8 ms·

Can you elaborate on the last point? As someone going through a very hard time with my wife at the moment I’d love any words of wisdom.

by frikskit 10mo ago

treis 10mo ago
I'd hit up a solo therapist. I went through a hard time with my wife and turns out she just sucks. Be warned that she sucked a lot worse in the divorce and states differ wildly in how biased they are against fathers if you have kids. It was helpful to figure out some of my stuff and deal with a bunch of trauma.
- Cthulhu_ 10mo ago
  Or else books / online communities. I can't recommend using ChatGPT for this kind of help but it can be used to validate your experiences, provide a different experience, and if you ask it, point you in the right direction. For example, if you explain it (or Reddit) an interpersonal situation it can break it down and e.g. point out certain behaviours or boundary crossings. But I would be careful, as these chatbots will by default put you in the right, even when you aren't.
  - lazide 10mo ago
    Even therapists are a mixed bag - and some are legitimately dangerous - but in my experience at least 100x safer than a chatbot or just books. If for no other reason than a chatbot can’t call you out on your bullshit, because it has no hope of telling what is or is not bullshit. And that is key. And has no actual feelings, remorse, license to lose, etc. etc.
    - cies 10mo ago
      etc. etc. responsibility. may also be lacking in therapist. is certainly lacking in LLM
    - ToucanLoucan 10mo ago
      I found a chatbot helpful when I explicitly requested it, in detail, to argue the other person's side with me. I basically approached it as "I want advice on this particular conflict," I explained who the other party was, I explained my best summary of the situation as a whole, and I went back and forth. I found it cathartic because I could basically argue with that person about it, without asking that person to do emotional labor or be subjected to my criticisms of where I felt they were wrong. Ultimately I landed on several points I did eventually go to that person with, I dropped several others that the chatbot pointed out weren't really something it was fair to criticize them for, and I think our friendship is overall better for it. I don't think there was anything revolutionary there, it's basically journaling with an LLM, but it was more efficient if nothing else. Edit: I would also caveat that I've attended a lot of therapy, individual and couples, so numerous concepts that some people may not know, things like emotional labor, boundaries, healthy communication, etc. are already very familiar concepts to me. So, I wouldn't recommend a chatbot as a FIRST stop? But if you've attended a lot of therapy and already know a fair bit about how your own feelings work, I think it can help, as long as you explicitly request that it doesn't just glaze you continuously.
    - mattbettinson 10mo ago
      Yeah I like LLMs to dump feelings/stuff and explore different angles of viewing it. It’s like CBT by tons of angles of attack
- dr-detroit 10mo ago
  [dead]
- butlike 10mo ago
  Glad you got through it. Or, if you're going through it, glad the worst of the days are behind you. Congratulations.
  - treis 10mo ago
    Thanks unfortunately neither of those are the case. Things are quite bad (haven't spoken with the kid since Christmas) and probably have not yet hit the nadir.
ed4bb9fb7c 10mo ago
Sorry I don’t know your circumstances but “Walking on Eggshells” by Langford has literally saved me. The only wisdom I can offer: other people emotions don’t have to control yours (despite what they tell you). The best take on this that I know: be like a goose - they don’t get wet, just shake it off. And take care of yourself!
- circlefavshape 10mo ago
  A novel? You sure you're talking about the right book?
  - gmassman 10mo ago
    Fiction can reveal a lot of real wisdom if you’re open to receiving it.
  - ed4bb9fb7c 10mo ago
    I made a mistake. Stop Walking On Eggshells by Mason & Kreger is the one I meant.
- thisislife2 10mo ago
  I recommend the book The Road Less Travelled - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/254865.The_Road_Less_Travelled https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/254865.The_Road_Less_Tra... ... It's an easy read with a mix of psychology and traditional wisdom that still holds much relevance.
- ed4bb9fb7c 10mo ago
  Not sure where I was looking. Sibling comments are right. The correct title is “Stop walking on eggshells” by mason & kreger.
baq 10mo ago
[flagged]
- lotsofpulp 10mo ago
  > Please note this is n=1. Then why use the plural terms “women” and “they”?
