6 ms·

Kids—I have 3—reinforce attributes that should be valuable in the workforce. * I ruthlessly prioritize — you have to when you're balancing a family. * I don't

by basseq 6y ago

Kids—I have 3—reinforce attributes that should be valuable in the workforce. * I ruthlessly prioritize — you have to when you're balancing a family. * I don't dwell on mistakes – milk, quite literally, is spilled on a daily basis. * I'm a better manager – kids teach you to be clear and immediate in your feedback, not to mention more empathetic * I speak better – reading bedtime stories means you practice public speaking every night A company that measures performance in hours or dedication will not reward those attributes. But the good ones will happily give you flexibility in exchange for good work. If you're struggling to find a balance, know first that you're not alone. But recognize quickly that your employment environment may be incompatible with family life, and so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance.

xrd 6y ago
I'm going to print this out. Really well said.
eries 6y ago
> But recognize quickly that your employment environment may be incompatible with family life, and so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance. Amen
BLKNSLVR 6y ago
> If you're struggling to find a balance, know first that you're not alone. But recognize quickly that your employment environment may be incompatible with family life, and so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance. This may come from an already privileged position (I'm doing "well" by most standards and haven't lost my job due to the pandemic), but your relationship with your kids is for the rest of your life. If you don't get your kids right, you may need a high-flying career to pay for all their shit into the future. Get your kids right! If it affects your career, then refer to the above quoted comment, but I would also add that if your kids are slowing down your career then you have your priorities straight. I don't always have time for my kids every single night, but I'll make up for it at opportune times. Sometimes I feel I'm not connecting with them for a week or even a month, but then a situation will come up where that connection-gap is entirely filled and then some - but you have to be aware of the situations in order to recognize the ones where you can help / step-in and make that connection. Aside: This is something I didn't think about before having kids, didn't even cross my mind as a "thing". My kids are my reason for living. Life would be empty without them, I'd be potentially suicidal. My career exists to pay for the betterment of the kids. I could clean toilets for all I care, as long as they're on the right track. Flipside: Bob Hawke, one of Australia's favourite Prime Ministers, is rumoured to have hushed up the rape of one of his daughters because the badly-timed controversy could potentially have slowed down his career path. Make your choice by what suits your personality, likely somewhere between those two extremes. Not being able to sleep at night will probably drag your career down more than kids (although that's one of the early effects of having kids).
- basseq 6y ago
  One of the hardest things for me pre-kids was standing up for myself. Unrealistic expectations, people with no respect for your time, meetings that stretched well past 5pm with no good reason. Kids don't make that easier—and in fact, make it harder because you simply can't roll over and let people walk all over you. That transition was painful. And, if I'm being honest, is still hard for me. The first time our CEO suggested we meet at 6:30pm, and I said, "Nope, I have to cook dinner and put the kids in the bath" was... terrifying. While there are still times where my family gets the short end of the stick, I've found it to be empowering, and I think begets respect. No one respects a doormat—kids or no, don't be one.
cdubzzz 6y ago
Beautifully said. I have two little ones, one came a few months ago with my current employer and I took a month of parental leave with no ill effects whatsoever. My manager and organization is incredibly respectful of my time and priorities, even more so now with the pandemic situation.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
jesselawson 6y ago
Wonderfully put. As a father of three myself, I couldn't agree more.
new_realist 6y ago
If you have all of these attributes and have kids, you will not progress as fast as someone who has all of these attributes and no kids: they have more time, more energy, more sleep, and more money. They can afford to take more risks. Finally, they probably have an aching void in their personal life which they will try to fill with career ambition. This is all reflected in women’s pay statistics: those who wait to have kids earn more over their lifetimes.
- basseq 6y ago
  My point is that having kids massively strengthened those attributes in me—and others I've spoken with. I wouldn't have been in the same position otherwise. All this is to say... it's not about fast or slow. It's about different and finding what works. And there are counter-examples, too. I worked with a guy who ran a global business unit—a couple billion dollars, probably—and had 5 kids. Might he have been even more successful had he remained childless? Maybe... who knows. He was good either way. I volunteered with a woman who is now the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. She brought her daughter with her, and doing social good as a family was an important part of her personal and. professional life. If you're good and driven, it doesn't matter.
  - apohn 6y ago
    >If you're good and driven, it doesn't matter. So I don't mean to be a pedantic ass here, but the "I'm a CEO and I have a wonderful home life" is probably the exception, not the rule. The reality is that you can't be a CEO on a 9-5 schedule. You probably have a lot of help for all those times you have to travel, stay late, leave early, etc. Something is going to be scarified. That being said, you can have a successful career without becoming a CEO or running a global business unit. So it's not 100% career or 100% family.
    - basseq 6y ago
      Absolutely true. You have to decide where your priorities are, and what you’re willing to sacrifice. My point was the simpler one that having kids in of itself doesn’t hold you back.
godot 6y ago
Thank you for this post -- this is one of the best, most succinct, accurate commentary on parenting + work life I've read. This echoes my experience as a parent of a 2-year-old now, as someone who had been quite career-focused all my life before that; and it also serves as a good reminder of traits I should continue to strive to have.
jp42 6y ago
This --> "so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance."

