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Try this http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy Then this: http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.h

by demian 11y ago

Try this http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy http://www.refinery29.com/rejection-therapy Then this: http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm Focus on learning to really listen to what people say. IMHO that's generally the most important and underdeveloped social skill, the rest will follow.

nether 11y ago
I feel crushed by small rejections. Burned once, twice shy is true for some people. For me it's 1,000x shy for the rest of my life. Even a minor rebuff can pollute my personality for the rest of my week and increase my pessimism and fear of people. Rejection therapy just seems like it'd push me over the edge into anger and bitterness.
- CPLX 11y ago
  Yes, and if you lifted heavy weights tomorrow you'd get very sore. If you lifted them every day you wouldn't feel sore and they wouldn't feel heavy. Overcoming discomfort requires enduring discomfort.
  - HeyLaughingBoy 11y ago
    What he said!
- demian 11y ago
  Yup, it's not going to be easy.
- jkaunisv1 11y ago
  Have you seen a therapist? It's hard work to reprogram your own brain, and even harder if you try to do it alone. I think of it as a microscope trying to examine itself. Even a few sessions can do a lot to point out your blind spots, give you objective feedback, and drill down on questions that you subconsciously avoid asking yourself.
  - hypatiadotca 11y ago
    +1 this sounds like a job for a therapist, not a Dale Carnegie class.
- matwood 11y ago
  Go out, talk to people, repeat. You have to learn that a rejection is no big deal. The cliche questions are fine to get started. What is your name, how is your day, what do you do? If they answer with anything more than 1 word answers then they are also interested in talking. Two of Dale Carnegies best items of advice: 1) Remember their name and 2) let them do the talking. Listen and ask a question, listen and ask a question. It is very true that the person who does the most talking in a conversation will typically feel like it was a good interaction. I was once very shy, and decided to change. It took work, but people I know today think I am the most outgoing person they know. They simply do not believe I used to be terrified to talk to other people. I also used to think no one liked me. It just so happened the vibe I gave off was to stay away because of my shyness.
- HeyLaughingBoy 11y ago
  As someone who used to be very shy and learned to get past it, I found that the only thing that worked was to talk to people. All the time. Get used to the rejections and you'll eventually realize that they aren't usually personal. Say hi to people walking the other way in a doorway, hold the elevator for someone and smile. Say good morning to people in stores, get used to just talking to people. Soon enough it becomes second nature. Be nice, try to listen when people talk. I hated bars, so I figured I'd go to a few just to get out of my comfort zone. A couple girls offered to buy me a drink, big ego boost. Get used to being around people and interacting with them. The end result is that I am still quite introverted, but no one except my wife really knows that. I understand that people aren't rejecting me, it's just the way they are or they're having a bad day or want to be left alone. It's not all about me. And by extension, it's not all about you. Accept your lack of importance to the universe and life becomes easier to live in.
  - nether 11y ago
    Your last point is the most important one to me. I've got to realize not everything happens because of me, not everyone's paying attention to me through the day. Regarding your bar experiences, holy shit. I've been to my fair share of bars and clubs alone and the most attention I ever got was another man teasing me for looking young (short, minority). I can't deny a small amount of envy for introverted-but-attractive people who get an automatic leg-up from their appearance. That must help enormously.
    - meric 11y ago
      I am short and minority. If you want attention in a bar, get out on the bar floor and dance! If you want more attention, walk to the front of the dance floor, turn around, and dance facing everybody! I am short and minority and the one time I did it, all the girls went googly-eyed staring at me for the rest of the night. One girl who wanted my attention wasn't happy I was talking to other girls and not her, and when she left hours later, she made the point of deliberately walking past me rubbing her chest against me, I got the idea she wanted to say "You missed out!". Make sure to take a few hours learning dancing from someone who's really good at it, or go to some sort of dance class, and pick the right club for your dance. In my experience, your appearance only matters for the first 3 seconds of meeting someone, after that it's all down to your personality.
- IndianAstronaut 11y ago
  It crushes me but then I look back and realize that after probably hundreds if not thousands of rejection, I am still here, I am fine, I work, I have friends, etc. In the grand scheme they didn't affect me one bit.

by demian 11y ago

nether 11y ago

I feel crushed by small rejections. Burned once, twice shy is true for some people. For me it's 1,000x shy for the rest of my life. Even a minor rebuff can pollute my personality for the rest of my week and increase my pessimism and fear of people. Rejection therapy just seems like it'd push me over the edge into anger and bitterness.

