11 ms·

The hardest thing about entrepreneurial success for me personally is the envy it has generated. I wasn't prepared for it. When I first started seeing results i

The hardest thing about entrepreneurial success for me personally is the envy it has generated. I wasn't prepared for it. When I first started seeing results in my business, I quit my job and was able to spend a lot of time doing whatever I wanted. My wife would post pictures of us constantly going on day trips and vacations. It pissed some important people in my life off, and they became very passive aggressive towards me. It's easy for people who haven't experienced it to assume it's easy to ignore, but when your family members start off by criticizing you, then doubting you, then watching you succeed beyond what they could have imagined, they can end up feeling extremely violated. I spent the first two years feeling sorry for myself that so and so wasn't talking to me. Now, I've moved on and am stronger than ever.

beachstartup 12y ago
crabs in a bucket.
- thegenius 12y ago
  It wasn't so simple for me to tell myself that and feel better as I wish it were. For example, one of the people who won't speak to me anymore is a family member who was my biggest hero growing up and the reason why I got into computer programming. I was very angry that he stopped talking to me, and he gave me all sorts of excuses as to why, but his criticisms told the truth of what was really bothering him. Over time, what I've had to accept is that he has limitations, and he's not the hero I had made him out to be. It's takes time coming to terms with reality that way, especially when you thought so highly of the person to begin with.
  - beachstartup 12y ago
    all of that negativity is just a projection of their own disappointment in themselves. real friends will cheer you on. they will be happy for you. if they're struggling, they will seek your advice - "a friend in need is a friend indeed". family does not imply friendship. i know all of this from experience.
    - eloff 12y ago
      I think it just shed light on who were really your friends and who were not.
  - ChrisNorstrom 12y ago
    Please, please please write more of this. This is one of the most fascinating things I've read. I've never heard anyone talk about this aspect of success before.
    - deleted 12y ago
      [deleted]
    - BSousa 12y ago
      I'm not op, but will tell two stories that may interest you. My cousin, mid 30's has FU money. Took him around 8-9 years of hard work (not in technology). He's the guy that buys a 5k rolex (or whatever big brand of watches) for fun. Last 'toy' he got was a 250k euro car for himself to drive maybe 1 month a year (he travels a lot). He is still an amazing person, tries to help people. He will have no problem spending a day with you trying to help fix a problem you may have. He will lend you 5k, no questions asked. My parents try to badmouth him every time they can, and try to bring his accomplishments down at every party/gathering. From insulting his business partner to just saying he is an exploiter of people/resources/whatnot. I noticed his friends, behind his back do the same, even though he throws parties for them, welcomes them in their house, lets them use his pool even when he isn't there. The car I just mention before, he lets anyone drive it if they ask. But still, the envy is there. On a smaller scale, my wife's family and friends. My wife decided to quit her job to raise our kid. I still work, but due a good amount of effort, I'm making a good amount of money. There is no need for my wife to work so we both prefer that she stays with our kid. We also live a decent life (near the beach, pool, etc) but not FU money like my cousin. The amount of flak she gets for our choices is just amazing. From her mother telling her she is kinda useless, to her friends making snide comments about getting a 'rich husband', etc. We never show off, we invite everyone to spend some time with us for free in the summer (saving them 1000's in holiday rentals and food), but still, I can feel the jealousy in them... Hard to explain completely. I never thought this, but last few years what I noticed is in general, people are an envious bunch. A few are really happy for your successes, but most will resent you, because you are doing better than them, or 'showing' to them that some of the decisions they made in the past were the wrong ones, and they can't really come to terms with it, so it is just easier to excuse/criticise you.
ggreer 12y ago
I'm sorry some of your relationships suffered due to your success. I doubt I've been as successful as you, but some people have reacted similarly in my life. I think it can help to view some forms of envy as a mental illness.[1] It's not your fault they're behaving that way, so don't take it personally. If these people are important to you, keep trying to reach out. They might come around eventually. 1. It's important to separate good and bad forms of envy. Bad envy involves wishing misfortune upon someone. Good envy doesn't. Many people envy Elon Musk, but don't wish him any ill and want him to succeed.
- tonyedgecombe 12y ago
  Is there a good form of envy?
- thegenius 12y ago
  I want to comment on this. While many people do envy Elon Musk, you're talking about the ones who admire him, and there is a big difference as you mention before that. I don't know why I'm wired the way I am, but I'm just not susceptible to envy--at all. However, I hardly think that most people successful or otherwise are like me. In fact, I'd say a good bit of successful people are so because of their envy. Envy is the worst of the 7 deadly sins. It's like Charlie Munger says, "It's the only deadly sin you're not going to have any fun with."
  - ggreer 12y ago
    I guess we're using different definitions. By "good envy" I meant wishing you were in the envy-ee's shoes, or at least wanting to live a similar life. I agree that such sentiment can drive people to accomplish more than they otherwise would.
deleted 12y ago
[deleted]
pyre 12y ago
> they can end up feeling extremely violated That is their own personal issue if being proven wrong makes someone feel 'violated'.
ChuckMcM 12y ago
This is also one of the weird things about 'getting rich' (or a rapid change in net worth to the positive). A friend of mine who actually made it out of the dot com era with lots of residual wealth, was retelling a situation where a co-worker asked what he had done over the long weekend; What he had actually done was fly down to the Carribean with his girlfriend and spent the weekend on a sailboat (he lived in Boston). He related that he could say what he had done, but then his co-worker is pissed off because he thinks he his bragging, he can not say anything and get them pissed off about being anti-social, or he can lie about what he did, which when it gets out that it was a lie he gets in trouble too. His take on it was he wasn't going to not do these things because it caused problems, he just wouldn't socialize. When you have kids and your friends don't, they don't want to hear about your kids and yet they are consuming your life. When your an entrepreneur and your friends aren't they don't want to hear about your business and yet your business is all you spend your time on.

