time with loved ones.
  - throwaway98797 4y ago
    the person who is dying isn’t the same person who is working who do you optimize for the old man or the current man
0x008 4y ago
Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other. Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or emotional discomfort to me if you don’t want to talk to your spouse. I would start looking Into that before I would fire off random text book romantic gestures to “save my marriage”.
- colordrops 4y ago
  Yes. I'm in what I feel to be a shitty marriage and it's a lot more communicative and healthy than what is described.
- highwind 4y ago
  You obviously didn't read the whole blog post.
- szundi 4y ago
  They have kids, pretty ok for fatigue to come in. I think this is great, Jordan found something new and novel to reconnect and it worked. Who cares what it is if it worked. Shows affections. People are different, what makes she happy would be weird for your spouse maybe. I like it.
- em-bee 4y ago
  i think part of the problem is, that when everyone is busy it is easy for habits to take over and communication to reduce, especially when things are otherwise going well. but then when things get worse the lack of communication makes it more difficult to notice. in that case, doing something to break out of that and increase communication again sounds like the right step.
- swatcoder 4y ago
  Relationships exist for a lot of reasons simultaneously, and long ones will become more and less about different reasons at different times. For people raising kids together, the relationship can often become dominated by the practical partnership of family-rearing because it’s so consuming. You do that parenting thing all the time and you love your partner for what they add to it and that feels like plenty. That project becomes so fundamental and sufficient that a lot of other parts of the relationship can quietly fade even while the relationship as a whole is very strong. Consciously investing in sharing (or romance, or sex, or travel, or career encouragement, or business partnership, or whatever) can help revive and sustain the multidimensionality of the relationship, and keep it strong and richly satisfying as various other parts wax and wane. Of course, you can also just have a great relationship that rides a “no (conscious) effort” vibe and it can be a long and exciting and rich relationship too. It’s not like there are rules. There’s just no reason to question the OP’s relationship just on the grounds of them choosing to put in some extra effort.
cleandreams 4y ago
Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.
- lotusw0w 4y ago
  I'm really sorry to hear that :(
- bergenty 4y ago
  I guess I just don’t care about any of this. I can tell if my wife (or girlfriend) loves me or not based on body language and actions. These sorts of things have no significance to me, words mean very little. I’m all about action— body language, your tone when speaking, a respectful demeanor, being gracious and pleasant, smiling a lot, keeping the peace - are the only things that matter in my opinion.
  - newshorts 4y ago
    My wife is the same way. Words mean little, actions are her love language. Words are mine. My assumption is everyone means what they say. I tend to take things too literally sometimes. It’s been hard to figure that out about each other, but once we did it’s been easier to translate our love into the language of the other person. My point here is that people have differences in the way they operate and some day you might find the love of your life operates differently too. Keep an open mind about it and seek to understand.
  - darkerside 4y ago
    I wonder if your significant other feels the same way?
- NetOpWibby 4y ago
  I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the day. She’s naturally thoughtful while I’m mostly focused on myself. We had a talk a few months ago and it was revealed that my self-centeredness was a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade. I could go on and on so I’ll just stop here and co-sign once more; communicate with your spouse. And then do it even more than that.
jurassic 4y ago
I don't know about daily notes, anything that's daily kind of loses its impact. But leaving surprise love notes for my wife, spontaneously, a few times a year is wonderful and something I highly recommend. Get some post-its and a sharpie, hide them someplace unexpected.
- em-bee 4y ago
  disagree, when it comes to a relationship some things turn into rituals that are helpful. what the author is doing is more reflection than just paying attention to their partner. daily reflection is very healthy, whether you do it for yourself or you share it doesn't matter. but it doesn't lose its impact.
de6u99er 4y ago
We chat every day on Signal.
- ryanmercer 4y ago
  My wife will point out in the evenings if I didn't text her much during the day, or even send me a message some point during the day asking if I'm alright. These days are few and far between, usually just meeting heavy days or when I really get sucked into a time-sensitive problem.
- jollyllama 4y ago
  Yeah, people act like this is uniquely weird, but it's quite similar to the sms / IM that many of us do every day. It's just all in one message as opposed to broken up, and it's more intentional.
insightcheck 4y ago
For anyone skimming the comments first, I found the author's outline to be the most interesting segment (though I recommend reading the essay in full): "Here’s a general outline of what I write: "Gratitude (for her, her hard work, her amazing looks, etc.) "What I’m working on today. "What I’m working towards (goals, deadlines, etc.) "Anything I’m excited about. "Anything that’s bothering me (stress, anxiety, pessimism, etc.) "Ideas that I have (parenting, fixing the home, work related, etc.) "Transactional stuff (finances, things I need to take care of, stuff I need to remember, etc.) "Questions (are there any events coming up, are we doing a date night this week, etc.) "Gratitude (for the life we have, the things we have, the time we have, the kids we have, etc.) "I don’t write every section every day, but those are the general categories I usually fall into. The note usually takes me just shy of a half-hour if I’m not distracted." The notes are quite thoughtful: many of these points sound sweet, and several of the prompts could still work for people who aren't in a relationship. The appreciation shown, and the self-reflection, likely both strengthen the relationship.