  - IAmBroom 10mo ago
    Because: bigotry.
- sillysaurusx 10mo ago
  That’s not a woman thing, that’s a person thing. Your advice is good but it would equally apply to me, and I’m a man.
sillysaurusx 10mo ago
I’m going to go against the grain here. The parent’s advice is toxic and mistaken. It’s a road to codependency. I’ve been with my wife 20 years, married 15. I would have said the same thing they said — I can’t do it all on my own, I need someone else. Rubbish. And also dangerous rubbish. I’ve been weak for a long time simply because I hadn’t taken myself seriosuly. I literally believed that I couldn’t do it alone, which was wrong. It was unfair to my wife to use her as an emotional support when she didn’t want to be. She’s been there for me a lot over the years. But when you tell someone that you can’t do it without them, it’s no longer their decision, and that’s unfair. Both to her and to me. Please read Codependent No More, and especially Lost in the Shuffle by Subby. (I’ve identified a lot more with the latter.) The point is, it’s okay to be having a rough time with your wife. Let go. Let her do her own thing. Stop caring so much. It’s okay for her to be upset and not want to help/have sex/go to an event/involve you/whatever the problem may be. The reason it feels rough is because you personally let it feel rough. Once I adopted that mindset, it became so much easier. And ironically my marriage improved. Meds are also important. Make sure you’re on a good dosage of antidepressants if you need them, and a mood stabilizer. I recently started Latuda and dropped Seroquel per my psychiatrist, and it’s been night and day. Lastly, keep trying to talk to people about your problems. I ended up reaching out to a random person on Twitter. They were kind and to my surprise happy to listen. It was one of the main reasons I was able to get through it all. The best person to talk to is a therapist, though I’d be happy to listen till you can find one. You’re strong. You need to believe that. And you’re strong independently of your family or anyone else. Give yourself credit for getting as far as you have; that part has been important too.
- KittenInABox 10mo ago
  There is a huge difference between acknowledging that humans are an inherently social species that usually needs comfort and psychologically benefits from an intimate relationship and straight up codependency, where you violate the boundaries of each other and thereby take away psychological safety.
  - sillysaurusx 10mo ago
    I agree! The point is, don’t use your wife for your comfort and psychology benefits. Use the other people in your life. Especially when you’re having marital problems.
slfnflctd 10mo ago
I have had many difficult times with my current S.O. over 15+ years. Everyone's situation is different, but I can say that in even a semi-healthy relationship, time heals many wounds, greater mutual understanding grows, hard edges can soften and people will often surprise you. You can also learn things you could improve about yourself which you were previously blind to. The sense of stability this reinforces is immensely helpful. On the other hand, I also have an ex-- and while I wish I would have ended that differently in hindsight, it did need to end for my mental health to improve. If you are with someone who abuses you, cannot be reasoned with and never admits fault, it is wise to plan several exit strategies.
catlikesshrimp 10mo ago
Every person is different. Some people don't need a stable relation, some people *can't have* a stable relation, some people thrive with it. Every relation is different. A successful relation is built when both side are compatible. What does compatible mean, though? Some relations are swingers. Some relations follow strict religious rules. Some people need taking a beating, and I don't mean an erotic one. In None of this cases I am meaning they are codependent, and then there are successful codependent relations. The only constant I have seen is that every successful relation has discussions, fights, momments when they considered separating. And there is compromise, in every case. I am sorry I don't have any specific advice. Good luck
thisislife2 10mo ago
Consider posting on https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/ https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/ . Note however that they don't allow posts about identifying problems - e.g. Why am I having a hard time with my wife?. Rather, you are expected to know what is your specific problem and seek solution to that. Don't go to Reddit - the standard advice there will be "your wife / husband is a toxic partner, run and get a divorce".

