8 ms·

Being alone

177 points by neodude 13y ago

rb2k_ 13y ago
I'll be moving from Germany to Boston in a month, one of the things that I'm looking forward to is the chance to enjoy this process of "being alone" and "Pushing back on discomfort". As much as I enjoy the company of my friends, having complete freedom and no accountability to anybody also has its advantages :) That being said, cities like SF/Boston/New York/... make it easy to keep "alone" from turning into "lonely". I couldn't imagine doing the same in the far out suburbs.
- marcosdumay 13y ago
  > I couldn't imagine doing the same in the far out suburbs. Well, I don't know the US suburbs, but as a rule, the smaller the place, the easier it is to know people.
  - VLM 13y ago
    Its just mindless burb-bashing, doesn't mean a thing. I can assure you that a school campus in a big city isn't all that different than a school campus in a small city. Ditto museums, bars, concerts, whatever. They'll be some cultural offset what with the people being richer and the surroundings being somewhat more civilized, but its usually not a big deal. The huge hang up is getting confused about geography. In a big city, nearly every street corner has a bar, restaurant, "something". So you get a hangup that what makes a city friendly somehow has something to do with street intersections or panhandlers or something, not the bar/museum/whatever found at those intersections. Then you visit a suburb and decide to socialize so you've learned that means finding a street intersection, so you stand at a random corner in your subdivision and ... nothing happens. That's because you need to go to a bar or park or cultural activity, not the mere street intersection. Its confusing correlation with causation. I had fun; there's a homeless dude living in the alley; therefore you can't have fun without a homeless dude in the alley. Um no not really.
    - rb2k_ 13y ago
      Nah, it's just that I've lived in suburbs and big cities. I enjoy tech meetups. Suburbs don't have them. It's just a numbers game of finding likeminded people. If your interest is a 1 in 1000 thing, you will find a few people in a city with a million inhabitants, with 5000 you probably won't
  - rb2k_ 13y ago
    I don't want to get to know random people, I want to get to know a certain subset of people that share my interests.
- lemonberry 13y ago
  Do yourself a favor and visit Portsmouth, NH after you are acclimated to Boston or just need a reprieve from big city life. It's a smallish city with a great bar and restaurant scene. If you are into history there are also some wonderful opportunities to explore as well. Be warned, however, New Englander's can come off cold compared to people from other parts of the country. We make great friends but it takes awhile to get there.
  - GrinningFool 13y ago
    When I was living in NE, I was still 'the new kid from up the road' for five years ;) I'd love to get back though, NE is my favorite among many places lived on the East coast.
  - replicatorblog 13y ago
    Are you based in Portsmouth? I'm a fellow Granite State techie, always excited to hear of others!
    - lemonberry 13y ago
      I live in Wakefield but have worked in Portsmouth for a long time and spend most of my time there. Just breaking into the tech sector now. I'm a big fan of New Hampshire and New England in general.
  - rb2k_ 13y ago
    I'm from Germany. As much as New Englanders hate to hear it, you guys are all warm and welcoming in comparison.
spennino 13y ago
Now no one has an excuse not to come to the next Watsi / Teespring party!
- allforJesse 13y ago
  New trend: Deep thinking must be done at parties. But by yourself.
Muzza 13y ago
> As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege. One part of this privilege is the ability to make aloneness a choice; rarely, if at all, in our society will I be forced into aloneness because I’m different. What a completely absurd thing to say.
tazjin 13y ago
Stopped reading after > Preface: As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege I wasn't actually aware people outside of the Tumblrverse said things like that. (Over on Reddit there is /r/TumblrInAction for things like this)
- angersock 13y ago
  Despite the rather silly checking of privilege at the beginning of the article, it's kind of sweet read (like, "dawwww :3").
- jskopek 13y ago
  Do you disagree with the author? Depending on where you live, his point is very valid. As a resident of Canada, I feel that I live in a fairly progressive, culturally diverse society. Yet even here, I have heard friends of different ethnicities complain about racial issues. Not all racial or gender divisions are obvious; exclusion or denial of privilege is harder to spot.
  - sp332 13y ago
    There's a big difference in perspective between saying "the majority is privileged" and saying "the minority is disadvantaged". When the majority is heterosexual, white, and "cis-gendered", isn't that the baseline instead of privileged?
    - shinratdr 13y ago
      That depends entirely on the direction you're observing from.
      - sp332 13y ago
        Let's say things are set up to pander to the majority, even when it puts a minority at a disadvantage. What is the argument for making things harder for the majority, to equalize things for the minority? On average, society would come out worse, so you'd have to argue that equality itself is more valuable than any advantage for the majority.
themoonbus 13y ago
This reads like a talk that someone would give at orientation in college... does the tech community in SF really need this much help socializing?
- Yhippa 13y ago
  I am thinking the same things. At some point you have to make friends from scratch. They aren't just given to you. As for the "doing things alone" I've noticed that people don't like doing that. Traveling, going to see a movie, or attending an event all seem to be things that have a stigma attached to doing them solo.
  - VLM 13y ago
    Example #4 Going to a restaurant Example #5 Going to a park, especially an "improved" park with kids playground and you're a dude. Example #6 Wilderness hiking (although this is really a safety issue, and as a lifelong hiker I assure you your local hiking club is a fantastic way to meet people)