- em-bee 4y ago
  some of that is what i write for myself in my journal. some times i share parts of my journal, or i share something with my partner that then gets added into the journal...
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xlii 4y ago
Eh, everyone does what they want for themselves and a lot of weird dynamics work out for people. However here, not knowing any party, from absolutely fly-over perspective feels like (marital) tragedy waiting to happen. Young (30), working asses off either at work or with 4 young kids, only one person providing, lack of intimacy and something that could be called weekly report instead of partner communicating. Even this piece feels forced. Maybe it’s me but exposing personal relationship strategy feels like boasting about win, and when relationships becomes a field for wins it doesn’t bode well. I still don’t know them and know nada, that might work perfectly well, but that’s definitely not something I’d go with for general life advice.
plaguepilled 4y ago
I agree that this level of communication should be met in a relationship, but I feel like the form is possibly an area for improvement. Talking face to face being preferable, and texting or calling if not. Physical notes are fine but it feels less natural.
- em-bee 4y ago
  they are explicitly stating that writing those notes allows them to talk more because they can move the transactional stuff out of the way and use their face to face time for more enjoyable topics.
tlarkworthy 4y ago
My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read. We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .
- thn-gap 4y ago
  I love this idea, thanks for sharing it.
- yowlingcat 4y ago
  To be honest, I think of something like this as far more intimate and thoughtful than writing a letter once a day. Sure, they're apples and oranges. But taking the time to write a letter each year forces you to think about the year in an anniversarial lens; the meaningful moments, the memories, the struggles, the victories, the journeys.
- jenniferhl3 4y ago
  I still have all the letters that me and my partner wrote each other when we started dating. They're always nice to read again.
- jordanmoconnor 4y ago
  Author here - We do that too! Typically we'll write a letter for the other person for their birthday. It's a much more reflective letter (whereas the daily note is more "what's going on right now"). Great tip.
- sleepydog 4y ago
  I do this as well with my wife of 10 years, although it's not something we agreed upon -- it just ends up happening in lieu of or in addition to a birthday/anniversary/valentine/whatever gift. Agreed on all points.
yessirwhatever 4y ago
Don’t waste your time reading comments. Each pontification is shittier than the other. People on HN can be extremely stupid sometimes. Note to author: please for fuck sake, stop with the false click bait promises. “I wrote a note every day” … then … “Ok, that’s a lie; it’s on weekdays and not everyday”… what the hell? You do you you’re writing and not speaking right? ie. go back and edit your text if you’ve lied, otherwise it’s just clickbait.
- ps901 4y ago
  Look at you, now you're the one commenting stupid.
  - HEGalloway 4y ago
    yessirwhatever
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wayanon 4y ago
This would drive me up the wall but each to their own.
basicplus2 4y ago
Where does one find a wife?
- Cloudef 4y ago
  Having recently found a partner, I never want to go through the search / date / getting known each other process ever again. If you did not get to known someone from young age, the dating culture gets increasingly worse
- em-bee 4y ago
  find some female friends first. and i specifically don't mean try to just date women. friendship without expecting to get married is a better startingpoint. start here https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31713720 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31713720 and maybe here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29100862 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29100862 online dating can work, but only if both partners are open to a serious conversation of your respective expectations from a relationship. or of you both accept that building a relationship takes time to get to know each other.
otikik 4y ago
I would have appreciated some mention of the actual medium in which the notes are written. Are we talking about a post-it note? Are the notes in a physical notebook? Is this done via some sort of mobile app? On a WhatsApp message, perhaps? I know it will be different for everyone, probably, but I think it is important to know one that is already working for someone.
- jordanmoconnor 4y ago
  Author here - I added an addendum to the end of the article. I write notes in a notes app (I use notion, but you can use whatever). Then I usually text it to her (though email would work fine). I keep it very simple, and I type a lot faster than I write by hand.
RektBoy 4y ago
spicyusername 4y ago
Great post! Thanks for sharing something so personal. Being married and having kids is very rewarding, but also very challenging. Being a good husband or father is not something that is a given. This is especially true in the asymmetric situation where one parent stays at home. Good for you for finding meaningful ways to be there for your partner and sharing it. Sharing our experiences for what works helps us all be better! If this post even helps one other dad be a better father and husband, the world is immeasurably improved.
- jordanmoconnor 4y ago
  Author here - that's exactly my thinking. Just sharing my perspective even if it helps one person be a better spouse/parent.