beachstartup 12y ago

crabs in a bucket.

thegenius 12y ago
It wasn't so simple for me to tell myself that and feel better as I wish it were. For example, one of the people who won't speak to me anymore is a family member who was my biggest hero growing up and the reason why I got into computer programming. I was very angry that he stopped talking to me, and he gave me all sorts of excuses as to why, but his criticisms told the truth of what was really bothering him. Over time, what I've had to accept is that he has limitations, and he's not the hero I had made him out to be. It's takes time coming to terms with reality that way, especially when you thought so highly of the person to begin with.
- beachstartup 12y ago
  all of that negativity is just a projection of their own disappointment in themselves. real friends will cheer you on. they will be happy for you. if they're struggling, they will seek your advice - "a friend in need is a friend indeed". family does not imply friendship. i know all of this from experience.
  - eloff 12y ago
    I think it just shed light on who were really your friends and who were not.
- ChrisNorstrom 12y ago
  Please, please please write more of this. This is one of the most fascinating things I've read. I've never heard anyone talk about this aspect of success before.
  - deleted 12y ago
    [deleted]
  - BSousa 12y ago
    I'm not op, but will tell two stories that may interest you. My cousin, mid 30's has FU money. Took him around 8-9 years of hard work (not in technology). He's the guy that buys a 5k rolex (or whatever big brand of watches) for fun. Last 'toy' he got was a 250k euro car for himself to drive maybe 1 month a year (he travels a lot). He is still an amazing person, tries to help people. He will have no problem spending a day with you trying to help fix a problem you may have. He will lend you 5k, no questions asked. My parents try to badmouth him every time they can, and try to bring his accomplishments down at every party/gathering. From insulting his business partner to just saying he is an exploiter of people/resources/whatnot. I noticed his friends, behind his back do the same, even though he throws parties for them, welcomes them in their house, lets them use his pool even when he isn't there. The car I just mention before, he lets anyone drive it if they ask. But still, the envy is there. On a smaller scale, my wife's family and friends. My wife decided to quit her job to raise our kid. I still work, but due a good amount of effort, I'm making a good amount of money. There is no need for my wife to work so we both prefer that she stays with our kid. We also live a decent life (near the beach, pool, etc) but not FU money like my cousin. The amount of flak she gets for our choices is just amazing. From her mother telling her she is kinda useless, to her friends making snide comments about getting a 'rich husband', etc. We never show off, we invite everyone to spend some time with us for free in the summer (saving them 1000's in holiday rentals and food), but still, I can feel the jealousy in them... Hard to explain completely. I never thought this, but last few years what I noticed is in general, people are an envious bunch. A few are really happy for your successes, but most will resent you, because you are doing better than them, or 'showing' to them that some of the decisions they made in the past were the wrong ones, and they can't really come to terms with it, so it is just easier to excuse/criticise you.

ggreer 12y ago

I'm sorry some of your relationships suffered due to your success. I doubt I've been as successful as you, but some people have reacted similarly in my life. I think it can help to view some forms of envy as a mental illness.[1] It's not your fault they're behaving that way, so don't take it personally. If these people are important to you, keep trying to reach out. They might come around eventually. 1. It's important to separate good and bad forms of envy. Bad envy involves wishing misfortune upon someone. Good envy doesn't. Many people envy Elon Musk, but don't wish him any ill and want him to succeed.

tonyedgecombe 12y ago
Is there a good form of envy?
thegenius 12y ago
I want to comment on this. While many people do envy Elon Musk, you're talking about the ones who admire him, and there is a big difference as you mention before that. I don't know why I'm wired the way I am, but I'm just not susceptible to envy--at all. However, I hardly think that most people successful or otherwise are like me. In fact, I'd say a good bit of successful people are so because of their envy. Envy is the worst of the 7 deadly sins. It's like Charlie Munger says, "It's the only deadly sin you're not going to have any fun with."
- ggreer 12y ago
  I guess we're using different definitions. By "good envy" I meant wishing you were in the envy-ee's shoes, or at least wanting to live a similar life. I agree that such sentiment can drive people to accomplish more than they otherwise would.

deleted 12y ago

[deleted]

pyre 12y ago

> they can end up feeling extremely violated That is their own personal issue if being proven wrong makes someone feel 'violated'.

ChuckMcM 12y ago

This is also one of the weird things about 'getting rich' (or a rapid change in net worth to the positive). A friend of mine who actually made it out of the dot com era with lots of residual wealth, was retelling a situation where a co-worker asked what he had done over the long weekend; What he had actually done was fly down to the Carribean with his girlfriend and spent the weekend on a sailboat (he lived in Boston). He related that he could say what he had done, but then his co-worker is pissed off because he thinks he his bragging, he can not say anything and get them pissed off about being anti-social, or he can lie about what he did, which when it gets out that it was a lie he gets in trouble too. His take on it was he wasn't going to not do these things because it caused problems, he just wouldn't socialize. When you have kids and your friends don't, they don't want to hear about your kids and yet they are consuming your life. When your an entrepreneur and your friends aren't they don't want to hear about your business and yet your business is all you spend your time on.