  - TillE 13y ago
    Really? I'd say eating at a restaurant alone is unusual (carry a notepad and pretend you're a critic), but going to a rock concert or traveling alone is very normal. You meet tons of solo travelers in their 20s or 30s at hostels across Europe.
  - fotbr 13y ago
    People (in general) don't like OTHER people doing that. They assume that the person going solo is lonely, sad, and is generally someone to be pitied, mocked, or both. The stigma is not attached by the people going solo, it's attached by everyone else.
    - smacktoward 13y ago
      Assuming that's true -- so what? Who cares what a bunch of people you'll never see or talk to again in your life think about you? It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said (more or less: http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-inferior/ http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-inferior/): "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not doing something you want to do because "they'll all laugh at me" is you giving your consent to being made to feel inferior. Their opinion only matters because you make it matter, by caring about it enough to let it stop you from doing something you want to do. You may feel like their opinion puts shackles around your ankles, but really the shackles only exist in your mind. Stop believing in them and they disappear.
johnrob 13y ago
I've come to enjoy many aspects of going out in the world alone (most are simply the effect of removing the 'distraction' of company): - Much greater awareness of other people and surroundings. - Great opportunity to take stock of what is good/bad in your life (for some reason it's easier to do this outside the house). - Bursts of creativity (hint: this is a great way to fight writer's block). These are just the ones I can think of at the moment. One piece of advice for anyone who feels self conscious when alone: since everyone else is amongst friends, they probably won't even notice you. We naturally assume our increased awareness (due to being alone!) is shared by everyone around us - that's not the case though.
- jrs99 13y ago
  you could easily have known someone that left early.
fit2rule 13y ago
One of the best things I've ever done for myself is pack up and move to another country - just to get out of the cultural bubble we all get wrapped up in. Culture is nothing but a bunch of lies; when you shift from one to the other and give yourself a reset, you see just how much this brings to bear on the individual. Eventually, dealing with a foreign language and strange people can be quite enlightening, if you treat the exercise as a means of rejuvenating your ability to respect the peace and quiet you'll get, at least for the first year. I've done it a couple times now, having no real affinity with national identity, but I sure do love the cooking and language I've managed to collect. And finally, real experience with the people of the world, not just My Own Team™ ..
- danpat 13y ago
  This absolutely mirrors my own experience.
  - sdfjkl 13y ago
    Mine as well. It will change you for live, and from my experience meeting other expats, I think for the better. You get a whole new perspective on both origin and destination countries. Even if you go back after a few years, you'll be changed. No, going somewhere on holiday for a few weeks/months is not the same. You have to live and make a living there.
- vijayr 13y ago
  Where did you move from, and which countries did you move to?
  - fit2rule 13y ago
    Australia->America->Japan->England->Germany->Austria. Very 'western' I know, but nevertheless, lots of culture got stripped away, new layers added, and underneath it all I found myself. Soon as my kids get a bit older, we'll probably move to Peru.
- HeyLaughingBoy 13y ago
Demiurge 13y ago
So, is Twitter or Facebook the only way to get randomly invited to a party with your social compatibility? Is privacy equivalent to aloneness nowdays?
Touche 13y ago
> When alone in a sea of strangers, no such frameworks exist, so change is easier — we can experiment with who we are and how we act. We can construct a new identity framework for every new conversation we have. We can try being someone else. This is very true, and why I find myself most comfortable around people I don't know, especially if there is no expectation that I'm going to ever talk to them again. It's very freeing to be able to be your absolute self with no baggage or expectations. Whenever I'm around friends I've had since high school I find myself acting very different than I normally do, in order to maintain that identity framework I've built for them. It takes a little while to slide into that identity but once I do I'm fairly comfortable. I really struggle around casual acquaintances. I just don't know what to say to these people. We already know each other well enough, but without a desire to become close friends with them you're stuck simply refreshing each other on what you've been up to.
ibejoeb 13y ago
> I might stand in a corner by myself staring awkwardly at my phone Word of advice to anyone who might be anxious going out alone: don't bring your phone. If you're just going to distract yourself with it because you feel less awkward, you might as well stay home, because you're depriving yourself of the opportunity to notice what's going on. If you just go and actually pay attention, there will be opportunities to participate. --- I want to amend this because I feel like it might come across as a little hostile, but that's not the intention. A few points on the reasoning: * A party will have a host, and it's his job to integrate you. You shouldn't really have to work that hard. Find the host and he'll try to get you involved. * There are guests that will do the same. If I'm out with a group, I'll happily involve a newcomer. * Both of these fall apart if you walk in and immediately look disinterested. I'm not going to approach a person on his phone. In my head, he's either temporarily busy or doesn't want to be there, and I'm not going to risk being an ass and interrupting on the off chance that you're just shy. (I've got better ways of looking like an ass.) If you can't resist the temptation to delve into your phone, you're not genuinely putting yourself out there.
