7 ms·

My read on the book was "humans are really good at telling if you genuinely care about them or not and will respond well to that, so you should genuinely care a

by dweekly 5mo ago

My read on the book was "humans are really good at telling if you genuinely care about them or not and will respond well to that, so you should genuinely care about the people around you, and good things will result from that overall, especially if you're not super mercenary about it." Bill & Ted said it most pithily: be excellent to each other.

KingFelix 5mo ago
Great quote choice!
mabster 5mo ago
That's pretty close to "be like Keanu Reeves"!
calf 5mo ago
Then that's a fallacious argument on several levels, e.g. because as the reader I am also a human who can tell, and so on.
weregiraffe 5mo ago
How can you make yourself genuinely care about something you don't care about? It sounds as plausible as changing your own sexual orientation.
- splitstud 4mo ago
  [dead]
- iamben 5mo ago
  Maybe just me, but two things - 1. You don't care about X until you do. Like, you can go for years without worrying cholesterol. And then you can have a reason to care about it and all of a sudden you do. The reason can come from something that forces your hand or just because you take an interest in a subject. 2. Altruism. Think less about care and more just doing without expecting anything back. People notice, especially with selfless conversation.
- roenxi 5mo ago
  Not sure what the downvotes are for on this one. It depends a lot on what "genuine care" is supposed to mean. If you want to interpret that as a subconscious feeling then you're right. Feelings aren't normally controllable and calling them up on demand is pretty much impossible. That being said, if you go through a bit of game theory and apply it to the real world - the experience of the last few millennia of recorded history is the strategy most likely to get people what they want is lots of communication and setting up win-win deals for everyone. Someone who reliably offers win-win deals has a natural advantage over the more common person who thinks in terms of win-lose deals. Communities that make a habit of setting up win-win deals for their members have an overwhelming advantage over those that don't. If you tap in to that type of thinking it tends to translate into taking a real interest in how other people are going because it is easier to set win-win deals up if you know what their problems and goals are. And a sensible sub-strategy is making sure to be as kind as possible to everyone to get into the habit of thinking empathically and keep channels of communication as open as possible. So if "genuine care" means you literally feel something... nobody has much use for your feelings, we can't tell what your feelings are anyway and you probably can't call them up on demand. If "genuine care" means you try to figure out what other people want and then help them get it then that's simply good strategy and most people should find their way to it if they think about it for long enough. Some people have to think a bit harder than others and there are a few rare maniacs who really just want to cause pain and suffering. The maniacs are bad news.
- birdsongs 5mo ago
  For me, I find most things can be fascinating. There are so many domains I have zero personal, surface-level interest in, but have nuances that are super interesting. When someone else has that spark, and their eyes sparkle, and they beam as they talk about "their interest"? Idk, I love that. It makes me feel good to hear them. I feel like we both come away better for the conversation. I guess not everyone is like this?
- chollida1 4mo ago
  > How can you make yourself genuinely care about something you don't care about? It sounds as plausible as changing your own sexual orientation. Most people don't care about the gym but they care about their health and their health as they age so many learn to care about going to the gym even if they don't love every minute of their gym time. I'm one of those people.
- jmye 4mo ago
  I genuinely care about my friend. He's really into bee-keeping. I don't care at all about bees. But he cares about it, so I ask questions because I care about him. I have now learned enough about his bee-keeping to be legitimately interested in whether, say, his bees survived the winter or to be upset with him that an invading swarm killed them. The simple answer to your question, I think, is that you probably can't "make yourself" care about a specific thing at the drop of the hat. But if you care deeply about other things, especially tangential things, it's relatively easy to learn to care about new things you learn about.
  - throwaway2037 4mo ago
    Without doubting anything about your intent, I feel like I am the guy who shows interest in other people, but other people show very little interest in me. Frequently, I am listening to someone talk about someone they care about, and I attentively listen, and try to ask friendly, encouraging questions. At some point, my mind begins to think: "Can I just replace myself with a cardboard cut-out and will they keep talking about themselves?" Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I don't know what to do about it.
socalgal2 5mo ago
Serious question - what is your definition of "genuinely care"? The Carnegie example doesn't show "geninuely care" to me. It's nice, I think I should do it. Give people random but geninue complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. But, is that "genuinely care"? I ask because I'm bad at conversation. I hear this "genuinely care" and I just, usually, can't get myself to do it. I don't care. I would like to have a nice conversation and I try to care in the moment but the odds are pretty high that 5 minutes after it's over I'll not even know their name and move on with my life. That's not "genuine care" to me.
- Ntrails 4mo ago
  > Give people random but genuine complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. I'm worried it'll come off as creepy/weird so I never do. I've seen the power of other people doing it, but I cannot do it free from that worry so it's always gonna be off vOv
  - dweekly 4mo ago
    The only path to cool is through cringe. You can do it! I think a lot of people after a random compliment might be wondering if the other person is trying to get something out of them, like a date or a business deal. When it becomes clear that you're leaving it there with no expectation of reciprocation they can truly internalize the compliment.
- Melatonic 4mo ago
  Its not really about "genuinely caring" about the individual scenarios or things. Its about genuinely caring about the lives of other people and things which you may not have direct experience, aptitude, or a prexisting joy for.
- molszanski 4mo ago
  You can fully care about one person at a time. You can not genuinely care about every person on the planet every moment.
- 4mo ago

by dweekly 5mo ago

KingFelix 5mo ago

Great quote choice!