  - spicyusername 4y ago
    It was a great read :) !
  - rcktmrtn 4y ago
    I thought your title and tagline were kind of clickbait-y, but you really inspired me to try what you suggested. I haven't yet overcome the feeling that anything I write to my wife needs to be an elaborate carefully constructed love note to be worthwhile. What you outlined sounds like just writing down some of the contents of regular conversations is what I usually talk about with her in the evenings (since we have no kids yet). ... it also made me think about one of the interesting balances I have to strike in our evening conversations, where I need to remember to stop rambling about technical details of work I'm excited to tell her about but are selfish to monopolize the conversation with (even though I know she does want to hear sometimes). The idea of transferring aspect of conversation to writing is very interesting, and seems like a good opportunity for self examination on my part to be a better spouse. Anyway, thank you for writing!
sbate1987 4y ago
chinupbuttercup 4y ago
The type of job and how you are wired makes a big difference in how you communicate. Like the OP, I'm someone who has always worked in startups (until the last couple months at a non-profit). I've always been on the product / leadership side and most recently cofounded a company where I had to wear all the hats for 7+ years. Most waking moments were focused on making the company successful and ensuring a stable income for my family (I have 4 kids under 17). My older kids are travel soccer players, life is busy and my communication with my wife has suffered for a long while. With limited time together a marriage still needs to move along... I appreciate the OP using all means of communication to improve the relationship. I too am a better writer than speaker so I will add some of his advice to my toolchest.
- jordanmoconnor 4y ago
  Author here - Sounds like you're in a similar situation (just 10 years ahead of me). I think this would work great for you, but you clearly have been doing something right to keep the marriage afloat for that long!
  - chinupbuttercup 4y ago
    My wife and I want to leave a legacy for our kids and glorify God with our marriage. We've also had many first hand experiences of watching other marriages implode and cause harm to family members and children. It's always better to keep working at it, keep humble, and have fun enjoying life :)
lamida 4y ago
I was writing (almost) daily email when I and my wife were in long distance relationship during the time my wife studied for her master degree. It happened just in the early days of our marriage. It was the day before WhatsApp has video call feature and long time before zoom. The small daily email quite helping us to form the bonding. Couple o lf years ago I dumped the email into this blog http://www.dearwifey.com/ http://www.dearwifey.com/.
cryptozeus 4y ago
Great read, I am stealing this concept and implementing it in someway. People are lost here in details, obviously the central point of this article is how to stay on top of communication with your spouse with busy lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be notes, may be you can go for daily walks etc. Point is to not let relationship become stale and boring that after 20-40 years of marriage you may not know much of how life went. May be some people do not want to be very involved with wife and just marry to have kids. Either way points in this articles are great, thanks for sharing.
NooZ 4y ago
Thank you for sharing! great idea.
kimsabiz 4y ago
aas1957 4y ago
3x5 card, one to two sentences. It works.
chkaloon 4y ago
Reminds me of the habit we started in Marriage Encounter 20+ years ago. Same idea - communication. ME is Christian-based, and we have fallen away from that in recent years, but the concept was sound. The daily notes went a long way to improving communication and intimacy. This post prompts me to pick it up again.
arkades 4y ago
My issue with my wife is not having 45 mins a day with her. If I had that, the note would be supernumerary.
eric4smith 4y ago
Writing a note every day is just pedestalizing your partner unless it’s bidirectional. Also, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a real thing. So very bad advice if it’s just one way. That’s actually si*p behavior. Very good advice if it’s symmetrical.
- kixiQu 4y ago
  The underlying value here seems to be that good communication is absolutely essential. The kind of person who goes into SEO blogging professionally is likely a very comfortable writer. It may be that one person is better able to express themselves in a written form, and one person is better able to express themselves orally. It sounds like this isn't really about the ceremony of the note - they're handling household logistics – so much as putting the effort into communicating, so I could see that being best done by one person as writing, and by the other spoken.
  - eric4smith 4y ago
    That's implied.
chmod600 4y ago
Does she write notes to him? It would feel a little weird to me if this was one-sided.
llaolleh 4y ago
Everyday sounds a bit too aggressive, but I could see this working maybe on a weekly or monthly basis but in longer form. A newsletter for one could sound exciting.
duckydude20 4y ago
i am so obsessed with writing notes. like, i literally document everything. like everything. it's not like writing diary at end of the day. it's like taking notes you are going through. i am so obsessed, i try to reach out for my mobiles as fast as possible something happen. it's like, i am writing what i am thinking... and it's only for one reason for my future partner, that's all. i want to share everything with her. no matter what... i know it's so much she can't even read everything. also, one i meet her, these notes will be redirected towards her, so kind of no notes, what better that direct convo with her even with messages.... :) i am waiting so much........
jordanmoconnor 4y ago
Author here - I recorded an interview with my wife to get her perspective on it all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk

