8 ms·

What does connecting with someone mean?

88 points by bradwoodsio 1y ago

codeful 1y ago
Good article! Short and straigt to the point and it gave me an insigt. Check out his other writings in his blog
inezk 1y ago
Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and family connections and spending time together.
- ishita159 1y ago
  true, people are being polite mostly though.
- al_borland 1y ago
  I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly. The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that doesn’t help with establishing new connections. Even with people who are close, there is some expectation to keep things pleasant and not unload bad news on them, or seem like you’re bragging about good stuff, when asked how you are. This is why you’ll often see movies where someone asks, “how are you,” and then after the generic answer they follow it up with, “how are you really?” In other situations, especially with good stuff, people feel like they need to be invited to talk about something exciting in their life. If they have something fun planned for the weekend or did something fun last weekend, they’ll ask someone else what they did, hoping to get that same question back, so they can have an excuse to talk about what they did. No one ever really told me this and it took me longer than I’d like to admit to figure it out.
  - deleted 1y ago
    [deleted]
  - AnimalMuppet 1y ago
    When someone says "How are you", I sometimes say "Crummy, but thanks for asking." I'm not oversharing, but I'm also not giving them a shallow, dishonest reply. I'm leaving the door open for a deeper conversation, but I'm not forcing it. Then it's up to them whether we just move on, or whether a real conversation happens.
    - le-mark 1y ago
      “I didn’t die in my sleep last night so I’ve got that going for me” dark dry and true.
  - doublerabbit 1y ago
    I tend to use "how are you today on a scale of 10?" as an ice breaker. This then allows you to open the question, as well gives choice to the person. "Six is good, why a six?", "anything wrong, why a four? Et cetera
  - arcbyte 1y ago
    > I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” I've definitely experienced the same. However ive realized that invariably, the person answering honestly is wayyy happier in general than the person being critical. Learning to have the freedom to express yourself, invite connection, and let failed invitations go, is a superpower for a happy life.
  - grep_name 1y ago
    I've lived my whole life in the southeastern US, and the comments online about this always make me feel like an alien. Everyone here always seems to imply that it's meaningless because "You have to say 'good', and if you don't say that people get upset," but I've just never once had that experience. I almost never say 'good' in response to that question, even to a coworker I don't know well. In my friend groups, usually people will be straightforward about how they're doing as well. Maybe people don't know how to say 'bad' without following up with a story? It's easy once you start doing it. "Not great, but it's fine" or "I'm just keeping along / taking it day by day" is a fairly common response to get from me, especially lately, and it's always honest. Sometimes I will just say "TBH this week completely sucks for me" before continuing with what the conversation was about originally. If things are going well I will be effusive in my (still short) response ("I'm doing awesome actually"). And I do care about how the other person is doing when they respond. I've even gone so far as to ask, after finding out about bad news later in the conversation, "Damn, why'd you say you were doing well?". I find it to be a deeply useful way to start a conversation. If you ask how I'm doing and you don't know me well, and I say something to imply I'm not having a good day, it completely changes the way the conversation should be conducted. Same goes for the other person's response. You always start every conversation on the same page ('how impatient / stressed is the other person right now?' is one of the most important pieces of context you can have). Over time, I've even found that it has the benefit of making me reflect on a regular basis on how I feel in the moment vs how I'm actually doing on a longer-term scale.
- atoav 1y ago
  I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation. The first thing you have in common with the other person is that you are at the same place during the same time as them. Depending on the context this can already provide you with much, much better ways of starting a conversation than just using a "how are you?" to which nobody expects an honest answer. But German is my first language and this culturual circle isn't exactly known for valuing meaningless smalltalk so take this with a grain of salt. I have found that the key to successfully starting a conversation is (1) to be emphatically observant and wonder which questions are moving the other person in a given moment and (2) be open to take it any direction including shutting up without feeling any pressure.
  - deleted 1y ago
    [deleted]
  - 9rx 1y ago
    > I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation. Just like everyone else. "How are you?" isn't a conversation opener, it's an attention grabber; like "hey", "ahoy", "excuse me", or "hello". A device used to give the other party a moment to realize your presence and shift their focus towards you. If you try to go straight into conversation when the other person is off in their own world, nine times out of ten you're going to simply get back "Wait, what? Did you say something?"
- andrepd 1y ago
