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Because I don't want to feel like a fool for sticking with and supporting this woman from 40-70, when she was giving it up easily at 18-30. Luckily I'm tall an

• rrgok 3y ago
  I don't understand why people are trying to make you feel bad for having simple emotions. I'm with you, if you feel this way it is perfectly valid. People are so triggered for men having preferences these days. We are humans too.
  • TRiG_Ireland 3y ago
    It's not about "having preferences"; it's about the fact that this man clearly despises women. And normal people find that disturbing and distasteful.
    • DiggyJohnson 3y ago
      That's not clear at all, and the only reason you feel that way is that you disagree so strongly with their perspective that you are comfortable making assumptions without basis.
    • mensetmanusman 3y ago
      It sounds like despise behavior versus the person per se.
• idiotsecant 3y ago
  But you say you're having trouble finding a meaningful relationship? I just can't understand why?!
  • heattemp99 3y ago
    I didn't say I had trouble finding a meaningful relationship. I said I'm having trouble finding meaning in dating 38 year old women.
    • idiotsecant 3y ago
      It's startling how much self awareness it's possible to have.
      • tomcam 3y ago
        You really, really need to review this HN guideline from https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html: Be kind. Don't be snarky.
        • kaba0 3y ago
          That should extend also to people not present in the discussion, which parent poster absolutely fails to fulfill.
          • tomcam 3y ago
            Ow! Not arguing with you, but would like a few links to where I messed up.
    • Cthulhu_ 3y ago
      And that's... fine? As in, if you're done with it, you can choose not to play. Stay single if it makes you happier. Just don't shift blame to others, they have their own life and choices that are completely out of your hands and concern.
      • pzo 3y ago
        he didn't say he is single or planning to stay single forever. He might as well dating someone younger. For woman its generally: - harder to date someone younger - it's harder to date when you are 35+ (smaller pool of single people) but even harder for woman (because guys take bigger importance into how someone look and because of woman biological clock) - when someone is divorced with kid (even when young) is hard to date for anyone but for woman even more difficult
• bungeonsBaggins 3y ago
  > I don't want to feel like a fool for sticking with and supporting this woman from 40-70, when she was giving it up easily at 18-30 jesus
  • hgomersall 3y ago
    It's actually good news we've discovered a portal to 1955.
  • input_sh 3y ago
    Threads like these are always eye-opening about the kind of person that frequents this place.
  • andrepd 3y ago
    Literally incel meme material. Unfortunate that after the sexual revolution many people want to revert back to repression and self-shame for our sexual desires.
    • hypertele-Xii 3y ago
      Repression and self-shame for our primitive desires is at the core of civilized society. Use your brain for a moment to think about how our world would look like if everyone blindly followed their instincts, including violent outbursts, sexual desires, and what have you. You discard our achieved Christian stability at your own peril. You sure you want to go back to jungle rules? That's what will happen when all women mate with a select few men - what do you think the rest of the men are going to do? Be content dying alone, invisible, and unloved?
      • hef19898 3y ago
        So, all non-Christian societes are unstable? They live in a primitive state? What happens as soon as women have the power to decide about their bodies, their sex and love life so is that a certain sub-set of men all get wrapped into brezel shape over this outragious independence. There seems to be a huge overlap of those men and religious conviction. And seeimg themselves as victims of whom or whatever. And then they wonder why they don't get laid or find fulfilling relationships.
• wiseowise 3y ago
  > Because I don't want to feel like a fool for sticking with and supporting this woman from 40-70, when she was giving it up easily at 18-30. Tough luck. Either find some 20 year old without 5 partners or relax and make peace with idea that you lost your chance in this life.
  • heattemp99 3y ago
    I'm 38. It's superficially easy to find a 28 year old, and would take a slight bit of effort to get with a 23 year old. And all bets are off if someone is ok going to eastern Europe or Asia. "Lost your chance in life" is retarded.