This is interesting read/advice. Yet, what I've really missed is the spouse feedback. The writing focused on "his" expectations and "his" conclusions. I'm not underestimating this. Though it would be nice to write this as a duo or share a separate post by your spouse.

jordanmoconnor 4y ago
Author here - She regularly talks about her perspective to me and I listen, so a reciprocal note isn't usually necessary or expected.
- ajma 4y ago
  +1, I'd love to see your wife write up a similar post about how she feels about this exercise.
  - jordanmoconnor 4y ago
    I recorded an interview with her to get her thoughts! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk

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xchip 4y ago

remember to take out the trash

clircle 4y ago

“Husband discovers that communication with wife is helpful”

em-bee 4y ago
a bit to much snark for HN i am afraid, but communication with your partner is really what it comes down to.
TheCowboy 4y ago
A lot of the comments on here seem to feel this is a controversial topic, so maybe it's not that simple or it's an idea some people would find useful.

seba_dos1 4y ago

> I recommend writing the note first thing in the morning (...) That’s usually when you’re most fresh Combining "morning" and "fresh" in one sentence sounds like an oxymoron to me.

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uhtred 4y ago

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ram_rar 4y ago

I am going to get a lot of flak for this. But the more I read things like these, the more I feel marriage is not for everyone and society has a whole should stop gushing down this concept to next generation. Personally I feel, If you have to write a note to your spouse everyday to "save your marriage", then you probably didnt have one to begin with.

draw_down 4y ago
tbossanova 4y ago
I agree 100%. Marriage works for some, but we shouldn’t assume it works for all. People should be encouraged to seek the model that works for them best. That said, if you have a relationship that works, it’s definitely worth putting time into it in some way.
ars 4y ago
This is simply a tip that has worked for this person, and could work for others. It doesn't have to work for everyone to be useful. Also, I feel like far too many people have "holywood" views on what marriage is.
V-eHGsd_ 4y ago
i think you're missing the point. it's not that you have to write a note to your spouse to save your marriage. the act of writing forces you to think and evaluate, and those acts of reflection, and 'public' appreciation, help keep the small problems from becoming the big problems. like in karate kid, "wax on, wax off" is not about the wax. but, you're right, marriage isn't for everyone. but i also don't think TFA is trying to convince everyone to get married.
bentona 4y ago
I would frame it differently. There seem to be many dysfunctional marriages that are carried by e.g. inertia - and because of this, I do agree that perhaps marriage shouldn't be taken as such an assumption. By the same token, though, those that _do_ choose to engage in marriage should accept the responsibility and the (apparently, I am not married) large amount of effort it takes to make it successful. I'm choosing to look at this tactic as embracing that effort, and striving for an excellent marriage, instead of the "passable" marriage which seems to be the norm today.

mamoriamohit 4y ago

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commitment, they amplify it. They do not change lack of commitment into love magically. Sorry for being the party pooper. I understand where the OP is coming from and I truly respect that. Just wanted to add a bit of more context.

xupybd 4y ago
I'm sorry for what you went through. When one person is giving more that the other relationships can be a real struggle. I've been there I gave 110% and it scared someone off. The entire thing felt awful. Some years later I found my wife and she responds very differently. She would love a note every day. Any attention I give her is welcomed. I hope things work out for you.
ok_dad 4y ago
Sure but if your problem is that you don’t think about your spouse enough, this might help. There’s a lot of reasons relationships fail, this seems to try to address one or more ways it can fail.
deleted 4y ago
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User23 4y ago
Since we're being party poopers, it's worth noting that if your relationship fails it is, by definition, because you are unattractive to your partner. If that's the case, then yes attention from an unattractive person is a major turn-off. That's hardly a great revelation, but even so that kind of common sense appears to be sorely lacking amongst many persons.
- philosopher1234 4y ago
  I think your use of the word attractive is wrongheaded, but if I set that aside your logic is also self contradictory. Lack of attention can cause lack of attraction, and thus attention from an “unattractive” person can cause attraction.

