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As someone who now identifies first and foremost as a father, it baffles me every time I meet a man who has means and intelligence but managed to end up a resen

As someone who now identifies first and foremost as a father, it baffles me every time I meet a man who has means and intelligence but managed to end up a resentful parent. It's not that I can't understand the many reasons a person would not want to have children, but I find it very difficult to understand how a capable person can fail to avoid this scenario. And yet, I have observed it with enough frequency to know that there's something I'm missing.

jaynetics 1mo ago
If you are just talking about contraception, that's a bit reductive. There is a notable percentage of people who regret having kids, despite initially deciding to have them. It is not possible to fully anticipate what it's like. For some parents, an unexpected change in circumstances may also change perspectives. E.g. their own parents may fall ill and add to the caretaking burden instead of sharing in it.
- overtone1000 1mo ago
  Ha! It's more than contraception availability although that certainly is why I qualified my bafflement as being in regards to reasonably intelligent people. It's pretty easy to imagine how this could happen due to temporary or permanent affliction by idiocy. None of the personal examples I have in mind had circumstances that explain the resentment these men expressed. I think you're right that they simply failed to anticipate how parenthood would be, or maybe they didn't even recognize it as something worth consideration.
  - munksbeer 1mo ago
    This is exactly it. I love my children more than anything, I would die for them. I do regret having children though, *at the moment*. I didn't realise just how very hard it would be. My eldest is autistic though, so for seven years we've doubted ourselves, struggling because of his extreme emotions and meltdowns. And then feeling judged by the entire world because I don't feel as the world prescribes. Until you've lived that life, it is best not to judge. Just like I couldn't judge how I would personally react to being a parent until I became one. Btw, my regret fluctuates, and there are periods where I would not change things at all. I hope, with time, those periods grow longer until they're the only periods.
    - overtone1000 1mo ago
      Thank you for this comment. I think your perspective helps me understand one of the examples I had in mind.
- ChrisRR 1mo ago
  > There is a notable percentage of people who regret having kids, despite initially deciding to have them. I always say that people choose to have kids, they don't choose to have teenagers
  - spiderfarmer 1mo ago
    Treat your kids as adults when they reach puberty, problem solved. Never act like they are too young for anything. Just explain how the world works and let them figure it out. Just don’t get mad at every stumble along the way. Be there for them if they need you. I say this unironically. The “Move fast and break things” approach works wonders for the relationship between parents and children.
    - ChrisRR 1mo ago
      That assumes that children/teenagers are logical creatures. They're not You can follow every parenting guide under the sun and still be left with a moody teenager that argues back at everything you tell them
      - spiderfarmer 1mo ago
        I don't think I implied or assumed that children are logical creatures. > a moody teenager that argues back at everything you tell them As an adult, do you like to be "told"? Ask your kid how he likes to be treated.
spiderfarmer 1mo ago
You don’t need intelligence to be a good father. Good communication skills, discipline, empathy, patience, humility, clarity and predictability are all traits that don’t require above average intelligence.
- overtone1000 1mo ago
  Of course! You do, however, require some minimal quantity to use contraception. It's worth mention that the examples I have in mind also weren't bad fathers. They were just secretly regretful and resentful.

jaynetics 1mo ago

If you are just talking about contraception, that's a bit reductive. There is a notable percentage of people who regret having kids, despite initially deciding to have them. It is not possible to fully anticipate what it's like. For some parents, an unexpected change in circumstances may also change perspectives. E.g. their own parents may fall ill and add to the caretaking burden instead of sharing in it.

overtone1000 1mo ago
Ha! It's more than contraception availability although that certainly is why I qualified my bafflement as being in regards to reasonably intelligent people. It's pretty easy to imagine how this could happen due to temporary or permanent affliction by idiocy. None of the personal examples I have in mind had circumstances that explain the resentment these men expressed. I think you're right that they simply failed to anticipate how parenthood would be, or maybe they didn't even recognize it as something worth consideration.
- munksbeer 1mo ago
  This is exactly it. I love my children more than anything, I would die for them. I do regret having children though, *at the moment*. I didn't realise just how very hard it would be. My eldest is autistic though, so for seven years we've doubted ourselves, struggling because of his extreme emotions and meltdowns. And then feeling judged by the entire world because I don't feel as the world prescribes. Until you've lived that life, it is best not to judge. Just like I couldn't judge how I would personally react to being a parent until I became one. Btw, my regret fluctuates, and there are periods where I would not change things at all. I hope, with time, those periods grow longer until they're the only periods.
  - overtone1000 1mo ago
    Thank you for this comment. I think your perspective helps me understand one of the examples I had in mind.
ChrisRR 1mo ago
> There is a notable percentage of people who regret having kids, despite initially deciding to have them. I always say that people choose to have kids, they don't choose to have teenagers
- spiderfarmer 1mo ago
  Treat your kids as adults when they reach puberty, problem solved. Never act like they are too young for anything. Just explain how the world works and let them figure it out. Just don’t get mad at every stumble along the way. Be there for them if they need you. I say this unironically. The “Move fast and break things” approach works wonders for the relationship between parents and children.
  - ChrisRR 1mo ago
    That assumes that children/teenagers are logical creatures. They're not You can follow every parenting guide under the sun and still be left with a moody teenager that argues back at everything you tell them
    - spiderfarmer 1mo ago
      I don't think I implied or assumed that children are logical creatures. > a moody teenager that argues back at everything you tell them As an adult, do you like to be "told"? Ask your kid how he likes to be treated.

spiderfarmer 1mo ago

You don’t need intelligence to be a good father. Good communication skills, discipline, empathy, patience, humility, clarity and predictability are all traits that don’t require above average intelligence.

overtone1000 1mo ago
Of course! You do, however, require some minimal quantity to use contraception. It's worth mention that the examples I have in mind also weren't bad fathers. They were just secretly regretful and resentful.