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I concur. And I'm saving these links. As a tangent I would add that the damage isn't limited to the perfectionist. At some point one has to consider how the ri

I concur. And I'm saving these links. As a tangent I would add that the damage isn't limited to the perfectionist. At some point one has to consider how the rigidity of perfectionism affects their relationships. It can be a self-indulgence in which one engages at the expense family or friends.

zwkrt 5y ago
> It can be a self-indulgence in which one engages at the expense family or friends. It’s even worse if the perfectionism is applied to those around you directly. The thought process is something like “well I hold myself to a high (but maybe poorly defined and changing) standard, so why not hold those in my life to that same standard!?” Of course it is impossible for anyone to live up to your nebulous and nonverbal “standard”, so you see your close relations primarily in terms of how they are deficient. And because what comes around goes around, you assume others are perceiving you in the same way. You may actually find yourself surrounded by people with obvious issues like addiction and depression so it easy for you to perceive exactly how much more perfect you are than they are, and of course you remind them of this frequently through backhanded comments that let them know that they are almost good enough to be your equal. It takes a certain kind of person to regularly take that abuse, so your warped reality self-selects for friends that are obsequious puddles or anxious wrecks. Thus begins a feedback loop that reinforces everyones mental health issues, with you being the pump that brings water from the well. It’s a bucket of fun for everyone!
- jancsika 5y ago
  > The thought process is something like “well I hold myself to a high (but maybe poorly defined and changing) standard, so why not hold those in my life to that same standard!?” Seems like a lot hinges on your parenthetical. If Bob has a well-defined and consistent standard that works for him, what's wrong with filtering Eve out of his life with it?
  - zwkrt 5y ago
    Oh no of course we should all be discerning. But TFA talks about pinning self-esteem to the outcomes of projects in the world. I was describing a situation i saw where an individual’s “projects” were their close relationships. People are not projects to be worked on.
  - whatshisface 5y ago
    Wrong cosmically? Nothing, prejudice is a self-punishing mistake. Wrong for Bob? Well, he's lost a friend and not gained anything.

zwkrt 5y ago

> It can be a self-indulgence in which one engages at the expense family or friends. It’s even worse if the perfectionism is applied to those around you directly. The thought process is something like “well I hold myself to a high (but maybe poorly defined and changing) standard, so why not hold those in my life to that same standard!?” Of course it is impossible for anyone to live up to your nebulous and nonverbal “standard”, so you see your close relations primarily in terms of how they are deficient. And because what comes around goes around, you assume others are perceiving you in the same way. You may actually find yourself surrounded by people with obvious issues like addiction and depression so it easy for you to perceive exactly how much more perfect you are than they are, and of course you remind them of this frequently through backhanded comments that let them know that they are almost good enough to be your equal. It takes a certain kind of person to regularly take that abuse, so your warped reality self-selects for friends that are obsequious puddles or anxious wrecks. Thus begins a feedback loop that reinforces everyones mental health issues, with you being the pump that brings water from the well. It’s a bucket of fun for everyone!

jancsika 5y ago
> The thought process is something like “well I hold myself to a high (but maybe poorly defined and changing) standard, so why not hold those in my life to that same standard!?” Seems like a lot hinges on your parenthetical. If Bob has a well-defined and consistent standard that works for him, what's wrong with filtering Eve out of his life with it?
- zwkrt 5y ago
  Oh no of course we should all be discerning. But TFA talks about pinning self-esteem to the outcomes of projects in the world. I was describing a situation i saw where an individual’s “projects” were their close relationships. People are not projects to be worked on.
- whatshisface 5y ago
  Wrong cosmically? Nothing, prejudice is a self-punishing mistake. Wrong for Bob? Well, he's lost a friend and not gained anything.