- sdfjkl 13y ago
  I'd probably need my phone just to be able to find the place.
  - saraid216 13y ago
    So turn it off and stow it when you get there.
Nilzor 13y ago
What does he mean with "When we’re alone, we’ve been conditioned by society to believe that we should stay alone."? I waiting for an explanation in the article but it never came
dkokelley 13y ago
I have a technique for when I'm alone in a large social setting. Find other alone people. It's not hard to spot them if you're looking, and in most cases they will appreciate the friendliness. This works especially well in a situation like a networking event or large party where it is unlikely that attendees will know everyone else.
- josefresco 13y ago
  "It's not hard to spot them if you're looking" This scares the shit out of the socially awkward or those the article is referring to. When entering a situation where I know almost no one, I always try to comfort myself by repeating things like "not everyone is looking at you" and "you are just like everyone else here". However often times I take your advice and seek out other seemingly alone people and you're right, they're usually easy to spot .. if you're looking.
  - rcknight 13y ago
    Both of these statements can be true ... if you specifically look around for people who are by themselves, they are easy to spot ... but the majority of people are not looking!
  - tekalon 13y ago
    I have to agree. With my social anxiety I tend to be internally thinking 'Why are you talking to me, when can I get out of here'
- throwmeaway2525 13y ago
  Can't I upvote this twice? (It's the sort of comment that makes wading through a morass of negativity worthwhile.)
- sjtgraham 13y ago
  That's a great tip.
- nollidge 13y ago
  My go-to icebreaker is "so, how do you know {party_host}?" Then share with them how you know {party_host}. That establishes a few things: 1) Instant connection - we both know {party_host} 2) You learn a detail about them (occupation, hobby, hometown) 3) They learn a detail about you 4) You've told someone why you're there, so then you won't feel like everyone's questioning your presence 5) You've got a starting point for talking to more people (introduce this person to someone else you know, and/or they'll do likewise)
forsaken 13y ago
A fantastic video along the same lines: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
Adamantite 13y ago
If you're a participant of social media, namely Twitter or Facebook, reciprocating with people on the Internet, you run a popular blog, and you're the guy on this page by the same name: https://getclef.com/company https://getclef.com/company You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real loneliness is. You're just a hipster who thinks they're alone, so you can write a blog post about it and get views. I doubt there are any actual lonely people in San Francisco or Oakland who work at a start up. After all, isn't that why you moved there despite how expensive it is? It's a glorious hub of youth and social activity, that's why you moved there. Don't bullshit with real loneliness.
- wbobeirne 13y ago
  > You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real loneliness is. Did you even read the article? He addresses your first point in the beginning, and your second point at the end of the article. No bullshitting here.
- farinasa 13y ago
  How easy it must be to dismiss someone based solely on their physical characteristics. Isn't this the very thing your rant aims to protest, namely, discrimination?
birken 13y ago
I feel this is something that happens when people work at startups, especially early stage ones. There is such pressure to work with your small team and put all your time and effort into this startup (like all of the people who brag about working 80 or 100 weeks --- or the OP mentioning taking a nap at the office on friday night), that you are really sacrificing opportunity to build or maintain friendships with a wider group of people. There is nothing wrong with having 3 friends and doing a lot of stuff alone, however it also doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be. Do you have any old college buddies who live in SF? Email them and ask to meet up for a beer. If you are interested in dating, go on okcupid. If you like playing sports, join an intramural sports team. If you like bar trivia, just go to your local trivia night and find a team of random people to join. All of these things take time and effort, but they will result in a larger, more diverse, group of friends. The truth is this is probably negative value for ones startup. Giving 100% of your effort to a startup will probably make it more successful than giving it 80%. But you only get one life, and perhaps more friends and a less successful startup might make somebody happier.
- jessepollak 13y ago
  This is complicated for me because I'm not 21 just yet, so I bars and dating are often out. And all my college friends are still in school, so those friends don't exist yet. :) Regardless, the point still stands: finding balance is important. Really, although I didn't explicitly say it when I wrote this, this piece was a lot about finding that balance. For the first time in awhile, I broke away from the people I spend 99% of my time with. I started out alone and lonely, but by the end it wasn't so bad anymore. I wasn't constrained by the settings/people/activities that I've become so used to. I went to the Watsi party, I did a scavenger hunt with strangers, and I made a bunch of new friends. It was refreshing.
  - birken 13y ago
    That is great. That is basically the point I am trying to make, which is that you should allocate some percentage of your time and energy to meet new people, which I think in particular in the startup world is not necessarily encouraged as much as it should be. However it sounds like you are well on your way :)
nowarninglabel 13y ago
