7 ms·

Newborn sleep patterns: A survival guide for the science-minded parent

91 points by gnocchi 10y ago

hprotagonist 10y ago
"Hey, remember undergrad? Yeah, it's that, but no thanksgiving break and there's always a problem set due in 3 hours. Have fun!"
- pavel_lishin 10y ago
  I don't know how y'all's undergrad experience was, but the worst, hardest day of college is at least ten times easier than an average day of having a baby.
  - kchoudhu 10y ago
    I'm taking a year out to stay at home with my new kid. I'm terrified -- my wife did most of the heavy lifting during the day while I worked last time 'round. She didn't have too many complimentary things to say about the experience.
    - rooster8 10y ago
      The terrified feeling... yes. We have three under two (twins and a singleton), and I felt that way both times. Especially right before the birth. Both times I was relieved to realize that things became more predictable and manageable than the worst-case scenario I had in my head. Every situation is different, but I sincerely hope yours is similarly manageable. If you struggle, keep your mind open to looking for and experimenting with small tweaks. I've discovered that details such as how tightly a nipple is on a bottle (keep it somewhat loose so air can exchange), or looking for signals like thrashing legs (gas? need to poop?) can make a huge difference. Treat it like debugging code, if that's a domain you are comfortable in. And may you feel no shame in reaching out for help. I've never understood humility in the way I do now, and I'm grateful that I do. I wish you the best!
      - kchoudhu 10y ago
        The one thing we learned with the first one is that it takes a tribe to deal with a newborn: I simply don't understand America's desire to go it alone with newborns. I've got a list of grandparents, siblings and other assorted people coming through and staying with us for the first six months after her arrival. After that, we're seriously considering splurging on a nanny... I like to think of it as an investment in my sanity.
        n_coats 10y ago
        My first child is three weeks old and I have a very similar support group in place. Yet even with all the help, I too, am strongly considering a nanny - I feel the thought alone is an indication that I've already lost my sanity haha
        marktangotango 10y ago
        We did not have support or family close by, I deeply regretted this, doing it all our selves has been really hard, and our kids don't know their grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. It's sad really.
        kchoudhu 10y ago
        It is never too late to get started on building relationships with grandparents, even if your kids are now a little older. My wife and I have resolved to devote a month of vacation every year to making sure that our kids get to see their grandparents for an extended period of time. The time spent doing this not only builds inter-generational ties but also seems to build up our parents' health: we have found that they perk up and snap out of old age haze when their grandchildren are around. In the long run, this can only be a good thing.
        s_kilk 10y ago
        Yeah, Our first is due in April, and this thought bums me out a bit. But we live in different countries, and moving home just isn't an option, so, shrug.
    - pavel_lishin 10y ago
      It's not scary - on a day-to-day it's just mostly deeply exhausting.
geff82 10y ago
We got so much advice on how we should handle the sleep of our baby daughter and we didn't follow any. The first weeks, she was sleeping close to 20 hours a day, which gradually became less. But she showed no real day-night pattern. Also when she was a few months old, we didn't put her to sleep at a fixed time, as it was advised, as we still had a socially active life and just took her everywhere we went. When she got about 9 months old, she suddenly began to want to sleep at 8:30pm and woke up at 7. We didn't pressure her, she just showed us that this is how she likes it and she still wants to sleep now that she is 13months old. So our opinion is: you can try many things, maybe you change something. But in the end, the kid regulates itself if you let it.
fbnlsr 10y ago
As a new parent myself (my son is two months old), what strikes me is how pretty much everyone has their opinion on how we should feed or make our baby sleep. Some say we should help him sleep in our arms, others say we shouldn't touch him when he's in his bed... Lately we've decided to put him in his bed and come reassure him if he wakes up, but each time we have to go comfort him we wait longer than the previous time. So we do 5 minutes, 10 min, 20 min, and so on... Usually he sleeps after the 20 minutes mark.
- dejv 10y ago
  In our case we just try a bit of everything and just try to see what is working and then stick to it. What worked for one baby is not always working for another. In my experience the most important thing is to find your routine and stick to it as much as possible.
- DanBC 10y ago
  For what it's worth: sleep is a learned habit. So if the infant learns to sleep in your arms it's harder for him/her to learn to sleep by themselves in a cot or bed. But, obviously, what works for you is what's important.
  - ashark 10y ago
