8 ms·

It’s truly bizarre. I’m married and have a strong social life, but then I see things like this in my local subreddit where men just don’t want to go out and me

It’s truly bizarre. I’m married and have a strong social life, but then I see things like this in my local subreddit where men just don’t want to go out and meet women. https://old.reddit.com/r/Rochester/comments/1hyh1r2/where_are_the_single_men_in_roc/ https://old.reddit.com/r/Rochester/comments/1hyh1r2/where_ar... I can’t believe that the thread exists. I can’t believe that a young single straight man wouldn’t be all over that event. Some good speculation on cause behind it in OP and this discussion, but I’m just sitting here confused at the state of things.

Dalewyn 2y ago
As a "young single straight man" all I can really tell you is that I have utterly no desire nor interest when I have so many other things I could or should be doing instead.
- binarymax 2y ago
  And that’s the confusing thing to me. When I was in my 20s I spent most of my time outside of work being social. I worked 10-12 hour days. What are the things you’re doing that are a priority? I’m not judging - I’m honestly curious and want to understand.
  - Dalewyn 2y ago
    Reading books, playing games, watching anime, conversations on IRC or Discord with long time friends, making stuff in the figurative garage that will never see the light of day... The list goes on. And that's besides life's necessities like work, chores around the house, cooking+eating... The list goes on. There's just so many god damn things I could or should be doing instead of marriage. I literally do not have the time and thus interest in marriage and all the things related to it. And no, the termination of my bloodline or what happens to my crap after my passing doesn't concern me.
    - binarymax 2y ago
      Cool. Power to you. My take on things: I love being married, because I’m always with my best friend, and we’re partners to make all the “life’s necessities” much easier. Cooking+cleaning is a shared experience and not one persons job. Financial burdens lessen as a couple. Sometimes groceries just show up magically. And I always have someone to talk to. We also have different sleep schedules. I’m up early and either hack on a side project or go to the gym. Late at night she watches what she likes without needing to negotiate with my tastes.
    - bdangubic 2y ago
      I have several friends that would write EXACTLY what you wrote and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your way of life. termination of the bloodline is a silly thing - however I can tell you from personal experience that having an offspring connects to humanity like nothing else and I feel for you that you won’t experience that part of human existence. it is a remarkable experience…
      - throw00603 2y ago
        > I feel for you that you won’t experience that part of human existence Certainly it's something my depression holds over my head every day. Everything I do is less fun when I consciously realize I'm removing my ancestors from the gene pool in participating in those things. It's like I can choose to put more value in other things besides offspring, but also... I can't? When it seems like every stranger around me is married and/or has children? When I feel myself backed into a corner and only perceive the choice to call that decision sour grapes, I feel like something has gone seriously wrong...
        AnimalMuppet 2y ago
        Interesting. Women used to feel this pressure, wanting success and a career, but also wanting family and children. They looked at men with envy, thinking that men did get to have it all. But men are feeling that same tension. I think it basically comes down to being finite. We want more than we can get. We have to choose, and we don't want to, because choosing means giving up something that we really want. I suspect that your depression doesn't make it easier. But the overall struggle is a very common one.
  - Gavin222 2y ago
    [dead]
  - Gvaskas 2y ago
    A very common sentiment among young men is that "the juice ain't worth the squeeze". There is a sense that the average man is being expected to meet increasingly demanding requirements - career, social, fitness, etc (some of which are literally impossible for many due to height, balding, or facial attractiveness) - for a shot at an overweight woman past her prime with dozens of flings and a couple abortions in her past, who will forever secretly think poorly of him, is only ever 5 minutes away from another fling with a random stranger on the app of her choice, and may at any moment become 'bored' and file for no-fault divorce ruining their family and finances. Or we can do whatever we like for leisure, meet our sexual needs in whatever way we like (abstinence, prostitutes, casual sex, toys, porn, etc) and watch the world burn. Women need to look at themselves.
    - Muromec 2y ago
      >and watch the world burn. You will not be watching zo. You will be one the one burning with it too and it will be even less fun than the slight frustrations of today.
    - binarymax 2y ago
      It sounds like you've had some bad experiences, but putting the blame entirely on the other gender is not a healthy approach to the situation.
      - gigatree 2y ago