Can you elaborate on the last point? As someone going through a very hard time with my wife at the moment I’d love any words of wisdom.

treis 10mo ago

I'd hit up a solo therapist. I went through a hard time with my wife and turns out she just sucks. Be warned that she sucked a lot worse in the divorce and states differ wildly in how biased they are against fathers if you have kids. It was helpful to figure out some of my stuff and deal with a bunch of trauma.

Cthulhu_ 10mo ago
Or else books / online communities. I can't recommend using ChatGPT for this kind of help but it can be used to validate your experiences, provide a different experience, and if you ask it, point you in the right direction. For example, if you explain it (or Reddit) an interpersonal situation it can break it down and e.g. point out certain behaviours or boundary crossings. But I would be careful, as these chatbots will by default put you in the right, even when you aren't.
- lazide 10mo ago
  Even therapists are a mixed bag - and some are legitimately dangerous - but in my experience at least 100x safer than a chatbot or just books. If for no other reason than a chatbot can’t call you out on your bullshit, because it has no hope of telling what is or is not bullshit. And that is key. And has no actual feelings, remorse, license to lose, etc. etc.
  - cies 10mo ago
    etc. etc. responsibility. may also be lacking in therapist. is certainly lacking in LLM
  - ToucanLoucan 10mo ago
    I found a chatbot helpful when I explicitly requested it, in detail, to argue the other person's side with me. I basically approached it as "I want advice on this particular conflict," I explained who the other party was, I explained my best summary of the situation as a whole, and I went back and forth. I found it cathartic because I could basically argue with that person about it, without asking that person to do emotional labor or be subjected to my criticisms of where I felt they were wrong. Ultimately I landed on several points I did eventually go to that person with, I dropped several others that the chatbot pointed out weren't really something it was fair to criticize them for, and I think our friendship is overall better for it. I don't think there was anything revolutionary there, it's basically journaling with an LLM, but it was more efficient if nothing else. Edit: I would also caveat that I've attended a lot of therapy, individual and couples, so numerous concepts that some people may not know, things like emotional labor, boundaries, healthy communication, etc. are already very familiar concepts to me. So, I wouldn't recommend a chatbot as a FIRST stop? But if you've attended a lot of therapy and already know a fair bit about how your own feelings work, I think it can help, as long as you explicitly request that it doesn't just glaze you continuously.
  - mattbettinson 10mo ago
    Yeah I like LLMs to dump feelings/stuff and explore different angles of viewing it. It’s like CBT by tons of angles of attack
dr-detroit 10mo ago
[dead]
butlike 10mo ago
Glad you got through it. Or, if you're going through it, glad the worst of the days are behind you. Congratulations.
- treis 10mo ago
  Thanks unfortunately neither of those are the case. Things are quite bad (haven't spoken with the kid since Christmas) and probably have not yet hit the nadir.

ed4bb9fb7c 10mo ago

Sorry I don’t know your circumstances but “Walking on Eggshells” by Langford has literally saved me. The only wisdom I can offer: other people emotions don’t have to control yours (despite what they tell you). The best take on this that I know: be like a goose - they don’t get wet, just shake it off. And take care of yourself!

circlefavshape 10mo ago
A novel? You sure you're talking about the right book?
- gmassman 10mo ago
  Fiction can reveal a lot of real wisdom if you’re open to receiving it.
- ed4bb9fb7c 10mo ago
  I made a mistake. Stop Walking On Eggshells by Mason & Kreger is the one I meant.
thisislife2 10mo ago
I recommend the book The Road Less Travelled - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/254865.The_Road_Less_Travelled https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/254865.The_Road_Less_Tra... ... It's an easy read with a mix of psychology and traditional wisdom that still holds much relevance.
ed4bb9fb7c 10mo ago
Not sure where I was looking. Sibling comments are right. The correct title is “Stop walking on eggshells” by mason & kreger.