As a socially awkward individual, I couldn't think of a better place to get out in public then at Watsi / Teespring / Goldbelly HQ. Chase, Netta, Grace, and the whole Watsi team are super awesome people and passionate about what they are doing. At their office warming party they had an office naming contest which got people talking/connected, have to wonder what ended up being the winning name?
- gracegarey 13y ago
  My favorite was Noplu (North of Plum) but the debate rages on :)
jyrkesh 13y ago
Can't really comment on the startup side of things seeing as I'm still in university, but having recently done an internship in a town where I knew no one and going back to school and moving into a place with no roommates for the first time, I've been forced into environments where absolutely no one is encouraging me to go out or meet people or have fun. It's unbelievably easy to stay in and watch Netflix, have a couple beers, and stay inside. Having a large house to myself every single night (after a long bout of having many roommates), I often feel relaxed to be away from everyone, but it can also be very stifling: the silence, the lack of movement, the lack of anything but noise through headphones. I'm typically very busy during the day, so nightlife is my primary means of social activity. When I show up to parties, it's usually alone, and that's something I've had to adjust to. I go to bars, often alone, and I turn my phone off and strike up conversations. At first, it's incredibly difficult, but over time it becomes more fun. Over the summer, this culminated in my attending multiple music festivals where I spent a majority of the day having a blast in a group of complete strangers, most of whom I will likely never see again. But that's now a shared experience that I never would have just watching Netflix. One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to marginalize you as some sort of loner. I have plenty of very close friends, and I do my best to spend time with them, but embracing being alone has almost made me less alone in many cases.
- sblawrie 13y ago
  'One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to marginalize you as some sort of loner.' I've actually had the opposite experience. Sometimes I'll go to bars by myself just to hit on girls. When your friends aren't around to watch, it reduces the downside and fear of rejection. Usually, if it's going well, I'll tell her I'm there by myself, and they tend to be impressed I had the confidence to go out by myself and approach them.
  - theorique 13y ago
iamleppert 13y ago
While reading this I couldn't help but feel sorry for this guy. What a depressing and uninspiring life to pour all your energy into one thing and at the same time sacrifice some of the best years of your life. For what? A start-up and the promise of becoming rich or tech famous? We are all social creatures. The inability to be social is most definitely a problem, and leading a lifestyle that deprives you of a stimulating, diverse group of friends is damaging and unsustainable. I'm happy this guy ventured out into an unfamiliar social situation. People are often afraid of doing stuff like this because they think it will be uncomfortable. And, indeed, sometimes it is. However, that doesn't mean you need to become anti-social.
robertnealan 13y ago
A few summers back I opted to ride my bike back to San Francisco from Washington DC rather than fly. Everyone thought it was crazy to do it alone (and I secretly agreed), but in reality it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Over those 2 1/2 months I met countless people, slept on numerous strangers' couches, and made more friends than any other period of my life (several of whom I still keep in regular contact). It was awkward and it was comfortable, but it was an experience I'd encourage anybody interested to take. Like Jesse said, acting Y around someone whose used to you acting X can cause reason for concern and alarm. When you're alone you don't have those checks/balances and can really evaluate who you are without the boundaries that persist in your normal social circle. "Aloneness" can be uncomfortable and confusing, but rewarding if you manage to wade through it all. On the flipside I regretfully now tend to cause awkward situations by being too casual with people I've just met. Whoops?
lemonberry 13y ago
Good for you for breaking out of your comfort zone. It's not easy to do. But with practice just about anything gets easier. I'm naturally very social and "good with people" so this is rarely a problem I experience. I have, however, coached friends on interacting with others. A few points to consider for anyone that finds social interactions difficult: 1. breathe - sounds so obvious, but people tense up 2. listen 2. ask questions of others and be interested 3. listen 4. humility - don't try to impress everyone Again, nice work for getting out there.
epsylon 13y ago
> Aloneness is not loneliness Isn't "aloneness" what English-speaking people usually call solitude?
pearjuice 13y ago
I come to HN for intriguing, inspiring and educative news/items followed by proper discussion. For the life of me I fail to comprehend why this diary-blog-post managed to get, at the time of writing, 144 points and still not have a [dead] tag prepended to it. This is Hacker News. Not Tumblr-privilege-core. The only thing related to HN I could find in that entire article was Watsi. And then even that was taken downhill by appending "party" to it.
- DanBC 13y ago
  Social isolation and difficulty in meeting people are going to be problems for some people on HN. > For the life of me I fail to comprehend [...] You just failed to spot the market opportunity, the problem that people have that needs to be solved.
mrwnmonm 13y ago
i have a problem with people also, i have something like a thread running trying to analysing everything the other person is saying but not in a normal way, i just don't feel comfort, it like a threat i should defend by thinking very quickly, anyone else have this problem?
nutela 13y ago
Very good write up. Esp. about the identies framework. When you are feeling not really yourself it's time to explore! Best is when the sence of self dissapears, look how many friends you make then :-)

