8 ms·

Getting Out of a Rut

236 points by beepdyboop 4y ago

Lately, I’ve just been trying to get by. Feels like my body has been running on autopilot. The consequence of which life just seems to go by even faster. Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety that I have not felt for years. But I think everything’s going to be alright. Getting out of bed is a drag, my apartment might be a bit messy, work and relationships not going as well I’d like, procrastinated every possible task that needs to be done.. You know. Right now, I’m just surprised to find myself writing about it whilst grateful to be acknowledging that I’m in a rut. I'm motivated to get out of this. At the same time I’m scared I’ll just go back to autopilot on Monday. In February, I’ll become a father and I want to be there for my son. Where do I go from here?

donkeyofd00m 4y ago
I've been here fairly recently since the heavy covid years. I've been making good progress out of this, but I've still got a ways to go The way I looked at it was that I was in a local maximum of wellbeing. Less than I wanted to feel, but feeling "trapped" to do anything about it as any deviation from the comfort zone required me to leave that local maximum for a bit... even if there were higher heights beyond it Social, romantic, career... all was just "not great but manageable". Good for today, but a sense of dread staying in the same place for years I started just getting involved in any activity to improve the areas important to myself of for "I always wanted to do this" leisure. I wanted to volenteer teaching kids math... reached out to my network, and I was flexible enough to pivot volenteering for a schoolteacher running for political office. I knew I would feel exhaused doing so. And, the first little while I absolutely was But, I find lots of truth in the quote "if you want something done, give it to a busy person". With small pockets for rest and relaxation accounted for, you'd be supprised what you can accomplish with your free time Once I was volenteering, it was almost uncanny how I noticed I started going on many more meaningful dates, good prospective job interviews and strengthening/growing my social circles after a few months. Less time, but way more accomplished than when I was doing nothing. It was almost like I overcame the inertia of staying stagnant "Oh, I have a date coming up tomorrow but I'm on the campaign trail now? No time to wallow or procrastinate about cleaning my apparment; I only have the time once I get back tonight. I'll do it without thinking"... that's how I noticed my prespective shifted durring that time Things improved from there. Since my election has been over and I no longer contribute to the party, I've noticed myself slipping back into the inertia of inaction. I'm literally on my computer now researching to join a comedy club and volenteer in education for real this time If I'd recommend anything from my annacdotal experience, just focus on joining some club for leisure, exercise, professional or "higher purpose" reasons... anything really. Some community. Even if it's just a weekly dog walk with a friend. Perhaps my own personal taste/annacdote, I found things social in nature pushed me further and had more accountability to not let the group down (i.e, a workout class with peers worked much better than a 1on1 personal trainer). The peer support and different prespectives help you get out of your head/thought loops. You will be exhaused the first month or two. However, once you stabilize, I noticed that my proactivity to carve out a more meaningul and plesant life started to snowball I agree with all the health/hygiene comments here too. I just found that the "top down" approach with activity gave me the motivation to establish the habbit. The "bottom up" methods made those habbits fizzle out after a month
stevofolife 4y ago
It’s just an excuse that you’ve created or found for yourself. One is able to do something right now regardless of what happened in the past. Drop the excuse and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Edit: And once you see the light, don’t look back. Just keep going. It’s an adventure.
aaronrobinson 4y ago
Go for a run.
gilbertmpanga12 4y ago
iancmceachern 4y ago
Take time off. Completely disconnect, turn your phone off. Force yourself to do it for a week.
swader999 4y ago
Start lifting
- ctyc 4y ago
  Strong second on this. It will feel like the last thing you want to do, but start lifting heavy stuff and be consistent. You will feel better, I promise.
  - swader999 4y ago
    It seems flippant in retrospect but I'm going through the very worst life experience imaginable right now and it's the only thing that helps me sleep.
- ncr100 4y ago
  For me cardio (stationary bike) 30 mins a day, every other day, it's Magic. I'm a different person, mood-wise.
progrus 4y ago
Walk outside every day
pmoriarty 4y ago
Psychedelic therapy might help
throw_away_add2 4y ago
Waiting for my kid's due date was a slog for me too.
audiometry 4y ago
Go on a three week video game moratorium. Get on a regular sleep schedule that wakes you up earlier than normal. Make task todo lists. Make “intentions for the week” lists. Make the items small grains of sand sand. Tick them off as you finish some of them. It won’t be everything probably. Get yourself on a program of your choosing and it becomes a virtuous cycle. Talk to someone too. Not commiserate, which isn’t helpful, but someone who could help or offer objective advice or just even understand you better after you say your piece.
- knicholes 4y ago
  I just did this, and surprisingly it really did help. I started playing "Satisfactory." I found the little successes of progressing felt like when I succeeded at writing a nice clean function. I think the rut, for me, was caused by constantly changing requirements and having no feelings of success.
  - Comevius 4y ago
    That's why prison, large companies or just life in the 21st century can be so bad, humans need to be able to feel that they have an impact on their environment. But it works the other way around, if the game becomes the primary means of satisfying those needs you are going to have a bad time.
sokoloff 4y ago
If this is your first kid, I can recall the intense mix of happiness and “oh shit, the game just changed!” feelings when we were expecting our first. That seems totally normal/expected based on my experience. I can’t give specific advice, but can say that, for me, getting started on some mildly unpleasant task is far more challenging than the reality of completing it. I can spend hours dreading a five minute task. Knowing that rationally and calling myself out on my own bullshit works for me (a lot, but not all, of the time). Good luck.
simonhamp 4y ago
You need a break. Nothing short of 2 whole weeks. Give your mind and body chance to have a complete switch from the routine. And it doesn't need to be a 'holiday' - a staycation can be far more relaxing than tiring, stressful, expensive travel. Be intentional about not getting dragged into videos/games/services - read a physical book or two, walk, exercise. Go on dates, call family.
hsn915 4y ago
Cleanup your room. Cleanup your appearance (hair, beard, cloths, etc). Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction. If I may "guess" what's going on: You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice? First of all, you always have a choice. Do your duty, but do it out of your own volition, not out of fear of being seen in a negative light by society / parents / etc. If you must, try doing things that would upset people whom scold you fear. Quit your job and try to find another one or become independent and work contracts while building up a business. Do something that you believe in your gut is the right thing to do even though it will upset some people. You will feel such a relief. Now you can act out of your own volition. Now, do this with every aspect of life. Do what you believe is right. Take people's input if you must, but own the decision and don't be afraid of their reactions.
- tartoran 4y ago
  I also sugested this but as decluttering. I’ve done it years ago, my house is now emptyish, less furniture too as well as less stuff in general including the digital realm as well.
  - hsn915 4y ago
    Yea the biggest source of messiness is people not throwing out stuff they don't need. They think they "lose" something by throwing it out. In fact they are losing unimaginably by keeping garbage laying around.
    - tartoran 4y ago
      Absolutely. I want to add it’s not even garbage in some cases, just too much of anything can affect our psyche.
- tux2bsd 4y ago
  Make your bed as soon as you get up. (To add to your first sentence)
tartoran 4y ago
Simplify your life. Start with a purge, get rid of stuff that clutters your life (including digital clutter) and make room for deliberate experiences. Go on walks, day hikes and spend more time outdoors.
krangfu 4y ago
Almost always watching a screen this isn’t great. Technical problems small but still need to fight bear. Mr Miyagi San.
andor 4y ago
Scrolling through online feeds is an addiction. Best thing seems to be to go cold turkey. Instead you could do something meditative (e.g. taking walks, sports) or something that allows you to enter a flow state (e.g. reading a book). Getting out of bed can be difficult, so it's best done out of habit and without thinking. Some pointers Anna Lembke On The Neuroscience of Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw Implementation intentions to form new habits: https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-intention https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-...
- andor 4y ago
  Oh, and one thing to keep in mind is that motivation follows action. Just do something (or in your case, stop doing something) for a while and you'll start to enjoy it.
