6 ms·

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time and willingness to invite someone out for _years_ while receicing no is very low. These friends need to be treasured and appreciated, and Anna needs to make an effort by saying yes sometimes, or at least expressing what she's going through. The friends are making an effort by keeping her in the group, she needs to do the same.

BeetleB 1y ago
My comment was not meant as a judgment on Anna, and if she's depressed, I would not put this kind of onus on her. I was merely pointing out that most people who don't respond or always say "no" are not like the Anna in this submission. If I know someone who is in similar shoes as Anna, then I have no problem continuing to invite.
dvsfish 1y ago
100% agree. You'd start to think "Anna doesn't like us" and just move on. Despite what they're going through, some level of responsibility falls on them to express a sense of "it's not you it's me", if they legitimately do want to remain part of the friend group. Not engaging with the friend group is effectively the same as not being a part of it. If the "pleasant feeling of being included in the group" is the entirety of your involvement, it's actually a somewhat selfish and shallow position after a while. That's not to say that the group has to ban her, but at a certain point there is no valid reason to engage with someone (in a group context) who doesn't engage back. If you have friends you think are depressed or have something else going on, by all means reach out, but thats not the same thing.
ryandrake 1y ago
I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold.
- the_snooze 1y ago
  Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.
  - ryandrake 1y ago
    Coincidentally, I just had a conversation with my wife about this. She likes doing girls-night with her friends, but she gets frustrated that nobody else prompts it. They always say yes, and they always have a good time, but she complains that it’s always her doing the inviting, and that it’s one-sided. To me, a relationship doesn’t need two people to maintain and keep it going: it only really needs one, so be that one person! I realize people are busy and have their own lives, but I still call, I still ask how they are, I still ask what they’ve been up to. Gestures like these are tiny, tiny investments that pay off in the form of a rich, robust social life. Nobody has ever told me stop reaching out, stop trying, but if they did, of course I would.
    - the_snooze 1y ago
      We're talking about different things here. In the linked article, Anna never accepts the invitation, nor does she propose alternatives. It's OK for someone to intiate contact more often than others, as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often (or picks up the phone or chats or responds positively). That's not the case with Anna, who repeatedly says "nah" in the face of consistent kindness and consideration.
      - walterbell 1y ago
        > as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often Per the article, the collegiate counterparty did accept other invitations: We ended up hanging out quite a bit during those early months. The social ritual in the article's title was specifically about party invitations: “Why do you keep inviting Anna out when she’ll just say no?” “I know she’s always going to say no, but that’s not the point. I invite her out so she’ll always feel included in the group.”
readthenotes1 1y ago
"invite someone out for _years_" In the story,it was only first semester, so at most mid August to mid December.

BeetleB 1y ago

My comment was not meant as a judgment on Anna, and if she's depressed, I would not put this kind of onus on her. I was merely pointing out that most people who don't respond or always say "no" are not like the Anna in this submission. If I know someone who is in similar shoes as Anna, then I have no problem continuing to invite.

dvsfish 1y ago

100% agree. You'd start to think "Anna doesn't like us" and just move on. Despite what they're going through, some level of responsibility falls on them to express a sense of "it's not you it's me", if they legitimately do want to remain part of the friend group. Not engaging with the friend group is effectively the same as not being a part of it. If the "pleasant feeling of being included in the group" is the entirety of your involvement, it's actually a somewhat selfish and shallow position after a while. That's not to say that the group has to ban her, but at a certain point there is no valid reason to engage with someone (in a group context) who doesn't engage back. If you have friends you think are depressed or have something else going on, by all means reach out, but thats not the same thing.

ryandrake 1y ago

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold.

the_snooze 1y ago
Extending an invitation is indeed a kindness. But repeatedly declining them signals that the invitations are unwelcome and unvalued. It's really that simple. Relationships aren't one-sided.
- ryandrake 1y ago
  Coincidentally, I just had a conversation with my wife about this. She likes doing girls-night with her friends, but she gets frustrated that nobody else prompts it. They always say yes, and they always have a good time, but she complains that it’s always her doing the inviting, and that it’s one-sided. To me, a relationship doesn’t need two people to maintain and keep it going: it only really needs one, so be that one person! I realize people are busy and have their own lives, but I still call, I still ask how they are, I still ask what they’ve been up to. Gestures like these are tiny, tiny investments that pay off in the form of a rich, robust social life. Nobody has ever told me stop reaching out, stop trying, but if they did, of course I would.
  - the_snooze 1y ago
    We're talking about different things here. In the linked article, Anna never accepts the invitation, nor does she propose alternatives. It's OK for someone to intiate contact more often than others, as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often (or picks up the phone or chats or responds positively). That's not the case with Anna, who repeatedly says "nah" in the face of consistent kindness and consideration.
    - walterbell 1y ago
      > as long as the counterparty actually accepts the invitation every so often Per the article, the collegiate counterparty did accept other invitations: We ended up hanging out quite a bit during those early months. The social ritual in the article's title was specifically about party invitations: “Why do you keep inviting Anna out when she’ll just say no?” “I know she’s always going to say no, but that’s not the point. I invite her out so she’ll always feel included in the group.”

readthenotes1 1y ago

"invite someone out for _years_" In the story,it was only first semester, so at most mid August to mid December.