177 points by neodude 13y ago

rb2k_ 13y ago

I'll be moving from Germany to Boston in a month, one of the things that I'm looking forward to is the chance to enjoy this process of "being alone" and "Pushing back on discomfort". As much as I enjoy the company of my friends, having complete freedom and no accountability to anybody also has its advantages :) That being said, cities like SF/Boston/New York/... make it easy to keep "alone" from turning into "lonely". I couldn't imagine doing the same in the far out suburbs.

marcosdumay 13y ago
> I couldn't imagine doing the same in the far out suburbs. Well, I don't know the US suburbs, but as a rule, the smaller the place, the easier it is to know people.
- VLM 13y ago
  Its just mindless burb-bashing, doesn't mean a thing. I can assure you that a school campus in a big city isn't all that different than a school campus in a small city. Ditto museums, bars, concerts, whatever. They'll be some cultural offset what with the people being richer and the surroundings being somewhat more civilized, but its usually not a big deal. The huge hang up is getting confused about geography. In a big city, nearly every street corner has a bar, restaurant, "something". So you get a hangup that what makes a city friendly somehow has something to do with street intersections or panhandlers or something, not the bar/museum/whatever found at those intersections. Then you visit a suburb and decide to socialize so you've learned that means finding a street intersection, so you stand at a random corner in your subdivision and ... nothing happens. That's because you need to go to a bar or park or cultural activity, not the mere street intersection. Its confusing correlation with causation. I had fun; there's a homeless dude living in the alley; therefore you can't have fun without a homeless dude in the alley. Um no not really.
  - rb2k_ 13y ago
    Nah, it's just that I've lived in suburbs and big cities. I enjoy tech meetups. Suburbs don't have them. It's just a numbers game of finding likeminded people. If your interest is a 1 in 1000 thing, you will find a few people in a city with a million inhabitants, with 5000 you probably won't
- rb2k_ 13y ago
  I don't want to get to know random people, I want to get to know a certain subset of people that share my interests.
lemonberry 13y ago
Do yourself a favor and visit Portsmouth, NH after you are acclimated to Boston or just need a reprieve from big city life. It's a smallish city with a great bar and restaurant scene. If you are into history there are also some wonderful opportunities to explore as well. Be warned, however, New Englander's can come off cold compared to people from other parts of the country. We make great friends but it takes awhile to get there.
- GrinningFool 13y ago
  When I was living in NE, I was still 'the new kid from up the road' for five years ;) I'd love to get back though, NE is my favorite among many places lived on the East coast.
- replicatorblog 13y ago
  Are you based in Portsmouth? I'm a fellow Granite State techie, always excited to hear of others!
  - lemonberry 13y ago
    I live in Wakefield but have worked in Portsmouth for a long time and spend most of my time there. Just breaking into the tech sector now. I'm a big fan of New Hampshire and New England in general.
- rb2k_ 13y ago
  I'm from Germany. As much as New Englanders hate to hear it, you guys are all warm and welcoming in comparison.

spennino 13y ago

Now no one has an excuse not to come to the next Watsi / Teespring party!

allforJesse 13y ago
New trend: Deep thinking must be done at parties. But by yourself.

Muzza 13y ago

> As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege. One part of this privilege is the ability to make aloneness a choice; rarely, if at all, in our society will I be forced into aloneness because I’m different. What a completely absurd thing to say.

tazjin 13y ago

Stopped reading after > Preface: As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege I wasn't actually aware people outside of the Tumblrverse said things like that. (Over on Reddit there is /r/TumblrInAction for things like this)

angersock 13y ago
Despite the rather silly checking of privilege at the beginning of the article, it's kind of sweet read (like, "dawwww :3").
jskopek 13y ago
Do you disagree with the author? Depending on where you live, his point is very valid. As a resident of Canada, I feel that I live in a fairly progressive, culturally diverse society. Yet even here, I have heard friends of different ethnicities complain about racial issues. Not all racial or gender divisions are obvious; exclusion or denial of privilege is harder to spot.
- sp332 13y ago
  There's a big difference in perspective between saying "the majority is privileged" and saying "the minority is disadvantaged". When the majority is heterosexual, white, and "cis-gendered", isn't that the baseline instead of privileged?
  - shinratdr 13y ago
    That depends entirely on the direction you're observing from.
    - sp332 13y ago
      Let's say things are set up to pander to the majority, even when it puts a minority at a disadvantage. What is the argument for making things harder for the majority, to equalize things for the minority? On average, society would come out worse, so you'd have to argue that equality itself is more valuable than any advantage for the majority.

themoonbus 13y ago

This reads like a talk that someone would give at orientation in college... does the tech community in SF really need this much help socializing?

