8 ms·

>Also, if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared of leaving a broken heart in another person. This is a telling statement. It really highlights his inexperience and im

by 3m 3y ago

>Also, if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared of leaving a broken heart in another person. This is a telling statement. It really highlights his inexperience and immaturity with regards to relationships (not that this is in doubt - it is after all the subject of his post). Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actually things get better, and it wasn't right anyway. There's nothing like the fear of hurting someone else that will trap you in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship for far longer than it should have. When you finally summon the courage to end it, knowing it will hurt someone else - you immediately feel the freedom, and the other person's journey to healing begins too. I find it hard to understand people who make a mountain out of dating. It's a numbers game, and there's a gazillion ways to meet people.

throwntoday 3y ago
> It's a numbers game I think to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character. Almost sounds like "I'm with them unless something better comes along or their shortcomings become more than I want to deal with". If you genuinely love someone, you will stand by them, work on any problems, and remember that you chose to build a future together. Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right.
- icepat 3y ago
  > to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character The comment you are replying to never said, or insinuated this.
  - throwntoday 3y ago
    Yes it did. The assertion was that the more people you date the higher your odds of success, when the reality is totally the opposite. People who date less have a higher success rate in marriage.
    - icepat 3y ago
      > The assertion was that the more people you date the higher your odds of success Again, no, it is not. It very clearly is talking about being a numbers game in terms of meeting people, rather than dating people. You do not date everyone you meet.
- throwway120385 3y ago
  It's more that things change, and that one of the things that changes is the "new relationship smell." Also people change with the seasons. Someone who is outgoing and upbeat in the summer may be hell on wheels in the winter simply because of the effect the seasons have on them. You learn more about someone the longer you spend with them. My spouse wanted to get married after 3 months of dating and I pushed back because we hadn't even been through a whole season together, let alone a year. If you want to spend a lifetime with someone you have to recognize when it's time to be practical and when it's time to throw caution to the wind and commit at any cost.
- scrollaway 3y ago
  > Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right. Or something wrong. Low divorce rate doesn't mean low unhappiness rate. I know several men and women in utterly trash relationships, who'd be better off alone, but who stay married because "this is the way". It's a mix of "must have kids at all costs" (even if that cost is the parents and kids having awful lives because they weren't a good match), and "must be and stay married at all costs if we have a kid". Hey, I can't know what your community is like. But my guess, it's part of the many communities that have this problem. But that's not to disagree with your first paragraph; when you're with a partner, you do stand by them, you don't just treat them like a phone and upgrade to a newer and shinier model every few months/years. But also, you don't have to put up with them if you find out they're a terrible person.
  - deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
  - AussieWog93 3y ago
    The flip side, of course, is couples throwing completely repairable relationships in the garbage can and creating lifelong issues for their kids. I think a lot of pro-divorce people would be surprised at what couples can recover from if they're prepared to work at it.
- selcuka 3y ago
  > Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right. FYI the divorce rate worldwide is less than 1% (it's actually much lower, around 0.4%).
  - throwntoday 3y ago
    We live in the US, where the success of a marriage is closer to a coin toss. It's pretty abaurd to try to take the average from across the world in this case.
    - dublinben 3y ago
      The simple average hides a lot of differences between demographic groups. If you’re college educated, earn a higher income, white or Asian, and get married later, then your chances of success are much higher than 50/50.
    - selcuka 3y ago
      US average is even lower (0.3%). I believe you, but your metric must be wrong.
      - phito 3y ago
        Where do you get that from...? Everything I find online says it's between 40% and 50%. 0.3% makes no sense.
        selcuka 3y ago
        Divorce rate means the percentage of people getting a divorce every year. Your 40-50% figure must be the total percentage of marriages that end in divorce. Now the GP said "divorce rate", so I take it they meant the former. If it's the latter, then 1% is abnormally low (and can't be simply explained with happy marriages).
- EFreethought 3y ago
  Your comment would be more helpful if you state which community is your community and give some details on what you are doing right.
- 3m 3y ago
  You've completely misunderstood my original comment. The process of meeting new people to establish compatibility is absolutely a numbers game. To expect to meet someone with whom you are compatible enough to spend many many years with just by meeting 3 new people is ridiculous. It's not impossible, but given the number of permutations of personalities it's extremely unlikely. In order to find a suitable life partner, you need to be exposed to a large number of potential partners. Some people get lucky and hit the jackpot after meeting 5 people, others after 50, others still not after 200. Also, divorce rate is not at all an indicator of healthy relationships. Religious or cultural taboos massively influence divorce rate, and there is plenty of evidence to show that the result can be people trapped in dreadfully unhappy marriages without any escape.
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
_k7dr 3y ago
> Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actually things get better, and it wasn't right anyway. I've never understood this, when I was a teen I had fallings out with a person who was a friend but I couldnt read her social signals, I was nowhere near dating her in hindsight and she was too shy tell me what she actually thought of me until it was too late. Combined with a subsequent brutal fallings out with my family lasting for months that caused me to give up any idea of talking to a woman for more than one day It took 5 more years for me to be diagnosed as autistic. By that point I figured that had been a death sentence for my social life. Lack of success with male counterparts after the social skills sessions and years of therapy solidified that no amount of help would allow me to look past it Im now going into my thirties and have no friends, still I guess I'm posting on some guys Hn submission about being single so that counts for something, sounds more appropriate a comment on Tumblr though. I'd be willing to believe the only thing keeping me coming back at this point is hormones and the results of evolution. I reject any advance from all genders so nothing is logically inconsistent. I get what I put in. I just want to live a constructed narrative. Some days I wish I could just burn out all my mirror neurons and stop anguishing over it all if I'm really not going to go back again. But even now I guess I still want someone to hear me rant, just so I don't turn insane, its been my one real worry recently

by 3m 3y ago

throwntoday 3y ago

> It's a numbers game I think to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character. Almost sounds like "I'm with them unless something better comes along or their shortcomings become more than I want to deal with". If you genuinely love someone, you will stand by them, work on any problems, and remember that you chose to build a future together. Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right.