  - matthewfcarlson 4y ago
    I have really trouble starting and stopping things. One helpful trick is just tell myself that I can work on x for five minutes. The other part of the truck is that you have to mean it. Sometimes I get on the computer to work on a side project, and then goof off on other stuff and some nights I’m working right up until bedtime.
Comevius 4y ago
Welcome to depression. You are burned out and fighting for a dopamine hit, hence the overindulgence. From time to time you become motivated to change, which too becomes a source of dopamine, dreaming about doing it, but never following through, because you never have the energy, and motivation is just as fleeting as the high you get from porn, games and food is. The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that. We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your appearance will also help. The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist can be helpful. The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either, escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging the intention-action gap: 1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly. 2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation by highlighting benefits. 3. Make it timely. Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest. Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality, flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist). Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy, support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't always do it on your own.
- Scandiravian 4y ago
  I think these are good pieces of advice, though I'd also add reaching out to trusted friends, family, and/or partner(s) to tell them about the situation Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?" Involving other people creates accountability, which can help with the motivation on rough days Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)
the-printer 4y ago
Look in the mirror. Lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Phone an older relative, reflect on the history of your family. Stare outside the window. Take a walk through the town or the city; people-watch; understand that mostly everyone else feels the exact same way that you do, they just have better ways at masking it; you may be suggesting masks right now in fact. Ask yourself honestly: What are the trends that characterize the strengths and weaknesses of my family’s lineage? What are the cycles? How do I break them? How do I organize around a new one that will protect my own children from how I feel? What is the objective for humanity, truly? Are we to merely eat, accumulate wealth, frolic and procreate like hares and squirrels? Protest, program and attempt to prolong our inevitable in-existence on earth?
Labo333 4y ago
On top of the other answers that are really helpful, I would say to: - take a break, go to vacation for 2 weeks - get a regular sleep schedule with 8 hours. - have a healthy diet without sugar (dopamine) - do some exercise and cleaning instead of videos and games - try L-theanine (possibly with caffeine). It helped me a ton in similar situations.
gautamdivgi 4y ago
Get a complete panel of bloodwork done. I was feeling rather chill, unmotivated but not depressed. Also symptoms and fatigue and delayed recovery from exercise. I have lower levels of hormones and definitely low on testosterone. Disclaimer: not a doctor, just narrating my experience. I would talk to your doctor and see if all is good there.
dazc 4y ago
You're smart enough to ask for help, take on board the helpful comments and stay engaged. Get out of the house for several hours a day, even if it is just walking around aimlessly, as it will give you perspective and clear your mind; the physical exercise won't hurt either. This is something we all go through at some stage of our lives - it is normal, don't fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.
cloudking 4y ago
Use the digital well-being features on your phone, set time limits on social media apps and enable downtime options. This won't solve all your problems, but at least can help you be aware of how you're spending your time. Android: https://support.google.com/android/answer/9346420 https://support.google.com/android/answer/9346420 iOS: https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982 https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982
pkrotich 4y ago
Glad you’re sharing - it helps to seek professional help too. Not trying to connect the dots - but perhaps you’re anxious and scared about being a parent with someone you don’t want to be with longterm and you feel conflicted? (Been there myself) I know it’s hard to pinpoint source of such spirals but try your best to be there for your child - let that be the motivation and guiding star (not work) and I can assure you you’ll be excited about life again when the focus is not on you! For starters - put together a nursery and baby proof the house. I can assure that alone will have your place organized and super clean. Take parenting class and meet others. You’ll be an awesome father my dear friend and congratulations!
SCUSKU 4y ago
Hey man, I totally know where you're coming from. I experienced burnout which led to depression. Boy did it not feel good. My will to live was at an all time low and I was also in a bad mood, felt completely disinterested in doing things. I was in denial though, and once it got to a breaking point I was able to surpass my internally held stigma against seeking help. I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who put me on prozac and wellbutrin, and started doing weekly therapy. It helped a lot, and I'm doing much better these days and I am no longer on the medication, just doing talk therapy. For you, I would say consider seeking help from a psychiatrist, and just talk to them. They won't always put you on medication. But I think more importantly, you should look for a therapist that you like and helps you. I was fortunate to find a great one on my first try, but talking to my therapist just lets me air all my life grievances, feel heard, and helps me just let go of things that don't matter. It sounds like your symptoms are different than mine, so I think it makes sense to seek help from a professional. Best of luck, this is a great first step to seeking help though, best of luck OP.
jmfldn 4y ago
Sorry to hear, I've been there. First things first, do see a medical professional. Secondly. I find I have to take quite a holistic approach to my life to keep on an even keel. Regular moderate exercise (whatever you enjoy and are likely to keep up, doesn't have to be much). Regular sleep schedule. Get outside lots, ideally in green spaces. The sun and elements on your face is really important. Clean up the diet too. Don't go crazy here but be sensible with sugar, reduce alcohol intake, reduce caffeine. Up the fruit and veg intake. I also need a hobby or interest that really engages me. For me it's piano but finding something that recharges you and makes you feel switched on, really helps. Other things that help me are relaxation exercises, doesn't have to be meditation, but something of that nature. Start to gently train your mind to unwind, bit by bit. Low intensity yoga is also excellent here. Trying to foster self compassion, and compassion for those around you, can really dampen those low feelings for me too. Try to feel you are enough, you are suffering but doing your best, and we all share this nature. Suffering and compassion can connect you to others too. Obviously, this is very personal advice. It depends on the specific underlying causes. As someone who has to deal with low energy, mood and some anxiety sometimes, but not acute mental illness, these have been life savers for me.
SimianLogic 4y ago
I second getting some bloodwork done. I was feeling similar and found I had crazy low testosterone. Getting healthy is kind of trendy right now, but my quality of life has gone way up after a few months of TRT (now stopped), regular exercise, and going to bed earlier. (Huberman lab early podcast episodes are a good place to start).
mtalantikite 4y ago
First I’d say find joy in the fact that you’re even acknowledging that you’re at this point. Like all things, the situation is impermanent and you know that something can change if you put the effort in. When I was at a similar point I decided to commit myself to a physical practice. I didn’t know what it would be, but I knew changing my body and my relation to it would somehow unlock things. It’s going to look different for everyone, but for me I started by conquering my fear of swimming (early childhood trauma from drowning). I then started going to a gym, didn’t love it, but took some strength classes and did a lot of cardio on the rowing machine. I then fell into an intense physical yoga practice of 5x week for three years, which was life changing. Then I found myself training Muay Thai. Just find something that works for you and where your body is at. As a music teacher of mine said to me, there’s nothing wrong with being where you’re at, just keep practicing. In the midst of all that I spent two years in therapy, during which time I wrote in a journal every day (based off of morning pages from the artist’s way). It was super helpful to have an established physical practice while working with a therapist, as a lot of stuff comes up and often times the best thing to do is to move it physically out of your body (check out “The Body Keeps the Score” if you haven’t yet). But, don’t think too much about the whole path. Just start with a single commitment to something and keep walking.
aristofun 4y ago
