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> My goals for the end of 2027 are as follows: > Stop making stupid mistakes. I want to be able to finish a task fully without missing or skipping a step. On

• yoyohello13 2mo ago
  Yeah, HN is a terrible place to come for life advice. It's the blind leading the blind around here. It's even worse, because there are so many confidently wrong (and smart) people who will jump at the chance to write you a novel about how to fix yourself. This place should only be used for keeping tabs on new tech. For anything else, go touch grass/talk to people IRL.
• smallerize 2mo ago
  Reach out to... people?
  • gffrd 2mo ago
    Yes, people. Friends, coworkers, family.
    • johngoode 2mo ago
      I think a lot of people with mental health problems could attest that this is not always very effective, most often you exchange the reality you’ve been living in for some kind words and then inevitably the normalisation of your problem.
      • gffrd 2mo ago
        Sure. But there's always the chance—and not a small one!—that someone will have experience with mental health issues, know someone who has, of have an idea about how to help. Gotta start somewhere. And the best thing to do is to try lots of doors.
      • deleted 2mo ago
        [deleted]
• brightball 2mo ago
  [flagged]
  • hirvi74 2mo ago
    > Consider becoming more involved with a local church. Go to services, meet people, join a Bible study. That is contingent on actually believing in the religion, no? In my experiences, church attendees do not tend to take kindly to people attending with anterior motives. When I was in school, I attended a few churches to meet new people. They were rather apprehensive when they learned I did not believe in any of it and was just faking it all.
    • pfannkuchen 2mo ago
      Don’t tell them? I’m pretty sure quite a few people who bring children to church don’t literally believe in the stuff themselves and just think the social elements and the morality are good for their children. Were you trying to meet friends or trying to date though? If the latter I think it would feel a lot weirder. Also if it bothers you to lie by omission I think one could come up with an explanation that wasn’t simply “I’m faking” and is more along the lines of “my grandparents were Christian and I think we lost something culturally when a lot of people stopped doing this” or something like that, assuming those are true for you. God is a metaphor, etc etc.
      • hirvi74 2mo ago
        > Don’t tell them? As arrogantly and incorrectly once thought in my youth, these people are not stupid. In my experiences, some, not all, can kind of pickup on it. It's usually a corroboration of mounting little slip-ups. Perhaps I am not a talented actor. For example, I never grew up in any church systems, and the Christian bible is full of key characters and proper nouns. So, when I pronounced the name "Job" like a place of employment, it raised some eyebrows. How was I supposed to know lol? > Were you trying to meet friends or trying to date though? It depends on who I was interacting with. With the amount of testosterone pumping through my veins at the time, if I were interacting with an attractive female, you better believe I was trying to shoot my shot. Never caused any weirdness, but I absolutely agree it could. > assuming those are true for you Kind of. Half my family was nominally Christian, and the other half was persecuted and slaughtered by Christians. I do appreciate you trying to assist in this endeavor though. I think you have made some fair points. I just wish churches were not one of the few remaining institutions for one to get this sense of community.
• hirvi74 2mo ago
  As someone that is "neurodivergent," I agree. A lot of advice, especially surrounding executive dysfunction, could be boiled down into a single step -- step 1: do not have executive dysfunction. Now, I am not trying to say there is nothing anyone can do to improve themselves or their situation, but I do find a lot of advice falls short. Common advice is to set reminders, make lists, etc.. However, none of that is helpful when one has to remember to even create/check the reminders, lists, etc.. I notoriously create to-do lists only to never look at them ever again. Honestly, if I have learned anything in life, it is that I cannot be left to my own devices. I need lots of forced, external structure which makes me rather uncomfortable because I do not want to burden others with the responsibility of managing my disability.
  • thewebguyd 2mo ago
    > I need lots of forced, external structure Me as well, which is a really "fun" time when my specific blend of neurodivergence also causes me to immediately resent said authority and external structure and view it as removing my agency. What I've learned as I've gotten older is just how much of our struggle comes down to our social model of disability. A lot of these "symptoms" are only disorders because we've built such rigid, uncompromising systems for interacting with and participating in society. Modern psychology has a tendency to pathologize an individual's ability to conform to this rigidity instead of doing the hard work of promoting the building of flexible environments that are more accommodating of different ways of thinking and working. Instead, we work really hard to force a square peg into the round hole. Its incredibly isolating, tbh.
    • jrowen 2mo ago
      It's a lot harder to change the shape of the hole. But I do agree that there is too much emphasis on the pathology of it. I think therapy needs a major rebranding and it shouldn't be seen as something that we do to "fix" "broken" people. It should just be about more deeply understanding ourselves as individuals, and understanding the world around us (particularly other people), so that we may navigate it better. I saw a video of a comedian (a woman) doing crowd work, and kind of playfully bullying someone (a man), asking them about their therapy. I thought it was funny, but a lot of the comments were along the lines of "that's not cool, how dare you." But that audience member was at a comedy club, where comics do that kind of thing. Going to therapy isn't about collectively making sure the world babysits and coddles everyones needs. It's about giving you the tools to handle what you can't change.