    • wiseowise 3y ago
      > It's superficially easy to find a 28 year old, and would take a slight bit of effort to get with a 23 year old. And all bets are off if someone is ok going to eastern Europe or Asia. Yeah, sure, buddy. If you think taking advantage of desperate woman from second/third world country with whom you have generational and culture gap so big that it’s like adopting a daughter for sex, who’s ready to leave with first foreigner, is the same as meeting your life’s partner at 18-20s and living and experiencing whole life with them - then good luck, you have all your chances, haha. > "Lost your chance in life" is retarded. Why did I even bother replying. Did you find your way from Reddit, Blind or 4chan?
      • heattemp99 3y ago
        I'm from Eastern Europe and speak the language. But beyond that, I didn't say THAT part would be easy, but it's doable, especially if you stay there instead of bringing them to the US. Personally I think it would be easier than keeping the average American 28 yr old happy.
        • wiseowise 3y ago
          That explains the attitude, fellow Eastern European. The point still stands, cultural and generational gap. You were born when USSR was still there (or maybe in USSR, if you’re unlucky), for Christ’s sake. Do you seriously think you can find any meaningful relationship with girl raised on Instagram and TikTok? As other comment pointed out - you’re not looking for a relationship, you’re looking for a trophy wife. Which is completely fine, but you need to be honest with yourself. Also, if you think 28 age old can’t have 23 previous partners - you’re in deep trouble.
• aschearer 3y ago
  I appreciate that you stand by your words. I don't understand why you would feel like a fool assuming you entered the relationship eyes-wide-open. Regarding your second point, you switch from first person to saying what is important to many people. But: 1) why should I believe you on that count? 2) in the context of a _personal_ relationship, why does it matter what's important to others? (Minus, of course, _one_ other.) Without trying trying to put too many words in your mouth, perhaps you are seeking a trophy more than a partner? Someone you can support and be proud of -- just like you might feel pride for an old car you restored. And who won't embarass you by her past conduct? Have you considered approaching relationships from a different angle? For example, you might consider love to be an incredible gift that can only be given freely. Or you might consider a relationship as the ultimate trust-building-game, and a fun one too. Or that the unit of significance isn't the individual but the couple. To name some examples. In my opinion, you are viewing a relationship in instrumental terms. That is, "what will it give _me_." But such a view is inherently incompatible with the project of love, I believe.
  • deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
  • mensetmanusman 3y ago
    It’s possible he is just more protective of his soul. True love is signing up for extreme loss and sacrifice either through death or otherwise. If the ‘otherwise’ column is too risky due to past behavior, it is super-rational to behave as stated.
• racked 3y ago
  There's another way to look at this. When your partner has had many previous partners, it means that you are extra special, because even after all that prior experience, they choose you! And about longevity, if you ask me, the most important factors for a solid relationship are: 1. Being completely comfortable around each other. No grudges. Being able to talk about anything, even if you don't always agree. 2. (related to #1) Having a mechanism for resolving conflict. Avoiding things like the silent treatment.
  • distant_hat 3y ago
    Knowing many women who had north of 50-100 partners, 'extra special' certainly isn't the case. Usually they are settling down because no one wants to stick with them and you are likely to be the next one who will abandon them. If this logic made sense, sex workers would be the most sought after partners.
    • quotz 3y ago
      I know a few girls who had more than 50 partners and they are all basically girls you would not even consider for a one night stand, let alone date.
  • heattemp99 3y ago
    They did not "choose you". They could not get any of the others to commit.
    • Cthulhu_ 3y ago
      That's... really making a lot of assumptions. What do you mean by "get any of the others to commit"? That's saying the woman in question had to apply force, and that it was ultimately the other's fault they didn't settle. I can go on, but, it sounds like you and many others in this subthread have some really weird and ingrained manosphere-sounding ideas about women and relationships.
      • fakedang 3y ago
• Nursie 3y ago
  > Because I don't want to feel like a fool for sticking with and supporting this woman from 40-70, when she was giving it up easily at 18-30. Misogyny shining though there. You feel you have to support someone rather than be equals. You resent that they may have slept with other people when they were younger (but presumably you did as well, as a tall, decent looking man). The very use of the phrase 'giving it up easily' implies you think it's a woman's role to not 'give it up'. Your whole thread reeks of double standards. Did you never 'give it up' easily in your 20s? Or does that not apply to men?