mullikine 4y ago

Already on it: https://semiosis.github.io/posts/write-everyday/ https://semiosis.github.io/posts/write-everyday/

alexashka 4y ago

Imagine needing daily gratitude to function?

slowmovintarget 4y ago
Imagine how expressing daily gratitude might change who you are. If you say things enough, you come to believe in them and act to make them true. Even if you wrote such notes every day, and never gave them to your partner, the act of writing them changes you. Perhaps, even, into a better partner.
- alexashka 4y ago
  Gratitude is only possible from a place of narcissism. Think about it.
  - anotheruser092 4y ago
    I don't get it. Would you be suggesting that truly selfless people don't like to be thanked? If so, I don't understand why that would be a good thing; there's nothing wrong to expect respect or basic appreciation for your help.
    - alexashka 4y ago
      We're using the word differently. In the context of this thread, gratitude stands for expressing what you appreciate about your relationship with another. Do you see the problem here? If you like a flower, do you feel the need to thank it? No, right? A flower does what flowers do. So what's different about this scenario? The difference is you're using expression of gratitude as a tactic to manipulate. If you're thinking, yeah, great idea, everyone manipulates, so what, you're a sociopath :) As for the way you're using the word gratitude, to mean 'thanks' - sure, social norms dictate acknowledging other human beings in various ways - that's not what this thread is about.
      - em-bee 4y ago

the_gipsy 4y ago

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or so would go by and I hadn’t even so much as checked in on my wife. Sounds like hell; is this the American Dream?

barry-cotter 4y ago
People who keep on having children are often the kind of people who like children. Under those circumstances I assure you that is not a hellish life.
- maest 4y ago
  I think the author thinks they have to have kids as instructed by the bible: "As human beings, our primary mission in life is to be fruitful and multiply, and take dominion over the earth. If that sounds like Bible talk, it is. This is the creed God gave to Adam and Eve. Genesis 1:28. That’s our responsibility as human beings." https://jdnoc.com/guides/increasing-wealth-as-a-father https://jdnoc.com/guides/increasing-wealth-as-a-father
  - eertami 4y ago
    The linked article has quite a few cracks that show, but this is just straight up ramblings of a crazy person. Is this the sad outcome for people who don't know how to write but get addicted to "hustle" influencers and SEO scams? Also none of this sounds at all Christian.
    - OJFord 4y ago
      'Christian' covers an awful lot of ground, as an admittedly simplistic division - a lot of the Old Testament (which includes Genesis as quoted) might '[not sound] at all Christian' to many.

lbrito 4y ago

I'm in a very similar demographic as the author so I empathise with how hard things can be, but this: >there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Oh boy. That sounds awful. Rather than trying to work around that busyness, personally I would go out of my way to just not have that. Maybe I'm naive, but I want to be continuously moving towards being less busy and having more time for my family. Actual time, disposable time. Not time-compressed, high-information-density notes. Of course, to each their own.

_carbyau_ 4y ago
That's was one thing that seemed odd to me. Take 15-45 minutes to write a note. Or, y'know, be present for 15-45 minutes right there in person. However I suspect this is less about time management and more about communication styles: this person is a writer. They communicate better when writing.
- TheCowboy 4y ago
  As they said in the piece, they're also doing thinking while writing. A lot of this thinking is something that isn't going to happen if you're there in person. And the other advantage they mentioned is that it frees up their in-person conversation time for more interesting and intimate conservations.
dkdbejwi383 4y ago
It’s an old, oft repeated saying, but nobody ever laments not working enough when they’re on their death bed, but frequently people do regret not spending enough time with loved ones.
- throwaway98797 4y ago
  the person who is dying isn’t the same person who is working who do you optimize for the old man or the current man

0x008 4y ago

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other. Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or emotional discomfort to me if you don’t want to talk to your spouse. I would start looking Into that before I would fire off random text book romantic gestures to “save my marriage”.