>> In February, I’ll become a father and I want to be there for my son Have as much quality rest as you can and find the best therapist you can. Those are obly advices i wish someone gave mme in your situation
- granshaw 4y ago
  Would you have shared with your wife that you seeked therapist help?
  - aristofun 4y ago
    In fact asked her to help me find one.
dQw4w9WgXcQ 4y ago
As someone in a "rut" recently, one of the things I realized was I needed to stop telling myself the story that I'm in a rut, because describing it as a "rut" focuses on a lot of externals I can't control. When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat this is terrible", or you can start telling yourself the story of the actions you're taking to fix the flat: 1) I'm finding the jack, 2) I'm loosening the lugs 3) I've got the spare ready, 4) you get the idea... Reclaim your power and focus on the positive actions you are taking as minute as those seem in the moment. Meditate deeply on those, maybe even journal them daily so you force your brain to stare at the evidence that while you might feel like you're in a rut you are logically taking good steps through this rut experience. Btw, don't underestimate the impact of the stresses of coming fatherhood, you've got a lot going on unconsciously that's less a "rut" and more like your entire biology reconfiguring itself for a new daily role. You do need to make some changes, ideally make a list of what your brain is telling you to change, but you'll be OK man.
- orblivion 4y ago
  I really appreciate this because it's effectively the same advice as the "it's on you, stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc" stuff, except it's not at all condescending or demeaning, and it has more specific useful steps. I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic but this seems like a useful attitude for other areas in which I feel stuck.
  - jcpst 4y ago
    > I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut. If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years. Shoot- even if you just don’t want to get covid, or long covid, or spread it through the community. It’s been a hard experience being part of the minority not pretending things are ‘back to normal’. That’ll put ya in a rut.
max_hammer 4y ago
Consult a doctor. These symptoms are similar to depression. If you live a area with less sunlight test Vitamin D tested. Also, becoming a father is a big change and you need to be mentally prepared for it and mind went into defence mode (depression). Something you can try at home 1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. More varied diet helps in Vitamin and nutrition deficiency. 2. Go out on walks. 3. Do not take media to bed. Buy a good reading lamp + physical book or a kindle/remarkable. 4. Put your phone in Grayscale mode. 5. Go to a vacation. Even booking a hotel in same city for a Weekend will give you much needed break.
cyberdata 4y ago
Get physically active. You would need a LOT of energy to be around your son. I wish I was fitter when I became a father. That would have really helped. Once you get more energy, things will fall into place. So keep that as your first priority.
- SamPatt 4y ago
  This advice is almost always good regardless of circumstance. Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and being fit enough to care for yourself and others as long as you can, are life-changing decisions for the better.
- boruto 4y ago
  It gets progressively more physically demanding, Much more if the baby has health or other issues. I used to get heavy migraine attacks, I could just shut myself in a room go to sleep and recuperate. Now I pop couple or even three ibuprofen to get by.
trashface 4y ago
I'm no expert, but your description of problems makes me think of ADHD inattentive type presentation.
lacoolj 4y ago
Biggest change you can immediately make that will have a direct, positive impact - clean your apartment. Doesn't have to be the whole thing. Focus on one manageable area or category, like laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, etc. Knock it out, then choose the next most logical (just swept? now mop). Hard to get going at first, but once you start, sometimes it's just as hard to stop.
mohave529 4y ago
I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now. It's very admirable to that you're looking to help yourself to better be there for your child. I found myself in a similar situation 2 years ago, when it felt like the world was collapsing around me and the narrative of my life falling to pieces was the dominant soundtrack in my mind. There was no easy fix, but I do believe that taking up a mindfulness/meditation practice was what helped me to become what I believe is the happiest I've been ever in my life for well over a year now. The biggest change for me was the weakening of the feeling of the self as a distinct concept and the narrative attached to it. When that dropped away it was incredible how many habits that improved my quality of life just started happening. My sleep routine became fixed, I started exercising almost every day, and my friendships blossomed. It's hard to describe - but these changes seemingly arose out of observation rather than an act of will. Just one suggestion out of many, but I hope you find yourself feeling less stuck in the near future.
srge 4y ago
Start doing meditation, 1 min per day everyday and more when you feel like it. Start to go at the gym. Also start small, maybe 10 min every three days but never miss one session. Increase time and frequency when it’s appealing to you. Stop coffee and alcohol. Prioritize activities that are relaxing and/or energizing you. Walk. Relax. Don’t overthink, as thinking can not fix your issue.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
hacksoi 4y ago
You're not being challenged in a meaningful way. Find a more challenging job.
bribri 4y ago
Try waking up at as early and walking a few miles each morning. Has improved my mental health a ton. lifting is great but walking is so easy to get started and be consistent
nullandvoid 4y ago
I see you mention over indulging gaming. This provides one of the biggest dopamine hits, and if you're playing non stop everything else will be a bit dull (including the stuff you need to do in order to have a base happiness- exercise, eating well) Pasting in a previous comment I put on here (I have no affiliation) --- Purchase + install "cold turkey", you can set time blocks to play, or block months out entirely. I used to game all the time, I now block games for 2-3 months, have a good weekend blow out and repeat.
rationalfaith 4y ago
Sorry to hear this. Same situation with 100lbs of extra weight -.- Cut out video games and I seem to be doing better. But have so many more things to tackle including my health. I'd like to blame covid and the whole wfh crap which has made a lot of ppl colder than usual (at least that's my impression). I'm still grateful for my beautiful family and having a job but man is it a struggle.
mrj 4y ago
These things happen. As I have gotten older, one of the most important things I have learned is that productivity is not a straight line. It's waves for me. Sometimes I'll be very interested and do great work, other days.. I should spend some time managing Jira or something. Don't beat yourself up. You're not a machine. Address the things that are bringing you down by finding better replacements. Take time to form habits you prefer and let the rest sort itself out. Try to work towards small daily goals.
mfashby 4y ago
> Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety that I have not felt for years. This is the core problem in Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, probably a bunch of other books too. It's an unfair fight: you vs the behemoth companies that produce the addictive feeds. Worth a read IMO
_3u10 4y ago
Pay someone to clean your apartment. Fix your relationship or end it. Decide you’re just never doing whatever you are procrastinating about. Let them know you’re not doing it. Take a vacation. Do nothing.
profstasiak 4y ago
stop eating processed food especially ultra processed food. It cleared my brain fog
PKop 4y ago
Lift weights and get sunlight and vitamin D, which will boost energy and testosterone, and thus motivation. If you're not doing the physical/health necessities as a baseline foundation, nothing else will work. Start there. Good books to motivate drive for masculine purpose, including prioritizing the body instead of modern tendency to a sedentary isolation of the mind apart from the body: Bronze Age Mindset by Bronze Age Pervert https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-mindset https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-m... Sun and Steel by Yukio Mishima https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel Goodluck
aronowb14 4y ago
Therapy worked wonders for me. Therapists are trained to help and give you custom things to do based on what you need. I found one that gave me a lot of structured “assignments” and questions to ask myself and I’ve never felt better than I do now.
darksofa 4y ago
You need to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment. You are showing symptoms of depression. If you have depression, you can't get out of it by yourself -- you will need help. Fortunately, there are professionals standing by who have dedicated their lives to helping people just like you. There can be biological causes for low mood and energy. I'll mention two. The first is hypothyroidism (low thyroid). This comes on insidiously, with lower and lower levels over a span of years. Your energy gets lower and lower, slowly over time. Thyroid hormone is needed by every cell in your body to produce energy. Can be diagnosed with the TSH blood test (if above 3, suspect hypothyroidism). The second is low testosterone, which can also be diagnosed with blood tests. It also develops insidiously. Testosterone has a powerful effect on the brain. A hundred years ago, testosterone was used as a therapy for depression (it worked). Go see a doctor. You can't get out of it by yourself.