baq 10mo ago

[flagged]

lotsofpulp 10mo ago
> Please note this is n=1. Then why use the plural terms “women” and “they”?
- IAmBroom 10mo ago
  Because: bigotry.
sillysaurusx 10mo ago
That’s not a woman thing, that’s a person thing. Your advice is good but it would equally apply to me, and I’m a man.

sillysaurusx 10mo ago

I’m going to go against the grain here. The parent’s advice is toxic and mistaken. It’s a road to codependency. I’ve been with my wife 20 years, married 15. I would have said the same thing they said — I can’t do it all on my own, I need someone else. Rubbish. And also dangerous rubbish. I’ve been weak for a long time simply because I hadn’t taken myself seriosuly. I literally believed that I couldn’t do it alone, which was wrong. It was unfair to my wife to use her as an emotional support when she didn’t want to be. She’s been there for me a lot over the years. But when you tell someone that you can’t do it without them, it’s no longer their decision, and that’s unfair. Both to her and to me. Please read Codependent No More, and especially Lost in the Shuffle by Subby. (I’ve identified a lot more with the latter.) The point is, it’s okay to be having a rough time with your wife. Let go. Let her do her own thing. Stop caring so much. It’s okay for her to be upset and not want to help/have sex/go to an event/involve you/whatever the problem may be. The reason it feels rough is because you personally let it feel rough. Once I adopted that mindset, it became so much easier. And ironically my marriage improved. Meds are also important. Make sure you’re on a good dosage of antidepressants if you need them, and a mood stabilizer. I recently started Latuda and dropped Seroquel per my psychiatrist, and it’s been night and day. Lastly, keep trying to talk to people about your problems. I ended up reaching out to a random person on Twitter. They were kind and to my surprise happy to listen. It was one of the main reasons I was able to get through it all. The best person to talk to is a therapist, though I’d be happy to listen till you can find one. You’re strong. You need to believe that. And you’re strong independently of your family or anyone else. Give yourself credit for getting as far as you have; that part has been important too.

KittenInABox 10mo ago
There is a huge difference between acknowledging that humans are an inherently social species that usually needs comfort and psychologically benefits from an intimate relationship and straight up codependency, where you violate the boundaries of each other and thereby take away psychological safety.
- sillysaurusx 10mo ago
  I agree! The point is, don’t use your wife for your comfort and psychology benefits. Use the other people in your life. Especially when you’re having marital problems.

slfnflctd 10mo ago

I have had many difficult times with my current S.O. over 15+ years. Everyone's situation is different, but I can say that in even a semi-healthy relationship, time heals many wounds, greater mutual understanding grows, hard edges can soften and people will often surprise you. You can also learn things you could improve about yourself which you were previously blind to. The sense of stability this reinforces is immensely helpful. On the other hand, I also have an ex-- and while I wish I would have ended that differently in hindsight, it did need to end for my mental health to improve. If you are with someone who abuses you, cannot be reasoned with and never admits fault, it is wise to plan several exit strategies.

catlikesshrimp 10mo ago

Every person is different. Some people don't need a stable relation, some people *can't have* a stable relation, some people thrive with it. Every relation is different. A successful relation is built when both side are compatible. What does compatible mean, though? Some relations are swingers. Some relations follow strict religious rules. Some people need taking a beating, and I don't mean an erotic one. In None of this cases I am meaning they are codependent, and then there are successful codependent relations. The only constant I have seen is that every successful relation has discussions, fights, momments when they considered separating. And there is compromise, in every case. I am sorry I don't have any specific advice. Good luck

thisislife2 10mo ago

Consider posting on https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/ https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/ . Note however that they don't allow posts about identifying problems - e.g. Why am I having a hard time with my wife?. Rather, you are expected to know what is your specific problem and seek solution to that. Don't go to Reddit - the standard advice there will be "your wife / husband is a toxic partner, run and get a divorce".