colordrops 4y ago
Yes. I'm in what I feel to be a shitty marriage and it's a lot more communicative and healthy than what is described.
highwind 4y ago
You obviously didn't read the whole blog post.
szundi 4y ago
They have kids, pretty ok for fatigue to come in. I think this is great, Jordan found something new and novel to reconnect and it worked. Who cares what it is if it worked. Shows affections. People are different, what makes she happy would be weird for your spouse maybe. I like it.
em-bee 4y ago
i think part of the problem is, that when everyone is busy it is easy for habits to take over and communication to reduce, especially when things are otherwise going well. but then when things get worse the lack of communication makes it more difficult to notice. in that case, doing something to break out of that and increase communication again sounds like the right step.
swatcoder 4y ago
Relationships exist for a lot of reasons simultaneously, and long ones will become more and less about different reasons at different times. For people raising kids together, the relationship can often become dominated by the practical partnership of family-rearing because it’s so consuming. You do that parenting thing all the time and you love your partner for what they add to it and that feels like plenty. That project becomes so fundamental and sufficient that a lot of other parts of the relationship can quietly fade even while the relationship as a whole is very strong. Consciously investing in sharing (or romance, or sex, or travel, or career encouragement, or business partnership, or whatever) can help revive and sustain the multidimensionality of the relationship, and keep it strong and richly satisfying as various other parts wax and wane. Of course, you can also just have a great relationship that rides a “no (conscious) effort” vibe and it can be a long and exciting and rich relationship too. It’s not like there are rules. There’s just no reason to question the OP’s relationship just on the grounds of them choosing to put in some extra effort.

cleandreams 4y ago

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

lotusw0w 4y ago
I'm really sorry to hear that :(
bergenty 4y ago
I guess I just don’t care about any of this. I can tell if my wife (or girlfriend) loves me or not based on body language and actions. These sorts of things have no significance to me, words mean very little. I’m all about action— body language, your tone when speaking, a respectful demeanor, being gracious and pleasant, smiling a lot, keeping the peace - are the only things that matter in my opinion.
- newshorts 4y ago
  My wife is the same way. Words mean little, actions are her love language. Words are mine. My assumption is everyone means what they say. I tend to take things too literally sometimes. It’s been hard to figure that out about each other, but once we did it’s been easier to translate our love into the language of the other person. My point here is that people have differences in the way they operate and some day you might find the love of your life operates differently too. Keep an open mind about it and seek to understand.
- darkerside 4y ago
  I wonder if your significant other feels the same way?
NetOpWibby 4y ago
I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced. This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication. In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the day. She’s naturally thoughtful while I’m mostly focused on myself. We had a talk a few months ago and it was revealed that my self-centeredness was a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade. I could go on and on so I’ll just stop here and co-sign once more; communicate with your spouse. And then do it even more than that.

jurassic 4y ago

I don't know about daily notes, anything that's daily kind of loses its impact. But leaving surprise love notes for my wife, spontaneously, a few times a year is wonderful and something I highly recommend. Get some post-its and a sharpie, hide them someplace unexpected.

em-bee 4y ago
disagree, when it comes to a relationship some things turn into rituals that are helpful. what the author is doing is more reflection than just paying attention to their partner. daily reflection is very healthy, whether you do it for yourself or you share it doesn't matter. but it doesn't lose its impact.

de6u99er 4y ago

We chat every day on Signal.

ryanmercer 4y ago
My wife will point out in the evenings if I didn't text her much during the day, or even send me a message some point during the day asking if I'm alright. These days are few and far between, usually just meeting heavy days or when I really get sucked into a time-sensitive problem.
jollyllama 4y ago
Yeah, people act like this is uniquely weird, but it's quite similar to the sms / IM that many of us do every day. It's just all in one message as opposed to broken up, and it's more intentional.

insightcheck 4y ago

For anyone skimming the comments first, I found the author's outline to be the most interesting segment (though I recommend reading the essay in full): "Here’s a general outline of what I write: "Gratitude (for her, her hard work, her amazing looks, etc.) "What I’m working on today. "What I’m working towards (goals, deadlines, etc.) "Anything I’m excited about. "Anything that’s bothering me (stress, anxiety, pessimism, etc.) "Ideas that I have (parenting, fixing the home, work related, etc.) "Transactional stuff (finances, things I need to take care of, stuff I need to remember, etc.) "Questions (are there any events coming up, are we doing a date night this week, etc.) "Gratitude (for the life we have, the things we have, the time we have, the kids we have, etc.) "I don’t write every section every day, but those are the general categories I usually fall into. The note usually takes me just shy of a half-hour if I’m not distracted." The notes are quite thoughtful: many of these points sound sweet, and several of the prompts could still work for people who aren't in a relationship. The appreciation shown, and the self-reflection, likely both strengthen the relationship.

em-bee 4y ago
some of that is what i write for myself in my journal. some times i share parts of my journal, or i share something with my partner that then gets added into the journal...