        He could have a more balanced view for himself but that wouldn’t change the reality that he’s describing for everyone else (which is probably also shared by a large portion of the other gender).
  - throw00603 2y ago
    I exercise, read books, try to learn instruments, look for work, and go to therapy weekly. I have had strangers say to me that it's no problem if I just want to put myself out there and see who bites, but I do not see it that way. My (same-sex) best friend I knew for 6 years recently cut off all contact when I tried to set boundaries with them. It was the first time in my life I tried to assert myself and because I reaped the consequences I assumed I did something wrong. I read up online and understood logically I did nothing wrong. But fact is, it's been half a year and I haven't recovered from that friendship alone. And there were others like it. I don't have anything to replace that (flawed) relationship and the trauma of being discarded reopened all my pre-existing childhood-and-up trauma they already knew about so, I mean, yeah. I talk to my therapist about it of course but that makes my current life no less of a torture. I've come to accept maybe that's how it will be. What this tells me is I'm not ready for a relationship right now. It's my early 30's and I don't understand the basics yet. The way I was raised I've already been through enough confusing social rejection and socializing just demoralizes me nowadays. I'm not willing to go forward and date if I'm no longer interested in the first place because that isn't fair to the other party. I need to make friends before I am ready to date, having zero friends right now, and the interest for that isn't there either. It took me way too long for me to realize my heart wasn't in it and I was doing people a disservice when I need to work on myself first and foremost. ...not to mention I'm still looking for work after being laid off, but I felt no different while I was employed. And before someone says these are flaws people should accept me for... they're not unfortunately. I'm beginning to suspect they're on the level of a personality disorder. Having enough previous less impactful diagnoses, I think it's on me by this point if I couldn't make anything out of them.
Muromec 2y ago
The topmost upvoted comment there says it all: "We are tired and working on ourselves." It's okay, the WW3 is coming, everyone will be drafted to shake things back to the baseline misery.
deleted 2y ago
[deleted]
chneu 2y ago
Dating is pretty hostile nowadays. There are a lot of pretty crazy expectations. Coupled with a low tolerance for not meeting those expectations. The apps have created, for many people, a "grass is always greener on the next swipe" mentality. People who might be good partners are passed over because one or two things don't meet or exceed expectations. Meeting in real life is better but it's still a lot of work. There really don't seem to be as many social scenes as there used to be. Especially as people get older, over the age of 30, the social scenes feature fewer and fewer single people. As a cis white guy, it's very easy to get burnt out. Between ghosting and the "slow burn" mentality it just gets exhausting. I'll also say that most men are pretty shitty. I have a lot of single female friends and we talk about this a lot. Men really do kind of just suck. I didn't used to believe it but they send me screenshots and it's pretty bad. In general, people just have less social skills and lower tolerance for this stuff nowadays. Being single isn't as stigmatized as it used to be.
- bradlys 2y ago
  I’ll say that men in general suck in the same way that women in general suck. Both suck. Being jaded and thinking only shit men exist is a very bad mentality. The women I know who didn’t stay jaded and pursued men who were reasonable and showed real interest back have been rewarded immensely. I’m in nyc right now and I see so many women hating every man because these gals only deal with men who refuse to settle down or commit. So many women I know are trying to get commitment from a man who doesn’t want to commit. They need to go to a different market segment but they refuse because the men who don’t commit have all the superficial things they want.
  - orwin 2y ago
    Right now, the biggest issue my sister have is how pushy men are with her, not 'commitment'. In general for the millenials, committed relationships are seeked by men more than women. My SO confirmed me that me not being a 'forceur' (pushy man) during our first date and showing interest in what she does was probably the biggest two reasons she proposed me the second one.
    - 2y ago
poincaredisk 2y ago
>I can’t believe that a young single straight man wouldn’t be all over that event I'm not young (neither I'm old - a bit over 30) anymore, but I would never go to such event when I was single. Dating events feel like stress, a lot of expectations to meet, and ultimately there's nothing I have in common with those people (or so I think). I always preferred dating in my social, work and hobby circles. I don't know if that's common, but anecdotally my friends feel and do the same.
disambiguation 2y ago
One interpretation, reddit is full of introverts and mixers / speed dating are very extroverted events.