  I wouldn't attach grand meanings to that. Most cultures in Europe do have a socially polite "how are you"/"ça va"/"tudo bem"/whatever to which you're expected to reply some variation of "I'm fine thank you" unless you are good friends and the question is meant sincerely.
- scarface_74 1y ago
  That is honestly a shallow greeting that leads to a shallow response. I hang out at the bar downstairs from where I live to talk to the bartender who is a friend (we have hung out before), and whoever else comes by - mostly tourists. My go to question is “what keeps you busy”? It’s open ended and I can talk about almost anything enough to ask questions and keep them talking.
  - deleted 1y ago
    [deleted]
- idiotsecant 1y ago
  'how are you' is not a genuine question, it's an opening salvo in an interaction ritual. You aren't supposed to actually answer it. I hate it, it's absolutely useless and just occupies the first few seconds of an interaction for no reason.
- herval 1y ago
  I worked in Germany for a while, and it was always hilarious when an American would ask a local "how are you?" then proceed to be bombarded about how they're having a headache or how their baby puked all over them yesterday. It's a question that's used almost as a "hello" in the US.
- balfirevic 1y ago
  > In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way My understanding is that it is not even a question, the question mark at the end is just decoration. Even the shallow answer is not necessary, responding with something like, "Hi, good to see you" would be perfectly valid.
bovermyer 1y ago
I wonder where the line is between being willing to be vulnerable and oversharing.
- sctb 1y ago
  I would suggest that, like many things, that line is dependent on all of the details of the situation. Because all of those subtle details (e.g. the mood, receptiveness, familiarity, interest, etc. of the other person and yourself) matter, you need to be able to take those in and respond accordingly. So you could say that a prerequisite for connection is something like "presence", the ability to give your full attention to the interaction itself. Or you could say that this is actually the essence of connection, and the conversation is an expression of that togetherness of presence.
- xelxebar 1y ago
  I don't think you can avoid risks and be vulnerable at the same time. It's a bit of a catch-22, I'll admit; oversharing can push people away, but the only way I know to figure it out is to fall, get back up, rinse, and repeat.
- danparsonson 1y ago
  It moves over time as you get closer to someone, in concert with your mutual trust.
- astura 1y ago
  Just keep the conversation appropriate for time, place, and how well you know the person. That avoids oversharing. For example, I overheard a conversation between two coworkers. One asked about a health issue and the other responded with this long drawn out story about an extremely gruesome injury with lots of details leaving everyone extremely uncomfortable. The other coworker complained about to me afterwards, because I overheard it. He could have said "oh, I'm doing much better! Had a bad injury about six months ago that set me back some, but I'm healed up from that now, thankfully!" Maybe there's a time and place to share the gruesome details, depending on who your friends are, but it's certainly not with a work acquaintance.
- hshshshshsh 1y ago
nntwozz 1y ago
"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln
- daymanstep 1y ago
  [flagged]
  - 4gotunameagain 1y ago
    Using one of the most of extreme of examples to discredit an argument that is meant to bring unity, makes me not like you, and not wanting to know you better ;)_
    - optimlayer 1y ago
      which would make you not like him even more, and thus wanting to know him better :D
      - dang 1y ago
        This is offtopic but can you please email hn@ycombinator.com? I want to ask you about https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44523452 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44523452.
  - throwaway290 1y ago
    Maybe if you understand how that happened you would have an idea how to make the world have fewer people like that?
    - ChrisMarshallNY 1y ago
hshshshshsh 1y ago
> A good place to start was to figure out what makes me happy. So, I wrote down the best experiences of my life so far. I came up with 20. 19 of them were experiences where I connected with people. You are assuming you know what best experience you can experience by looking at the past. But this is not necessarily correct. Don't assume you know the answer. Try new things. Some of the best experiences come from within. Boy you would be surprised:)
micromacrofoot 1y ago
To connect two USB-C cables together, you'll need a USB-C coupler, also known as an adapter or extender. This allows you to plug one USB-C cable into each end of the coupler, effectively joining them to create a longer cable.
JLemay 1y ago
Empathy plays a crucial role in strengthening human connections, which unfortunately I believe has been eroded strongly by social media and a rise in individualism. The combination of anonymity, and the modern day psychological wiring towards instant gratification, makes online cruelty largely rewarding unfortunately.
wanderingstan 1y ago
> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t. I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values and what’s top of mind: sports? Work? Family? Oversharing is perhaps defined as sharing too much too soon, when you should still be doing small talk. Sometimes people say they hate small talk but complain of the difficulty of making friends. Start by learning how to have light conversations. Keep talking. Depth comes naturally with time.