deleted 4y ago

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xlii 4y ago

Eh, everyone does what they want for themselves and a lot of weird dynamics work out for people. However here, not knowing any party, from absolutely fly-over perspective feels like (marital) tragedy waiting to happen. Young (30), working asses off either at work or with 4 young kids, only one person providing, lack of intimacy and something that could be called weekly report instead of partner communicating. Even this piece feels forced. Maybe it’s me but exposing personal relationship strategy feels like boasting about win, and when relationships becomes a field for wins it doesn’t bode well. I still don’t know them and know nada, that might work perfectly well, but that’s definitely not something I’d go with for general life advice.

plaguepilled 4y ago

I agree that this level of communication should be met in a relationship, but I feel like the form is possibly an area for improvement. Talking face to face being preferable, and texting or calling if not. Physical notes are fine but it feels less natural.

em-bee 4y ago
they are explicitly stating that writing those notes allows them to talk more because they can move the transactional stuff out of the way and use their face to face time for more enjoyable topics.

tlarkworthy 4y ago

My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read. We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .

thn-gap 4y ago
I love this idea, thanks for sharing it.
yowlingcat 4y ago
To be honest, I think of something like this as far more intimate and thoughtful than writing a letter once a day. Sure, they're apples and oranges. But taking the time to write a letter each year forces you to think about the year in an anniversarial lens; the meaningful moments, the memories, the struggles, the victories, the journeys.
jenniferhl3 4y ago
I still have all the letters that me and my partner wrote each other when we started dating. They're always nice to read again.
jordanmoconnor 4y ago
Author here - We do that too! Typically we'll write a letter for the other person for their birthday. It's a much more reflective letter (whereas the daily note is more "what's going on right now"). Great tip.
sleepydog 4y ago
I do this as well with my wife of 10 years, although it's not something we agreed upon -- it just ends up happening in lieu of or in addition to a birthday/anniversary/valentine/whatever gift. Agreed on all points.

yessirwhatever 4y ago

Don’t waste your time reading comments. Each pontification is shittier than the other. People on HN can be extremely stupid sometimes. Note to author: please for fuck sake, stop with the false click bait promises. “I wrote a note every day” … then … “Ok, that’s a lie; it’s on weekdays and not everyday”… what the hell? You do you you’re writing and not speaking right? ie. go back and edit your text if you’ve lied, otherwise it’s just clickbait.

ps901 4y ago
Look at you, now you're the one commenting stupid.
- HEGalloway 4y ago
  yessirwhatever

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

wayanon 4y ago

This would drive me up the wall but each to their own.

basicplus2 4y ago

Where does one find a wife?

Cloudef 4y ago
Having recently found a partner, I never want to go through the search / date / getting known each other process ever again. If you did not get to known someone from young age, the dating culture gets increasingly worse
em-bee 4y ago
find some female friends first. and i specifically don't mean try to just date women. friendship without expecting to get married is a better startingpoint. start here https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31713720 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31713720 and maybe here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29100862 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29100862 online dating can work, but only if both partners are open to a serious conversation of your respective expectations from a relationship. or of you both accept that building a relationship takes time to get to know each other.

otikik 4y ago

I would have appreciated some mention of the actual medium in which the notes are written. Are we talking about a post-it note? Are the notes in a physical notebook? Is this done via some sort of mobile app? On a WhatsApp message, perhaps? I know it will be different for everyone, probably, but I think it is important to know one that is already working for someone.

jordanmoconnor 4y ago
Author here - I added an addendum to the end of the article. I write notes in a notes app (I use notion, but you can use whatever). Then I usually text it to her (though email would work fine). I keep it very simple, and I type a lot faster than I write by hand.

RektBoy 4y ago

spicyusername 4y ago

Great post! Thanks for sharing something so personal. Being married and having kids is very rewarding, but also very challenging. Being a good husband or father is not something that is a given. This is especially true in the asymmetric situation where one parent stays at home. Good for you for finding meaningful ways to be there for your partner and sharing it. Sharing our experiences for what works helps us all be better! If this post even helps one other dad be a better father and husband, the world is immeasurably improved.