Dalewyn 2y ago

As a "young single straight man" all I can really tell you is that I have utterly no desire nor interest when I have so many other things I could or should be doing instead.

binarymax 2y ago
And that’s the confusing thing to me. When I was in my 20s I spent most of my time outside of work being social. I worked 10-12 hour days. What are the things you’re doing that are a priority? I’m not judging - I’m honestly curious and want to understand.
- Dalewyn 2y ago
  Reading books, playing games, watching anime, conversations on IRC or Discord with long time friends, making stuff in the figurative garage that will never see the light of day... The list goes on. And that's besides life's necessities like work, chores around the house, cooking+eating... The list goes on. There's just so many god damn things I could or should be doing instead of marriage. I literally do not have the time and thus interest in marriage and all the things related to it. And no, the termination of my bloodline or what happens to my crap after my passing doesn't concern me.
  - binarymax 2y ago
    Cool. Power to you. My take on things: I love being married, because I’m always with my best friend, and we’re partners to make all the “life’s necessities” much easier. Cooking+cleaning is a shared experience and not one persons job. Financial burdens lessen as a couple. Sometimes groceries just show up magically. And I always have someone to talk to. We also have different sleep schedules. I’m up early and either hack on a side project or go to the gym. Late at night she watches what she likes without needing to negotiate with my tastes.
  - bdangubic 2y ago
    I have several friends that would write EXACTLY what you wrote and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your way of life. termination of the bloodline is a silly thing - however I can tell you from personal experience that having an offspring connects to humanity like nothing else and I feel for you that you won’t experience that part of human existence. it is a remarkable experience…
    - throw00603 2y ago
      > I feel for you that you won’t experience that part of human existence Certainly it's something my depression holds over my head every day. Everything I do is less fun when I consciously realize I'm removing my ancestors from the gene pool in participating in those things. It's like I can choose to put more value in other things besides offspring, but also... I can't? When it seems like every stranger around me is married and/or has children? When I feel myself backed into a corner and only perceive the choice to call that decision sour grapes, I feel like something has gone seriously wrong...
      - AnimalMuppet 2y ago
        Interesting. Women used to feel this pressure, wanting success and a career, but also wanting family and children. They looked at men with envy, thinking that men did get to have it all. But men are feeling that same tension. I think it basically comes down to being finite. We want more than we can get. We have to choose, and we don't want to, because choosing means giving up something that we really want. I suspect that your depression doesn't make it easier. But the overall struggle is a very common one.
- Gavin222 2y ago
  [dead]
- Gvaskas 2y ago
  A very common sentiment among young men is that "the juice ain't worth the squeeze". There is a sense that the average man is being expected to meet increasingly demanding requirements - career, social, fitness, etc (some of which are literally impossible for many due to height, balding, or facial attractiveness) - for a shot at an overweight woman past her prime with dozens of flings and a couple abortions in her past, who will forever secretly think poorly of him, is only ever 5 minutes away from another fling with a random stranger on the app of her choice, and may at any moment become 'bored' and file for no-fault divorce ruining their family and finances. Or we can do whatever we like for leisure, meet our sexual needs in whatever way we like (abstinence, prostitutes, casual sex, toys, porn, etc) and watch the world burn. Women need to look at themselves.
  - Muromec 2y ago
    >and watch the world burn. You will not be watching zo. You will be one the one burning with it too and it will be even less fun than the slight frustrations of today.
  - binarymax 2y ago
    It sounds like you've had some bad experiences, but putting the blame entirely on the other gender is not a healthy approach to the situation.
    - gigatree 2y ago
      He could have a more balanced view for himself but that wouldn’t change the reality that he’s describing for everyone else (which is probably also shared by a large portion of the other gender).
- throw00603 2y ago
  I exercise, read books, try to learn instruments, look for work, and go to therapy weekly. I have had strangers say to me that it's no problem if I just want to put myself out there and see who bites, but I do not see it that way. My (same-sex) best friend I knew for 6 years recently cut off all contact when I tried to set boundaries with them. It was the first time in my life I tried to assert myself and because I reaped the consequences I assumed I did something wrong. I read up online and understood logically I did nothing wrong. But fact is, it's been half a year and I haven't recovered from that friendship alone. And there were others like it. I don't have anything to replace that (flawed) relationship and the trauma of being discarded reopened all my pre-existing childhood-and-up trauma they already knew about so, I mean, yeah. I talk to my therapist about it of course but that makes my current life no less of a torture. I've come to accept maybe that's how it will be. What this tells me is I'm not ready for a relationship right now. It's my early 30's and I don't understand the basics yet. The way I was raised I've already been through enough confusing social rejection and socializing just demoralizes me nowadays. I'm not willing to go forward and date if I'm no longer interested in the first place because that isn't fair to the other party. I need to make friends before I am ready to date, having zero friends right now, and the interest for that isn't there either. It took me way too long for me to realize my heart wasn't in it and I was doing people a disservice when I need to work on myself first and foremost. ...not to mention I'm still looking for work after being laid off, but I felt no different while I was employed. And before someone says these are flaws people should accept me for... they're not unfortunately. I'm beginning to suspect they're on the level of a personality disorder. Having enough previous less impactful diagnoses, I think it's on me by this point if I couldn't make anything out of them.