  • katodna_cijev 3y ago
    Don't you think partners should support each other? Equally? I am a tall, decent looking man as well and I did not give it up easily, why do you think it's OK to assume that about the parent commenter — after he stated his values? If sex is valued (by someone) as one of the most intimate interactions / experiences someone can share with a partner, then yes, it's a role of potential partners (and that someone if they don't have double standards) not to "give it up". Otherwise they aren't as good partners for that someone and it is fine to have that preference. If I somehow messed up in my judgement and "gave it up" to the wrong person, I'd totally be fine with someone else valuing me less or even not considering me as a potential partner. Even if they had double standards in that regard, that's fine, our values are just not aligned and we're not meant for each other romantically. No, without your assumptions this thread does not reek of double standards. Your comment reeks of toxicity, gender-based. And I don't think that's what an average person you interact with (online) deserves, regardless of their gender or the discussed topic. Edit: clarified better
    • Nursie 3y ago
      > I did not sleep with other people while younger, why do you think it's OK to assume that about the parent commenter "I'm 38. I date in my age group. Which means both of us are dating people that have been sleeping with others for two decades" >If I somehow messed up in my judgement and "gave it up" to the wrong person, I'd totally be fine with someone else valuing me less or even not considering me as a potential partner. Wow, I would hate to be in your head, to have your own self-worth so bound up in the number of partners you have or haven't had. > No, without your assumptions this thread does not reek of double standards. It really, really does. The same poster is talking about dating college-aged girls until relatively recently, and tells us that he considers them promiscuous, clearly values women by the number of partners they have had, and views them as a financial drain to be put up with only if they're pure enough. It's pretty old-school, judging of women for who and how many they slept with, and placing the value of his relationship with them on that.
• TRiG_Ireland 3y ago
  "giving it up easily" Ugh. Some people like casual sex. Some people don't. Neither of these are worse people. And the idea that sex is something that women "give up" to men is weird, gross, misogynistic nonsense.
  • IcyClAyMptHe 3y ago
    women are the traditional gatekeepers for sex. All the "misogyny" handwaving in the world does not alter that fact. It's why the response numbers for men and women on dating apps are what they are
• kaba0 3y ago
  Giving it up easily? You reek of that incel energy. I hope you have more respect for actual people in your life than that.
  • wruza 3y ago
    Never understood this “call them incel” movement. It neither earns you respect nor makes a point. Even if they are involuntarily celibate, what does that mean in this context? It’s involuntary. You being a jerk to a (figuratively) disabled person who complains that ramps only lead to places which have seen life.
    • kaba0 3y ago
      Words change their meanings and it currently denotes a disgusting misogynistic group. The usage you refer to is only the dog whistle they run under, similarly to nazis.
      • wruza 3y ago
        This only makes it even more puzzling as the usage was yours. Having an opinion about whom you would marry and for which reasons isn’t mysogynistic, afaiu. If your main concern is wording “giving it up”, how could one rephrase it?
        • kaba0 3y ago
          Look at all the comments in this thread of the HNer in question. They are free to have an opinion on who to marry, or even of people. Nonetheless, I can also freely have the opinion of someone being a shitty human based on his beliefs, especially when that belief is objectifying women.
          • roenxi 3y ago
            If we're talking about some hypothetical woman with 23 partners, what is the issue with objectifying her a bit? She's obviously objectifying the men. Sees someone who looks nice, sleep with them, move on. If neither side is in it for the long term relationship then they are in it for the hot body. That isn't being a "shitty human", it is just being realistic about the sort of relationship they are in.
• deleted 3y ago
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• volkl48 3y ago
  This feels like it only makes much sense if you had an unsatisfying youth yourself or truly never wanted to do any of that exploring (you'd have turned it down even if the opportunity presented itself). It takes two to play. I had some fun in my teens + 20s, I learned some things about myself and relationships, mostly pleasantly but occasionally not. I don't begrudge others for spending their youth exploring and learning the same sorts of things. I'm not supporting someone I'm dating financially - they've usually got a decent career going, they don't need and aren't asking for my wallet.