jordanmoconnor 4y ago
Author here - that's exactly my thinking. Just sharing my perspective even if it helps one person be a better spouse/parent.
- spicyusername 4y ago
  It was a great read :) !
- rcktmrtn 4y ago
  I thought your title and tagline were kind of clickbait-y, but you really inspired me to try what you suggested. I haven't yet overcome the feeling that anything I write to my wife needs to be an elaborate carefully constructed love note to be worthwhile. What you outlined sounds like just writing down some of the contents of regular conversations is what I usually talk about with her in the evenings (since we have no kids yet). ... it also made me think about one of the interesting balances I have to strike in our evening conversations, where I need to remember to stop rambling about technical details of work I'm excited to tell her about but are selfish to monopolize the conversation with (even though I know she does want to hear sometimes). The idea of transferring aspect of conversation to writing is very interesting, and seems like a good opportunity for self examination on my part to be a better spouse. Anyway, thank you for writing!

sbate1987 4y ago

chinupbuttercup 4y ago

The type of job and how you are wired makes a big difference in how you communicate. Like the OP, I'm someone who has always worked in startups (until the last couple months at a non-profit). I've always been on the product / leadership side and most recently cofounded a company where I had to wear all the hats for 7+ years. Most waking moments were focused on making the company successful and ensuring a stable income for my family (I have 4 kids under 17). My older kids are travel soccer players, life is busy and my communication with my wife has suffered for a long while. With limited time together a marriage still needs to move along... I appreciate the OP using all means of communication to improve the relationship. I too am a better writer than speaker so I will add some of his advice to my toolchest.

jordanmoconnor 4y ago
Author here - Sounds like you're in a similar situation (just 10 years ahead of me). I think this would work great for you, but you clearly have been doing something right to keep the marriage afloat for that long!
- chinupbuttercup 4y ago
  My wife and I want to leave a legacy for our kids and glorify God with our marriage. We've also had many first hand experiences of watching other marriages implode and cause harm to family members and children. It's always better to keep working at it, keep humble, and have fun enjoying life :)

lamida 4y ago

I was writing (almost) daily email when I and my wife were in long distance relationship during the time my wife studied for her master degree. It happened just in the early days of our marriage. It was the day before WhatsApp has video call feature and long time before zoom. The small daily email quite helping us to form the bonding. Couple o lf years ago I dumped the email into this blog http://www.dearwifey.com/ http://www.dearwifey.com/.

cryptozeus 4y ago

Great read, I am stealing this concept and implementing it in someway. People are lost here in details, obviously the central point of this article is how to stay on top of communication with your spouse with busy lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be notes, may be you can go for daily walks etc. Point is to not let relationship become stale and boring that after 20-40 years of marriage you may not know much of how life went. May be some people do not want to be very involved with wife and just marry to have kids. Either way points in this articles are great, thanks for sharing.

NooZ 4y ago

Thank you for sharing! great idea.

kimsabiz 4y ago

aas1957 4y ago

3x5 card, one to two sentences. It works.

chkaloon 4y ago

Reminds me of the habit we started in Marriage Encounter 20+ years ago. Same idea - communication. ME is Christian-based, and we have fallen away from that in recent years, but the concept was sound. The daily notes went a long way to improving communication and intimacy. This post prompts me to pick it up again.

arkades 4y ago

My issue with my wife is not having 45 mins a day with her. If I had that, the note would be supernumerary.

eric4smith 4y ago

Writing a note every day is just pedestalizing your partner unless it’s bidirectional. Also, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a real thing. So very bad advice if it’s just one way. That’s actually si*p behavior. Very good advice if it’s symmetrical.

kixiQu 4y ago
The underlying value here seems to be that good communication is absolutely essential. The kind of person who goes into SEO blogging professionally is likely a very comfortable writer. It may be that one person is better able to express themselves in a written form, and one person is better able to express themselves orally. It sounds like this isn't really about the ceremony of the note - they're handling household logistics – so much as putting the effort into communicating, so I could see that being best done by one person as writing, and by the other spoken.
- eric4smith 4y ago
  That's implied.

chmod600 4y ago

Does she write notes to him? It would feel a little weird to me if this was one-sided.

llaolleh 4y ago

Everyday sounds a bit too aggressive, but I could see this working maybe on a weekly or monthly basis but in longer form. A newsletter for one could sound exciting.

duckydude20 4y ago

i am so obsessed with writing notes. like, i literally document everything. like everything. it's not like writing diary at end of the day. it's like taking notes you are going through. i am so obsessed, i try to reach out for my mobiles as fast as possible something happen. it's like, i am writing what i am thinking... and it's only for one reason for my future partner, that's all. i want to share everything with her. no matter what... i know it's so much she can't even read everything. also, one i meet her, these notes will be redirected towards her, so kind of no notes, what better that direct convo with her even with messages.... :) i am waiting so much........

jordanmoconnor 4y ago

Author here - I recorded an interview with my wife to get her perspective on it all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJP-4f7AnAk