Muromec 2y ago

The topmost upvoted comment there says it all: "We are tired and working on ourselves." It's okay, the WW3 is coming, everyone will be drafted to shake things back to the baseline misery.

deleted 2y ago

[deleted]

chneu 2y ago

Dating is pretty hostile nowadays. There are a lot of pretty crazy expectations. Coupled with a low tolerance for not meeting those expectations. The apps have created, for many people, a "grass is always greener on the next swipe" mentality. People who might be good partners are passed over because one or two things don't meet or exceed expectations. Meeting in real life is better but it's still a lot of work. There really don't seem to be as many social scenes as there used to be. Especially as people get older, over the age of 30, the social scenes feature fewer and fewer single people. As a cis white guy, it's very easy to get burnt out. Between ghosting and the "slow burn" mentality it just gets exhausting. I'll also say that most men are pretty shitty. I have a lot of single female friends and we talk about this a lot. Men really do kind of just suck. I didn't used to believe it but they send me screenshots and it's pretty bad. In general, people just have less social skills and lower tolerance for this stuff nowadays. Being single isn't as stigmatized as it used to be.

bradlys 2y ago
I’ll say that men in general suck in the same way that women in general suck. Both suck. Being jaded and thinking only shit men exist is a very bad mentality. The women I know who didn’t stay jaded and pursued men who were reasonable and showed real interest back have been rewarded immensely. I’m in nyc right now and I see so many women hating every man because these gals only deal with men who refuse to settle down or commit. So many women I know are trying to get commitment from a man who doesn’t want to commit. They need to go to a different market segment but they refuse because the men who don’t commit have all the superficial things they want.
- orwin 2y ago
  Right now, the biggest issue my sister have is how pushy men are with her, not 'commitment'. In general for the millenials, committed relationships are seeked by men more than women. My SO confirmed me that me not being a 'forceur' (pushy man) during our first date and showing interest in what she does was probably the biggest two reasons she proposed me the second one.
  - 2y ago

poincaredisk 2y ago

>I can’t believe that a young single straight man wouldn’t be all over that event I'm not young (neither I'm old - a bit over 30) anymore, but I would never go to such event when I was single. Dating events feel like stress, a lot of expectations to meet, and ultimately there's nothing I have in common with those people (or so I think). I always preferred dating in my social, work and hobby circles. I don't know if that's common, but anecdotally my friends feel and do the same.

disambiguation 2y ago

One interpretation, reddit is full of introverts and mixers / speed dating are very extroverted events.