mabster 5mo ago

That's pretty close to "be like Keanu Reeves"!

calf 5mo ago

Then that's a fallacious argument on several levels, e.g. because as the reader I am also a human who can tell, and so on.

weregiraffe 5mo ago

How can you make yourself genuinely care about something you don't care about? It sounds as plausible as changing your own sexual orientation.

splitstud 4mo ago
[dead]
iamben 5mo ago
Maybe just me, but two things - 1. You don't care about X until you do. Like, you can go for years without worrying cholesterol. And then you can have a reason to care about it and all of a sudden you do. The reason can come from something that forces your hand or just because you take an interest in a subject. 2. Altruism. Think less about care and more just doing without expecting anything back. People notice, especially with selfless conversation.
roenxi 5mo ago
Not sure what the downvotes are for on this one. It depends a lot on what "genuine care" is supposed to mean. If you want to interpret that as a subconscious feeling then you're right. Feelings aren't normally controllable and calling them up on demand is pretty much impossible. That being said, if you go through a bit of game theory and apply it to the real world - the experience of the last few millennia of recorded history is the strategy most likely to get people what they want is lots of communication and setting up win-win deals for everyone. Someone who reliably offers win-win deals has a natural advantage over the more common person who thinks in terms of win-lose deals. Communities that make a habit of setting up win-win deals for their members have an overwhelming advantage over those that don't. If you tap in to that type of thinking it tends to translate into taking a real interest in how other people are going because it is easier to set win-win deals up if you know what their problems and goals are. And a sensible sub-strategy is making sure to be as kind as possible to everyone to get into the habit of thinking empathically and keep channels of communication as open as possible. So if "genuine care" means you literally feel something... nobody has much use for your feelings, we can't tell what your feelings are anyway and you probably can't call them up on demand. If "genuine care" means you try to figure out what other people want and then help them get it then that's simply good strategy and most people should find their way to it if they think about it for long enough. Some people have to think a bit harder than others and there are a few rare maniacs who really just want to cause pain and suffering. The maniacs are bad news.
birdsongs 5mo ago
For me, I find most things can be fascinating. There are so many domains I have zero personal, surface-level interest in, but have nuances that are super interesting. When someone else has that spark, and their eyes sparkle, and they beam as they talk about "their interest"? Idk, I love that. It makes me feel good to hear them. I feel like we both come away better for the conversation. I guess not everyone is like this?
chollida1 4mo ago
> How can you make yourself genuinely care about something you don't care about? It sounds as plausible as changing your own sexual orientation. Most people don't care about the gym but they care about their health and their health as they age so many learn to care about going to the gym even if they don't love every minute of their gym time. I'm one of those people.
jmye 4mo ago
I genuinely care about my friend. He's really into bee-keeping. I don't care at all about bees. But he cares about it, so I ask questions because I care about him. I have now learned enough about his bee-keeping to be legitimately interested in whether, say, his bees survived the winter or to be upset with him that an invading swarm killed them. The simple answer to your question, I think, is that you probably can't "make yourself" care about a specific thing at the drop of the hat. But if you care deeply about other things, especially tangential things, it's relatively easy to learn to care about new things you learn about.
- throwaway2037 4mo ago
  Without doubting anything about your intent, I feel like I am the guy who shows interest in other people, but other people show very little interest in me. Frequently, I am listening to someone talk about someone they care about, and I attentively listen, and try to ask friendly, encouraging questions. At some point, my mind begins to think: "Can I just replace myself with a cardboard cut-out and will they keep talking about themselves?" Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I don't know what to do about it.

socalgal2 5mo ago

Serious question - what is your definition of "genuinely care"? The Carnegie example doesn't show "geninuely care" to me. It's nice, I think I should do it. Give people random but geninue complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. But, is that "genuinely care"? I ask because I'm bad at conversation. I hear this "genuinely care" and I just, usually, can't get myself to do it. I don't care. I would like to have a nice conversation and I try to care in the moment but the odds are pretty high that 5 minutes after it's over I'll not even know their name and move on with my life. That's not "genuine care" to me.

Ntrails 4mo ago
> Give people random but genuine complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. I'm worried it'll come off as creepy/weird so I never do. I've seen the power of other people doing it, but I cannot do it free from that worry so it's always gonna be off vOv
- dweekly 4mo ago
  The only path to cool is through cringe. You can do it! I think a lot of people after a random compliment might be wondering if the other person is trying to get something out of them, like a date or a business deal. When it becomes clear that you're leaving it there with no expectation of reciprocation they can truly internalize the compliment.
Melatonic 4mo ago
Its not really about "genuinely caring" about the individual scenarios or things. Its about genuinely caring about the lives of other people and things which you may not have direct experience, aptitude, or a prexisting joy for.
molszanski 4mo ago
You can fully care about one person at a time. You can not genuinely care about every person on the planet every moment.
4mo ago