Isn't there something other in the background, like you don't like programming, and these higher topics just suddenly present themselves as the escape route? W

Isn't there something other in the background, like you don't like programming, and these higher topics just suddenly present themselves as the escape route? With either yes or no, if you can afford you might consider taking off 1 or 2 years, moving to a cheap country and erudite yourself(online courses, books - but hell no to college) or just exploring stuff.