7 ms·

This sounds like spiritual bypass, which is a failure mode of mindfulness a lot of people can fall into. You say it drives your wife crazy, so it seems that bei

This sounds like spiritual bypass, which is a failure mode of mindfulness a lot of people can fall into. You say it drives your wife crazy, so it seems that being in this state doesn't actually help you resolve issues between you and your wife. It only numbs you to the conflict and puts the whole burden on your wife.

robertlagrant 3y ago
> You say it drives your wife crazy, so it seems that being in this state doesn't actually help you resolve issues between you and your wife. It only numbs you to the conflict and puts the whole burden on your wife. I don't understand why you're saying this. The technique wasn't primarily to resolve issues with spouse; it was to fight panic attacks.
- midoridensha 3y ago
  If the OP needs to zone-out to avoid a panic attack when talking with his wife, it sounds like they have some serious marital problems, and this is just a way of avoiding dealing with them.
  - robertlagrant 3y ago
    Read this: > I suffered from panic attacks in my youth. Does it now make sense?
  - tuyiown 3y ago
    > If the OP needs to zone-out to avoid a panic attack when talking with his wife He didn't said that. His wife his just frustrated that he can do this, I'm pretty sure he never told us he did this to annoy his wife on purpose or escaping.
    - smogcutter 3y ago
      > In this state I may acknowledge her talking to me but have little or no memory of any conversations after. He tunes out his wife > if I so choose Willfully > It drives my wife crazy And often enough that it’s an issue. He hasn’t shown up again in this bizarre thread, heck he’s probably doing it right now!
      - tuyiown 3y ago
        Don't build scenarios out of aligned facts : > but if I so choose, I can completely zen out within 30 seconds and enter a state of total relaxation. Sometime peoples just want to have own time and relaxing in their own preferred way > In this state I may acknowledge her talking to me but have little or no memory of any conversations after. It happened to his wife to come and start talking to him in this state, but him being able to acknowledge her without remembering the conversation causes her great frustration. >> He hasn’t shown up again in this bizarre thread, heck he’s probably doing it right now! Given the number of totally unjustified judgmental, misread based responses, no wonder one would shy out. Assuming that checking for answers it the sane behavior in the first place.
        saiya-jin 3y ago
        Well, OP could have framed his description a lot better since its easy even for native speakers to come up with conclusion he acts like an a-hole towards his wife and avoids conflicts. This is internet, folks don't re-read some anonymous comments 5 times to grok what was actually meant. Good for him if he managed to get serious crippling condition under control, that's a hard feat deserving respect. Not a fan of self-illusion claims about talking to god, that's not even how major religions are made from scratch (communication with God in my view is 2-way process, and no judaism/christian/muslim god ever talks back, but I get that it was probably not meant literally), but that's just an agnostic's nitpick when seeing righteous religious folks who claim weird stuff in my view.
        tuyiown 3y ago
        You're blaming the poster for judgmental people snapping at him ? It's one thing to wish people being more articulate, it's another to use it as an excuse for 0 thought patronizing. If someone has to refrain from express themselves or taking better care of what and how they say it, it's moralists reframing words of other people, without even thinking of asking questions beforehand.
  - Cthulhu_ 3y ago
    You're blaming one person's emotional and physical experience on two people for some reason. One thing that is important in a healthy marriage is that people's feelings vs their actions are separate entities, and that one person's feelings shouldn't affect someone else's in an unhealthy fashion (enmeshment). A panic attack is unhealthy and unhelpful - if there's a conflict, one party going into a panic will not resolve the conflict. TL;DR, being able to stop a panic attack or otherwise unproductive emotional response is a great skill to have. If the other party takes that personal then that's something they need to work on themselves.
hutzlibu 3y ago
"It only numbs you to the conflict and puts the whole burden on your wife." Or it prevents the conflict from escalating. Panic and anger are connected, so if he found a way to be calm and stop the conversation, I guess this is way better than having the conflict in a mode of distress. So later, when both are calm, the issues can get resolved.
- dredmorbius 3y ago
  Persistent antagonists and provocateurs tend to become antagonised and provoked when their attempts to antagonise and provoke fail. That is a secondary consideration to preventing further antagonisation, provocation, and escallation of the situation itself. That said, there seems to be an underlying interpersonal conflict, and possibly incompatibility, here.
  - hutzlibu 3y ago
    "That said, there seems to be an underlying interpersonal conflict, and possibly incompatibility, here." Possible, but I would not judge so much, from the little that was shared. Op just shared what worked for him, to prevent panic attacks. And he shared that their are downsides as well, that frustrates his wife. The rest is speculation.
    - dredmorbius 3y ago
      Which is why I wrote the more suggestive "seems to be" rather than the declarative "is". "Might be" could also have been used. Much of that depends on what is read into "drives my wife crazy", which could range from mild or even humorous response to scales far more irrational and concerning. My own experience over multiple relationships and time is that small irritations have a profound tendency to grow, and that as people age they become more of who they are, psychologically, much as other patterns of aging etch the same lines ever deeper. It's an experientially-informed observation and caution, not a diagnosis. But it's something I'd suggest putting some consideration to for anyone noticing similar trends in their own relationships. The most glaring warning sign is a loss of respect by one, both, or all parties within a relationship, familial, social, business, or otherwise.
meindnoch 3y ago
You say "failure mode", but it sounds like a superpower to me.
foobiekr 3y ago
Please don't "you're doing it wrong" with mindfulness. Mindfulness has become almost a religion for some people who want it to be more than a pragmatic tool with various consumption styles. The whole thing has been oversold in the same way that cannabis, etc. were. It's just a thing, utterly detached from artificial spiritual goals, and we should let people use it how they want.