- 93po 1y ago
  I think hating small talk and avoiding it is a perfectly fine selection filter. If someone takes a long time to warm up and talk about deeper stuff, that's totally valid, but it's probably a sign of there being a mismatch in either vulnerability, actual available depth of conversation, or general conversation patterns. This mismatch means that yes, I could put in a lot of effort to get this person comfortable, but then you're accommodating someone else's priorities over your own, and I don't really want to do that with strangers. I'll go make friends with someone that is going to better match me.
- swaggyBoatswain 1y ago
  Conversations should be progressive over time, as this builds trust and support over a given period of time
- johnisgood 1y ago
  I do not think smalltalk has much to do with vulnerability, personally. Smalltalk is boring and useless. It is a waste of time, IMO, just because people find silence awkward.
- creer 1y ago
  Among the problems of small talk: (a) It's a crutch that just plain avoids the need for connection. (b) It lets you acknowledge someone - but so do more constructive acts such as simply noticing the person near you and being considerate to them, or even smiling. In particular so many people will have small talk with one person while not even noticing the others. (c) Small talk fills up time - aka wastes - to the detriment of other topics. (d) Do people really learn connection by starting with small talk? Perhaps a few. After that, the question exists of what topics you can tackle - that are not small talk. That can be tough. But usually you do have something in common with the other, already. Recognizing what it is can be tricky. Certainly teaching the various ways you can interact with others would be nice to have in school.
deleted 1y ago
[deleted]
satisfice 1y ago
"People" don't hate small talk. SOME people hate small talk. But small talk is a gateway to connection. It is not to be avoided, but to be embraced-- if connection is what you want. And the people the writer speaks of don't "hate" small talk, mostly. They are uncomfortable with it. This is not the same as hate. I suspect some of the people who are uncomfortable with small talk are that way because they don't want to delay talking about big things. Others are uncomfortable because they don't WANT it to lead to big things. Others think it IS a big thing and are afraid to do it wrong. And finally others falsely believe that small talk means telling lies. I like to talk about big things, but I don't mind starting with little things.
Notatheist 1y ago
If you want to explore connecting with people I can highly recommend social dancing. >People hate small talk because it avoids this I don't believe that. You can connect with someone before you've exchanged names, and you can fail to connect with someone you've shared your life's story with. This is the same mistake autists at my dance school make (including myself). They believe connection demands a rational exchange of valuable information. In dance that would be the technical complexity of whatever you're leading and the grace and mastery you lead it with. In language it would be sharing hopes and fears. Small talk robs you of all that. It's a true measure of someone's ability to connect.
- em-bee 1y ago
  I can highly recommend social dancing as an introvert who is uncomfortable to expose themselves to much i prefer more formal dancing, that is, where the rules of how to move are predefined and you are all learning those exact moves without having to be creative in any form. (once you learned a couple of traditional dance moves you can take them to somewhere where more creativity is asked for)
cloverich 1y ago
What i want to know more about is "clicking" with people. I traversed social isolation and anxiety in my youth to get pretty decent at small talk and for a while that was all there was it seemed. Then as the environments changed i found i was able to more fully connect and establish friendships with people. But whats always stood out to me is the people I ended up persisting with, how quickly that small talk phase passed, sometimes it seems like within the first encounter. My most recent developing friendship i distinctly remember it was within the first few words, both my wife and I just knew oh this person fits. I always expect and still believe getting to know someone better can lead to shared understandings, better conversations, friendships. But at the same time, my anectdotal experience has been the people that worked out and persisted, it was obvious within five minutes or less (ie that initial gut feeling never changed). I guess the social cues or mannerisms or something like that which is perhaps hard to consciously describe but to an expert would be likely obvious, that perhaps reveals far more about you than your words can impart. Im sure its not that complicated but also think if you are forcing the small talk and really struggling to connect, dont be afraid to branch out and look for those clicks.
2color 1y ago
A good way to avoid the "how are you?" small talk trap, is to ask "how are you sleeping?"
- igouy 1y ago
  The polite reply would be: That's none of your business.
creer 1y ago
I loved the book "How to know a person - The art of seeing others deeply and being deeply seen, David Brooks, 2023". I found truly interesting ways to look at the problem. By a professional of getting people to connect. Including issues such as how we see ourselves or how we see the world is not how it is (which applies to the person in front of us). Also a great discussion of culture vs individual. And plenty of tips for everyday usage. A useful piece of work.