dubeye 4y ago
I felt much the same before my kid was born. I would concentrate on enjoying what time you have left as a free man to tick off any bucket lists that might be tricky being tied to your kids post code.
- andrewallbright 4y ago
  Any advice for others going through this phase of their life? I have a terrible feeling this will be me; when I think of having a child I do think about it as if I will only be living for someone else (which is fine) but I have ambitions I want to materialize. How has living a post child life given you more insight into your pre child thoughts?
  - agent008t 4y ago
    Why have a child? It is completely optional.
jdeaton 4y ago
I've been in ruts before. Something helpful which has gotten me to the other side of the most recent one is telling myself repeatedly "I'm just in a bad time". The last word (i.e. "time") is really key here. It's imposing a temporal structure of transience on the situation. In this way, I can conceptualize the "end" of the "bad time" as sone (unknown) future point in time which is inevitably approaching, even though I'm not sure when it will be. The notion of a "rut", by contrast, imposes a physical structure on the concept (think is a person who is literally stuck in a ditch in the ground) which doesn't lend itself to your thinking of it as "inevitable" for you to ever get out of it.
yboris 4y ago
Sorry if a bit too-much off-topic, but could we all agree as a society that 4DWW (Four Day Work Week) would do wonders to address some of the issues in this post? My best wishes to you specifically. I am curious if you think a week or few-week vacation would give you time to address some challenges you otherwise can't find time for?
orzig 4y ago
There is so much complexity here but I do not know where to start but I just want to throw in that the first few months of parenthood are supposed to be difficult and zombie like so don’t get down on yourself if you make some progress in the next few months, then regress. Things get better after the first year and maybe sooner
skee8383 4y ago
beebmam 4y ago
Talk to a therapist. It will do you far better than getting advice from strangers.
ProjectArcturis 4y ago
Don't worry about it. Once you become a father your entire life will be turned upside down.
kyleyeats 4y ago
Email me (email in profile). I'm a philosopher working on emotional issues in tech. I can give you advice that works for you.
HakuG 4y ago
Man, I could've written this post a few years ago. I want to commend you for being so brave to ask for help, that's incredibly hard as a step one. Here's my advice from my personal struggles, maybe it resonates: You need a North Star, something that helps drive the decisions you make. I found my North Star by realizing that similar to how I had my father's tendencies, my kid would have mine. I didn't want my impression on my kid to be my depression and lack of enjoyment for my life, which meant getting up, exercising, being compassionate, and doing what I loved. Waking up every day saying "Let's be a better father for little HakuG" is all I needed. I don't even have a kid yet, but it still drives a large majority of my decisions.
_huayra_ 4y ago
Make good decisions when you're feeling well that make bad decisions when you're feeling impulsive harder. Example: buy only good food / no alcohol / etc when you shop; when those emotions well up that typically trigger going towards the bad thing to consume, it just doesn't exist. It's amazing how NOT hungry one actually is when you actually would have to do so much as microwave something! Show up daily, even in a small way. BJ Fogg's Tiny Habits stuff goes over this exhaustively, but basically it's better to go to the gym to do 1 minute of exercise than to not go at all, as it's more about building your identity than doing the actual thing effectively. You should consider changing your relationship with your regret, so you can use it as this "pointy stick to motivate yourself" instead of this dull, directionless pain that pervades your life. This book is great [0]. Ask yourself "would I regret NOT doing this?" often. Would you regret not looking at this Orange Website, even if you feel the urge? Keep looking at your life through this lens to understand what you'll regret, and steer your ship accordingly. [0] https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/ https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/
throwaway378037 4y ago
I could have written all of this myself except for the father part. I feel ya.
ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago
> In February, I’ll become a father If nothing else, this will force you to get out of the rut. It might give you a new one, but it will get you out of the one you're in, now. Congratulations!
John23832 4y ago
Whew this was a word. Describe what your rut is. Itemize it. Deeply. Then pick one thing. It can be the smallest thing on the list. And fix it for one day. Keep fixing it for a week, then pick the next thing on the list and fix that too. Keep steady for a week, add another. Improvements in life VERY RARELY happen all at once. Start small.
ohiovr 4y ago
If you have a job, count that as a blessing. The internet has made most of us materialists and carnal. It sure did that to me. I recently sold my powerful desktop and traded my monitor for a few hundred bucks and I've been left with a bunch of cables that I no longer need nor wish sell. So I'm just going to hand them to Goodwill. I have been cleaning my whole apartment from wall to wall now for the last week and a half. I will be 100% done tomorrow. My apartment did not show evidence of life in it for years because I was too concentrated on my monitor screen. Life and the days rolled by seemingly I was barely in it to make any difference. I finally got a job that I like that is not tech oriented and now I spend most of my time standing and although my feet hurt I feel stronger now because of it. I had a lot of high hopes with some work that I was doing but I was not thinking clearly to see it was really just a hobby that can't have legs. The process of liquidation takes a certain threshold. When you start to notice it is already a little late. I took out 7 contractor sized bags of laundry and did the wash on anything made of fabric. I then took my wardrobe and started tossing stuff I didn't like or donating the better parts that didn't fit to the thrift. I replaced all my tshirts with polo to match my new employer dress code. Each shirt only cost $4 to replace from the salvation army (new ones would cost at least 4 times as much). I got smaller pants that now fit mostly without a belt though I still have wear one. I spent about $150 of my new money for things like pillows and bedding and throw pillows and some GFS food. I did some fun entertaining in my now clean apartment today. I made gyros from a kit I bought and made a salad for my brother. After that I toasted some marshmallows on the range and made smores in the oven. I have found that food pleases more than music if you know how to do either. I've got plans to do some more entertaining now that I can do it. I didn't think of that when I started but now it seems doable. The more face time I have the better I feel. I think the Lord is behind us for downsizing. We really don't need a lot of the stuff we've acquired.
hizxy 4y ago
It’s just life. The ups and downs. There is nothing wrong with you. You are aware of the situation (better than most people) so you just need to change one thing at a time. Literally doing something that you were putting off for 10 minutes is a start. —— Disclaimer: Depression is real and multifaceted. Some seek medical help. Some get over it on their own.
ttul 4y ago
Definitely go see a doctor. You’re describing aspects of general anxiety disorder, ADHD, and major depressive disorder. You need to talk to someone trained to diagnose what could be going on so that you can receive an evidence-based treatment that might just work.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
uptownfunk 4y ago
I think the nice thing is you’ve already taken the first step: 1) understand what is truly meaningful to you In other words, on your death bed, did you do what you wanted to do? Once you’ve figured that out, then you can start orienting your life towards those things. Start with one small atomic change per week. If you keep that up, imagine how great your life will be. Vs if not, where will you go to? You have a son, so that motivation is there. Kids will test your patience, and patience defines parenting, just like commitment defines a relationship. So you need to be at your best. Changing your life for the better is one of the hardest things you can do, so start small, give yourself time, and celebrate each win. I think in no time you can be ready to be feeling amazing and ready to be an amazing parent.
cnagesh 4y ago
A colleague of mine expressed he is in depression to manager, he told that he cannot do anything and asked to take time off. I'm in similar situation, was very physically fit but was injured in gym (tfcc tear) now I'm still recovering lost the urge to even getup from the bed. I feel like I'm slipping in depression, but I'm fighting for it. So I have decided to get a complete blood test done. Getup early in the morning and start working out. But I still need to drive enough motivation to spend quality time on the work and get my professional/hobby done. Most of the time I will slip into watching videos on YouTube. Tried pomodoro technique, but didn't succeed, don't know where I will endup with all this. Hope one day I will reach best of myself.