icepat 3y ago
> to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character The comment you are replying to never said, or insinuated this.
- throwntoday 3y ago
  Yes it did. The assertion was that the more people you date the higher your odds of success, when the reality is totally the opposite. People who date less have a higher success rate in marriage.
  - icepat 3y ago
    > The assertion was that the more people you date the higher your odds of success Again, no, it is not. It very clearly is talking about being a numbers game in terms of meeting people, rather than dating people. You do not date everyone you meet.
throwway120385 3y ago
It's more that things change, and that one of the things that changes is the "new relationship smell." Also people change with the seasons. Someone who is outgoing and upbeat in the summer may be hell on wheels in the winter simply because of the effect the seasons have on them. You learn more about someone the longer you spend with them. My spouse wanted to get married after 3 months of dating and I pushed back because we hadn't even been through a whole season together, let alone a year. If you want to spend a lifetime with someone you have to recognize when it's time to be practical and when it's time to throw caution to the wind and commit at any cost.
scrollaway 3y ago
> Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right. Or something wrong. Low divorce rate doesn't mean low unhappiness rate. I know several men and women in utterly trash relationships, who'd be better off alone, but who stay married because "this is the way". It's a mix of "must have kids at all costs" (even if that cost is the parents and kids having awful lives because they weren't a good match), and "must be and stay married at all costs if we have a kid". Hey, I can't know what your community is like. But my guess, it's part of the many communities that have this problem. But that's not to disagree with your first paragraph; when you're with a partner, you do stand by them, you don't just treat them like a phone and upgrade to a newer and shinier model every few months/years. But also, you don't have to put up with them if you find out they're a terrible person.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- AussieWog93 3y ago
  The flip side, of course, is couples throwing completely repairable relationships in the garbage can and creating lifelong issues for their kids. I think a lot of pro-divorce people would be surprised at what couples can recover from if they're prepared to work at it.
selcuka 3y ago
> Given that the divorce rate in my community is less than 1% we're probably doing something right. FYI the divorce rate worldwide is less than 1% (it's actually much lower, around 0.4%).
- throwntoday 3y ago
  We live in the US, where the success of a marriage is closer to a coin toss. It's pretty abaurd to try to take the average from across the world in this case.
  - dublinben 3y ago
    The simple average hides a lot of differences between demographic groups. If you’re college educated, earn a higher income, white or Asian, and get married later, then your chances of success are much higher than 50/50.
  - selcuka 3y ago
    US average is even lower (0.3%). I believe you, but your metric must be wrong.
    - phito 3y ago
      Where do you get that from...? Everything I find online says it's between 40% and 50%. 0.3% makes no sense.
      - selcuka 3y ago
        Divorce rate means the percentage of people getting a divorce every year. Your 40-50% figure must be the total percentage of marriages that end in divorce. Now the GP said "divorce rate", so I take it they meant the former. If it's the latter, then 1% is abnormally low (and can't be simply explained with happy marriages).
EFreethought 3y ago
Your comment would be more helpful if you state which community is your community and give some details on what you are doing right.
3m 3y ago
You've completely misunderstood my original comment. The process of meeting new people to establish compatibility is absolutely a numbers game. To expect to meet someone with whom you are compatible enough to spend many many years with just by meeting 3 new people is ridiculous. It's not impossible, but given the number of permutations of personalities it's extremely unlikely. In order to find a suitable life partner, you need to be exposed to a large number of potential partners. Some people get lucky and hit the jackpot after meeting 5 people, others after 50, others still not after 200. Also, divorce rate is not at all an indicator of healthy relationships. Religious or cultural taboos massively influence divorce rate, and there is plenty of evidence to show that the result can be people trapped in dreadfully unhappy marriages without any escape.

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]

_k7dr 3y ago

> Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actually things get better, and it wasn't right anyway. I've never understood this, when I was a teen I had fallings out with a person who was a friend but I couldnt read her social signals, I was nowhere near dating her in hindsight and she was too shy tell me what she actually thought of me until it was too late. Combined with a subsequent brutal fallings out with my family lasting for months that caused me to give up any idea of talking to a woman for more than one day It took 5 more years for me to be diagnosed as autistic. By that point I figured that had been a death sentence for my social life. Lack of success with male counterparts after the social skills sessions and years of therapy solidified that no amount of help would allow me to look past it Im now going into my thirties and have no friends, still I guess I'm posting on some guys Hn submission about being single so that counts for something, sounds more appropriate a comment on Tumblr though. I'd be willing to believe the only thing keeping me coming back at this point is hormones and the results of evolution. I reject any advance from all genders so nothing is logically inconsistent. I get what I put in. I just want to live a constructed narrative. Some days I wish I could just burn out all my mirror neurons and stop anguishing over it all if I'm really not going to go back again. But even now I guess I still want someone to hear me rant, just so I don't turn insane, its been my one real worry recently