    > For what it's worth: sleep is a learned habit. So if the infant learns to sleep in your arms it's harder for him/her to learn to sleep by themselves in a cot or bed. I consider this part of perhaps the most important rule of parenting: don't do (or stop doing ASAP) stuff you don't want to keep doing. Supplementary rule: expect friction any time you stop doing one of these things, and do your best to ignore said friction, or you'll backslide and never effect change, probably causing more total suffering (for all concerned) than if you'd just gone cold-turkey.
  - sparrish 10y ago
    As a father of 7, I agree. You have to train your children how and when to sleep or someone is going to be up once or twice every night for years to come.
ksdale 10y ago
We co-slept with each of our 3 kids when they were newborns (which is not recommended by American doctors but is very common throughout the world) and from talking with friends and family I think we got quite a bit more sleep than the average parent of a newborn, and a couple of our kids have not been particularly good sleepers. I would also add that I agree 100% with the comments about most advice not being particularly useful and also that sleep/nighttime strategy is dictated a lot by work schedule, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, and whether you co-sleep in addition to the differences in each baby.
- rsync 10y ago
  "We co-slept with each of our 3 kids when they were newborns (which is not recommended by American doctors but is very common throughout the world)" Remember: all of the statistics and scare stories about co-sleeping are related to alcohol or obesity. If you are neither drunk nor obese[1], you shouldn't think twice about co-sleeping. [1] Granted, this does rule out a significant portion of the US population ...
  - ksdale 10y ago
    Thanks for the info! We did a little research ourselves and the scariness didn't seem to outweigh the benefits of having the baby close enough to hear our breathing (which people say makes a difference in their self-regulation?) and my wife being able to breastfeed without getting out of bed (this is the big one).
  - brianwawok 10y ago
    I am almost certain that a both non-drunk and non-obese person has somewhere in the history of the world smashed their baby and slept through it. On the other hand, if you live your life out of 1 in a million fears, your life is not very awesome.
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
  - bunderbunder 10y ago
hawski 10y ago
My wife is pregnant with our first. I am receiving advice constantly, but will have to wait to see what will be effective. The most interesting advice for me is the Baby-led potty training [1]. If it will work it should probably make nights easier, because change of diapers would go away earlier. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby-led_potty_training https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby-led_potty_training
- zrail 10y ago
  Just went through this. The advice never stops. My best piece of advice (ha ha) is to ignore everyone and do what works for your family.
  - DanBC 10y ago
    Some advice is good. "Don't use homeopathic teething gels", for example.
    - zrail 10y ago
      Eh. At least they won't do anything actively harmful.
      - navbaker 10y ago
        Sure, if you don't count seizures as "actively harmful" [1] [1] http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/ucm523468.htm http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/uc...
      - DanBC 10y ago
        The claim is that homeopathic medication contains zero active ingredient, and so it can't harm you. But just about anyone can set up a factory making this stuff, and there's not much regulation, which means we have no idea what's really in there. Homeopathic teething gels are linked to possibly 10 deaths, and 400 children harmed. That's after the manufacturers were warned about incorrect dilution. http://arstechnica.com/science/2016/10/fda-homeopathic-teething-gels-may-have-killed-10-babies-sickened-400/ http://arstechnica.com/science/2016/10/fda-homeopathic-teeth... > Last month, the Food and Drug Administration warned parents to stop using homeopathic teething gels and tablets, which may have been improperly diluted. Yesterday the agency said it is investigating 10 infant deaths and more than 400 reports of seizures, fever, and vomiting that may be connected to the use of the teething treatments in the past six years.
samlittlewood 10y ago
Best advice we had was 'keep a diary/log' - started seeing the larger patterns that our fried brains were missing day to day.
samlittlewood 10y ago
For friends and family of newborns: Hold the advice unless it is asked for (and don't be offended if it is then ignored) Looking after the baby may not be what the new parents would prefer you to do. Offer to do chores - laundry, shopping, bins, cleaning etc. Don't be offended if they also take the opportunity to sleep. If you are giving presents - include something that is purely for the mum that is not related to motherhood - great book, fave. magazines, skin care makeup etc. as appropriate.
justintocci 10y ago
Nine children here. We were lucky and figured out our kids pretty early. If they act up at night it generally means they're over tired from not sleeping during the day. Worked with every kid for us. One bad night and the next day we doubled down on protecting the daytime nap. Solved it every time.