236 points by beepdyboop 4y ago

donkeyofd00m 4y ago

I've been here fairly recently since the heavy covid years. I've been making good progress out of this, but I've still got a ways to go The way I looked at it was that I was in a local maximum of wellbeing. Less than I wanted to feel, but feeling "trapped" to do anything about it as any deviation from the comfort zone required me to leave that local maximum for a bit... even if there were higher heights beyond it Social, romantic, career... all was just "not great but manageable". Good for today, but a sense of dread staying in the same place for years I started just getting involved in any activity to improve the areas important to myself of for "I always wanted to do this" leisure. I wanted to volenteer teaching kids math... reached out to my network, and I was flexible enough to pivot volenteering for a schoolteacher running for political office. I knew I would feel exhaused doing so. And, the first little while I absolutely was But, I find lots of truth in the quote "if you want something done, give it to a busy person". With small pockets for rest and relaxation accounted for, you'd be supprised what you can accomplish with your free time Once I was volenteering, it was almost uncanny how I noticed I started going on many more meaningful dates, good prospective job interviews and strengthening/growing my social circles after a few months. Less time, but way more accomplished than when I was doing nothing. It was almost like I overcame the inertia of staying stagnant "Oh, I have a date coming up tomorrow but I'm on the campaign trail now? No time to wallow or procrastinate about cleaning my apparment; I only have the time once I get back tonight. I'll do it without thinking"... that's how I noticed my prespective shifted durring that time Things improved from there. Since my election has been over and I no longer contribute to the party, I've noticed myself slipping back into the inertia of inaction. I'm literally on my computer now researching to join a comedy club and volenteer in education for real this time If I'd recommend anything from my annacdotal experience, just focus on joining some club for leisure, exercise, professional or "higher purpose" reasons... anything really. Some community. Even if it's just a weekly dog walk with a friend. Perhaps my own personal taste/annacdote, I found things social in nature pushed me further and had more accountability to not let the group down (i.e, a workout class with peers worked much better than a 1on1 personal trainer). The peer support and different prespectives help you get out of your head/thought loops. You will be exhaused the first month or two. However, once you stabilize, I noticed that my proactivity to carve out a more meaningul and plesant life started to snowball I agree with all the health/hygiene comments here too. I just found that the "top down" approach with activity gave me the motivation to establish the habbit. The "bottom up" methods made those habbits fizzle out after a month

stevofolife 4y ago

It’s just an excuse that you’ve created or found for yourself. One is able to do something right now regardless of what happened in the past. Drop the excuse and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Edit: And once you see the light, don’t look back. Just keep going. It’s an adventure.

aaronrobinson 4y ago

Go for a run.

gilbertmpanga12 4y ago

iancmceachern 4y ago

Take time off. Completely disconnect, turn your phone off. Force yourself to do it for a week.

swader999 4y ago

Start lifting

ctyc 4y ago
Strong second on this. It will feel like the last thing you want to do, but start lifting heavy stuff and be consistent. You will feel better, I promise.
- swader999 4y ago
  It seems flippant in retrospect but I'm going through the very worst life experience imaginable right now and it's the only thing that helps me sleep.
ncr100 4y ago
For me cardio (stationary bike) 30 mins a day, every other day, it's Magic. I'm a different person, mood-wise.

progrus 4y ago

Walk outside every day

pmoriarty 4y ago

Psychedelic therapy might help

throw_away_add2 4y ago

Waiting for my kid's due date was a slog for me too.

audiometry 4y ago

Go on a three week video game moratorium. Get on a regular sleep schedule that wakes you up earlier than normal. Make task todo lists. Make “intentions for the week” lists. Make the items small grains of sand sand. Tick them off as you finish some of them. It won’t be everything probably. Get yourself on a program of your choosing and it becomes a virtuous cycle. Talk to someone too. Not commiserate, which isn’t helpful, but someone who could help or offer objective advice or just even understand you better after you say your piece.

knicholes 4y ago
I just did this, and surprisingly it really did help. I started playing "Satisfactory." I found the little successes of progressing felt like when I succeeded at writing a nice clean function. I think the rut, for me, was caused by constantly changing requirements and having no feelings of success.
- Comevius 4y ago
  That's why prison, large companies or just life in the 21st century can be so bad, humans need to be able to feel that they have an impact on their environment. But it works the other way around, if the game becomes the primary means of satisfying those needs you are going to have a bad time.

sokoloff 4y ago

If this is your first kid, I can recall the intense mix of happiness and “oh shit, the game just changed!” feelings when we were expecting our first. That seems totally normal/expected based on my experience. I can’t give specific advice, but can say that, for me, getting started on some mildly unpleasant task is far more challenging than the reality of completing it. I can spend hours dreading a five minute task. Knowing that rationally and calling myself out on my own bullshit works for me (a lot, but not all, of the time). Good luck.

simonhamp 4y ago

You need a break. Nothing short of 2 whole weeks. Give your mind and body chance to have a complete switch from the routine. And it doesn't need to be a 'holiday' - a staycation can be far more relaxing than tiring, stressful, expensive travel. Be intentional about not getting dragged into videos/games/services - read a physical book or two, walk, exercise. Go on dates, call family.

hsn915 4y ago

Cleanup your room. Cleanup your appearance (hair, beard, cloths, etc). Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction. If I may "guess" what's going on: You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice? First of all, you always have a choice. Do your duty, but do it out of your own volition, not out of fear of being seen in a negative light by society / parents / etc. If you must, try doing things that would upset people whom scold you fear. Quit your job and try to find another one or become independent and work contracts while building up a business. Do something that you believe in your gut is the right thing to do even though it will upset some people. You will feel such a relief. Now you can act out of your own volition. Now, do this with every aspect of life. Do what you believe is right. Take people's input if you must, but own the decision and don't be afraid of their reactions.

tartoran 4y ago
I also sugested this but as decluttering. I’ve done it years ago, my house is now emptyish, less furniture too as well as less stuff in general including the digital realm as well.
- hsn915 4y ago
  Yea the biggest source of messiness is people not throwing out stuff they don't need. They think they "lose" something by throwing it out. In fact they are losing unimaginably by keeping garbage laying around.
  - tartoran 4y ago
    Absolutely. I want to add it’s not even garbage in some cases, just too much of anything can affect our psyche.
tux2bsd 4y ago
Make your bed as soon as you get up. (To add to your first sentence)

tartoran 4y ago

Simplify your life. Start with a purge, get rid of stuff that clutters your life (including digital clutter) and make room for deliberate experiences. Go on walks, day hikes and spend more time outdoors.

krangfu 4y ago

Almost always watching a screen this isn’t great. Technical problems small but still need to fight bear. Mr Miyagi San.

andor 4y ago

Scrolling through online feeds is an addiction. Best thing seems to be to go cold turkey. Instead you could do something meditative (e.g. taking walks, sports) or something that allows you to enter a flow state (e.g. reading a book). Getting out of bed can be difficult, so it's best done out of habit and without thinking. Some pointers Anna Lembke On The Neuroscience of Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw Implementation intentions to form new habits: https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-intention https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-...

andor 4y ago
Oh, and one thing to keep in mind is that motivation follows action. Just do something (or in your case, stop doing something) for a while and you'll start to enjoy it.
- matthewfcarlson 4y ago
  I have really trouble starting and stopping things. One helpful trick is just tell myself that I can work on x for five minutes. The other part of the truck is that you have to mean it. Sometimes I get on the computer to work on a side project, and then goof off on other stuff and some nights I’m working right up until bedtime.

