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I hear that in his words as well. It's as if he was scared that people with his secret could hurt him again somehow. I'd say that's understandable. I've never
by yogipatel 16y ago
I hear that in his words as well. It's as if he was scared that people with his secret could hurt him again somehow. I'd say that's understandable.
I've never had a counselor actually read notes in front of me. They do have notes, and they do read them, but not while we're in a session. When that happened to him I imagine he felt more like a patient than a peer (for lack of a better word). It's disappointing to me because that's what counselors are for — they're supposed to create an opportunity for someone like Bill to open up. It's clear to me he didn't like holding his trauma as a secret but was afraid of it being used against him somehow.
Relationships are just an escape. He was aware of himself enough to know that, which is (was) a good sign. Darkness like his allows you to feel like you're head over heels in love in one moment, and then in another wonder WTF the point is if we're just going to die anyway. It's as if it were a drug. And like a drug, its efficacy fades over time.
Good for you for being able to be honest and open about your problems! That takes balls.
One technique that's worked while I'm in a depressed state is to just expect & accept it. When I get into a funk and think about how all I do is feel depressed, I tell myself, "No shit Yogi, of course you're going to feel this way, look at all the crap you have to deal with". Those few words don't get rid of the sad feeling, but it helps me get past it. I feel like that's all most people need, a way to get on with it.
Even after years of therapy, I'm still amazed at how trained our brains can become. Unfortunately for many, that hard wiring forces them into a downward spiral, where from it's harder and harder to recover.
- blinkingled 16y agoYogi If I may - I will highly suggest you read Power of Now - chunk at a time, randomly, start to end whatever fits your bill. I see the seeds of acceptance in you so may be you have already read it - if not, please do.
- crazydiamond 16y agoWhile reading the suicide note, and the 2 threads on this, i could not help wondering many many times how much it would have helped Bill had he read the Power of Now. One problem i notice is that people who are stuck in a problem, keep trying the same solution for decades even though its not worked. We need to look at our problem from other angles and be open to new solutions.
- yogipatel 16y agoThat's exactly why depression is so hard to shake. You beat yourself up repeatedly without even knowing it and wonder why the heck you can't just snap out of it. Sometimes I wonder how my counselor deals with telling me the same thing again and again for months. And then I sign her check :) Seems like this is a book worth checking out, thanks!
- crazydiamond 16y agoIts only worth it if you practice it. And it gets easier with practice. Since you mention your counselor, i assume you have been depressed. One big problem (to put it briefly) is that often depressed people identify with their depression/sadness and don't wish to leave it. They are their biggest enemy. You have to be willing to give it up. At the expense of sounding cliched, the only price to pay for happiness, is your unhappiness/misery and for many, its a huge price. Best of luck. Happiness and freedom do exist. What Bill Zeller spoke off does exist and is possible. > "I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give." So much of what he talks of, even i have suffered _without_ having been sexually abused. He did not realize that many feeling/thoughts he had, come and go in all humans, if they come to his mind. It's fine to just ignore them like all the dust that flies about us. Please also check out the youtubes of one Mooji. They have greatly deepened my practice.