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I'm going through this change right now. Some words of hard earned "wisdom": make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far out in the other direction. I went f

I'm going through this change right now. Some words of hard earned "wisdom": make sure the pendulum doesn't swing too far out in the other direction. I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole - trying to dial it back now but it's hard, especially when you notice that people definitely respect you more for good or bad reasons when you're like that. Take it too far though, and it will of course go all the way around and bite you in the ass.

will_pseudonym 9y ago
There's a great 5 minute clip of the clinical psychologist and professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson talking about the dangers of being too agreeable: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8
- unfamiliar 9y ago
  His entire lecture series, which is available on his youtube channel, is absolutely fantastic and worth every minute. It is probably one of the most engaging and enlightening bodies of work I have experienced in any format.
  - will_pseudonym 9y ago
    Absolutely. I also am a big proponent of his Self Authoring program. selfauthoring.com
  - qntty 9y ago
    Can you point me to the videos that you found enlightening?
    - will_pseudonym 9y ago
      I would recommend starting with the 2017 semester of his Maps of Meaning course. The first topic is a discussion of the themes and philosophy of the story of Pinocchio. It's really good. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OKOpQlHyR4k5h http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OK...
    - gukov 9y ago
      His two podcasts with Joe Rogan are the best. Joe himself said as much.
  - toomuchtodo 9y ago
    Just wanted to say thank you for this. I've already watched several of his videos this evening and started a monthly Patreon donation. So good!
    - abyssin 9y ago
      Did you follow any kind of playlist? Could you provide a link?
      - toomuchtodo 9y ago
        There should be a sibling post in this thread with a playlist link.
      - will_pseudonym 9y ago
        https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14419858 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14419858
- nickpsecurity 9y ago
  That was a solid, quick presentation of key ideas that could impact people a lot. Most psych links I see people post aren't like that. Great video! Thanks for sharing it.
- graycateyes 9y ago
  Thank you for sharing this!
- vanderreeah 9y ago
  If anyone reads this it will be downvoted but he is a transphobic asshole.
iamacynic 9y ago
the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter through life experiences. what people tend to respect innately is a genuinely nice person who can instantly turn into a no-holds-barred asshole if bad intentions are detected.
- will_pseudonym 9y ago
  For many people, it's not about detecting someone with bad intentions. It's about not liking conflict so much that they don't know how not to accommodate by default. Over accommodation of a good person you're close with can be just as detrimental as over accommodation of a shitty person.
  - balabaster 9y ago
    I'll second this. If you're over accommodating with your partner, it's just as detrimental to your own mental health and the health of your relationship as it is with a shitty person. The danger here is that we tend to be more accommodating with people we like than those we don't and so we don't even realize we're doing it until it's too late.
- kirse 9y ago
  the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter Not really, the "trick" is actually contained within the wisdom of the last paragraph of the piece.
- theparanoid 9y ago
  People really respect power. An accommodating person has none because they say yes to everything.
  - ThrustVectoring 9y ago
    Yeah. If two people ask for things that are mutually exclusive, there's a huge problem if you can't say no to one of them. If there's no concept of "no", then "yes" becomes much less meaningful. In social dance contexts, I'm usually happy when people decline to dance with me. It's dead obvious when someone isn't enthusiastic about the dance, and much less fun than getting shot down. Similarly in business contexts - an unreliable "yes" is worse than a "no", because you can get burned relying on the "yes" you did get rather than trying elsewhere after the "no".
maxxxxx 9y ago
"I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole " I have gone through the same process. Maybe it's because I am getting old, meditation or I just don't care anymore, I have slowly learned what's really important to me. I am generally pretty accommodating but for some things I won't negotiate and just say "No" without any further explanation. This seems to work reasonably well with most people. I don't really know what I am trying to say but maybe it's to have your priorities figured out and be flexible with unimportant stuff but firm with important stuff. That is, stuff that's important to you, not somebody else.

will_pseudonym 9y ago

There's a great 5 minute clip of the clinical psychologist and professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson talking about the dangers of being too agreeable: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVMvQhxN_M8

unfamiliar 9y ago
His entire lecture series, which is available on his youtube channel, is absolutely fantastic and worth every minute. It is probably one of the most engaging and enlightening bodies of work I have experienced in any format.
- will_pseudonym 9y ago
  Absolutely. I also am a big proponent of his Self Authoring program. selfauthoring.com
- qntty 9y ago
  Can you point me to the videos that you found enlightening?
  - will_pseudonym 9y ago
    I would recommend starting with the 2017 semester of his Maps of Meaning course. The first topic is a discussion of the themes and philosophy of the story of Pinocchio. It's really good. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OKOpQlHyR4k5h http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OK...
  - gukov 9y ago
    His two podcasts with Joe Rogan are the best. Joe himself said as much.
- toomuchtodo 9y ago
  Just wanted to say thank you for this. I've already watched several of his videos this evening and started a monthly Patreon donation. So good!
  - abyssin 9y ago
    Did you follow any kind of playlist? Could you provide a link?
    - toomuchtodo 9y ago
      There should be a sibling post in this thread with a playlist link.
    - will_pseudonym 9y ago
      https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14419858 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14419858
nickpsecurity 9y ago
That was a solid, quick presentation of key ideas that could impact people a lot. Most psych links I see people post aren't like that. Great video! Thanks for sharing it.
graycateyes 9y ago
Thank you for sharing this!
vanderreeah 9y ago
If anyone reads this it will be downvoted but he is a transphobic asshole.

iamacynic 9y ago

the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter through life experiences. what people tend to respect innately is a genuinely nice person who can instantly turn into a no-holds-barred asshole if bad intentions are detected.

will_pseudonym 9y ago
For many people, it's not about detecting someone with bad intentions. It's about not liking conflict so much that they don't know how not to accommodate by default. Over accommodation of a good person you're close with can be just as detrimental as over accommodation of a shitty person.
- balabaster 9y ago
  I'll second this. If you're over accommodating with your partner, it's just as detrimental to your own mental health and the health of your relationship as it is with a shitty person. The danger here is that we tend to be more accommodating with people we like than those we don't and so we don't even realize we're doing it until it's too late.
kirse 9y ago
the trick is to finely calibrate your bullshit meter Not really, the "trick" is actually contained within the wisdom of the last paragraph of the piece.
theparanoid 9y ago
People really respect power. An accommodating person has none because they say yes to everything.
- ThrustVectoring 9y ago
  Yeah. If two people ask for things that are mutually exclusive, there's a huge problem if you can't say no to one of them. If there's no concept of "no", then "yes" becomes much less meaningful. In social dance contexts, I'm usually happy when people decline to dance with me. It's dead obvious when someone isn't enthusiastic about the dance, and much less fun than getting shot down. Similarly in business contexts - an unreliable "yes" is worse than a "no", because you can get burned relying on the "yes" you did get rather than trying elsewhere after the "no".

maxxxxx 9y ago

"I went from being an accommodating person to an intense asshole " I have gone through the same process. Maybe it's because I am getting old, meditation or I just don't care anymore, I have slowly learned what's really important to me. I am generally pretty accommodating but for some things I won't negotiate and just say "No" without any further explanation. This seems to work reasonably well with most people. I don't really know what I am trying to say but maybe it's to have your priorities figured out and be flexible with unimportant stuff but firm with important stuff. That is, stuff that's important to you, not somebody else.