Comevius 4y ago

Welcome to depression. You are burned out and fighting for a dopamine hit, hence the overindulgence. From time to time you become motivated to change, which too becomes a source of dopamine, dreaming about doing it, but never following through, because you never have the energy, and motivation is just as fleeting as the high you get from porn, games and food is. The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that. We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your appearance will also help. The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist can be helpful. The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either, escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging the intention-action gap: 1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly. 2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation by highlighting benefits. 3. Make it timely. Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest. Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality, flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist). Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy, support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't always do it on your own.

Scandiravian 4y ago
I think these are good pieces of advice, though I'd also add reaching out to trusted friends, family, and/or partner(s) to tell them about the situation Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?" Involving other people creates accountability, which can help with the motivation on rough days Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)

the-printer 4y ago

Look in the mirror. Lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Phone an older relative, reflect on the history of your family. Stare outside the window. Take a walk through the town or the city; people-watch; understand that mostly everyone else feels the exact same way that you do, they just have better ways at masking it; you may be suggesting masks right now in fact. Ask yourself honestly: What are the trends that characterize the strengths and weaknesses of my family’s lineage? What are the cycles? How do I break them? How do I organize around a new one that will protect my own children from how I feel? What is the objective for humanity, truly? Are we to merely eat, accumulate wealth, frolic and procreate like hares and squirrels? Protest, program and attempt to prolong our inevitable in-existence on earth?

Labo333 4y ago

On top of the other answers that are really helpful, I would say to: - take a break, go to vacation for 2 weeks - get a regular sleep schedule with 8 hours. - have a healthy diet without sugar (dopamine) - do some exercise and cleaning instead of videos and games - try L-theanine (possibly with caffeine). It helped me a ton in similar situations.

gautamdivgi 4y ago

Get a complete panel of bloodwork done. I was feeling rather chill, unmotivated but not depressed. Also symptoms and fatigue and delayed recovery from exercise. I have lower levels of hormones and definitely low on testosterone. Disclaimer: not a doctor, just narrating my experience. I would talk to your doctor and see if all is good there.

dazc 4y ago

You're smart enough to ask for help, take on board the helpful comments and stay engaged. Get out of the house for several hours a day, even if it is just walking around aimlessly, as it will give you perspective and clear your mind; the physical exercise won't hurt either. This is something we all go through at some stage of our lives - it is normal, don't fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.

cloudking 4y ago

Use the digital well-being features on your phone, set time limits on social media apps and enable downtime options. This won't solve all your problems, but at least can help you be aware of how you're spending your time. Android: https://support.google.com/android/answer/9346420 https://support.google.com/android/answer/9346420 iOS: https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982 https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982

pkrotich 4y ago

Glad you’re sharing - it helps to seek professional help too. Not trying to connect the dots - but perhaps you’re anxious and scared about being a parent with someone you don’t want to be with longterm and you feel conflicted? (Been there myself) I know it’s hard to pinpoint source of such spirals but try your best to be there for your child - let that be the motivation and guiding star (not work) and I can assure you you’ll be excited about life again when the focus is not on you! For starters - put together a nursery and baby proof the house. I can assure that alone will have your place organized and super clean. Take parenting class and meet others. You’ll be an awesome father my dear friend and congratulations!

SCUSKU 4y ago

Hey man, I totally know where you're coming from. I experienced burnout which led to depression. Boy did it not feel good. My will to live was at an all time low and I was also in a bad mood, felt completely disinterested in doing things. I was in denial though, and once it got to a breaking point I was able to surpass my internally held stigma against seeking help. I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who put me on prozac and wellbutrin, and started doing weekly therapy. It helped a lot, and I'm doing much better these days and I am no longer on the medication, just doing talk therapy. For you, I would say consider seeking help from a psychiatrist, and just talk to them. They won't always put you on medication. But I think more importantly, you should look for a therapist that you like and helps you. I was fortunate to find a great one on my first try, but talking to my therapist just lets me air all my life grievances, feel heard, and helps me just let go of things that don't matter. It sounds like your symptoms are different than mine, so I think it makes sense to seek help from a professional. Best of luck, this is a great first step to seeking help though, best of luck OP.

jmfldn 4y ago

Sorry to hear, I've been there. First things first, do see a medical professional. Secondly. I find I have to take quite a holistic approach to my life to keep on an even keel. Regular moderate exercise (whatever you enjoy and are likely to keep up, doesn't have to be much). Regular sleep schedule. Get outside lots, ideally in green spaces. The sun and elements on your face is really important. Clean up the diet too. Don't go crazy here but be sensible with sugar, reduce alcohol intake, reduce caffeine. Up the fruit and veg intake. I also need a hobby or interest that really engages me. For me it's piano but finding something that recharges you and makes you feel switched on, really helps. Other things that help me are relaxation exercises, doesn't have to be meditation, but something of that nature. Start to gently train your mind to unwind, bit by bit. Low intensity yoga is also excellent here. Trying to foster self compassion, and compassion for those around you, can really dampen those low feelings for me too. Try to feel you are enough, you are suffering but doing your best, and we all share this nature. Suffering and compassion can connect you to others too. Obviously, this is very personal advice. It depends on the specific underlying causes. As someone who has to deal with low energy, mood and some anxiety sometimes, but not acute mental illness, these have been life savers for me.

SimianLogic 4y ago

I second getting some bloodwork done. I was feeling similar and found I had crazy low testosterone. Getting healthy is kind of trendy right now, but my quality of life has gone way up after a few months of TRT (now stopped), regular exercise, and going to bed earlier. (Huberman lab early podcast episodes are a good place to start).

mtalantikite 4y ago

First I’d say find joy in the fact that you’re even acknowledging that you’re at this point. Like all things, the situation is impermanent and you know that something can change if you put the effort in. When I was at a similar point I decided to commit myself to a physical practice. I didn’t know what it would be, but I knew changing my body and my relation to it would somehow unlock things. It’s going to look different for everyone, but for me I started by conquering my fear of swimming (early childhood trauma from drowning). I then started going to a gym, didn’t love it, but took some strength classes and did a lot of cardio on the rowing machine. I then fell into an intense physical yoga practice of 5x week for three years, which was life changing. Then I found myself training Muay Thai. Just find something that works for you and where your body is at. As a music teacher of mine said to me, there’s nothing wrong with being where you’re at, just keep practicing. In the midst of all that I spent two years in therapy, during which time I wrote in a journal every day (based off of morning pages from the artist’s way). It was super helpful to have an established physical practice while working with a therapist, as a lot of stuff comes up and often times the best thing to do is to move it physically out of your body (check out “The Body Keeps the Score” if you haven’t yet). But, don’t think too much about the whole path. Just start with a single commitment to something and keep walking.

aristofun 4y ago

>> In February, I’ll become a father and I want to be there for my son Have as much quality rest as you can and find the best therapist you can. Those are obly advices i wish someone gave mme in your situation

granshaw 4y ago
Would you have shared with your wife that you seeked therapist help?
- aristofun 4y ago
  In fact asked her to help me find one.

