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I'm too focused on physical aspect -- my mistake, but don't know how to change that. I'm about to end a 9mo relationship with a girl that loves me, but I can't

I'm too focused on physical aspect -- my mistake, but don't know how to change that. I'm about to end a 9mo relationship with a girl that loves me, but I can't pass over not finding her very attractive. And the girls which are very attractive, don't find me attractive for them.

valueprop 9y ago
Also, on the ones that were nice, I considered them without ambition, eg. spending the weekend on Facebook (when not going out together), beauty salons, superficial discussions with friends, while I'm always learning/reading/doing sideprojects. Even though we discussed about it, we couldn't find a solution for me just to accept this, rather than hoping they'd work on something more meaningful.
- taway_1212 9y ago
  How old are you? I used to be like you (learning/reading/doing sideprojects) but with time I've steered towards just living - i.e. hanging out with friends or wasting time on HN like today ;) I think women on average reach that phase much faster, because, as opposed to us men, their attractiveness to the opposite sex does not largely depend on how accomplished they are.
- jakobegger 9y ago
  It sounds like you have no respect for your partner(s). In the comment above you said they weren't attractive; in this comment you said that what they like to do is meaningless. If you want to live in a long term relationship, you need to stop comparing your partner to some arbitrary idea of what women should be like. Respect your partner, and try to see the world from their point of view. Different things are "meaningful" to different people. Don't get stuck on whatever you consider to be your values. Instead of dismissing your partners habits, try to learn more about them. Learn why they like going to the beauty salon, ask them what it's like, find out why this is meaningful to them.
AznHisoka 9y ago
Why is that a mistake? I would not recommend sticking with someone you dont find attractive (unless you mean attractive = zero physical flaws)
brudgers 9y ago
There's folk wisdom that says that the first requirement for change is wanting to change.

valueprop 9y ago

Also, on the ones that were nice, I considered them without ambition, eg. spending the weekend on Facebook (when not going out together), beauty salons, superficial discussions with friends, while I'm always learning/reading/doing sideprojects. Even though we discussed about it, we couldn't find a solution for me just to accept this, rather than hoping they'd work on something more meaningful.

taway_1212 9y ago
How old are you? I used to be like you (learning/reading/doing sideprojects) but with time I've steered towards just living - i.e. hanging out with friends or wasting time on HN like today ;) I think women on average reach that phase much faster, because, as opposed to us men, their attractiveness to the opposite sex does not largely depend on how accomplished they are.
jakobegger 9y ago
It sounds like you have no respect for your partner(s). In the comment above you said they weren't attractive; in this comment you said that what they like to do is meaningless. If you want to live in a long term relationship, you need to stop comparing your partner to some arbitrary idea of what women should be like. Respect your partner, and try to see the world from their point of view. Different things are "meaningful" to different people. Don't get stuck on whatever you consider to be your values. Instead of dismissing your partners habits, try to learn more about them. Learn why they like going to the beauty salon, ask them what it's like, find out why this is meaningful to them.

AznHisoka 9y ago

Why is that a mistake? I would not recommend sticking with someone you dont find attractive (unless you mean attractive = zero physical flaws)

brudgers 9y ago

There's folk wisdom that says that the first requirement for change is wanting to change.