by basseq 6y ago

xrd 6y ago

I'm going to print this out. Really well said.

eries 6y ago

> But recognize quickly that your employment environment may be incompatible with family life, and so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance. Amen

BLKNSLVR 6y ago

> If you're struggling to find a balance, know first that you're not alone. But recognize quickly that your employment environment may be incompatible with family life, and so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance. This may come from an already privileged position (I'm doing "well" by most standards and haven't lost my job due to the pandemic), but your relationship with your kids is for the rest of your life. If you don't get your kids right, you may need a high-flying career to pay for all their shit into the future. Get your kids right! If it affects your career, then refer to the above quoted comment, but I would also add that if your kids are slowing down your career then you have your priorities straight. I don't always have time for my kids every single night, but I'll make up for it at opportune times. Sometimes I feel I'm not connecting with them for a week or even a month, but then a situation will come up where that connection-gap is entirely filled and then some - but you have to be aware of the situations in order to recognize the ones where you can help / step-in and make that connection. Aside: This is something I didn't think about before having kids, didn't even cross my mind as a "thing". My kids are my reason for living. Life would be empty without them, I'd be potentially suicidal. My career exists to pay for the betterment of the kids. I could clean toilets for all I care, as long as they're on the right track. Flipside: Bob Hawke, one of Australia's favourite Prime Ministers, is rumoured to have hushed up the rape of one of his daughters because the badly-timed controversy could potentially have slowed down his career path. Make your choice by what suits your personality, likely somewhere between those two extremes. Not being able to sleep at night will probably drag your career down more than kids (although that's one of the early effects of having kids).

basseq 6y ago
One of the hardest things for me pre-kids was standing up for myself. Unrealistic expectations, people with no respect for your time, meetings that stretched well past 5pm with no good reason. Kids don't make that easier—and in fact, make it harder because you simply can't roll over and let people walk all over you. That transition was painful. And, if I'm being honest, is still hard for me. The first time our CEO suggested we meet at 6:30pm, and I said, "Nope, I have to cook dinner and put the kids in the bath" was... terrifying. While there are still times where my family gets the short end of the stick, I've found it to be empowering, and I think begets respect. No one respects a doormat—kids or no, don't be one.

cdubzzz 6y ago

Beautifully said. I have two little ones, one came a few months ago with my current employer and I took a month of parental leave with no ill effects whatsoever. My manager and organization is incredibly respectful of my time and priorities, even more so now with the pandemic situation.

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]

jesselawson 6y ago

Wonderfully put. As a father of three myself, I couldn't agree more.

new_realist 6y ago

If you have all of these attributes and have kids, you will not progress as fast as someone who has all of these attributes and no kids: they have more time, more energy, more sleep, and more money. They can afford to take more risks. Finally, they probably have an aching void in their personal life which they will try to fill with career ambition. This is all reflected in women’s pay statistics: those who wait to have kids earn more over their lifetimes.

basseq 6y ago
My point is that having kids massively strengthened those attributes in me—and others I've spoken with. I wouldn't have been in the same position otherwise. All this is to say... it's not about fast or slow. It's about different and finding what works. And there are counter-examples, too. I worked with a guy who ran a global business unit—a couple billion dollars, probably—and had 5 kids. Might he have been even more successful had he remained childless? Maybe... who knows. He was good either way. I volunteered with a woman who is now the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. She brought her daughter with her, and doing social good as a family was an important part of her personal and. professional life. If you're good and driven, it doesn't matter.
- apohn 6y ago
  >If you're good and driven, it doesn't matter. So I don't mean to be a pedantic ass here, but the "I'm a CEO and I have a wonderful home life" is probably the exception, not the rule. The reality is that you can't be a CEO on a 9-5 schedule. You probably have a lot of help for all those times you have to travel, stay late, leave early, etc. Something is going to be scarified. That being said, you can have a successful career without becoming a CEO or running a global business unit. So it's not 100% career or 100% family.
  - basseq 6y ago
    Absolutely true. You have to decide where your priorities are, and what you’re willing to sacrifice. My point was the simpler one that having kids in of itself doesn’t hold you back.

godot 6y ago

Thank you for this post -- this is one of the best, most succinct, accurate commentary on parenting + work life I've read. This echoes my experience as a parent of a 2-year-old now, as someone who had been quite career-focused all my life before that; and it also serves as a good reminder of traits I should continue to strive to have.

jp42 6y ago

This --> "so what's "slowing your career down" is your management... not your kids or your own performance."