88 points by bradwoodsio 1y ago

Good article! Short and straigt to the point and it gave me an insigt. Check out his other writings in his blog

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and family connections and spending time together.

ishita159 1y ago
true, people are being polite mostly though.
al_borland 1y ago
I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly. The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that doesn’t help with establishing new connections. Even with people who are close, there is some expectation to keep things pleasant and not unload bad news on them, or seem like you’re bragging about good stuff, when asked how you are. This is why you’ll often see movies where someone asks, “how are you,” and then after the generic answer they follow it up with, “how are you really?” In other situations, especially with good stuff, people feel like they need to be invited to talk about something exciting in their life. If they have something fun planned for the weekend or did something fun last weekend, they’ll ask someone else what they did, hoping to get that same question back, so they can have an excuse to talk about what they did. No one ever really told me this and it took me longer than I’d like to admit to figure it out.
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
- AnimalMuppet 1y ago
  When someone says "How are you", I sometimes say "Crummy, but thanks for asking." I'm not oversharing, but I'm also not giving them a shallow, dishonest reply. I'm leaving the door open for a deeper conversation, but I'm not forcing it. Then it's up to them whether we just move on, or whether a real conversation happens.
  - le-mark 1y ago
    “I didn’t die in my sleep last night so I’ve got that going for me” dark dry and true.
- doublerabbit 1y ago
  I tend to use "how are you today on a scale of 10?" as an ice breaker. This then allows you to open the question, as well gives choice to the person. "Six is good, why a six?", "anything wrong, why a four? Et cetera
- arcbyte 1y ago
  > I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” I've definitely experienced the same. However ive realized that invariably, the person answering honestly is wayyy happier in general than the person being critical. Learning to have the freedom to express yourself, invite connection, and let failed invitations go, is a superpower for a happy life.
- grep_name 1y ago
  I've lived my whole life in the southeastern US, and the comments online about this always make me feel like an alien. Everyone here always seems to imply that it's meaningless because "You have to say 'good', and if you don't say that people get upset," but I've just never once had that experience. I almost never say 'good' in response to that question, even to a coworker I don't know well. In my friend groups, usually people will be straightforward about how they're doing as well. Maybe people don't know how to say 'bad' without following up with a story? It's easy once you start doing it. "Not great, but it's fine" or "I'm just keeping along / taking it day by day" is a fairly common response to get from me, especially lately, and it's always honest. Sometimes I will just say "TBH this week completely sucks for me" before continuing with what the conversation was about originally. If things are going well I will be effusive in my (still short) response ("I'm doing awesome actually"). And I do care about how the other person is doing when they respond. I've even gone so far as to ask, after finding out about bad news later in the conversation, "Damn, why'd you say you were doing well?". I find it to be a deeply useful way to start a conversation. If you ask how I'm doing and you don't know me well, and I say something to imply I'm not having a good day, it completely changes the way the conversation should be conducted. Same goes for the other person's response. You always start every conversation on the same page ('how impatient / stressed is the other person right now?' is one of the most important pieces of context you can have). Over time, I've even found that it has the benefit of making me reflect on a regular basis on how I feel in the moment vs how I'm actually doing on a longer-term scale.
atoav 1y ago
I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation. The first thing you have in common with the other person is that you are at the same place during the same time as them. Depending on the context this can already provide you with much, much better ways of starting a conversation than just using a "how are you?" to which nobody expects an honest answer. But German is my first language and this culturual circle isn't exactly known for valuing meaningless smalltalk so take this with a grain of salt. I have found that the key to successfully starting a conversation is (1) to be emphatically observant and wonder which questions are moving the other person in a given moment and (2) be open to take it any direction including shutting up without feeling any pressure.
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
- 9rx 1y ago
  > I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation. Just like everyone else. "How are you?" isn't a conversation opener, it's an attention grabber; like "hey", "ahoy", "excuse me", or "hello". A device used to give the other party a moment to realize your presence and shift their focus towards you. If you try to go straight into conversation when the other person is off in their own world, nine times out of ten you're going to simply get back "Wait, what? Did you say something?"
andrepd 1y ago
I wouldn't attach grand meanings to that. Most cultures in Europe do have a socially polite "how are you"/"ça va"/"tudo bem"/whatever to which you're expected to reply some variation of "I'm fine thank you" unless you are good friends and the question is meant sincerely.
scarface_74 1y ago
That is honestly a shallow greeting that leads to a shallow response. I hang out at the bar downstairs from where I live to talk to the bartender who is a friend (we have hung out before), and whoever else comes by - mostly tourists. My go to question is “what keeps you busy”? It’s open ended and I can talk about almost anything enough to ask questions and keep them talking.
- deleted 1y ago
  [deleted]
idiotsecant 1y ago
'how are you' is not a genuine question, it's an opening salvo in an interaction ritual. You aren't supposed to actually answer it. I hate it, it's absolutely useless and just occupies the first few seconds of an interaction for no reason.
herval 1y ago
I worked in Germany for a while, and it was always hilarious when an American would ask a local "how are you?" then proceed to be bombarded about how they're having a headache or how their baby puked all over them yesterday. It's a question that's used almost as a "hello" in the US.
balfirevic 1y ago
> In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way My understanding is that it is not even a question, the question mark at the end is just decoration. Even the shallow answer is not necessary, responding with something like, "Hi, good to see you" would be perfectly valid.