Yhippa 13y ago
I am thinking the same things. At some point you have to make friends from scratch. They aren't just given to you. As for the "doing things alone" I've noticed that people don't like doing that. Traveling, going to see a movie, or attending an event all seem to be things that have a stigma attached to doing them solo.
- VLM 13y ago
  Example #4 Going to a restaurant Example #5 Going to a park, especially an "improved" park with kids playground and you're a dude. Example #6 Wilderness hiking (although this is really a safety issue, and as a lifelong hiker I assure you your local hiking club is a fantastic way to meet people)
- TillE 13y ago
  Really? I'd say eating at a restaurant alone is unusual (carry a notepad and pretend you're a critic), but going to a rock concert or traveling alone is very normal. You meet tons of solo travelers in their 20s or 30s at hostels across Europe.
- fotbr 13y ago
  People (in general) don't like OTHER people doing that. They assume that the person going solo is lonely, sad, and is generally someone to be pitied, mocked, or both. The stigma is not attached by the people going solo, it's attached by everyone else.
  - smacktoward 13y ago
    Assuming that's true -- so what? Who cares what a bunch of people you'll never see or talk to again in your life think about you? It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said (more or less: http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-inferior/ http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/03/30/not-inferior/): "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not doing something you want to do because "they'll all laugh at me" is you giving your consent to being made to feel inferior. Their opinion only matters because you make it matter, by caring about it enough to let it stop you from doing something you want to do. You may feel like their opinion puts shackles around your ankles, but really the shackles only exist in your mind. Stop believing in them and they disappear.

johnrob 13y ago

I've come to enjoy many aspects of going out in the world alone (most are simply the effect of removing the 'distraction' of company): - Much greater awareness of other people and surroundings. - Great opportunity to take stock of what is good/bad in your life (for some reason it's easier to do this outside the house). - Bursts of creativity (hint: this is a great way to fight writer's block). These are just the ones I can think of at the moment. One piece of advice for anyone who feels self conscious when alone: since everyone else is amongst friends, they probably won't even notice you. We naturally assume our increased awareness (due to being alone!) is shared by everyone around us - that's not the case though.

jrs99 13y ago
you could easily have known someone that left early.

fit2rule 13y ago

One of the best things I've ever done for myself is pack up and move to another country - just to get out of the cultural bubble we all get wrapped up in. Culture is nothing but a bunch of lies; when you shift from one to the other and give yourself a reset, you see just how much this brings to bear on the individual. Eventually, dealing with a foreign language and strange people can be quite enlightening, if you treat the exercise as a means of rejuvenating your ability to respect the peace and quiet you'll get, at least for the first year. I've done it a couple times now, having no real affinity with national identity, but I sure do love the cooking and language I've managed to collect. And finally, real experience with the people of the world, not just My Own Team™ ..

danpat 13y ago
This absolutely mirrors my own experience.
- sdfjkl 13y ago
  Mine as well. It will change you for live, and from my experience meeting other expats, I think for the better. You get a whole new perspective on both origin and destination countries. Even if you go back after a few years, you'll be changed. No, going somewhere on holiday for a few weeks/months is not the same. You have to live and make a living there.
vijayr 13y ago
Where did you move from, and which countries did you move to?
- fit2rule 13y ago
  Australia->America->Japan->England->Germany->Austria. Very 'western' I know, but nevertheless, lots of culture got stripped away, new layers added, and underneath it all I found myself. Soon as my kids get a bit older, we'll probably move to Peru.
HeyLaughingBoy 13y ago

Demiurge 13y ago

So, is Twitter or Facebook the only way to get randomly invited to a party with your social compatibility? Is privacy equivalent to aloneness nowdays?

Touche 13y ago

> When alone in a sea of strangers, no such frameworks exist, so change is easier — we can experiment with who we are and how we act. We can construct a new identity framework for every new conversation we have. We can try being someone else. This is very true, and why I find myself most comfortable around people I don't know, especially if there is no expectation that I'm going to ever talk to them again. It's very freeing to be able to be your absolute self with no baggage or expectations. Whenever I'm around friends I've had since high school I find myself acting very different than I normally do, in order to maintain that identity framework I've built for them. It takes a little while to slide into that identity but once I do I'm fairly comfortable. I really struggle around casual acquaintances. I just don't know what to say to these people. We already know each other well enough, but without a desire to become close friends with them you're stuck simply refreshing each other on what you've been up to.

ibejoeb 13y ago

> I might stand in a corner by myself staring awkwardly at my phone Word of advice to anyone who might be anxious going out alone: don't bring your phone. If you're just going to distract yourself with it because you feel less awkward, you might as well stay home, because you're depriving yourself of the opportunity to notice what's going on. If you just go and actually pay attention, there will be opportunities to participate. --- I want to amend this because I feel like it might come across as a little hostile, but that's not the intention. A few points on the reasoning: * A party will have a host, and it's his job to integrate you. You shouldn't really have to work that hard. Find the host and he'll try to get you involved. * There are guests that will do the same. If I'm out with a group, I'll happily involve a newcomer. * Both of these fall apart if you walk in and immediately look disinterested. I'm not going to approach a person on his phone. In my head, he's either temporarily busy or doesn't want to be there, and I'm not going to risk being an ass and interrupting on the off chance that you're just shy. (I've got better ways of looking like an ass.) If you can't resist the temptation to delve into your phone, you're not genuinely putting yourself out there.

sdfjkl 13y ago
I'd probably need my phone just to be able to find the place.
- saraid216 13y ago
  So turn it off and stow it when you get there.