91 points by gnocchi 10y ago

"Hey, remember undergrad? Yeah, it's that, but no thanksgiving break and there's always a problem set due in 3 hours. Have fun!"

pavel_lishin 10y ago
I don't know how y'all's undergrad experience was, but the worst, hardest day of college is at least ten times easier than an average day of having a baby.
- kchoudhu 10y ago
  I'm taking a year out to stay at home with my new kid. I'm terrified -- my wife did most of the heavy lifting during the day while I worked last time 'round. She didn't have too many complimentary things to say about the experience.
  - rooster8 10y ago
    The terrified feeling... yes. We have three under two (twins and a singleton), and I felt that way both times. Especially right before the birth. Both times I was relieved to realize that things became more predictable and manageable than the worst-case scenario I had in my head. Every situation is different, but I sincerely hope yours is similarly manageable. If you struggle, keep your mind open to looking for and experimenting with small tweaks. I've discovered that details such as how tightly a nipple is on a bottle (keep it somewhat loose so air can exchange), or looking for signals like thrashing legs (gas? need to poop?) can make a huge difference. Treat it like debugging code, if that's a domain you are comfortable in. And may you feel no shame in reaching out for help. I've never understood humility in the way I do now, and I'm grateful that I do. I wish you the best!
    - kchoudhu 10y ago
      The one thing we learned with the first one is that it takes a tribe to deal with a newborn: I simply don't understand America's desire to go it alone with newborns. I've got a list of grandparents, siblings and other assorted people coming through and staying with us for the first six months after her arrival. After that, we're seriously considering splurging on a nanny... I like to think of it as an investment in my sanity.
      - n_coats 10y ago
        My first child is three weeks old and I have a very similar support group in place. Yet even with all the help, I too, am strongly considering a nanny - I feel the thought alone is an indication that I've already lost my sanity haha
        marktangotango 10y ago
        We did not have support or family close by, I deeply regretted this, doing it all our selves has been really hard, and our kids don't know their grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. It's sad really.
        kchoudhu 10y ago
        It is never too late to get started on building relationships with grandparents, even if your kids are now a little older. My wife and I have resolved to devote a month of vacation every year to making sure that our kids get to see their grandparents for an extended period of time. The time spent doing this not only builds inter-generational ties but also seems to build up our parents' health: we have found that they perk up and snap out of old age haze when their grandchildren are around. In the long run, this can only be a good thing.
        s_kilk 10y ago
        Yeah, Our first is due in April, and this thought bums me out a bit. But we live in different countries, and moving home just isn't an option, so, shrug.
  - pavel_lishin 10y ago
    It's not scary - on a day-to-day it's just mostly deeply exhausting.

geff82 10y ago

We got so much advice on how we should handle the sleep of our baby daughter and we didn't follow any. The first weeks, she was sleeping close to 20 hours a day, which gradually became less. But she showed no real day-night pattern. Also when she was a few months old, we didn't put her to sleep at a fixed time, as it was advised, as we still had a socially active life and just took her everywhere we went. When she got about 9 months old, she suddenly began to want to sleep at 8:30pm and woke up at 7. We didn't pressure her, she just showed us that this is how she likes it and she still wants to sleep now that she is 13months old. So our opinion is: you can try many things, maybe you change something. But in the end, the kid regulates itself if you let it.

fbnlsr 10y ago

As a new parent myself (my son is two months old), what strikes me is how pretty much everyone has their opinion on how we should feed or make our baby sleep. Some say we should help him sleep in our arms, others say we shouldn't touch him when he's in his bed... Lately we've decided to put him in his bed and come reassure him if he wakes up, but each time we have to go comfort him we wait longer than the previous time. So we do 5 minutes, 10 min, 20 min, and so on... Usually he sleeps after the 20 minutes mark.

