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It's good to hear I'm not the only one with the eye contact thing — I also noticed about myself that if I'm looking in another person's eyes, it means their wor

It's good to hear I'm not the only one with the eye contact thing — I also noticed about myself that if I'm looking in another person's eyes, it means their words aren't really registering in my head. This also came up when trying EMDR in a mental health setting, where you're supposed to follow the therapist's pointer with your eyes while thinking about past events. I found that I couldn't think about anything else except making sure my eyes were following the pointer; directing my gaze took up all the available mental bandwidth.

exogenousdata 1mo ago
A bit of a tangent. As an extrovert and someone who is known for being very easy to talk to as well as conversational, I also do not look directly in a person's eye. I definitely face the person and look at their face. But not directly in their eyes. I know this because years ago I saw an interview with Ken Griffin (hedge fund billionaire). He does a lot of interview and makes intense, enduring eye contact[0]. Juxtapose that to someone like Jaime Diamond who also gives a good many interviews but takes breaks/pauses to look away. So after seeing the video, I tried making conversation with people while looking directly at one eye or the other. And at first I found myself paralyzed and barely able to keep focus on my train of thought. Eventually I was able to get a bit more comfortable doing it, but it required a great deal of effort. And anecdotally I found that the people I spoke to were more likely to look away the longer I kept the eye contact. [0] - https://www.youtube.com/shorts/d4HaX2IUFJc https://www.youtube.com/shorts/d4HaX2IUFJc
- cyberstrike 1mo ago
  I believe most people find true sustained eye contact overwhelming unless flirting with someone or trying to intimidate them. It's a really big signal, body language-wise, and our brains really lock onto it, even across a whole room. I stare at people's noses, their eyebrows, and the wrinkles on their foreheads, with occasional eye contact when I am speaking.
  - techdmn 1mo ago
    Having been on the stage a few times, I have heard that as explicit advice for actors and musicians: Look at the audience, but DO NOT make eye contact with anyone! You risk losing concentration. I also read something once that resonated, though I can't speak to how accurate it is. The idea is that when people are more introverted or discussing a technical topic, they tend to look away while speaking, then make eye contact to signal that it is the listener's turn to talk. Me staring at my shoes while I concentrate on conveying accurate information, then looking at the listener to see if my words made any sense at all. :-) When people are more extroverted or on a less technical topic, there is a tendency to make eye contact while speaking, then look away when it is the listeners turn to respond. Perhaps to judge how things are landing as they are speaking? If this is true one can see how it would lead to misunderstandings. An introvert thinking "This salesperson is making eye contact, but they just keep talking. Why are they so overbearing?" Or an extrovert thinking "This person is telling me terrorists are going to strike the World Trade Center, but they won't even make eye contact. Why do they have so little confidence?" Anyway, like many signalling mechanisms, I'm sure there is variety across people and cultures.
QuantumGood 28d ago
I used to do demonstrations in large workshops, and I would stand behind someone reading a script, and hold up a flag 3-5 words BEFORE they would stumble. I could tell when their compulsion to say the next word had gotten ahead of their sense of the meaning of the word, and 3-5 words later they would reliably stumble. In voiceover, where you have to read rather than memorize most scripts, some percentage of your available bandwidth visually processes the words that you must look at. This causes issues for the majority of talent, and significant issues for a minority of talent. Part of the issue is a compulsion to keep speaking words due to a feeling that they seem to be pushing at you and piling up.

exogenousdata 1mo ago

A bit of a tangent. As an extrovert and someone who is known for being very easy to talk to as well as conversational, I also do not look directly in a person's eye. I definitely face the person and look at their face. But not directly in their eyes. I know this because years ago I saw an interview with Ken Griffin (hedge fund billionaire). He does a lot of interview and makes intense, enduring eye contact[0]. Juxtapose that to someone like Jaime Diamond who also gives a good many interviews but takes breaks/pauses to look away. So after seeing the video, I tried making conversation with people while looking directly at one eye or the other. And at first I found myself paralyzed and barely able to keep focus on my train of thought. Eventually I was able to get a bit more comfortable doing it, but it required a great deal of effort. And anecdotally I found that the people I spoke to were more likely to look away the longer I kept the eye contact. [0] - https://www.youtube.com/shorts/d4HaX2IUFJc https://www.youtube.com/shorts/d4HaX2IUFJc

cyberstrike 1mo ago
I believe most people find true sustained eye contact overwhelming unless flirting with someone or trying to intimidate them. It's a really big signal, body language-wise, and our brains really lock onto it, even across a whole room. I stare at people's noses, their eyebrows, and the wrinkles on their foreheads, with occasional eye contact when I am speaking.
- techdmn 1mo ago
  Having been on the stage a few times, I have heard that as explicit advice for actors and musicians: Look at the audience, but DO NOT make eye contact with anyone! You risk losing concentration. I also read something once that resonated, though I can't speak to how accurate it is. The idea is that when people are more introverted or discussing a technical topic, they tend to look away while speaking, then make eye contact to signal that it is the listener's turn to talk. Me staring at my shoes while I concentrate on conveying accurate information, then looking at the listener to see if my words made any sense at all. :-) When people are more extroverted or on a less technical topic, there is a tendency to make eye contact while speaking, then look away when it is the listeners turn to respond. Perhaps to judge how things are landing as they are speaking? If this is true one can see how it would lead to misunderstandings. An introvert thinking "This salesperson is making eye contact, but they just keep talking. Why are they so overbearing?" Or an extrovert thinking "This person is telling me terrorists are going to strike the World Trade Center, but they won't even make eye contact. Why do they have so little confidence?" Anyway, like many signalling mechanisms, I'm sure there is variety across people and cultures.

QuantumGood 28d ago

I used to do demonstrations in large workshops, and I would stand behind someone reading a script, and hold up a flag 3-5 words BEFORE they would stumble. I could tell when their compulsion to say the next word had gotten ahead of their sense of the meaning of the word, and 3-5 words later they would reliably stumble. In voiceover, where you have to read rather than memorize most scripts, some percentage of your available bandwidth visually processes the words that you must look at. This causes issues for the majority of talent, and significant issues for a minority of talent. Part of the issue is a compulsion to keep speaking words due to a feeling that they seem to be pushing at you and piling up.