Nilzor 13y ago

What does he mean with "When we’re alone, we’ve been conditioned by society to believe that we should stay alone."? I waiting for an explanation in the article but it never came

dkokelley 13y ago

I have a technique for when I'm alone in a large social setting. Find other alone people. It's not hard to spot them if you're looking, and in most cases they will appreciate the friendliness. This works especially well in a situation like a networking event or large party where it is unlikely that attendees will know everyone else.

josefresco 13y ago
"It's not hard to spot them if you're looking" This scares the shit out of the socially awkward or those the article is referring to. When entering a situation where I know almost no one, I always try to comfort myself by repeating things like "not everyone is looking at you" and "you are just like everyone else here". However often times I take your advice and seek out other seemingly alone people and you're right, they're usually easy to spot .. if you're looking.
- rcknight 13y ago
  Both of these statements can be true ... if you specifically look around for people who are by themselves, they are easy to spot ... but the majority of people are not looking!
- tekalon 13y ago
  I have to agree. With my social anxiety I tend to be internally thinking 'Why are you talking to me, when can I get out of here'
throwmeaway2525 13y ago
Can't I upvote this twice? (It's the sort of comment that makes wading through a morass of negativity worthwhile.)
sjtgraham 13y ago
That's a great tip.
nollidge 13y ago
My go-to icebreaker is "so, how do you know {party_host}?" Then share with them how you know {party_host}. That establishes a few things: 1) Instant connection - we both know {party_host} 2) You learn a detail about them (occupation, hobby, hometown) 3) They learn a detail about you 4) You've told someone why you're there, so then you won't feel like everyone's questioning your presence 5) You've got a starting point for talking to more people (introduce this person to someone else you know, and/or they'll do likewise)

forsaken 13y ago

A fantastic video along the same lines: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Adamantite 13y ago

If you're a participant of social media, namely Twitter or Facebook, reciprocating with people on the Internet, you run a popular blog, and you're the guy on this page by the same name: https://getclef.com/company https://getclef.com/company You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real loneliness is. You're just a hipster who thinks they're alone, so you can write a blog post about it and get views. I doubt there are any actual lonely people in San Francisco or Oakland who work at a start up. After all, isn't that why you moved there despite how expensive it is? It's a glorious hub of youth and social activity, that's why you moved there. Don't bullshit with real loneliness.

wbobeirne 13y ago
> You're not alone. You're privileged. You probably don't even know what real loneliness is. Did you even read the article? He addresses your first point in the beginning, and your second point at the end of the article. No bullshitting here.
farinasa 13y ago
How easy it must be to dismiss someone based solely on their physical characteristics. Isn't this the very thing your rant aims to protest, namely, discrimination?

birken 13y ago

I feel this is something that happens when people work at startups, especially early stage ones. There is such pressure to work with your small team and put all your time and effort into this startup (like all of the people who brag about working 80 or 100 weeks --- or the OP mentioning taking a nap at the office on friday night), that you are really sacrificing opportunity to build or maintain friendships with a wider group of people. There is nothing wrong with having 3 friends and doing a lot of stuff alone, however it also doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be. Do you have any old college buddies who live in SF? Email them and ask to meet up for a beer. If you are interested in dating, go on okcupid. If you like playing sports, join an intramural sports team. If you like bar trivia, just go to your local trivia night and find a team of random people to join. All of these things take time and effort, but they will result in a larger, more diverse, group of friends. The truth is this is probably negative value for ones startup. Giving 100% of your effort to a startup will probably make it more successful than giving it 80%. But you only get one life, and perhaps more friends and a less successful startup might make somebody happier.

jessepollak 13y ago
This is complicated for me because I'm not 21 just yet, so I bars and dating are often out. And all my college friends are still in school, so those friends don't exist yet. :) Regardless, the point still stands: finding balance is important. Really, although I didn't explicitly say it when I wrote this, this piece was a lot about finding that balance. For the first time in awhile, I broke away from the people I spend 99% of my time with. I started out alone and lonely, but by the end it wasn't so bad anymore. I wasn't constrained by the settings/people/activities that I've become so used to. I went to the Watsi party, I did a scavenger hunt with strangers, and I made a bunch of new friends. It was refreshing.
- birken 13y ago
  That is great. That is basically the point I am trying to make, which is that you should allocate some percentage of your time and energy to meet new people, which I think in particular in the startup world is not necessarily encouraged as much as it should be. However it sounds like you are well on your way :)

nowarninglabel 13y ago

As a socially awkward individual, I couldn't think of a better place to get out in public then at Watsi / Teespring / Goldbelly HQ. Chase, Netta, Grace, and the whole Watsi team are super awesome people and passionate about what they are doing. At their office warming party they had an office naming contest which got people talking/connected, have to wonder what ended up being the winning name?

