5 ms·

People don't think it ain't possible. Just that it isn't common and there is a sexual tension in the end. And when you are in a relationship there are insecurit

People don't think it ain't possible. Just that it isn't common and there is a sexual tension in the end. And when you are in a relationship there are insecurities. Your situation doesn't seem "normal".

maxbond 2y ago
If being in a relationship without insecurity is abnormal, then I'm happy to be a snowflake.
- moribunda 2y ago
  You're dumbing it down. But I envy you living in a snowflake world without insecurities, cheating, divorces, etc.
  - maxbond 2y ago
    I'll acknowledge that I speak from a privileged position, but from up here in my ivory tower, I can see that a lasting relationship is necessarily founded on trust. Sometimes in life we develop defense mechanisms that are self defeating. I bet a lot of us are familiar with the conundrum of the IT department that always says "no." The environment becomes too constrained for work to be done, so the rest of the business develops shadow IT out of necessity. Telegraph to your partner that it's unsafe to discuss their friendships with the opposite sex with you, and they will start hiding that information from you.
- wiseowise 2y ago
  Not the point they’re making.
dailykoder 2y ago
That's what I learned over the years. But by I appreciate that me and my friends ain't normal. Edit because I read your other comment: sure there might have been cheating and other sorts of trouble. But iirc envy never played a role.
InsideOutSanta 2y ago
>Your situation doesn't seem "normal". This perspective is so mind-blowing to me. I'm Western European, and all of my male friends have female friends, all of my female friends have male friends. That's what's normal to me. When I hear people say things like "friendship between men and women always has sexual tension," that's what sounds "not normal" to me. I guess it has a lot to do with cultural norms and gender roles.
- infecto 2y ago
  I'm not sure if this was the intention, but while I believe anyone can be friends, the comment about 'if anyone got naked and changed clothes' doesn't seem entirely typical for most cultures.
  - InsideOutSanta 2y ago
    When we go skiing, for example, we all change from jeans into Winter clothes outside the car after parking at the resort. I've seen most of my friends in their undies, regardless of gender. It's not sexual, it's just convenient. I have no idea how common these types of situations are elsewhere.
- moribunda 2y ago
  Commenting on such topics on hn makes me want to have some kind of footer with a/s/l/salary/social class etc. I'm from central/eastern Europe, and I feel a little bit of WEIRD bias [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias] in many opinions presented here. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just finding myself more and more blocked when it comes to discussing such topics. Your friends have friends of different sex - I get it, but for how long we would have to debate here to check if there really is no sexual tension there. Where does relationships come from then in those groups? None of those friends become pairs/partners? There are no ex-lovers who after 10-20 years are coming back together from the "friendship phase". Etc. On the other hand, I never said that there is only sexual tension. Just that it's hard for me to imagine a world where it's not important.

maxbond 2y ago

If being in a relationship without insecurity is abnormal, then I'm happy to be a snowflake.

moribunda 2y ago
You're dumbing it down. But I envy you living in a snowflake world without insecurities, cheating, divorces, etc.
- maxbond 2y ago
  I'll acknowledge that I speak from a privileged position, but from up here in my ivory tower, I can see that a lasting relationship is necessarily founded on trust. Sometimes in life we develop defense mechanisms that are self defeating. I bet a lot of us are familiar with the conundrum of the IT department that always says "no." The environment becomes too constrained for work to be done, so the rest of the business develops shadow IT out of necessity. Telegraph to your partner that it's unsafe to discuss their friendships with the opposite sex with you, and they will start hiding that information from you.
wiseowise 2y ago
Not the point they’re making.

dailykoder 2y ago

That's what I learned over the years. But by I appreciate that me and my friends ain't normal. Edit because I read your other comment: sure there might have been cheating and other sorts of trouble. But iirc envy never played a role.

InsideOutSanta 2y ago

>Your situation doesn't seem "normal". This perspective is so mind-blowing to me. I'm Western European, and all of my male friends have female friends, all of my female friends have male friends. That's what's normal to me. When I hear people say things like "friendship between men and women always has sexual tension," that's what sounds "not normal" to me. I guess it has a lot to do with cultural norms and gender roles.

infecto 2y ago
I'm not sure if this was the intention, but while I believe anyone can be friends, the comment about 'if anyone got naked and changed clothes' doesn't seem entirely typical for most cultures.
- InsideOutSanta 2y ago
  When we go skiing, for example, we all change from jeans into Winter clothes outside the car after parking at the resort. I've seen most of my friends in their undies, regardless of gender. It's not sexual, it's just convenient. I have no idea how common these types of situations are elsewhere.
moribunda 2y ago
Commenting on such topics on hn makes me want to have some kind of footer with a/s/l/salary/social class etc. I'm from central/eastern Europe, and I feel a little bit of WEIRD bias [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias] in many opinions presented here. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just finding myself more and more blocked when it comes to discussing such topics. Your friends have friends of different sex - I get it, but for how long we would have to debate here to check if there really is no sexual tension there. Where does relationships come from then in those groups? None of those friends become pairs/partners? There are no ex-lovers who after 10-20 years are coming back together from the "friendship phase". Etc. On the other hand, I never said that there is only sexual tension. Just that it's hard for me to imagine a world where it's not important.