CPLX 11y ago
Yes, and if you lifted heavy weights tomorrow you'd get very sore. If you lifted them every day you wouldn't feel sore and they wouldn't feel heavy. Overcoming discomfort requires enduring discomfort.
- HeyLaughingBoy 11y ago
  What he said!
demian 11y ago
Yup, it's not going to be easy.
jkaunisv1 11y ago
Have you seen a therapist? It's hard work to reprogram your own brain, and even harder if you try to do it alone. I think of it as a microscope trying to examine itself. Even a few sessions can do a lot to point out your blind spots, give you objective feedback, and drill down on questions that you subconsciously avoid asking yourself.
- hypatiadotca 11y ago
  +1 this sounds like a job for a therapist, not a Dale Carnegie class.
matwood 11y ago
Go out, talk to people, repeat. You have to learn that a rejection is no big deal. The cliche questions are fine to get started. What is your name, how is your day, what do you do? If they answer with anything more than 1 word answers then they are also interested in talking. Two of Dale Carnegies best items of advice: 1) Remember their name and 2) let them do the talking. Listen and ask a question, listen and ask a question. It is very true that the person who does the most talking in a conversation will typically feel like it was a good interaction. I was once very shy, and decided to change. It took work, but people I know today think I am the most outgoing person they know. They simply do not believe I used to be terrified to talk to other people. I also used to think no one liked me. It just so happened the vibe I gave off was to stay away because of my shyness.
HeyLaughingBoy 11y ago
As someone who used to be very shy and learned to get past it, I found that the only thing that worked was to talk to people. All the time. Get used to the rejections and you'll eventually realize that they aren't usually personal. Say hi to people walking the other way in a doorway, hold the elevator for someone and smile. Say good morning to people in stores, get used to just talking to people. Soon enough it becomes second nature. Be nice, try to listen when people talk. I hated bars, so I figured I'd go to a few just to get out of my comfort zone. A couple girls offered to buy me a drink, big ego boost. Get used to being around people and interacting with them. The end result is that I am still quite introverted, but no one except my wife really knows that. I understand that people aren't rejecting me, it's just the way they are or they're having a bad day or want to be left alone. It's not all about me. And by extension, it's not all about you. Accept your lack of importance to the universe and life becomes easier to live in.
- nether 11y ago
  Your last point is the most important one to me. I've got to realize not everything happens because of me, not everyone's paying attention to me through the day. Regarding your bar experiences, holy shit. I've been to my fair share of bars and clubs alone and the most attention I ever got was another man teasing me for looking young (short, minority). I can't deny a small amount of envy for introverted-but-attractive people who get an automatic leg-up from their appearance. That must help enormously.
  - meric 11y ago
    I am short and minority. If you want attention in a bar, get out on the bar floor and dance! If you want more attention, walk to the front of the dance floor, turn around, and dance facing everybody! I am short and minority and the one time I did it, all the girls went googly-eyed staring at me for the rest of the night. One girl who wanted my attention wasn't happy I was talking to other girls and not her, and when she left hours later, she made the point of deliberately walking past me rubbing her chest against me, I got the idea she wanted to say "You missed out!". Make sure to take a few hours learning dancing from someone who's really good at it, or go to some sort of dance class, and pick the right club for your dance. In my experience, your appearance only matters for the first 3 seconds of meeting someone, after that it's all down to your personality.
IndianAstronaut 11y ago
It crushes me but then I look back and realize that after probably hundreds if not thousands of rejection, I am still here, I am fine, I work, I have friends, etc. In the grand scheme they didn't affect me one bit.