gracegarey 13y ago
My favorite was Noplu (North of Plum) but the debate rages on :)

jyrkesh 13y ago

Can't really comment on the startup side of things seeing as I'm still in university, but having recently done an internship in a town where I knew no one and going back to school and moving into a place with no roommates for the first time, I've been forced into environments where absolutely no one is encouraging me to go out or meet people or have fun. It's unbelievably easy to stay in and watch Netflix, have a couple beers, and stay inside. Having a large house to myself every single night (after a long bout of having many roommates), I often feel relaxed to be away from everyone, but it can also be very stifling: the silence, the lack of movement, the lack of anything but noise through headphones. I'm typically very busy during the day, so nightlife is my primary means of social activity. When I show up to parties, it's usually alone, and that's something I've had to adjust to. I go to bars, often alone, and I turn my phone off and strike up conversations. At first, it's incredibly difficult, but over time it becomes more fun. Over the summer, this culminated in my attending multiple music festivals where I spent a majority of the day having a blast in a group of complete strangers, most of whom I will likely never see again. But that's now a shared experience that I never would have just watching Netflix. One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to marginalize you as some sort of loner. I have plenty of very close friends, and I do my best to spend time with them, but embracing being alone has almost made me less alone in many cases.

sblawrie 13y ago
'One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to marginalize you as some sort of loner.' I've actually had the opposite experience. Sometimes I'll go to bars by myself just to hit on girls. When your friends aren't around to watch, it reduces the downside and fear of rejection. Usually, if it's going well, I'll tell her I'm there by myself, and they tend to be impressed I had the confidence to go out by myself and approach them.
- theorique 13y ago

iamleppert 13y ago

While reading this I couldn't help but feel sorry for this guy. What a depressing and uninspiring life to pour all your energy into one thing and at the same time sacrifice some of the best years of your life. For what? A start-up and the promise of becoming rich or tech famous? We are all social creatures. The inability to be social is most definitely a problem, and leading a lifestyle that deprives you of a stimulating, diverse group of friends is damaging and unsustainable. I'm happy this guy ventured out into an unfamiliar social situation. People are often afraid of doing stuff like this because they think it will be uncomfortable. And, indeed, sometimes it is. However, that doesn't mean you need to become anti-social.

robertnealan 13y ago

A few summers back I opted to ride my bike back to San Francisco from Washington DC rather than fly. Everyone thought it was crazy to do it alone (and I secretly agreed), but in reality it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Over those 2 1/2 months I met countless people, slept on numerous strangers' couches, and made more friends than any other period of my life (several of whom I still keep in regular contact). It was awkward and it was comfortable, but it was an experience I'd encourage anybody interested to take. Like Jesse said, acting Y around someone whose used to you acting X can cause reason for concern and alarm. When you're alone you don't have those checks/balances and can really evaluate who you are without the boundaries that persist in your normal social circle. "Aloneness" can be uncomfortable and confusing, but rewarding if you manage to wade through it all. On the flipside I regretfully now tend to cause awkward situations by being too casual with people I've just met. Whoops?

lemonberry 13y ago

Good for you for breaking out of your comfort zone. It's not easy to do. But with practice just about anything gets easier. I'm naturally very social and "good with people" so this is rarely a problem I experience. I have, however, coached friends on interacting with others. A few points to consider for anyone that finds social interactions difficult: 1. breathe - sounds so obvious, but people tense up 2. listen 2. ask questions of others and be interested 3. listen 4. humility - don't try to impress everyone Again, nice work for getting out there.

epsylon 13y ago

> Aloneness is not loneliness Isn't "aloneness" what English-speaking people usually call solitude?

pearjuice 13y ago

I come to HN for intriguing, inspiring and educative news/items followed by proper discussion. For the life of me I fail to comprehend why this diary-blog-post managed to get, at the time of writing, 144 points and still not have a [dead] tag prepended to it. This is Hacker News. Not Tumblr-privilege-core. The only thing related to HN I could find in that entire article was Watsi. And then even that was taken downhill by appending "party" to it.

DanBC 13y ago
Social isolation and difficulty in meeting people are going to be problems for some people on HN. > For the life of me I fail to comprehend [...] You just failed to spot the market opportunity, the problem that people have that needs to be solved.

mrwnmonm 13y ago

i have a problem with people also, i have something like a thread running trying to analysing everything the other person is saying but not in a normal way, i just don't feel comfort, it like a threat i should defend by thinking very quickly, anyone else have this problem?

nutela 13y ago

Very good write up. Esp. about the identies framework. When you are feeling not really yourself it's time to explore! Best is when the sence of self dissapears, look how many friends you make then :-)