6 ms·

Every day is a struggle. For several years I've struggled to learn enough Japanese for daily living. (Spouse is Japanese and we moved to Japan a few years ago

Every day is a struggle. For several years I've struggled to learn enough Japanese for daily living. (Spouse is Japanese and we moved to Japan a few years ago with our 3 school-aged kids). Very little success on this. しょうがないね My wife is out of town anywhere between 3 days to 2 weeks each month for her job. While she is gone, we rely heavily on her parents (with whom I cannot communicate directly). They take care of laundry and dinner for the kids. I take care of all the other housework and breakfast. I work at a large corp (English speaking technology department, Japanese company) with very little career progression without business-level Japanese skill. My dev skills feel rusted and I try not to despair about my career. So what do you do? Do you double down on Japanese and try to get some level of fluency and let your dev skill rot? Or do you focus on polishing those dev skills and push the language learning back even farther? You get maybe an hour a day for this purpose. Unfortunately I own a house where the mortgage exceeds the value of the property. So I am not in a position to move to greener pastures. As an added bonus, I've hit mid-forty now and my body is starting to go. Exercise and diet help, but ifaik there is no cure for aging/degrading biologic systems. ... But here's the thing: As a man -- and especially as a white, English-speaking, North American man -- nobody gives a shit about my problems. Sure, family and old friends care that I have troubles, but from the perspective that they hope the problems go away. (to be clear, I mean this as a general case, not specific to this country) I painting myself into a corner, and just have to keep working to make things better. It's simple, but not easy -> Keep working hard. Do whatever you can to improve yourself and your situation. Ask for help when you can. Don't complain. --- Edit to add: Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I appreciate it very much and will carefully consider your suggestions.

mrhappyunhappy 8y ago
I'm in a similar position. Maybe we should get in touch and figure out a way to hold each other accountable to learning the language.
zo1 8y ago
What were your motivations to move to Japan in the first place?
oceanman888 8y ago
Seems you are suffering from what a lot of Japanese married man have, no one gives a shit about your problems except that you bring back the bills. There is a reasons people don't even date anymore here. Take some time for yourself and don't stop hustling.
- mrfusion 8y ago
  Why don’t they date? Just curious.
  - ILikeConemowk 8y ago
    https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/17/more-than-40-per-cent-of-japans-adult-singles-are-virgins-says-s/ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/17/more-than-40-per...
    - mrfusion 8y ago
      Thanks. They only relevant part of that article says “they have gaps between their ideals and the reality“. But why is that? What are their ideals?
- prawn 8y ago
  I think it's more universal than that and it's not that no one cares about your problems, it's that they need to care about their problems first, and that's draining.
agracey 8y ago
At the risk of trivializing your situation because I can't even begin to imagine the frustration that I would feel in your situation. Do you have coworkers who are bilingual and can start speaking to you daily in Japanese and English? Are your kids learning Japanese in a way that you might be able to learn it with them and sharing in that experience?
Baeocystin 8y ago
>So what do you do? Do you double down on Japanese and try to get some level of fluency and let your dev skill rot? Honest answer, from someone who grew up as a child of a diplomat (and is also a white, mid-40's middle-aged man)- this isn't even close to an even question. Push your language training as hard as you possibly can. Linguistic and cultural competency will gain you access to not only the people of the country you live in, but will also gain you the ability to better understand your children as they grow up in a Japanese environment. Compare that to honing, what, experience with some APIs that will be out of favor in half a decade anyway? There's no path forward if you don't speak the language as it is. Focus on the important stuff (communication) first. Dev skills can be resharpened rapidly as needed.
phakding 8y ago
> But here's the thing: As a man -- and especially as a white, English-speaking, North American man -- nobody gives a shit about my problems. I migrated to different country from my birth country as well. You know what, nobody gave a shot about my problems in my home country and nobody does in my adopted country. I am very independent, but few times when I leaned on someone they totally failed me (not intentionally), so I don't even expect anything from anyone. It's libersting to know exactly what I am capable of because there's no one else in the equation.
- prawn 8y ago
  I think people fail others in that sort of situation because they have to prioritise their own problems first, and they forget a plan to aid another, or run out of time, etc. As you said, self-sufficiency is important, and getting any help from others is a bonus.
movedx 8y ago
It'll be hard, but you'll need to get to N2 grade Japanese skills (business level) to be taken seriously. Look at Japanese Pod 101 - it's pretty good. Don't expect to ever get to N1. Virtually impossible. Also never expect to become a Japanese citizen (i.e. get a passport) or even be accepted in society at large - it won't happen. I know everything I'm saying is negative and just makes me look like a party pooper, but I think you deserve straight forward advice on this front. Good luck.
solatic 8y ago
As an American ex-pat (different country, different language, same shit) - 100% prioritize Japanese fluency. It really will unlock doors for you to speak the native language well, it will reduce your sense of social isolation and eventually make you happier. Seeing other ex-pats here without fluency, their lives are so much more difficult. Not quite as isolating for them, since there's a fairly large English-speaking expat community here, but still, seeing them struggle with the most basic things has given me newfound appreciation for the difficulties that immigrants to the US face while their English skills are weak.
kabacha 8y ago
As other commenters said - learn the bloody language man! I've been living in several countries and while I'm a huge snob when it comes to language the benefits are _insane_, especially when it comes to Asia where english is not that common.
hardwaresofton 8y ago
Hey dunno where you are but there's a local HN meetup in Tokyo: https://hntokyo.doorkeeper.jp/ https://hntokyo.doorkeeper.jp/ Also have a slack you can hang out in @ hntokyo.io While I don't know you personally, I can definitely say I spend too much time trying to swoop in and solve problems when I hear about them, so maybe you'll find something you didn't think of there. Also, it's nice to get out and meet others to at least take your mind off of life for a while and maybe make some beneficial connections. I think the average age might be a little lower than yours but the vast majority seem to be 30+, so it's not all teeny-boppers.

