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How to Talk to People, According to Terry Gross
- state 8y agoThe simplicity of 'tell me about yourself' is brilliant. It's all too easy to say 'what do you do?' Which presumes that the other person actually wants to talk about their work. I've been trying to switch to 'tell me about yourself', but it's somehow harder than I thought.
- meken 8y agoI’m sorry, but being asked this question would make me feel incredibly awkward. It’s a bit too personal of a question to ask a complete stranger IMO. I would rather be asked something a little lighter/superficial that we can find common ground on and go from there.
- moesart 8y agoI would feel "put on the spot" if asked to tell you about myself. It's a good opening line for an interview but for general conversation...
- scarejunba 8y agoInteresting. I can't imagine that working at a dinner conversation. Starting with neutral guaranteed points of commonality are likely to be more successful in my experience (in observation and in practice). The neutral small-talk intros (travel-to-venue, number-of-people, weather) segueing rapidly to how-you-know-host, and then on to learning about the person without asking them to come up with a narrative usually does well in that setting. The key is to induce load on your conversational partner at the level that they are willing to accept and not to put a disproportionate load on them. "Tell me about yourself" is high load IMHO. They need to figure out what aspect of themselves they wish to represent. Then again, perhaps I inhabit different social circles from that of a top-flight radio host and things are different there. In an interview, I like "tell me about yourself" as a starter but not with passive listening for the most part.
- khazhoux 8y agoI've been trying the Terry Gross approach at dinner parties, and I can tell you it's usually pretty awkward. In fairness, I probably shouldn't start every interaction with "So what was it like collaborating with Philip Glass?"
- wenc 8y ago> The key is to induce load on your conversational partner at the level that they are willing to accept and not to put a disproportionate load on them. "Tell me about yourself" is high load IMHO. They need to figure out what aspect of themselves they wish to represent. This tracks with my experience as well. Many nerds and introverts (myself included) detest small talk and want to jump into deep conversation straight away. But life experience has taught me that guiding the conversation from shallow to deep produces a much better effect in most cases, even with other nerds and introverts. (except at conferences, where there is already a shared assumption of interest/knowledge)
- arkitaip 8y ago'Tell me about yourself' is trying way too hard and comes of as calculated.
- explainplease 8y agoIt seems very strange to me that inviting a respondent to essentially fill in a blank as desired would be considered "calculated" or "trying way too hard." It's essentially saying, "If you would like to share something about yourself, go ahead." If one were going to describe it negatively, it seems more like lazily not even trying to ask a thoughtful, relevant question. Bizarre.
- dorkwood 8y agoI agree with some of the other comments that “tell me about yourself” feels a little too direct and personal. I prefer something like “so what are you spending your time on these days?” It’s a question that can be answered with something work-related while not making the person feel that they’re defining themselves by their work. It also allows them to talk about their hobbies (or things like video games or Netflix) if they so choose.
- ironic_ali 8y agoSomething I've found works well over the years has been, "so, what do you like to do when your not working". I'm fairly introverted and it gets the conversation going well in every case so far.
- JumpCrisscross 8y ago> It's all too easy to say 'what do you do?' Interestingly, not everyone answers "tell me about yourself" with "what do you do." How someone parses the former can actually be more interesting than the answer itself. For example, some people answer with their family, their country of origin, their company (versus profession), their title (versus company), a description of their role, or–quite plainly–discomfort. (Crudely, I've noticed peoples' enjoyment with this question roughly correlates with their social competence, perceive social status and general curiosity about people. New Yorkers answer with a profession. Europeans, more frequently, with a town of origin. The oddest pattern I picked up on was in Montreal, where I kept getting a detailed description of what the person did or ate that day.) It's also fun watching yourself answer the question, particularly when your parsing varies given the company you're with or context you're in.
- vibrolax 8y agoI'm a recent anglophone immigrant to Québec, currently midway through my francisation program. We spend a huge amount of time learning to converse with others about our daily routine, meals, etc. I wondered if the emphasis on these subjects was simply because everyone eats, or if there was a deeper cultural reason.
- iamwil 8y agoI usually use "What projects have you been working on?" If there's nothing, then I ask "What have you been excited about recently?" I'm surprised by the pushback on HN. "Tell me about yourself" is a guiding principle, not a literal tactical prescription. "Those that are interested are interesting", as the saying goes.
- yboris 8y ago"What have you been excited about recently?" is really great! Asking people to share what they enjoy / experience they really liked is another opportunity for them to re-experience what they like. A absolutely love questions that allow me to re-live a moment from my vacation, or to share an idea that gets me excited!
- paulie_a 8y agoPersonally I think it is awful, it really puts the person on the spot and under pressure to come up with something interesting. It will basically lead to dead air while they think. Open ended questions are great but the answer should be in a second. That question is designed to for the person to subconsciously think the person asking is expecting something.