dQw4w9WgXcQ 4y ago

As someone in a "rut" recently, one of the things I realized was I needed to stop telling myself the story that I'm in a rut, because describing it as a "rut" focuses on a lot of externals I can't control. When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat this is terrible", or you can start telling yourself the story of the actions you're taking to fix the flat: 1) I'm finding the jack, 2) I'm loosening the lugs 3) I've got the spare ready, 4) you get the idea... Reclaim your power and focus on the positive actions you are taking as minute as those seem in the moment. Meditate deeply on those, maybe even journal them daily so you force your brain to stare at the evidence that while you might feel like you're in a rut you are logically taking good steps through this rut experience. Btw, don't underestimate the impact of the stresses of coming fatherhood, you've got a lot going on unconsciously that's less a "rut" and more like your entire biology reconfiguring itself for a new daily role. You do need to make some changes, ideally make a list of what your brain is telling you to change, but you'll be OK man.

orblivion 4y ago
I really appreciate this because it's effectively the same advice as the "it's on you, stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc" stuff, except it's not at all condescending or demeaning, and it has more specific useful steps. I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic but this seems like a useful attitude for other areas in which I feel stuck.
- jcpst 4y ago
  > I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic I don’t want to get too meta, or say you’re wrong, but there’s a lot of us that are very much right in the middle of this pandemic. And it contributes to the rut. If you live in a household that is collectively protecting a loved one who is immunocompromised, this pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere in the past two and a half years. Shoot- even if you just don’t want to get covid, or long covid, or spread it through the community. It’s been a hard experience being part of the minority not pretending things are ‘back to normal’. That’ll put ya in a rut.

max_hammer 4y ago

Consult a doctor. These symptoms are similar to depression. If you live a area with less sunlight test Vitamin D tested. Also, becoming a father is a big change and you need to be mentally prepared for it and mind went into defence mode (depression). Something you can try at home 1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. More varied diet helps in Vitamin and nutrition deficiency. 2. Go out on walks. 3. Do not take media to bed. Buy a good reading lamp + physical book or a kindle/remarkable. 4. Put your phone in Grayscale mode. 5. Go to a vacation. Even booking a hotel in same city for a Weekend will give you much needed break.

cyberdata 4y ago

Get physically active. You would need a LOT of energy to be around your son. I wish I was fitter when I became a father. That would have really helped. Once you get more energy, things will fall into place. So keep that as your first priority.

SamPatt 4y ago
This advice is almost always good regardless of circumstance. Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and being fit enough to care for yourself and others as long as you can, are life-changing decisions for the better.
boruto 4y ago
It gets progressively more physically demanding, Much more if the baby has health or other issues. I used to get heavy migraine attacks, I could just shut myself in a room go to sleep and recuperate. Now I pop couple or even three ibuprofen to get by.

trashface 4y ago

I'm no expert, but your description of problems makes me think of ADHD inattentive type presentation.

lacoolj 4y ago

Biggest change you can immediately make that will have a direct, positive impact - clean your apartment. Doesn't have to be the whole thing. Focus on one manageable area or category, like laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, etc. Knock it out, then choose the next most logical (just swept? now mop). Hard to get going at first, but once you start, sometimes it's just as hard to stop.

mohave529 4y ago

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now. It's very admirable to that you're looking to help yourself to better be there for your child. I found myself in a similar situation 2 years ago, when it felt like the world was collapsing around me and the narrative of my life falling to pieces was the dominant soundtrack in my mind. There was no easy fix, but I do believe that taking up a mindfulness/meditation practice was what helped me to become what I believe is the happiest I've been ever in my life for well over a year now. The biggest change for me was the weakening of the feeling of the self as a distinct concept and the narrative attached to it. When that dropped away it was incredible how many habits that improved my quality of life just started happening. My sleep routine became fixed, I started exercising almost every day, and my friendships blossomed. It's hard to describe - but these changes seemingly arose out of observation rather than an act of will. Just one suggestion out of many, but I hope you find yourself feeling less stuck in the near future.

srge 4y ago

Start doing meditation, 1 min per day everyday and more when you feel like it. Start to go at the gym. Also start small, maybe 10 min every three days but never miss one session. Increase time and frequency when it’s appealing to you. Stop coffee and alcohol. Prioritize activities that are relaxing and/or energizing you. Walk. Relax. Don’t overthink, as thinking can not fix your issue.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

hacksoi 4y ago

You're not being challenged in a meaningful way. Find a more challenging job.

bribri 4y ago

Try waking up at as early and walking a few miles each morning. Has improved my mental health a ton. lifting is great but walking is so easy to get started and be consistent

nullandvoid 4y ago

I see you mention over indulging gaming. This provides one of the biggest dopamine hits, and if you're playing non stop everything else will be a bit dull (including the stuff you need to do in order to have a base happiness- exercise, eating well) Pasting in a previous comment I put on here (I have no affiliation) --- Purchase + install "cold turkey", you can set time blocks to play, or block months out entirely. I used to game all the time, I now block games for 2-3 months, have a good weekend blow out and repeat.

rationalfaith 4y ago

Sorry to hear this. Same situation with 100lbs of extra weight -.- Cut out video games and I seem to be doing better. But have so many more things to tackle including my health. I'd like to blame covid and the whole wfh crap which has made a lot of ppl colder than usual (at least that's my impression). I'm still grateful for my beautiful family and having a job but man is it a struggle.

mrj 4y ago

These things happen. As I have gotten older, one of the most important things I have learned is that productivity is not a straight line. It's waves for me. Sometimes I'll be very interested and do great work, other days.. I should spend some time managing Jira or something. Don't beat yourself up. You're not a machine. Address the things that are bringing you down by finding better replacements. Take time to form habits you prefer and let the rest sort itself out. Try to work towards small daily goals.

mfashby 4y ago

> Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety that I have not felt for years. This is the core problem in Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, probably a bunch of other books too. It's an unfair fight: you vs the behemoth companies that produce the addictive feeds. Worth a read IMO

_3u10 4y ago

Pay someone to clean your apartment. Fix your relationship or end it. Decide you’re just never doing whatever you are procrastinating about. Let them know you’re not doing it. Take a vacation. Do nothing.

profstasiak 4y ago

stop eating processed food especially ultra processed food. It cleared my brain fog

PKop 4y ago

Lift weights and get sunlight and vitamin D, which will boost energy and testosterone, and thus motivation. If you're not doing the physical/health necessities as a baseline foundation, nothing else will work. Start there. Good books to motivate drive for masculine purpose, including prioritizing the body instead of modern tendency to a sedentary isolation of the mind apart from the body: Bronze Age Mindset by Bronze Age Pervert https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-mindset https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-m... Sun and Steel by Yukio Mishima https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel Goodluck

aronowb14 4y ago

Therapy worked wonders for me. Therapists are trained to help and give you custom things to do based on what you need. I found one that gave me a lot of structured “assignments” and questions to ask myself and I’ve never felt better than I do now.

darksofa 4y ago

You need to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment. You are showing symptoms of depression. If you have depression, you can't get out of it by yourself -- you will need help. Fortunately, there are professionals standing by who have dedicated their lives to helping people just like you. There can be biological causes for low mood and energy. I'll mention two. The first is hypothyroidism (low thyroid). This comes on insidiously, with lower and lower levels over a span of years. Your energy gets lower and lower, slowly over time. Thyroid hormone is needed by every cell in your body to produce energy. Can be diagnosed with the TSH blood test (if above 3, suspect hypothyroidism). The second is low testosterone, which can also be diagnosed with blood tests. It also develops insidiously. Testosterone has a powerful effect on the brain. A hundred years ago, testosterone was used as a therapy for depression (it worked). Go see a doctor. You can't get out of it by yourself.

dubeye 4y ago

I felt much the same before my kid was born. I would concentrate on enjoying what time you have left as a free man to tick off any bucket lists that might be tricky being tied to your kids post code.