mrhappyunhappy 8y ago

I'm in a similar position. Maybe we should get in touch and figure out a way to hold each other accountable to learning the language.

zo1 8y ago

What were your motivations to move to Japan in the first place?

oceanman888 8y ago

Seems you are suffering from what a lot of Japanese married man have, no one gives a shit about your problems except that you bring back the bills. There is a reasons people don't even date anymore here. Take some time for yourself and don't stop hustling.

mrfusion 8y ago
Why don’t they date? Just curious.
- ILikeConemowk 8y ago
  https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/17/more-than-40-per-cent-of-japans-adult-singles-are-virgins-says-s/ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/17/more-than-40-per...
  - mrfusion 8y ago
    Thanks. They only relevant part of that article says “they have gaps between their ideals and the reality“. But why is that? What are their ideals?
prawn 8y ago
I think it's more universal than that and it's not that no one cares about your problems, it's that they need to care about their problems first, and that's draining.

agracey 8y ago

At the risk of trivializing your situation because I can't even begin to imagine the frustration that I would feel in your situation. Do you have coworkers who are bilingual and can start speaking to you daily in Japanese and English? Are your kids learning Japanese in a way that you might be able to learn it with them and sharing in that experience?

Baeocystin 8y ago

>So what do you do? Do you double down on Japanese and try to get some level of fluency and let your dev skill rot? Honest answer, from someone who grew up as a child of a diplomat (and is also a white, mid-40's middle-aged man)- this isn't even close to an even question. Push your language training as hard as you possibly can. Linguistic and cultural competency will gain you access to not only the people of the country you live in, but will also gain you the ability to better understand your children as they grow up in a Japanese environment. Compare that to honing, what, experience with some APIs that will be out of favor in half a decade anyway? There's no path forward if you don't speak the language as it is. Focus on the important stuff (communication) first. Dev skills can be resharpened rapidly as needed.

phakding 8y ago

> But here's the thing: As a man -- and especially as a white, English-speaking, North American man -- nobody gives a shit about my problems. I migrated to different country from my birth country as well. You know what, nobody gave a shot about my problems in my home country and nobody does in my adopted country. I am very independent, but few times when I leaned on someone they totally failed me (not intentionally), so I don't even expect anything from anyone. It's libersting to know exactly what I am capable of because there's no one else in the equation.

prawn 8y ago
I think people fail others in that sort of situation because they have to prioritise their own problems first, and they forget a plan to aid another, or run out of time, etc. As you said, self-sufficiency is important, and getting any help from others is a bonus.

movedx 8y ago

It'll be hard, but you'll need to get to N2 grade Japanese skills (business level) to be taken seriously. Look at Japanese Pod 101 - it's pretty good. Don't expect to ever get to N1. Virtually impossible. Also never expect to become a Japanese citizen (i.e. get a passport) or even be accepted in society at large - it won't happen. I know everything I'm saying is negative and just makes me look like a party pooper, but I think you deserve straight forward advice on this front. Good luck.

solatic 8y ago

As an American ex-pat (different country, different language, same shit) - 100% prioritize Japanese fluency. It really will unlock doors for you to speak the native language well, it will reduce your sense of social isolation and eventually make you happier. Seeing other ex-pats here without fluency, their lives are so much more difficult. Not quite as isolating for them, since there's a fairly large English-speaking expat community here, but still, seeing them struggle with the most basic things has given me newfound appreciation for the difficulties that immigrants to the US face while their English skills are weak.

kabacha 8y ago

As other commenters said - learn the bloody language man! I've been living in several countries and while I'm a huge snob when it comes to language the benefits are _insane_, especially when it comes to Asia where english is not that common.

hardwaresofton 8y ago

Hey dunno where you are but there's a local HN meetup in Tokyo: https://hntokyo.doorkeeper.jp/ https://hntokyo.doorkeeper.jp/ Also have a slack you can hang out in @ hntokyo.io While I don't know you personally, I can definitely say I spend too much time trying to swoop in and solve problems when I hear about them, so maybe you'll find something you didn't think of there. Also, it's nice to get out and meet others to at least take your mind off of life for a while and maybe make some beneficial connections. I think the average age might be a little lower than yours but the vast majority seem to be 30+, so it's not all teeny-boppers.