- yboris 8y agoWhat about chaining a few "or" questions after? If you ask, as you see the person's response - if their face isn't overcome with an expression of excitement, you could continue ... "or something interesting you've seen this year ... or any new place you've been ..." etc. It's hard to come up with a good one-question strategy that would fit all. As you know more about the person it gets easier to ask fitting questions. For example if they have a child, that's a whole basket of good things to ask - let them be proud about the kid's first steps / first year in school / etc.
- paulie_a 8y agoOr questions are equally bad because it boxes someone into a binary choice. And that form you gave is far too long and still fairly specific. It is kind of open ended. But open ended questions should be incredibly targeted yet give a lot of leeway. "Oh you lived in Chicago? How did you like it?". "have you been on any trips lately". You are dead on about dialing questions in after you get some responses though. But being incredibly vague and simple helps to open the conversation up. They have the ability to run any direction with the response. It works for personal relationships and professional interviews. Let the person talk and follow up from there.
- strait 8y ago'Tell me about yourself' is horrible advice for a real adult conversation. 'What do you do' is also bad. People prefer reflecting on what they like, how they feel, and what they want to do. No one wants to start defining, describing, or even alluding to their personal attributes, and no one really wants to hear about them.
- explainplease 8y agoAren't "reflecting on what they like, how they feel, and what they want to do" examples of "defining, describing, or even alluding to their personal attributes"?
- eigenstuff 8y agoSeriously. And how else are you supposed to navigate the conversation to those things with a complete stranger you just met? Be a mind reader and know those things about them and ask them explicitly? I don't understand why these questions are getting so much hate, for me they're just a starting point when I have no obvious one, and it's a great and easy way to get a general sense of what someone's all about. A getting the ball rolling kinda thing. And having used "so what do you do" as my default ice breaker for years now, I have always felt it put people at ease more than anything, especially people who seem kinda shy. It's open ended and they can go where they want with it. They gotta cool project they're working on they'd love to talk about? They can jump right to it for all I care, sounds good to me! Or maybe my southerner is just showing super hard in this thread, ha.
- explainplease 8y agoI seriously don't understand the majority reaction here, either. It's just a simple, friendly, open-ended question. If you don't want to answer it, who cares. It's amazing what some people feel offended by nowadays. I guess these people would rather others just ignore them, as if on a subway.
- tasuki 8y ago> It's all too easy to say 'what do you do?' Which presumes that the other person actually wants to talk about their work. Does it really? One can do other things than work.
- mandeepj 8y agoI think starting with a compliment or a conversation about anything related with your current location, would work better. Then, take it from there
- xivzgrev 8y agoYea i agree with others here. In my experience people dont do well with vague questions esp with strangers. If you were asked that you may feel intruded upon or surprised / not sure how to answer the question. Same reason this question causes so much stress for interviewees - how do you select the best points, in the right conciseness? You are wondering what the other person is interested in, and you dont know shit about them. This situation is even compounded because it’s unlikely you expect this question and you know even less about the person.
- travisjungroth 8y agoAlmost every single comment in here is critical of Terry Gross’s advice. I have to wonder, does anyone here have a 40 year career as an interviewer and millions of people tuning in to listen to them every week? In the face of uncomfortable advice it’s so easy to dig your heels in to your experience instead of thinking “maybe there’s something to learn here”.
- icebraining 8y agoBut that's the thing: "talking to people" and "interviewing them" are not the same thing. It's not even clear whether Gross is actually talking about party conversations and such, despite what the article says. Also, results are not all that matters; you can be a critic of the methods even if they bring the desired outcome.
- iamben 8y agoI'm not sure I entirely agree. I think it's a bit like saying "steak is not the same as a hamburger" - they're not, but they're both beef and both a good meal. I think if you define interviewing in the strictest sense, then sure. But personally I find this all pretty applicable. I do far better in conversation (with strangers) when I apply most of this. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was "nobody cares about you, but everyone loves speaking about themselves". If you can get someone to open up and _start_ talking, and you are genuinely curious without seemingly like you're looking for an opportunity to talk about yourself, in my experience that person goes away with a generally positive opinion of you. I suppose you could also argue that any conversation with someone new IS an interview - be it date, work, new friend. Ultimately you're checking as to whether you want a second encounter with that person, right?
- scarejunba 8y agoOut of curiosity, have you actually opened with "tell me about yourself"? I imagine most of us converse by trying to learn about the other person, but specifically that phrase?
- balibebas 8y agoNo doubt this will be the trending topic here in 3 hours. Digital communications are to communication as the trpewriter was to calligraphy.
- kh_hk 8y agoSo, tell me about yourself
- tbihl 8y agoYes, Terry Gross is giving advice to be uncomfortably familiar if you try this on someone you've never seen before. She gets to do that because interviewing her is a pretense; the interviewee knows her by reputation, and she knows them by their public persona. If you don't know the person, then yes, you have to ante up with small talk, let them warm up to you, and all the usual stuff. The point is that open-ended questions let other people drive the conversation, and it usually works better that way. Plus, you can't accidentally bring up an awkward topic if you don't choose one.
