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Surely I'm not the only one who read the screenshotted exchanges and thought: He just told the OP he's waiting for "answers" from the doctor. He can't make tra

Surely I'm not the only one who read the screenshotted exchanges and thought: He just told the OP he's waiting for "answers" from the doctor. He can't make travel plans. He says it's long, gruesome, UGH. Guys. In case you have the social instinct of a cockroach, this is what they call A SIGN. Not a subtle one, either. That is when you LEAP to care for your friend. Here's what you do. You ask: Wait a minute, forget about whatever it is I wanted to talk about -- what's wrong? Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Why don't I come visit you instead of expecting you to travel? Alas, the author just glossed forward with "Well if you decide you can make it, let me know!" The sick (now dead) friend expressed well wishes for health to the OP, only to receive what kind of well wishes in return? None. Not even "good luck with your doctor's visit that I don't want to ask about cuz I'm not comfortable expressing feelings." How self-centered do you have to be to not even wish a friend with obvious health problems "good luck" or "feel better"? > "Now you’re probably thinking I’m a real shitty friend." Yes, but not because you didn't know he died. But because you didn't care enough to notice or ask while he was alive.

knice 13y ago
This was my thought too. The OP's friend seemed to be responding to each communication with leading statements and not once does it elicit a "tell me more" or "Oh goodness Mike, what's wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
sage_joch 13y ago
It seems wrong to say both that he has the "social instinct of a cockroach" and that he's selfish (implying his oversight was a choice). I'm inclined to believe it's the former, given that he is making a post like this. Social instinct is not easy for many programmers, myself included. Your comment almost amounts to assigning blame via the butterfly effect. edit: rewording my first sentence per comment below
- awj 13y ago
  > You can't simultaneously say that he has the "social instinct of a cockroach" and that he's selfish. I'm pretty sure you don't need social skills to be self-centered.
- ahoyhere 13y ago
  Self-centered, to me, means not thinking of others, because you're preoccupied with yourself. So, it makes sense to me. Also, I didn't say "The OP has the social skills of a cockroach." Here I was addressing the audience -- the readers of my comment -- who clearly weren't taking away the same thing from the essay that I was. For all I know, the OP deliberately avoided the topic, which means his social skills are fine, he's just a bad friend (as he indicates a reader of his blog post will think anyway). Being a bad friend in this way doesn't make you a bad person. You don't HAVE to act like a friend to somebody -- simply don't claim friendship. There, you're absolved. (If the post was "A guy I was once friends with and then never really cared about after that, died and I didn't know", nobody would have really cared to read it.) But it does make it seem kinda iffy to write a blog post about it, even include screenshots of the conversation, and not (apparently?) be socially aware enough to realize that the deceased man was nearly begging his friend to express some interest and concern. And so many of the commenters, from my perspective, were not picking up on anything the OP did not explicitly lay out in the essay itself, which is to say: his friend was telegraphing his problems in every possible way, and the OP ignored it. People seem to be reading it and thinking, "Oh, just one of those things." But it's only one of those things if you don't think of, or care for, others. "assigning blame via the butterfly effect" <-- I didn't understand this. If you mean I'm waving my hands and implying it was the OP's fault the guy was sick and died, no, that's not what I meant. His fault lay in not paying attention to his friend, and then acting surprised.
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wisty 13y ago
> We were hardly best friends, but we were meaningful in each other’s lives. They weren't really good friends. And he did wish him the best, and asked if he could help.

knice 13y ago

This was my thought too. The OP's friend seemed to be responding to each communication with leading statements and not once does it elicit a "tell me more" or "Oh goodness Mike, what's wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

sage_joch 13y ago

It seems wrong to say both that he has the "social instinct of a cockroach" and that he's selfish (implying his oversight was a choice). I'm inclined to believe it's the former, given that he is making a post like this. Social instinct is not easy for many programmers, myself included. Your comment almost amounts to assigning blame via the butterfly effect. edit: rewording my first sentence per comment below

awj 13y ago
> You can't simultaneously say that he has the "social instinct of a cockroach" and that he's selfish. I'm pretty sure you don't need social skills to be self-centered.
ahoyhere 13y ago
Self-centered, to me, means not thinking of others, because you're preoccupied with yourself. So, it makes sense to me. Also, I didn't say "The OP has the social skills of a cockroach." Here I was addressing the audience -- the readers of my comment -- who clearly weren't taking away the same thing from the essay that I was. For all I know, the OP deliberately avoided the topic, which means his social skills are fine, he's just a bad friend (as he indicates a reader of his blog post will think anyway). Being a bad friend in this way doesn't make you a bad person. You don't HAVE to act like a friend to somebody -- simply don't claim friendship. There, you're absolved. (If the post was "A guy I was once friends with and then never really cared about after that, died and I didn't know", nobody would have really cared to read it.) But it does make it seem kinda iffy to write a blog post about it, even include screenshots of the conversation, and not (apparently?) be socially aware enough to realize that the deceased man was nearly begging his friend to express some interest and concern. And so many of the commenters, from my perspective, were not picking up on anything the OP did not explicitly lay out in the essay itself, which is to say: his friend was telegraphing his problems in every possible way, and the OP ignored it. People seem to be reading it and thinking, "Oh, just one of those things." But it's only one of those things if you don't think of, or care for, others. "assigning blame via the butterfly effect" <-- I didn't understand this. If you mean I'm waving my hands and implying it was the OP's fault the guy was sick and died, no, that's not what I meant. His fault lay in not paying attention to his friend, and then acting surprised.

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wisty 13y ago

> We were hardly best friends, but we were meaningful in each other’s lives. They weren't really good friends. And he did wish him the best, and asked if he could help.