dejv 10y ago
In our case we just try a bit of everything and just try to see what is working and then stick to it. What worked for one baby is not always working for another. In my experience the most important thing is to find your routine and stick to it as much as possible.
DanBC 10y ago
For what it's worth: sleep is a learned habit. So if the infant learns to sleep in your arms it's harder for him/her to learn to sleep by themselves in a cot or bed. But, obviously, what works for you is what's important.
- ashark 10y ago
  > For what it's worth: sleep is a learned habit. So if the infant learns to sleep in your arms it's harder for him/her to learn to sleep by themselves in a cot or bed. I consider this part of perhaps the most important rule of parenting: don't do (or stop doing ASAP) stuff you don't want to keep doing. Supplementary rule: expect friction any time you stop doing one of these things, and do your best to ignore said friction, or you'll backslide and never effect change, probably causing more total suffering (for all concerned) than if you'd just gone cold-turkey.
- sparrish 10y ago
  As a father of 7, I agree. You have to train your children how and when to sleep or someone is going to be up once or twice every night for years to come.

ksdale 10y ago

We co-slept with each of our 3 kids when they were newborns (which is not recommended by American doctors but is very common throughout the world) and from talking with friends and family I think we got quite a bit more sleep than the average parent of a newborn, and a couple of our kids have not been particularly good sleepers. I would also add that I agree 100% with the comments about most advice not being particularly useful and also that sleep/nighttime strategy is dictated a lot by work schedule, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, and whether you co-sleep in addition to the differences in each baby.

rsync 10y ago
"We co-slept with each of our 3 kids when they were newborns (which is not recommended by American doctors but is very common throughout the world)" Remember: all of the statistics and scare stories about co-sleeping are related to alcohol or obesity. If you are neither drunk nor obese[1], you shouldn't think twice about co-sleeping. [1] Granted, this does rule out a significant portion of the US population ...
- ksdale 10y ago
  Thanks for the info! We did a little research ourselves and the scariness didn't seem to outweigh the benefits of having the baby close enough to hear our breathing (which people say makes a difference in their self-regulation?) and my wife being able to breastfeed without getting out of bed (this is the big one).
- brianwawok 10y ago
  I am almost certain that a both non-drunk and non-obese person has somewhere in the history of the world smashed their baby and slept through it. On the other hand, if you live your life out of 1 in a million fears, your life is not very awesome.
  - deleted 10y ago
    [deleted]
- bunderbunder 10y ago

hawski 10y ago

My wife is pregnant with our first. I am receiving advice constantly, but will have to wait to see what will be effective. The most interesting advice for me is the Baby-led potty training [1]. If it will work it should probably make nights easier, because change of diapers would go away earlier. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby-led_potty_training https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby-led_potty_training

zrail 10y ago
Just went through this. The advice never stops. My best piece of advice (ha ha) is to ignore everyone and do what works for your family.
- DanBC 10y ago
  Some advice is good. "Don't use homeopathic teething gels", for example.
  - zrail 10y ago
    Eh. At least they won't do anything actively harmful.
    - navbaker 10y ago
      Sure, if you don't count seizures as "actively harmful" [1] [1] http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/ucm523468.htm http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/uc...
    - DanBC 10y ago
      The claim is that homeopathic medication contains zero active ingredient, and so it can't harm you. But just about anyone can set up a factory making this stuff, and there's not much regulation, which means we have no idea what's really in there. Homeopathic teething gels are linked to possibly 10 deaths, and 400 children harmed. That's after the manufacturers were warned about incorrect dilution. http://arstechnica.com/science/2016/10/fda-homeopathic-teething-gels-may-have-killed-10-babies-sickened-400/ http://arstechnica.com/science/2016/10/fda-homeopathic-teeth... > Last month, the Food and Drug Administration warned parents to stop using homeopathic teething gels and tablets, which may have been improperly diluted. Yesterday the agency said it is investigating 10 infant deaths and more than 400 reports of seizures, fever, and vomiting that may be connected to the use of the teething treatments in the past six years.

samlittlewood 10y ago

Best advice we had was 'keep a diary/log' - started seeing the larger patterns that our fried brains were missing day to day.

samlittlewood 10y ago

For friends and family of newborns: Hold the advice unless it is asked for (and don't be offended if it is then ignored) Looking after the baby may not be what the new parents would prefer you to do. Offer to do chores - laundry, shopping, bins, cleaning etc. Don't be offended if they also take the opportunity to sleep. If you are giving presents - include something that is purely for the mum that is not related to motherhood - great book, fave. magazines, skin care makeup etc. as appropriate.

justintocci 10y ago

Nine children here. We were lucky and figured out our kids pretty early. If they act up at night it generally means they're over tired from not sleeping during the day. Worked with every kid for us. One bad night and the next day we doubled down on protecting the daytime nap. Solved it every time.