- albertgoeswoof 8y ago“Tell me about yourself” is not a question it’s an order/request. You can only say that if you have the upper hand already, ie. if the person wants you to know about them for some reason. It’s arrogant and belittling, unless you are in a position of power (like a famous interviewer). Even then it’s rude. Don’t say it unless you know the person a little already or are interviewing them and literally giving them a platform to tell the world about themselves.
- hliyan 8y agoI agree. You simply shouldn't ask this of an equal or someone whose relative social status you're currently unsure about.
- wavefunction 8y agoIt's of course a cultural thing rather than a single unifiying rule. In the South of the United States strangers strike up conversations and I can ask people about themselves without it being weird. In the North of the United States, I wouldn't bother unless I already knew someone well and if I know them well why am I asking them for? Wouldn't do it in Japan, Germany or Scandinavia; would do it many other countries.
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- ewjordan 8y agoI 100% disagree. Have had extremely interesting conversations out of essentially this question regardless of my status relative to the person I'm asking (plus or minus 3 levels in the management chain), except in the rare case that the person is so super shy that they can't come up with anything to say even with coaxing. People that don't give a shit about me are even more interesting when they answer. With a person who is higher status than you, they invariably have a life story that they are practiced at and enjoy telling, and know how to answer this question in a really satisfying and engaging manner because it's been asked so many times. That's the easy one, and pretty much no high level person will be upset if you ask. It's toughest with someone not used to answering this question, or someone who thinks of you as higher status - in those cases, you can't just say "tell me about you", you have to make them comfortable and coax them into getting excited to tell you about things they care about. That requires active attention and listening, and is not necessarily easy. Asking people to tell you about themselves is never rude, in any case. If your conception of "rude" includes that, then you're gonna have a rough time in all but the most wonky parts of business.
- tomohawk 8y ago1) only interview people you likely already agree with 2) smugly agree with them
- war1025 8y agoMy wife likes to joke that Terry Gross bases her interview candidates on how many "diversity" checkboxes she can get out of a single person.
- JohnStrangeII 8y agoThe best conversation starter: Just smile and laugh! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgnKXdKT-bo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgnKXdKT-bo
- johnchristopher 8y ago> “Tell me about yourself,” a.k.a the only icebreaker you’ll ever need Big no-no in some parts of the world (yes, even the Western americanized world). I remember an article on HN describing how the usual "So what do you do for a living ?" was very insensitive and an American woman had it hard striking a conversation with her husband's african dad (or something like that). As a European I find this opener extremely aggressive, even in a friendly setting. It's the first line used by HR in a job interview. Not a pleasant way to start up a conversation.
- yboris 8y agoThanks for the comment. "What do you do for a living?" is a question my wife dreads. She doesn't fit in a traditional "stay at home mom" (we don't have kids), nor does she have a job. She then has to figure out a way that is socially acceptable to justify what she does at the moment (art and self-education / self-improvement). This reminds me of the valuable reminder I got while studying to be a math teacher: many students don't have a mother or a father - so telling kids "have your mom sign this paper" would be insensitive. Similarly, assuming a person you're talking to has a partner of an opposite sex isn't very sensitive. I'm glad for this whole HN discussion!
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- eigenstuff 8y agoI have always just asked "so what do you do?" because I'm in my 20s in a college town so I always assume that many of the people I'll encounter at bars etc are students. Leaves it open ended: are you in school? Are you working? Both? Neither? Something in between? Secretly five groundhogs in a trench coat? And actually many times I've had people tell me in depth about their art/writing/music pursuits and only briefly mention their serving job or something, and honestly that's way more fun and interesting to talk about for both of us.
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- war1025 8y agoI find that a useful technique for cutting through the standard "small talk" polite answers is to ask several almost the same but slightly different questions. If people are interested in talking, they'll feel awkward responding with the same canned phrase several times, and give you some sort of hook to carry the conversation further.
- ackfoo 8y agoNext time someone says to me “Tell me about yourself...”, I’m going to say, “I really like Fresh Air with Terry Gross!”
- jhowell 8y agoIn my opinion, listening to her daily, Terry's interviews are different based on whether or not she likes, or appreciates the interviewee experience. This really stuck out to me during an interview with Jay Z.
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- neonate 8y agoI've been a fan of Terry Gross for years and have spent many hours enjoying her interviews, but I would not call what she does conversation. For me, conversation is a mutual thing in which two parties gradually share more of themselves. Terry's interviews are strictly one-way, and she always bristles when someone tries to make the conversation mutual. If you've listened much, you know how uncomfortable she gets when a guest asks her a question. That's just fine on the show, that's how it works, but one gets the sense that the interviewer role is her way of avoiding real connection. She's brilliant at it, and presumably it's secure for her, but there's no real relating going on, only a simulacrum. I feel like that is the secret tragedy behind the show and part of what makes it fascinating.