andrewallbright 4y ago
Any advice for others going through this phase of their life? I have a terrible feeling this will be me; when I think of having a child I do think about it as if I will only be living for someone else (which is fine) but I have ambitions I want to materialize. How has living a post child life given you more insight into your pre child thoughts?
- agent008t 4y ago
  Why have a child? It is completely optional.

jdeaton 4y ago

I've been in ruts before. Something helpful which has gotten me to the other side of the most recent one is telling myself repeatedly "I'm just in a bad time". The last word (i.e. "time") is really key here. It's imposing a temporal structure of transience on the situation. In this way, I can conceptualize the "end" of the "bad time" as sone (unknown) future point in time which is inevitably approaching, even though I'm not sure when it will be. The notion of a "rut", by contrast, imposes a physical structure on the concept (think is a person who is literally stuck in a ditch in the ground) which doesn't lend itself to your thinking of it as "inevitable" for you to ever get out of it.

yboris 4y ago

Sorry if a bit too-much off-topic, but could we all agree as a society that 4DWW (Four Day Work Week) would do wonders to address some of the issues in this post? My best wishes to you specifically. I am curious if you think a week or few-week vacation would give you time to address some challenges you otherwise can't find time for?

orzig 4y ago

There is so much complexity here but I do not know where to start but I just want to throw in that the first few months of parenthood are supposed to be difficult and zombie like so don’t get down on yourself if you make some progress in the next few months, then regress. Things get better after the first year and maybe sooner

skee8383 4y ago

beebmam 4y ago

Talk to a therapist. It will do you far better than getting advice from strangers.

ProjectArcturis 4y ago

Don't worry about it. Once you become a father your entire life will be turned upside down.

kyleyeats 4y ago

Email me (email in profile). I'm a philosopher working on emotional issues in tech. I can give you advice that works for you.

HakuG 4y ago

Man, I could've written this post a few years ago. I want to commend you for being so brave to ask for help, that's incredibly hard as a step one. Here's my advice from my personal struggles, maybe it resonates: You need a North Star, something that helps drive the decisions you make. I found my North Star by realizing that similar to how I had my father's tendencies, my kid would have mine. I didn't want my impression on my kid to be my depression and lack of enjoyment for my life, which meant getting up, exercising, being compassionate, and doing what I loved. Waking up every day saying "Let's be a better father for little HakuG" is all I needed. I don't even have a kid yet, but it still drives a large majority of my decisions.

_huayra_ 4y ago

Make good decisions when you're feeling well that make bad decisions when you're feeling impulsive harder. Example: buy only good food / no alcohol / etc when you shop; when those emotions well up that typically trigger going towards the bad thing to consume, it just doesn't exist. It's amazing how NOT hungry one actually is when you actually would have to do so much as microwave something! Show up daily, even in a small way. BJ Fogg's Tiny Habits stuff goes over this exhaustively, but basically it's better to go to the gym to do 1 minute of exercise than to not go at all, as it's more about building your identity than doing the actual thing effectively. You should consider changing your relationship with your regret, so you can use it as this "pointy stick to motivate yourself" instead of this dull, directionless pain that pervades your life. This book is great [0]. Ask yourself "would I regret NOT doing this?" often. Would you regret not looking at this Orange Website, even if you feel the urge? Keep looking at your life through this lens to understand what you'll regret, and steer your ship accordingly. [0] https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/ https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/

throwaway378037 4y ago

I could have written all of this myself except for the father part. I feel ya.

ChrisMarshallNY 4y ago

> In February, I’ll become a father If nothing else, this will force you to get out of the rut. It might give you a new one, but it will get you out of the one you're in, now. Congratulations!

John23832 4y ago

Whew this was a word. Describe what your rut is. Itemize it. Deeply. Then pick one thing. It can be the smallest thing on the list. And fix it for one day. Keep fixing it for a week, then pick the next thing on the list and fix that too. Keep steady for a week, add another. Improvements in life VERY RARELY happen all at once. Start small.

ohiovr 4y ago

If you have a job, count that as a blessing. The internet has made most of us materialists and carnal. It sure did that to me. I recently sold my powerful desktop and traded my monitor for a few hundred bucks and I've been left with a bunch of cables that I no longer need nor wish sell. So I'm just going to hand them to Goodwill. I have been cleaning my whole apartment from wall to wall now for the last week and a half. I will be 100% done tomorrow. My apartment did not show evidence of life in it for years because I was too concentrated on my monitor screen. Life and the days rolled by seemingly I was barely in it to make any difference. I finally got a job that I like that is not tech oriented and now I spend most of my time standing and although my feet hurt I feel stronger now because of it. I had a lot of high hopes with some work that I was doing but I was not thinking clearly to see it was really just a hobby that can't have legs. The process of liquidation takes a certain threshold. When you start to notice it is already a little late. I took out 7 contractor sized bags of laundry and did the wash on anything made of fabric. I then took my wardrobe and started tossing stuff I didn't like or donating the better parts that didn't fit to the thrift. I replaced all my tshirts with polo to match my new employer dress code. Each shirt only cost $4 to replace from the salvation army (new ones would cost at least 4 times as much). I got smaller pants that now fit mostly without a belt though I still have wear one. I spent about $150 of my new money for things like pillows and bedding and throw pillows and some GFS food. I did some fun entertaining in my now clean apartment today. I made gyros from a kit I bought and made a salad for my brother. After that I toasted some marshmallows on the range and made smores in the oven. I have found that food pleases more than music if you know how to do either. I've got plans to do some more entertaining now that I can do it. I didn't think of that when I started but now it seems doable. The more face time I have the better I feel. I think the Lord is behind us for downsizing. We really don't need a lot of the stuff we've acquired.

hizxy 4y ago

It’s just life. The ups and downs. There is nothing wrong with you. You are aware of the situation (better than most people) so you just need to change one thing at a time. Literally doing something that you were putting off for 10 minutes is a start. —— Disclaimer: Depression is real and multifaceted. Some seek medical help. Some get over it on their own.

ttul 4y ago

Definitely go see a doctor. You’re describing aspects of general anxiety disorder, ADHD, and major depressive disorder. You need to talk to someone trained to diagnose what could be going on so that you can receive an evidence-based treatment that might just work.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

uptownfunk 4y ago

I think the nice thing is you’ve already taken the first step: 1) understand what is truly meaningful to you In other words, on your death bed, did you do what you wanted to do? Once you’ve figured that out, then you can start orienting your life towards those things. Start with one small atomic change per week. If you keep that up, imagine how great your life will be. Vs if not, where will you go to? You have a son, so that motivation is there. Kids will test your patience, and patience defines parenting, just like commitment defines a relationship. So you need to be at your best. Changing your life for the better is one of the hardest things you can do, so start small, give yourself time, and celebrate each win. I think in no time you can be ready to be feeling amazing and ready to be an amazing parent.

cnagesh 4y ago

A colleague of mine expressed he is in depression to manager, he told that he cannot do anything and asked to take time off. I'm in similar situation, was very physically fit but was injured in gym (tfcc tear) now I'm still recovering lost the urge to even getup from the bed. I feel like I'm slipping in depression, but I'm fighting for it. So I have decided to get a complete blood test done. Getup early in the morning and start working out. But I still need to drive enough motivation to spend quality time on the work and get my professional/hobby done. Most of the time I will slip into watching videos on YouTube. Tried pomodoro technique, but didn't succeed, don't know where I will endup with all this. Hope one day I will reach best of myself.