• tibbar 2mo ago
  Yeah, it's really tempting to try to fundamentally change the way you interface with the world but it's rarely very sustainable. I've found that trying to change my social environment, and also build skills to make specific tasks easier, are more effective options.
• nvarsj 2mo ago
  This... I finally changed my life by talking to a psychiatrist after 40+ years of suffering and trying a myriad of things. Mental illnesses are real and need real treatment.
  • busymom0 2mo ago
    > talking to a psychiatrist Would you mind sharing what solutions they recommended for you to try? Also any meds?
    • nvarsj 2mo ago
      Yep - meds. Tried a bunch and duloxetine is making a massive difference for me. On them for 4 months so far. Also picked up therapy yet again but tbh I never found therapy to really solve things - it helps me understand myself better at a logical level but the underlying anxiety / depression (including suicidal ideation) has never really gone away until the meds. I'd say right now I'm feeling quite content with life, and even find myself feeling genuinely happy throughout the day about things. Which is something I haven't really experienced before. I still have some of those feelings of anxiety crop up but they fade away pretty fast. Depression is completely gone for the most part. I'm still trying to understand this new reality as I'm not used to it at all. But I think (with some caution still!) it's pretty great. I know anti depressants have a lot of bad press and I’ve even had therapists tell me it’s a crutch. So I’ve generally been hesitant to start them. But they work, not sure why they work, but they do for me at least and I’m glad I stuck with it to find the right one.
      • thisislife2 2mo ago
        Do you know what kind of talk therapy was offered to you?
        • nvarsj 2mo ago
          Psychotherapy. I've also done a lot of CBT in the past - but I found it didn't really solve my issues, just provides some temporary relief. I personally found going for a long walk to be better than CBT techniques.
• grvdrm 2mo ago
  Is help narrowly chemical here or is help in general? Someone else replied suggesting psychiatry - curious if that is what you meant.
• vitro 2mo ago
  Volunteer. Always had good experiences with it and made some nice memories and connections I would not have otherwise.
  • ramon156 2mo ago
    This is on my list! I do think that in my current environment I mostly hear what I have done wrong, and helping others would probably give a better outcome. I know that's a very objective way of looking at it, I mean ofcourse volunteering is a good thing! But I wasn't sure if I was mentally prepared for it. I will definitely reach out to one nearby place that I know of.
    • vitro 2mo ago
      Wish you all the best!
• ramon156 2mo ago
  That is re-assuring. Neurodivergence would explain a lot. For the time being, I am still in a state where I cannot get tested (for anyone that has experience with depression, the symptoms go hand in hand with ADD). I was not planning on opening HN, but it has actually helped me :) I do have to admit I first asked a chat bot what the overall tone was before I opened it up myself. Thank you very much, I needed to hear this.
  • jeremyjh 2mo ago
    Your description does sound like ADHD to me but even a diagnosis and treatment is only one part of what you’ll need. In addition to a therapist I think you really need a mentor to help you navigate the professional side of things. There are lots of shapes that can take but I would definitely prioritize it; if a lot of your stress and unhappiness is due to work there is a limit to what most types of traditional therapy can help with.
  • DrewADesign 2mo ago
    As an aside, as of the DSM-V, ADD is no longer used. It’s been combined with ADHD, which has split into 3 subtypes, which are inattentive (basically what used to be ADD,) impulsive (basically what used to be ADHD,) and Combined, which has some combination of traits from both. I’ve heard, but not confirmed, that depression is a comorbidity among 80% of people with ADHD. They neuropsychological testing with reaction times and very granular memory tests was quite interesting. If you get the chance to have someone deem it medically necessary, I recommend doing so.
• jrowen 2mo ago
  > HN comments are _NOT_ going to help debugging your mental state. Nice paradox you've created there. > People here have trouble agreeing on engineering, product and business practices they specialise in. They are _NOT_ going to guide you in the right direction on mental health topics. I don't know that that follows logically. Whatever people they might reach out to in the real world -- be they friends, relatives, therapists -- also actually disagree about things and don't have all the answers. HN comments come from the same general pool of people, who also potentially have experiences and insights a like-minded individual might find valuable. > You are not going to just build a better planning system one day. No but you may be able to over time, through trial and error, and connecting with others and hearing about their experiences. I don't think there's anything wrong or unhealthy about exploring it in this fashion and I don't understand your choice of tone. I do agree that setting a goal for the year of "not making stupid mistakes" is a (stupid?) mistake. It is more of a lifelong journey and process, of striving rather than achieving, and not setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.