bovermyer 1y ago

I wonder where the line is between being willing to be vulnerable and oversharing.

sctb 1y ago
I would suggest that, like many things, that line is dependent on all of the details of the situation. Because all of those subtle details (e.g. the mood, receptiveness, familiarity, interest, etc. of the other person and yourself) matter, you need to be able to take those in and respond accordingly. So you could say that a prerequisite for connection is something like "presence", the ability to give your full attention to the interaction itself. Or you could say that this is actually the essence of connection, and the conversation is an expression of that togetherness of presence.
xelxebar 1y ago
I don't think you can avoid risks and be vulnerable at the same time. It's a bit of a catch-22, I'll admit; oversharing can push people away, but the only way I know to figure it out is to fall, get back up, rinse, and repeat.
danparsonson 1y ago
It moves over time as you get closer to someone, in concert with your mutual trust.
astura 1y ago
Just keep the conversation appropriate for time, place, and how well you know the person. That avoids oversharing. For example, I overheard a conversation between two coworkers. One asked about a health issue and the other responded with this long drawn out story about an extremely gruesome injury with lots of details leaving everyone extremely uncomfortable. The other coworker complained about to me afterwards, because I overheard it. He could have said "oh, I'm doing much better! Had a bad injury about six months ago that set me back some, but I'm healed up from that now, thankfully!" Maybe there's a time and place to share the gruesome details, depending on who your friends are, but it's certainly not with a work acquaintance.
hshshshshsh 1y ago

nntwozz 1y ago

"It means mutual empathy — they get you and you get them. It's discovering similar values, experiences and perspectives. It's a feeling of trust and comfort where you both feel safe to say what is truly on your mind." Ah, sounds all fine and dandy! But what do you do when you discover you don't have similar values? Maybe there's no answer in todays polarized world; personally aspire to this: I don't like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln

daymanstep 1y ago
[flagged]
- 4gotunameagain 1y ago
  Using one of the most of extreme of examples to discredit an argument that is meant to bring unity, makes me not like you, and not wanting to know you better ;)_
  - optimlayer 1y ago
    which would make you not like him even more, and thus wanting to know him better :D
    - dang 1y ago
      This is offtopic but can you please email hn@ycombinator.com? I want to ask you about https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44523452 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44523452.
- throwaway290 1y ago
  Maybe if you understand how that happened you would have an idea how to make the world have fewer people like that?
  - ChrisMarshallNY 1y ago

hshshshshsh 1y ago

> A good place to start was to figure out what makes me happy. So, I wrote down the best experiences of my life so far. I came up with 20. 19 of them were experiences where I connected with people. You are assuming you know what best experience you can experience by looking at the past. But this is not necessarily correct. Don't assume you know the answer. Try new things. Some of the best experiences come from within. Boy you would be surprised:)

micromacrofoot 1y ago

To connect two USB-C cables together, you'll need a USB-C coupler, also known as an adapter or extender. This allows you to plug one USB-C cable into each end of the coupler, effectively joining them to create a longer cable.

JLemay 1y ago

Empathy plays a crucial role in strengthening human connections, which unfortunately I believe has been eroded strongly by social media and a rise in individualism. The combination of anonymity, and the modern day psychological wiring towards instant gratification, makes online cruelty largely rewarding unfortunately.

wanderingstan 1y ago

> People hate small talk because it avoids [vulnerability]. The purpose of social conversation is to connect but talking about the weather or the latest sportz ball result reveals sh!t. I’m a defender of small talk. It’s the MVP of connection; you are at least talking to another person, mutual acknowledgement. It’s where relationships begin. It’s where you and the other can safely feel out the space of shared values and what’s top of mind: sports? Work? Family? Oversharing is perhaps defined as sharing too much too soon, when you should still be doing small talk. Sometimes people say they hate small talk but complain of the difficulty of making friends. Start by learning how to have light conversations. Keep talking. Depth comes naturally with time.