robertlagrant 3y ago

> You say it drives your wife crazy, so it seems that being in this state doesn't actually help you resolve issues between you and your wife. It only numbs you to the conflict and puts the whole burden on your wife. I don't understand why you're saying this. The technique wasn't primarily to resolve issues with spouse; it was to fight panic attacks.

midoridensha 3y ago
If the OP needs to zone-out to avoid a panic attack when talking with his wife, it sounds like they have some serious marital problems, and this is just a way of avoiding dealing with them.
- robertlagrant 3y ago
  Read this: > I suffered from panic attacks in my youth. Does it now make sense?
- tuyiown 3y ago
  > If the OP needs to zone-out to avoid a panic attack when talking with his wife He didn't said that. His wife his just frustrated that he can do this, I'm pretty sure he never told us he did this to annoy his wife on purpose or escaping.
  - smogcutter 3y ago
    > In this state I may acknowledge her talking to me but have little or no memory of any conversations after. He tunes out his wife > if I so choose Willfully > It drives my wife crazy And often enough that it’s an issue. He hasn’t shown up again in this bizarre thread, heck he’s probably doing it right now!
    - tuyiown 3y ago
      Don't build scenarios out of aligned facts : > but if I so choose, I can completely zen out within 30 seconds and enter a state of total relaxation. Sometime peoples just want to have own time and relaxing in their own preferred way > In this state I may acknowledge her talking to me but have little or no memory of any conversations after. It happened to his wife to come and start talking to him in this state, but him being able to acknowledge her without remembering the conversation causes her great frustration. >> He hasn’t shown up again in this bizarre thread, heck he’s probably doing it right now! Given the number of totally unjustified judgmental, misread based responses, no wonder one would shy out. Assuming that checking for answers it the sane behavior in the first place.
      - saiya-jin 3y ago
        Well, OP could have framed his description a lot better since its easy even for native speakers to come up with conclusion he acts like an a-hole towards his wife and avoids conflicts. This is internet, folks don't re-read some anonymous comments 5 times to grok what was actually meant. Good for him if he managed to get serious crippling condition under control, that's a hard feat deserving respect. Not a fan of self-illusion claims about talking to god, that's not even how major religions are made from scratch (communication with God in my view is 2-way process, and no judaism/christian/muslim god ever talks back, but I get that it was probably not meant literally), but that's just an agnostic's nitpick when seeing righteous religious folks who claim weird stuff in my view.
        tuyiown 3y ago
        You're blaming the poster for judgmental people snapping at him ? It's one thing to wish people being more articulate, it's another to use it as an excuse for 0 thought patronizing. If someone has to refrain from express themselves or taking better care of what and how they say it, it's moralists reframing words of other people, without even thinking of asking questions beforehand.
- Cthulhu_ 3y ago
  You're blaming one person's emotional and physical experience on two people for some reason. One thing that is important in a healthy marriage is that people's feelings vs their actions are separate entities, and that one person's feelings shouldn't affect someone else's in an unhealthy fashion (enmeshment). A panic attack is unhealthy and unhelpful - if there's a conflict, one party going into a panic will not resolve the conflict. TL;DR, being able to stop a panic attack or otherwise unproductive emotional response is a great skill to have. If the other party takes that personal then that's something they need to work on themselves.

hutzlibu 3y ago

"It only numbs you to the conflict and puts the whole burden on your wife." Or it prevents the conflict from escalating. Panic and anger are connected, so if he found a way to be calm and stop the conversation, I guess this is way better than having the conflict in a mode of distress. So later, when both are calm, the issues can get resolved.

dredmorbius 3y ago
Persistent antagonists and provocateurs tend to become antagonised and provoked when their attempts to antagonise and provoke fail. That is a secondary consideration to preventing further antagonisation, provocation, and escallation of the situation itself. That said, there seems to be an underlying interpersonal conflict, and possibly incompatibility, here.
- hutzlibu 3y ago
  "That said, there seems to be an underlying interpersonal conflict, and possibly incompatibility, here." Possible, but I would not judge so much, from the little that was shared. Op just shared what worked for him, to prevent panic attacks. And he shared that their are downsides as well, that frustrates his wife. The rest is speculation.
  - dredmorbius 3y ago
    Which is why I wrote the more suggestive "seems to be" rather than the declarative "is". "Might be" could also have been used. Much of that depends on what is read into "drives my wife crazy", which could range from mild or even humorous response to scales far more irrational and concerning. My own experience over multiple relationships and time is that small irritations have a profound tendency to grow, and that as people age they become more of who they are, psychologically, much as other patterns of aging etch the same lines ever deeper. It's an experientially-informed observation and caution, not a diagnosis. But it's something I'd suggest putting some consideration to for anyone noticing similar trends in their own relationships. The most glaring warning sign is a loss of respect by one, both, or all parties within a relationship, familial, social, business, or otherwise.

meindnoch 3y ago

You say "failure mode", but it sounds like a superpower to me.

foobiekr 3y ago

Please don't "you're doing it wrong" with mindfulness. Mindfulness has become almost a religion for some people who want it to be more than a pragmatic tool with various consumption styles. The whole thing has been oversold in the same way that cannabis, etc. were. It's just a thing, utterly detached from artificial spiritual goals, and we should let people use it how they want.