  • sp1nningaway 2mo ago
    >> HN comments are _NOT_ going to help debugging your mental state. > Nice paradox you've created there. This is a "...and don't call me Shirley" level of logical interpretation of what they're saying. They are pointing out that "just try harder" is NOT going to work. This resonated with me as I spent my whole life telling myself some version of OP's "stop making stupid mistakes" daily, and then castigating myself when I continued to make those mistakes. Then I got a great therapist who helped me realize that I need to work with what I got and I'm SO much more productive and comfortable with myself now. That doesn't mean never getting better, and like smugglerFlynn I had a strong reaction to OP. He reminds me of myself, and I see him heading down a path that caused me a lot of pain.
    • cindyllm 2mo ago
      [dead]
    • jrowen 2mo ago
      It was a don't call me Shirley thing to say to begin with. I merely added on. I would dare to say that your interpretation of that vague FUD was largely a projection of your own experience. And I think you sharing that in a constructive and connective way was a lot more clear, empathetic and helpful than the original formulation.
• switchbak 2mo ago
  "HN comments are _NOT_ going to help debugging your mental state" ... I mean in aggregate, sure. But of course there could be people that are offering useful advice, in a well meaning way - that could actually help OP. You're being really negative here, and I think it's unwarranted.
  • shshsjsj 2mo ago
    [flagged]
    • switchbak 2mo ago
      It is when folks like you come around and vomit this kind of thing.
      • madibo3156 2mo ago
        And just as quickly he was pulled back into the crab bucket.
• finnthehuman 2mo ago
  I can not agree harder. A rando that knows a little therapy language and has good intentions is dangerous. Turn and run.
  • jrowen 2mo ago
    The best thing you can do for yourself, at all junctures, is develop your own sense of truth. Listen to people, consider what they have to say, but ultimately decide for yourself. Don't place too much faith in any particular source or signifier or heuristic. The rando could have something useful to you, the expert could lead you astray.
  • jimnotgym 2mo ago
    The trouble is, in my experience, a lot of professional therapists are some rando who know a little therapy language. I had several therapists before one said, 'you appear to be showing signs of x, you need to talk to y'. They are supposed to 'signpost' you, but they have a short- term commercial incentive not to.
• budsniffer952 2mo ago
  What does neurodivergent mean? If there's a spectrum, what is considered normal, and how is that measured?
  • wafflemaker 2mo ago
    IANAD, Clinically, the measurement for diagnosis is if symptoms disturb your day to day life. In some countries they need to disturb multiple (1<) spheres of life. (Work, family, health etc.) Then you'd have people with symptoms, but who's life is not affected by them. I wonder myself if it's just the first group that is classified as neurodivergent or both.
• xlayn 2mo ago
  get your eyesight check, at some point in life I was having difficulties staying focus and even started having headaches... and I needed prescription glasses... Also very important, try to sleep the best you can and do exercise... I remember reading here about exercise in some cases exceeding the benefits of ADHD medications... If you are overdosing things... don't... caffeine can be overdosed and the effects are nasty and lingering... caffeine is meant to be a zero sum game, where it gets you speed in the morning and when it wears off then you go to sleep... if you over dose it then you are making your body over exert and at some point the body will communicate the results via extreme tiredness, bad humor, etc... Don't be hard on yourself, from everyone we are the most hard on ourselves when we should be the most kind of them all.
  • astrange 2mo ago
    > Also very important, try to sleep the best you can and do exercise... I remember reading here about exercise in some cases exceeding the benefits of ADHD medications... Exercise is very true. I used to take walks but it didn't help; pushing myself at the gym (inc using a trainer) is a lot more effective. Also, ADHD meds interact with sleep, both making it better and worse. I was on Intuniv 2mg and it absolutely ruined my sleep, but 1mg plus a sleep medication (25mg trazodone) are working very well.
    • annzabelle 2mo ago
      Definitely agree on exercise. I'm a temperamentally neurotic person and had ADHD diagnosed as a child. I no longer take ADHD medication, but I run 3-4 days a week and it makes my baseline tension and neuroticism much lower, and improves focus.
• wafflemaker 2mo ago
  OTOH, reading some wise comments on hn can help you get out of your biases. It was initially some hn comment that convinced me that ADHD is not lazy people's excuse, but an actual thing (even if overhyped on some hn alternatives -- social media). And that led to a diagnosis after some time.
• iwontberude 2mo ago
  Quick correction that HN are people too my friends
• weakfish 2mo ago
  I would highly recommend the book "Four Thousand Weeks" by Oliver Burkeman. The main theme of it is that many of our anxieties stem from inability to accept our inherent limitations as humans, and that trying to come up with the perfect productivity system / planning / etc. are all coping mechanisms for that angst that only fuel it over time. As someone who has struggled greatly with these issues, it was an enlightening read. To loosely quote the book, shifting your perspective doesn't erase the anxiety, but makes it not quite so unbearable.