93po 1y ago
I think hating small talk and avoiding it is a perfectly fine selection filter. If someone takes a long time to warm up and talk about deeper stuff, that's totally valid, but it's probably a sign of there being a mismatch in either vulnerability, actual available depth of conversation, or general conversation patterns. This mismatch means that yes, I could put in a lot of effort to get this person comfortable, but then you're accommodating someone else's priorities over your own, and I don't really want to do that with strangers. I'll go make friends with someone that is going to better match me.
swaggyBoatswain 1y ago
Conversations should be progressive over time, as this builds trust and support over a given period of time
johnisgood 1y ago
I do not think smalltalk has much to do with vulnerability, personally. Smalltalk is boring and useless. It is a waste of time, IMO, just because people find silence awkward.
creer 1y ago
Among the problems of small talk: (a) It's a crutch that just plain avoids the need for connection. (b) It lets you acknowledge someone - but so do more constructive acts such as simply noticing the person near you and being considerate to them, or even smiling. In particular so many people will have small talk with one person while not even noticing the others. (c) Small talk fills up time - aka wastes - to the detriment of other topics. (d) Do people really learn connection by starting with small talk? Perhaps a few. After that, the question exists of what topics you can tackle - that are not small talk. That can be tough. But usually you do have something in common with the other, already. Recognizing what it is can be tricky. Certainly teaching the various ways you can interact with others would be nice to have in school.

deleted 1y ago

[deleted]

satisfice 1y ago

"People" don't hate small talk. SOME people hate small talk. But small talk is a gateway to connection. It is not to be avoided, but to be embraced-- if connection is what you want. And the people the writer speaks of don't "hate" small talk, mostly. They are uncomfortable with it. This is not the same as hate. I suspect some of the people who are uncomfortable with small talk are that way because they don't want to delay talking about big things. Others are uncomfortable because they don't WANT it to lead to big things. Others think it IS a big thing and are afraid to do it wrong. And finally others falsely believe that small talk means telling lies. I like to talk about big things, but I don't mind starting with little things.

Notatheist 1y ago

If you want to explore connecting with people I can highly recommend social dancing. >People hate small talk because it avoids this I don't believe that. You can connect with someone before you've exchanged names, and you can fail to connect with someone you've shared your life's story with. This is the same mistake autists at my dance school make (including myself). They believe connection demands a rational exchange of valuable information. In dance that would be the technical complexity of whatever you're leading and the grace and mastery you lead it with. In language it would be sharing hopes and fears. Small talk robs you of all that. It's a true measure of someone's ability to connect.

em-bee 1y ago
I can highly recommend social dancing as an introvert who is uncomfortable to expose themselves to much i prefer more formal dancing, that is, where the rules of how to move are predefined and you are all learning those exact moves without having to be creative in any form. (once you learned a couple of traditional dance moves you can take them to somewhere where more creativity is asked for)

cloverich 1y ago

What i want to know more about is "clicking" with people. I traversed social isolation and anxiety in my youth to get pretty decent at small talk and for a while that was all there was it seemed. Then as the environments changed i found i was able to more fully connect and establish friendships with people. But whats always stood out to me is the people I ended up persisting with, how quickly that small talk phase passed, sometimes it seems like within the first encounter. My most recent developing friendship i distinctly remember it was within the first few words, both my wife and I just knew oh this person fits. I always expect and still believe getting to know someone better can lead to shared understandings, better conversations, friendships. But at the same time, my anectdotal experience has been the people that worked out and persisted, it was obvious within five minutes or less (ie that initial gut feeling never changed). I guess the social cues or mannerisms or something like that which is perhaps hard to consciously describe but to an expert would be likely obvious, that perhaps reveals far more about you than your words can impart. Im sure its not that complicated but also think if you are forcing the small talk and really struggling to connect, dont be afraid to branch out and look for those clicks.

2color 1y ago

A good way to avoid the "how are you?" small talk trap, is to ask "how are you sleeping?"

igouy 1y ago
The polite reply would be: That's none of your business.

creer 1y ago

I loved the book "How to know a person - The art of seeing others deeply and being deeply seen, David Brooks, 2023". I found truly interesting ways to look at the problem. By a professional of getting people to connect. Including issues such as how we see ourselves or how we see the world is not how it is (which applies to the person in front of us). Also a great discussion of culture vs individual. And plenty of tips for everyday usage. A useful piece of work.