7 ms·

Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I starte

Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol

xupybd 4y ago
To me this sounds similar to the old saying "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" I've found this to simply mean that you enjoy the work you put in. Gamers can spend hours getting good at a game. Few would call it practice, they'd call it play. However, whatever you call it you need it to get good. Whatever that thing is that you put into a relationship, it's needed.
skrebbel 4y ago
No kids I take it?
- exitb 4y ago
  These are separate things, I suppose. One can live a very challenging life, including the usual (or unusual...) kids trouble, and still find comfort in the relationship with their spouse.
xwdv 4y ago
Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Because the alternative is to just be single and die alone surrounded by no one, childless in some nursing home where nurses increasingly don’t give a fuck about you the closer you are to death. Some people will argue being single isn’t so bad. But for a person whose goal it is to be married and share life with someone it can be a fate worse than death. And the longer it takes to get married the more of your life you are living without sharing experiences with anyone that matters to you.
- bruce343434 4y ago
  We are a pathetic, self centered species.
- wnolens 4y ago
  > Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If this is actually your personal experience, could you share more of it? I've always ended up dating women who absolutely love me but who I am somewhat ambivalent to after a few weeks. Most of life already feels like work to me, was hoping a romantic relationship wouldn't. But I've thought often of throwing in the towel and settling for the next sane one even if I'm bored. Because wife + kids sounds long term better than fun uncle who ultimately dies alone.
  - em-bee 4y ago
    for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want to look closely what it is that makes you feel ambivalent after a few weeks. try giving it more time to see if you still feel like that. get to know each other better, plan your potential future life together to get an understanding what each of you want from a relationship. love alone is not enough.
    - wnolens 4y ago
      I think my ambivalence comes from a lack of excitement while just casually socializing. I have plenty of best friends who are hilarious and fascinating, that by comparison I can feel quite empty with a woman who is otherwise quite a catch. I'm trying to give the current one more time because maybe it's a function of how familiar we are with eachother and the experiences we've shared. Romantic relationships as an adult can feel so contrived!
carom 4y ago
On the other hand, my gf would love it.
prmoustache 4y ago
> Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. For some people it isn't until it is. There are many things that can break a great relationship. Routine, lack of common projects, financial difficulties, personal struggle of one or both.
- jason_slack 4y ago
  +1 here because my marriage is amazing but we do get stuck in routines, we have no common interests really except very small things, both have struggled with personal loss/grief and are currently experiencing financial difficulty. It has been 16 years and somehow head to pillow every night still brings a smile to my face for this amazing woman being the love of my life.
krageon 4y ago
It is nice, I guess you are fortunate to have a relationship that basically maintains itself. For most people, proper communication and keeping a commitment to open up emotionally when you need to is work.

xupybd 4y ago

To me this sounds similar to the old saying "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life" I've found this to simply mean that you enjoy the work you put in. Gamers can spend hours getting good at a game. Few would call it practice, they'd call it play. However, whatever you call it you need it to get good. Whatever that thing is that you put into a relationship, it's needed.

skrebbel 4y ago

No kids I take it?

exitb 4y ago
These are separate things, I suppose. One can live a very challenging life, including the usual (or unusual...) kids trouble, and still find comfort in the relationship with their spouse.

xwdv 4y ago

Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do. Because the alternative is to just be single and die alone surrounded by no one, childless in some nursing home where nurses increasingly don’t give a fuck about you the closer you are to death. Some people will argue being single isn’t so bad. But for a person whose goal it is to be married and share life with someone it can be a fate worse than death. And the longer it takes to get married the more of your life you are living without sharing experiences with anyone that matters to you.

bruce343434 4y ago
We are a pathetic, self centered species.
wnolens 4y ago
> Not everyone gets so lucky. Some people have to settle for a partner they can love but is not really their ideal match. > This is where it takes work. You have to accept the fact every day this is your partner, you have to wrestle with thoughts of perhaps coming across an actual ideal partner some day. You have to learn to love your partner, and do things to make them happy, not necessarily things you want to do If this is actually your personal experience, could you share more of it? I've always ended up dating women who absolutely love me but who I am somewhat ambivalent to after a few weeks. Most of life already feels like work to me, was hoping a romantic relationship wouldn't. But I've thought often of throwing in the towel and settling for the next sane one even if I'm bored. Because wife + kids sounds long term better than fun uncle who ultimately dies alone.
- em-bee 4y ago
  for starters i think it helps to accept that the ideal partner doesn't exist. everyone has flaws on one way or another. the problem is that when you meet that seemingly ideal person some day, that person only looks ideal because you haven't seen their bad sides yet. i think it really helps to keep that in mind. better to deal with the devil you know, than starting over with an unknown. for your problem, i would want to look closely what it is that makes you feel ambivalent after a few weeks. try giving it more time to see if you still feel like that. get to know each other better, plan your potential future life together to get an understanding what each of you want from a relationship. love alone is not enough.
  - wnolens 4y ago
    I think my ambivalence comes from a lack of excitement while just casually socializing. I have plenty of best friends who are hilarious and fascinating, that by comparison I can feel quite empty with a woman who is otherwise quite a catch. I'm trying to give the current one more time because maybe it's a function of how familiar we are with eachother and the experiences we've shared. Romantic relationships as an adult can feel so contrived!

carom 4y ago

On the other hand, my gf would love it.

prmoustache 4y ago

> Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. For some people it isn't until it is. There are many things that can break a great relationship. Routine, lack of common projects, financial difficulties, personal struggle of one or both.

jason_slack 4y ago
+1 here because my marriage is amazing but we do get stuck in routines, we have no common interests really except very small things, both have struggled with personal loss/grief and are currently experiencing financial difficulty. It has been 16 years and somehow head to pillow every night still brings a smile to my face for this amazing woman being the love of my life.

krageon 4y ago

It is nice, I guess you are fortunate to have a relationship that basically maintains itself. For most people, proper communication and keeping a commitment to open up emotionally when you need to is work.