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I wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that birth control offers us a choice in the matter. Pregnancy used to be something You Just Did, because, well,

I wonder how much of it has to do with the fact that birth control offers us a choice in the matter. Pregnancy used to be something You Just Did, because, well, most people enjoy having sex, and pregnancy is the intended consequence of unprotected sex. It's scary, it's stressful, it's risky, and it's sometimes even fatal... but it's "part of life". It's how we ended up here, after all. Now we have a choice. Which is GREAT, amazing, even. Absolutely necessary. I'll never argue that anyone's right to choose if they want to be a parent is a bad thing. I wonder if social media is also contributing, with its polarizing nature. It's rare you see any opinions or even anecdotes about pregnancy being "fine" or "whatever". It's always a big deal, and it's always a big deal (horrible) or a big deal (wonderful). There's not a lot of in between. The negative end of the spectrum scares people, while the positive end of the spectrum is met with skepticism since it's too-often (for me at least) correlated with right-wing religious people trying to push women to be what're effectively baby factories, so the "it's the most wonderful experience ever!" just comes off as disingenuous and manipulative. Combined with the fact that women's healthcare is rife with challenges, and women's pain is often dismissed (not looking to start any "gender wars" arguments; just stating things that can be backed up https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10937548/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10937548/), the prospect of becoming pregnant is a scary one, when you have the option to not do that. "What if it's nine months of constant nausea, being bedbound, gaining weight I'll never be able to lose? My body will change, in many ways irreversibly. Will my partner still find me attractive? Will they support me during? Will they support me after? Will I feel supported? Will I feel resentment that they'll be able to enjoy things like alcohol while I'll have to stay completely sober for a very long time? Will I feel resentment if the majority of childcare falls on me, which is statistically actually quite likely? What about my career? Will I regret it? What if my child is born with a disability? What if I'm bad at being a mom? What if I hate it? What if I'm trapped in a life I don't want? What if there's no way out?" Of course, the above thought process could also be one with thoughts like "what if it's wonderful?" but it's a lot easier to worry about the negative, and put weight on the negative, than it is to fantasize and put weight on the positive what-ifs. This is just my perspective, though. Some people love being pregnant and find parenthood really wonderful (or so they tell me about those things), and I love that for them. Truly. I'm just not sure if I have it in me to ever find out what it would be like for me, and I know I'm not alone. Fun Auntie is a better role for me I think. But maybe I would feel differently if pregnancy were easier and a less destructive process on the female body, and there was more social support for parents.

graemep 29d ago
Birth control has been around for a long time now. The oral contraceptive pill was invented 70 years ago. Fear of pregnancy to the level of putting people off having kids is much newer. I think its very likely that social media plays apart. I think people glossing pregnancy over as wonderful are optimistic. I think a more honest take is "its hard but worth it". > What if it's nine months of constant nausea, being bedbound, gaining weight I'll never be able to lose? Its not nine months of nausea or being bedbound though. Most women I know lived normal lives for most of their pregnancies. > Will my partner still find me attractive? Will they support me during? Will they support me after? Will I feel supported Absolutely do not have kids with a partner whose support you cannot rely on! None of us are going to keep our looks all our lives anyway. > Will I feel resentment that they'll be able to enjoy things like alcohol while I'll have to stay completely sober for a very long time? When i had my kids the NHS advice was to drink in moderation. Changes since then have been politically driven (and by increased American influence on attitudes) rather than being the rest of any new science. My ex went off alcohol before she knew she was pregnant (which is the most critical time) and then drank moderately thereafter. > Will I feel resentment if the majority of childcare falls on me, which is statistically actually quite likely? That is understandable. Again it partly comes down to having the right partner. Some men do end up doing the majority of childcare - I am one, and I have come across a few others. This is something that is improving too (I hope!). > What about my career? Will I regret it? What if my child is born with a disability? Careers get into perspective when you have kids. Very few people regret having their kids, whatever goes wrong. They are so much more important than having a career. I have a lot less money than I would have had without kids, but there is no way I would want to have the money instead. > What if I'm bad at being a mom? What if I hate it? What if I'm trapped in a life I don't want? IMO it is extremely rare for the sort of person who worries about being a good parent to be a bad parent. The problem is that people want to be perfect parents, and society encourages anxiety instead of reassuring them that it is OK not to be perfect. > Fun Auntie is a better role for me I think Its not a bad role to have! I would point out that being a fun auntie requires someone to have kids! > and there was more social support for parents. I think this is critical. I am not sure to what extent pregnancy can be made easier in a direct physical sense, but many women could be better supported through it.

graemep 29d ago

Birth control has been around for a long time now. The oral contraceptive pill was invented 70 years ago. Fear of pregnancy to the level of putting people off having kids is much newer. I think its very likely that social media plays apart. I think people glossing pregnancy over as wonderful are optimistic. I think a more honest take is "its hard but worth it". > What if it's nine months of constant nausea, being bedbound, gaining weight I'll never be able to lose? Its not nine months of nausea or being bedbound though. Most women I know lived normal lives for most of their pregnancies. > Will my partner still find me attractive? Will they support me during? Will they support me after? Will I feel supported Absolutely do not have kids with a partner whose support you cannot rely on! None of us are going to keep our looks all our lives anyway. > Will I feel resentment that they'll be able to enjoy things like alcohol while I'll have to stay completely sober for a very long time? When i had my kids the NHS advice was to drink in moderation. Changes since then have been politically driven (and by increased American influence on attitudes) rather than being the rest of any new science. My ex went off alcohol before she knew she was pregnant (which is the most critical time) and then drank moderately thereafter. > Will I feel resentment if the majority of childcare falls on me, which is statistically actually quite likely? That is understandable. Again it partly comes down to having the right partner. Some men do end up doing the majority of childcare - I am one, and I have come across a few others. This is something that is improving too (I hope!). > What about my career? Will I regret it? What if my child is born with a disability? Careers get into perspective when you have kids. Very few people regret having their kids, whatever goes wrong. They are so much more important than having a career. I have a lot less money than I would have had without kids, but there is no way I would want to have the money instead. > What if I'm bad at being a mom? What if I hate it? What if I'm trapped in a life I don't want? IMO it is extremely rare for the sort of person who worries about being a good parent to be a bad parent. The problem is that people want to be perfect parents, and society encourages anxiety instead of reassuring them that it is OK not to be perfect. > Fun Auntie is a better role for me I think Its not a bad role to have! I would point out that being a fun auntie requires someone to have kids! > and there was more social support for parents. I think this is critical. I am not sure to what extent pregnancy can be made easier in a direct physical sense, but many women could be better supported through it.