you need: 1) less text (as others have mentioned) and 2) a punchline. Perhaps involving a scenario where the programmer tells the boss that he's using SQL in

you need: 1) less text (as others have mentioned) and 2) a punchline. Perhaps involving a scenario where the programmer tells the boss that he's using SQL in Excel, causing the boss to irrationally fear that powerful programs are breeding with each other (from which the only logical conclusion is Skynet), and he starts making preparations for an apocalypse-grade bunker while the programmer is trying to reassure him that it's merely some awesome product that will blow his wig off when he buys a copy. In my humble opinion, you need to have some sort of engaging scenario that will keep people reading through the pitch, and then you need to pay off with a punchline.